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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation.
As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

Dec 31. Well here we are, back as promised with the Grand Gonadian Awards of 2011 where we tease our pals, flick the fickle finger of fate at folk we hate and shamelessly kiss the arse of any sour-faced bastard who might actually advance this band’s slow but steady rise to punk rock glory. Gongs handed out at a ten hour ceremony/pub crawl yesterday included....
The Jim Trott Award for Oratory and Clear Speaking: Southcoast Steve. The Dad’s Army Catchphrase of the Year Cup: Mick Maverick for “Sorry I’m late for studio/soundcheck/rehearsal, there was a tailback on the M25/M11/A105.” The Zak Dingle Gong for Beard-Dying: Gal (25th year running). The 33rd Annual Paul Devine Round-dodger Of The Year: our own dear Nacho Jase. Manager of the Year: Wattsie Watts (first in a crowded field). The Lord Lucan Missing In Action Memorial Award: FB. (Runner-Up: Gal Johnson). The Missing In Acton, “Why Don’t You Buy Freakin’ Sat-Nav?” Award: The Beast. The Frankie Cocozza Tattooed Arse of The Year Award: Fat Col Gannon. The Dominique Strass-Kahn Romance & Chivalry Award (presented by Andy Gray and Richard Keys): The Boy Cherry. The Grant Mitchell Award for Diplomacy: Stinky. The Sally Bercow Award for Shameless Self-Publicity: Iain Kilgallon from Control. The Compo Simmonite Award for Style & High Fashion: Chelsea Dom. The Derek Hales ‘Charlton Top *$*!ing Boy’ Award: Chris ‘Elvis’ Weeks. The Charlie Harper Pensioner-Punk Perseverance Award: Franky ‘Boy’ Flame. The Franky Flame ‘Duracell Bunny’ Award for carrying on longer than Methuselah: Charlie Harper. The Winston Churchill ‘PM in Waiting’ Award: Hoxton Tom “For President” McCourt. Top Irritant: Jedward. Top Record Label: Randale. Top Lookalike: Gal and Captain Haddock (nominated by Chris Weeks). Top Killjoys: The Pranksters for banning us from reporting on their nefarious activities (even Festivus!). Top Barmaid: Ruby (12 Bar). Top Webmistress: Batttttty. Top fantasy mistress (incorporating Woman of the Year): Kiria. The Cock & Frock/Agnes Brown Transvestite of the Year: Sharron Stiletto. Man of the Year: no contest, it’s cheeky Cockney wide-boy and the self-styled Paul Newman of Oi, Terence Hayes PM. Long may he delight us with his magnificent adventures and creeping amnesia. That’s it, muckers, suckers and fuckers. Remember 2012 is a BIG year. So stay Oi, or die Mayan.

Here’s a happy snap of Gal and Bev Elliott in the 12 Bar yesterday showing off their new friendship tattoo: ‘C.U.N.T.’ But does that stand for Constipated Union Of Nipple Tweakers? Or Coitus Until yer Nuts Tremble? Or could there be something bigger going on here? Bev once managed The Casualties, Gal once managed The Blood and the Rejects... is it possible that C.U.N.T. is the name of their brand new top-secret teenage tearaway punk-oi protégés who are destined to shock the world in 2012? We’d like to tell you, but like Bernie Rhodes we’re holding back until the time is right...



PS Bev asked us to send her love to all who know her as she refuses to “do FaceFuck” and hasn’t got enough credit to text all her thousands of punky fans. She says: “Tell ’em I’m still alive (albeit only just, and 'older & wider'!!!) and wish ’em a Happy New Beer from me! Ta xxxxxxxxxx”

By the way, it is officially the end of 2011 and yet there is still no sign of ’30 Years Of Oi: Never Surrender’ at Nads HQ. Does the comp actually exist? Or could the pictures we were sent earlier this month have been faked, like the shots of Nessie and UFOs you see on the internet? We have asked top scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to investigate and will report back accordingly.

Lars tells us that his Old Firm Casuals will be releasing THREE split singles next year: One with the Insane Dogs (Sebi Stomper’s band on the side), one with Evil Conduct, and a four-way split ep with Control, On File and Pressure Point.

Here is the link for Gal’s 2-Tone masterpiece Dance Craze. And you can like it on Facebook here.Thanks for making it NUMBER ONE in HMV before Christmas.

RANDOM Record Noos: Evil Conduct will release a new album next year. Boston ska-punks the Have Nots have just posted their cover of the Clash’s ‘White Man In Hammersmith Palais’ in honour of Joe Strummer. New York hardcore band Sheer Terror are bringing out two eps – a three-track 7inch on Reaper Records with their first new songs for sixteen years, and a three-track ep of Sham covers which will come out on Randale next year. Also coming from Randale: a brand new single from the UK Subs, a split single from the Templars and Agent Bulldogg and a brand new album from the USA’s mighty Patriot. Diana also tells us that she will be releasing a Franky Flame single in 2012, but will she be the one who gets her mitts on Gal’s solo seven inch? There is a lot on interest in the forthcoming Cockney Ska delight - according to the recently released Harvey Gardens at least. And the songs are pretty hot as well (Rim-shot!)

More random gumph: The Dropkicks are working on their next album, they reckon it’ll be out in September. Also out next year: the WEST SIDE BOYS ‘Reste Fier!’ lp (limited to 685 copies), expected February 2012. And a retro album celebrating the work of 80s Paris Oi! band the Bootboys (both on BDS)

Bad news for the New Model Army. A devastating fire burned down their studio at Bradford Mill on Christmas Eve and they lost pretty much everything. The fire started in a furniture outlet next to the Mill which was directly below NMA’s studio. Although most of the building was saved, the studio suffered a roof collapse, extensive fire, water and smoke damage and almost complete devastation.The band has lost their Gretsch and Slingerland vintage drum kits, a Hammond C3 Organ and a whole number of collectable old guitars and amplifiers. Also lost are the two projects that the band are currently working on – demos for their 12th studio album due in 2012 and recently discovered 30 year-old tapes containing early work which was to be added to the Spring re-release of the band’s debut album, ‘Vengeance’, from 1984. Singer Justin Sullivan tells us: “We have really been amazed by the response and the generosity of the offers of assistance we have received. Of course we are all upset about what has happened especially the loss of irreplaceable musical instruments and three or four months of recording work but we are insured and hope that at least our financial losses will be covered. In the end though, nobody was hurt and what was lost is just material. The band is about People and Spirit and without doubt this has never been stronger. There may perhaps be a bit of a delay in our activities but otherwise everything will continue as before.”

New Model Army - Fire

New Model Army - Fire

STOP PRESS! Well here it is, the proof in pictures! Oi Never Surrender, celebrating thirty years of Oi-Oi music, is all boxed up and ready to go. The lovingly prepared triple album will be despatched to the world from Saxony tomorrow. Compiled by Gal (in 2009!), it comes in various different coloured vinyl hues, and features all of the very best streetpunk heroes (Rejects, Sparrer, Gonads, Evil Conduct, Stomper 98, Booze & Glory, Last Resort, The Business, the Badoes, Argy Bargy, NOi!se, Perkele, Resistance 77, Iron Cross, Control, Darkbuster, Foreign Legion, Hammer & The Nails, Marching Orders, Maninblack, Mouthguard, Nabat, The Masons, Runnin’ Riot, The Traditionals and many more). You can order it direct fro. Some might complain that the mighty comp is nearly two whole years behind schedule but we’d remind you of Contra Records’ proud mantra: “Time matters not one jot.” The point is, it’s here and coming now. Which is more than can be said for Kiria (sobs into mulled wine, constructs festive noose with reinforced tinsel, slashes wrists with sharpened turkey bone...). OK chaps and chappesses, see you again on Old Year’s Night. Stay free.

30 Years of Oi!      30 Years of Oi!

Dec 19. Well that’s us done! We’ll be back on New Year’s Eve with our Awards of 2011 – find out who was the Man and Woman of the Year, and who was the biggest melt! In the meantime a Merry Christmas to all our readers – all the punks and skins, rudies and herberts, Mods, rockers, Casuals and suede-heads the whole world over; and especially to all of you would-be Gonadettes out there: you think you haven’t got a chance with us, but you fecking well have. If the Contra compilation actually arrives tomorrow we’ll break our silence and announce it to the world. But otherwise the Gonads’ festive message is: have an Abi Titmuss and a Julie


Dec 18. What a weekend! What a blinder! Greater Hits Volume Two is two-thirds finished, and it’s an absolute belter. The whole Gonads family turned up in the studio today to add guest and backing vocals – including, in no particular order: the Charlton Boys, Wattsie Watts, Leah McCaffrey, Allyson Maverick, original Gonadette Annie Auldiron, a passing flute band from Penge (!), Big Dave, and teenage guest singer Kamber, daughter of local Nads fan Steve Wells (ex-RGJ). Steve Whale also popped in with a coded message. Kamber was recruited in the Princess of Wales when Gal and Mick went off on a recce on Saturday. Some cynics claimed libellously that the pair had gone on an irresponsible pub crawl when they were clearly embarking on a serious search for talent. Grovelling apologies will be accepted. We don’t want to be accused of hype but we think the Mutt’s Nuts is an even better album than Plums. It has more punch than Floyd Mayfeather, some proper anthems, and Jase’s guitar work is stunning, particularly on the heavy-heavy monster tracks like ‘These Are Our Streets’. Many thanks to Leah for her interpretation of Sandra’s rebuttal on the sparkling new version of ‘Sanda Bigg’ and to Ska trumpeter Dave ‘Dizzy’ Clark for his contribution to ‘Lotto’. Whether this was the only horn blown this weekend, we couldn’t tell you - Saturday night got a bit messy with Allyson having to share a room in Nads HQ with four geezers, and Malcolm the cat. Blimey - one woman, four blokes and an exhausted pussy...we believe that’s what Paris Hilton calls a starter. This was after 19 pints of wallop and a vindaloo feast, so how any of them survived the night without gas masks is beyond us. Tonight the room was still being fumigated by a team of scientists and technicians from Porton Down... Anyway, the full track-listing is likely to be: ‘Go Mad With The Gonads’, ‘Oi! Nutter’, ‘Sandra Bigg (Really Big)’, ‘Oily Rag (Extended Version)’, ‘The Joys Of Oi’, ‘Skinhead Girl’, ‘Getting Pissed’, ‘England In Our Blood’, ‘Wrigleys’, ‘Conquest’, ‘Lotto’, ‘These Are Our Streets’, ‘Beki Bondage Please’, ‘She Can’t Whip Me’, ‘Karl Marx Supported Millwall’, ‘I Don’t Wanna’, ‘Lager Top Blues’, ‘Haemorrhoid’ and ‘Stop That Drumming’. And we are most definitely on course for a March release.

18-12-2011     18-12-2011

Fascinating fact: Wattsie Watts proved to be surprisingly good at playing the nagging wife on ‘Stop That Drumming’ – it was almost as if she’d done it before! Even more fascinating, last week Wattsie bumped into a transvestite called Cassie who looked exactly like her in every respect, except naked of course...we’d imagine. (Often). Sharron Stiletto was with her at the time; Shazza took one look at Cassie, turned her nose up and exclaimed “Freak!”. Priceless... much of the weekend remains blurred due to studio fatigue (sometimes mistaken for drunkenness by non-professionals), but South Coast Steve excelled himself with his travelogues which have now expanded to include his guide to arterial roads, service stations and lay-bays (Steve recommends Tebay on the M6). These insights are not only intensely detailed, they have also been found to be a natural cure for insomnia. (The Higgins Monologues are now available on prescription from your GP, but use them carefully, they are mighty powerful. FB heard one in October and has been in a coma ever since.) Our apologies to the long-suffering staff of the Moghul and our thanks to Mick for providing the Gonads tour bus, to Pat Collier for his startling efficiency and to Chris Weeks for the pictures. Thanks also to everyone out there in Gonads-Land for sticking with us. Keep the faith! 2012 is going to be a whole lot louder.

Out this week: Adrenalin O.D.’s ‘Let's Barbeque’ single on colour vinyl (Psychic Volt), a mightily angry split single from Road Rage and Sleepwalkers (Welfare), and the new album from This Time Next Year called ‘Drop Out Of Life’ (No Sleep Records). Comp of the week: ‘Ten Years Of Think Fast! Records’ the first ever 10-inch picture disc featuring ten songs celebrating the label’s decade-long reign of glory – Think Fast! Launched Sick Of It All, Have Heart and Ignite among others...

Out next year, “for sure” says the PM: the long-awaited ‘Poplar Boys’ ep from the original East End Badoes. That first band line-up, including Skully, have now been asked to record a second ep for a US label, which will feature the original unreleased version of ‘Ronnie & Reggie’, ‘Police and Thieves’ (backed by the Poplar Boys choir), and “one very special track”. For the release date, see Mystic Meg. Unfortunately Tel’s plans to have the Badoes play TNT next year fell through when he realised that Skully’s convictions mean he can’t ever get into the USA.

Message to the Brazilian promoter who contacted us recently: Sí, quisiéramos jugar en el Brasil. Consiga por favor en contacto con nosotros otra vez.

Dec 17. Congratulations Gal! Garry’s 2-Tone book Dance Craze: Rude Boys On The Road went to Number One in the HMV book chart yesterday! And here’s a surprise: Two-Faced, the 2003 follow-up to his pulp fiction crime novel The Face, is back in the fiction Top 20 too! We’ve been in the studio today – a full report will follow.

Dance Craze

Dec 16. Gal recorded his latest podcast today; it features a mixed bag of quality ditties from the likes of 360, Billy Bones, Cyanide Pills, Forced Reality, A Multitude of Sins, Wolfsbane, the Pocket Devils, Jenny Woo, Screama Ballerina, the Dipsomaniacs, the Anti-Nowhere League and many more. Studio guests are Shameless star Johnny Owen and legendary Mod DJ Paul Hallam, AKA “the Stalin of Style.” The entirely sober radio show disgracefully morphed into a spectacular pub crawl during which the merry crew were joined by Eddie Piller, former Punk Lives editor Alf Martin and assorted wide-boys (but not punk rock transvestite Sharron Stiletto who Gal claimed had been due to join them but had been nabbed by the fuzz – painful – the night before on a charge of “possessing a concealed weapon”.) The podcast should be up shortly... Next month? Puke Box Jury!

PS. Apologies to everyone who sent in CDs for this show – due to an administrative error they’ve only just reached us, and will feature on January’s edition instead.

Fascinating Facts: Alf Martin was the last rock writer to interview Marc Bolan alive. Paul Hallam was probably the last person to employ Pete Doherty (as a bar-man). The Acid Jazz HQ in Shoreditch is hidden at the back of a bric-a-brac shop, like something out of a 1960s TV spy series. Kiria would have joined us but has suffered an unfortunate accident involving an over-tight rubber bikini; hey, K: if you need anyone to kiss it better...

Incidentally, Cardiff Soul Crew veteran turned actor Johnny Owen also features in Cass Pennant’s documentary on Casuals now available on Amazon.

Random news: the official launch party for Gal’s Dance Craze 2-Tone book will be in London on January 18th – selected invites will follow. Jennie Bellestar calls it “the greatest 2-Tone book ever written”, and she should know... We’re back in the studio this weekend adding vocals and guitar over-dubs to Greater Hits Volume Two; and the launch do for that will probably be in the Black Forest in March – watch the news page for confirmation... Contra say that the 30th Anniversary Oi album will be released next Tuesday, but we’ll see...Out now: the Riders of The Night’s Xmas single, ‘What’d Did I Get For Xmas?’... and the first album from French Ska band Bobby SixKiller, called ‘Lonely Road’

Dec 15. A rare copy of the Sex Pistols’ anthem 'God Save The Queen' on A&M Records is being sold online for £10,000. Most of the A&M copies were destroyed when the band were dropped by the label before its release. Online music store says the un-played vinyl disc, produced in 1977, was obtained from an "ex-industry source with impeccable credentials" and is in mint condition. It seems that only our own 1977 release ‘Stroke My Beachcomber Baby’ is rarer, but we’ll take £9,990 cash and a crate of Stella for the acetate, no questions asked...

There will be a launch party for Gal’s new Dance Craze book in East London next month. We also hope to announce Gonads shows in Germany, Bournemouth and Shanklin, Isle Of Wight shortly. Fuck Seattle – you’ve had your chance.

Brand new Mighty Mighty Bosstones song ‘Like A Shotgun’ now up here.

This is festive: 500 copies of the new split single from Last Man Standing and The Governors have been produced on Christmas tree shaped vinyl.

South Coast Steve’s Coast To Coast tour is already attracting avid followers. Our Liverpool correspondent Richie was particularly moved by Steve’s Toxteth report. He tells us: “I lived there myself for many years, so I thought I would add a few more things. Toxteth is the sort of place where you are considered middle class if you have two parents. I woke up one morning and my wheelie bin was on bricks! The first question in the pub quiz is usually ‘Who the fuck are you lookin’ at?’” But Richie adds: “I can’t believe South Coast never mentioned the prozzies around Sefton Park; there used to be one there with a body as flat as an ironing board, silver thigh length boots and no teeth, and she was the best one!” (Wasn’t she our flag-girl in Blackpool? – The Beast)

Le Beat Bespoke four-day weekender is back in London this Easter with surf legends The Trashmen, plus The Jim Jones Revue’s explosive mix of Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, MC5, The Stooges and The Birthday Party; our pals sixties psychedelic legends The Pretty Things, and The Crazy World of Arthur Brown who will be recreating their past glories. Reformed freakbeat geezers The Sorrows and The Poets will be playing their mod anthems, while Northern Soul sensation Maxine Brown will be joined by excellent young Catalan band The Pepperpots to recreate the classic sound of the Motown girl groups. Also on the bill: Wild Evel & the Trashbones and The Hollywood Sinners. For more info and tickets check out this link. Advanced tickets from here.

Dec 14. Bad news: Indonesian police, acting under Sharia Law, have moved against punks and skinheads. 64 music fans were arrested at a charity concert in Banda Aceh's Taman Budaya park on Saturday night by regular and Sharia cops. Local police chief Inspector, General Iskandar Hasan said: "Their hair will be cut. Then they will be tossed into a pool. The women's hair we'll cut in the fashion of a female police officer. Then we'll teach them a lesson. We'll change their disgusting clothes. We'll replace them with nice clothes. We'll give them toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, sandals and prayer gear. It will all be given to them. I'll remind [police] not to breach human rights. We are oriented to educating our community, our nation. This is our country too, right?" Evi Narti Zain of the Aceh Human Rights Coalition condemned the action, saying the police's action was violent and illegal: "What is this education? The police's action is inconsistent because the punks did nothing wrong, Punk music is their way of expressing themselves. It is normal and is found all around the world. It's their right to express their freedom. There's nothing wrong with punk kids." Indonesia embraced Sharia last year, sparking accusations of human rights violations.

Here's Gal's guide to the jolly old highs and lows of 2011. The best show we played: The 'Plums' album launch party, 12 Bar club, London, with Viva Las Vegas. The best show attended: 2000 Tons of TNT fest, Connecticut, USA. The best albums of 2011 (not including 'Plums'): best punk/oi album - Booze & Glory 'Trouble Free'; best Ska/reggae album - Dub City Rockers: 'Peace Love Faith Hope Respect Co-Exist'; best punk pathetique album - Monkish: 'You Can't Polish A Turd'; best contemporary punk: Random Hand's 'Seething Is Believing'; best rock: Agincourt's 'Angel of Mons'; best comp: 'This Is StreetPunk' (Pirates Press). Best band reunions: Case (UK), Forced Reality (USA). Best new band: 360; the 335. Worst band: Rustier Nuts. Biggest disappointment of the year: 1) England rugby team 2) Green Lantern movie 3) Terence Hayes, PM 4) The non-appearance of the 30 years of Oi comp. 5) Sex with Pippa Middleton. Most important incident: Alien contact, but keep schtumm about it.

The first five Lagwagon albums have just been re-released by Fat Wreck Chords.

Day Three of SCS's 'Coast To Coast' guide to English towns finds our roving drummer in the delightful Northern idyll of Toxteth: "Toxteth is a sleepy suburb of Liverpool with a history dating back to Roman Times. Awakening to the dawn chorus of blaring car alarms, I stepped over the touching pavement display of vomit and discarded hypodermic needles and took in the delights of Phlegethon, a river of boiling blood and fire full of screaming sinners (Eh, isn't this Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell? - Ed); upon returning to Sefton Park I was approached by a friendly local who told me to "Calm down" repeatedly before stabbing me with a Stanley knife (continued Liverpool General Hospital)

Hey you, don't read this - order Gal's 2-Tone book Dance Craze from the shop page!

Dec 13. Oh blimey, the Pukes have had to pull out of the Blackpool show due to personal circumstances. A shame, but never mind, a replacement act will be confirmed shortly. Possibly the Pokes. It’d be a poor show if we couldn’t enjoy Pokes in Blackpool.

Random noos: Neville Staple is stricken with pneumonia and has cancelled next Saturday’s gig... Green Day have recorded a cover version of the Misfits’ ‘Hybrid Moments’ live in the studio... The Sharks tour the UK in March and April... Agnostic Front are over in August... Nick Cave’s Grinderman project has split... and now more Coast To Coast with South Coast Steve: “The charming Cotswold village of Bledington is in the wide valley of the River Evenload and is centred on a rough green complete with a small stream and noisy ducks, which is a perfect place to sit and enjoy ones bean-burger and alfalfa sarnies. A 15th-century church is located on the southern edge of the green with a row of pleasant cottages overlooking the churchyard where once the verger got done for exposing himself to a school dinner-lady...” (continued Radio 4)

*Chelsea Dom, our roving drunk about town, has filed his review of London’s best weekend gigs: ‘Following a few liveners in the 12 Bar and the Montague Pyke, we headed for the Borderline to start our weekend of punk rock nostalgia. And so begins a whistle-stop tour. First up were the Members, who to be honest I wasn't really looking forward to as the last time I'd seen them they were very pedestrian – or should that be ‘limp’? To my surprise their suburban sound was much more up tempo this time round, largely thanks to punk rock legend Rat Scabies taking on drum duties. All the classics were played to what was a packed crowd (the gig was a sell-out): ‘Off Shore Banking Business’, ‘Solitary Confinement’ (still very relevant today) and ending on the seminal ‘Sound Of The Suburbs’, with everyone singing along (of course). Following a swift break for desperately needed refreshment, Eddie & the Hotrods hit the stage. These days it appears the only original is Barry Masters who has got to be the leanest man in rock, even thinner than Jagger. Their set was played at a rapid tempo, hardly pausing for breath, cranking out their R&B pub-rock tunes at a lively pace. Again, all the classics were there: ‘Teenage Depression’, their classic cover of The Who’s ‘The Kids Are Alright’ and their monster hit ‘Do Anything You Wanna Do.’ Just before the end, we made a swift exit back to the 12 Bar, where Splodgenessabounds were about to play and so round off another booze-addled evening. Splodge were complimented by the return of Ronnie Rocker as second guitarist. Again more classics: ‘Two Little Boys’, ‘Two Pints Of Lager’ (hang on, is there a theme going on here?) and ‘Tough Shit Wilson’ dedicated to Lee from Infa Riot (although Max neglected to include my suggested lyric change 'Tough shit married in '63, a big hairy ape-man called Men-si'). Finally on to Sunday and the Rezillos at the Underworld. After recovering from the shock of the £20 entrance fee and a lack-lustre support act, the band came on with the energetic and seemingly ageless Faye Fife smacking us right between the eyes with a sterling version of ‘Flying Saucer Attack’. Yet more gems followed: ‘My Baby Does Good Sculptures’ and ‘Top Of The Pops’ with the band ending with the splendid ‘Someone's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked in Tonight (Alright)’. Thus concluded a cracking weekend of live entertainment, with more to follow in the coming days with trips to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park and The UK Subs/Defects at the Garage. Let’s hope my liver can take it’ – Chelsea Dom, News At Ten, Sober.

STOP PRESS: Ruck & Roll Part 197. The Cockney Rejects’ gig at Bedford Esquires on Saturday was not without incident. We’re told some big klutz thought it’d be funny to throw beer over Jeff Turner. He suffered it once, but when he saw the nuisance returning with a second pint to do it again, the singer leapt off the stage and laid him out. Moral? You can throw beer over Bruce Foxton and get away with it but don’t try it at a Rejects show unless you’re r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ready to duck. Later a second drunk had to be persuaded by Jeff to leave in the stage in a manner that is best described as non-diplomatic. One of these incidents has since found its way on to YouTube.

Dec 12. How did the weekend go? Well, let’s just start by telling you not five, not ten, not fifteen but SEVENTEEN backing tracks were finished in the monumental two day session: ‘Sandra Bigg (Really Big)’, ‘Wrigleys’, ‘Haemorrhoid’, ‘Skinhead Girls’, ‘Getting Pissed’, ‘Oi Nutter’, ‘Stop That Drumming’, ‘England In Our Blood’, ‘Beki Bondage Please’, ‘She Can’t Whip Me’, ‘Lotto’, ‘Oily Rag’ (extended version), ‘The Joys Of Oi’, ‘Karl Marx Supported Millwall’, ‘Lager Top Blues’, ‘These Are Our Streets’ and ‘Go Mad With The Gonads’. A new version of ‘Conquest’ will also be in the mix. Oh boy! We set out to make a better album than ‘Plums’ and it sounds like we’ve done it. Greater Hits Volume Two will have pure punk, Oi, Ska, and proper street rock. Another three or four days in the studio should be enough to finish it. But can our livers take it? As it was, poor old Nacho ended up leaving a large deposit of “pavement pizza” behind us in Forest Hill (the chunder from Down Under); naturally he blamed the curry and not the fifteen pints and half a bottle of Scotch that followed it. The next day he was mainlining Resolve. There were scenes of devastation too at Gonads HQ where someone kindly wrecked the deluxe sofa bed in Gal’s office with a clumsily deposited six stone coffee table. In true Iron Maiden style, our four heroes were transformed by booze into hideous alter-egos: Vag Man, Veg Man, Slag Man, and Blag Man. ‘Sacked Man’ Fat Col had been banned from the studio, along with all non-essential personnel (although the Beast did turn up after Mick Maverick absent-mindedly sketched out a pentagram on the kitchen floor in fresh goat’s blood; the Beast was driving his tasteful new Volkswagen Golf, we’re not saying it’s a state but Mick took one look at it and gave him a repair estimate). The only worrying note was sounded by Scrotum (Lord Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer) who rang in from Sandy Lane Hotel, Barbados, and was “’orrified” to learn that South Coast Steve is a Spurs-supporting vegetarian with yoga tendencies and an unnatural taste for tofu; Waistrel has ordered a full investigation. The errant FB has also found himself banished to the Naughty Step for absconding with the demo tape of ‘Son Of Franken-Skin’; rumours that he has been trying to flog this epic song to Airborne or Metallica cannot be discounted.

Coming soon, exclusive to this blog: Coast To Coast with South Coast Steve, a personal guide to the towns and villages of Great Britain mumbled sotto voce by our lovable drummer (over a click track). Part One: Great Tew, “a picture book Cotswold hamlet consisting of delightful cottages with thatched and gabled roofing, mullioned windows and charming flower bedzzz...” (Sorry dropped off – Ed).

*TV gold on Bunce Nation last week – not only Jeff Turner’s punditry debut but also a classic moment from Wally Angliss. The former featherweight was live on Steve Bunce’s Box Nation boxing show when his mobile began to ring. Keen to prove his suitability for future small screen bookings, Wally, 59, answered the phone on air and told the caller sternly “Fuck off, I’m on the telly.”

*Confirmed as supports for our Blackpool show: The Pukes – eleven punk women (and one geezer) playing ukulele versions of punk standards. And they said variety was dead. Check ’em out here.

We are mates with the Infas again and are happy to accept that last week’s shocking mix-up was due to a “communication breakdown”. Don’t let it happen again, though lads, or Sporall will feed your gizzards to the lizards.

*RUDE Euro-hostile punk rock from Insane Society.

The Pukes

The Noxious Toyz are looking for a new drummer. Anyone interested should contact Stief.

Dec 10. We’re in the studio today to start recording ‘Greater Hits Volume Two: The Mutts’ Nuts’ with Pat Collier. Our studio requirements are: one guitar, one bass, one drum kit, various microphones, seventeen gallons of best bitter, twenty-two gallons of Stella Artois, twenty-three gallons of Wurzel-strength scrumpy, four barmaids, five whips, two bottles of Jack Daniels, three bottles of Naval Rum and four bottles of Jägermeister (Wimps – Pete Way); battle-hardened war reporters will be covering the inevitable carnage.

Lord Waistrel interrupted his traditional two month Christmas holiday in Barbados today to issue a “serious reprimand” to Lee Wilson of Infa-Riot. Crafty Wilson, presumably for a bet, enticed the gullible Fat Col with talk of a “prime special guest slot” at their forthcoming Garage gig. But upon investigation the actual ‘offer’ turned out to be a bottom of the bill slot for three groats and a bag of crisps before the doors opened. A stern-faced Waistrel denounced Wilson as “a buffoon, a clown, a twerp, a conman, a congenital idiot and a drivelling nincompoop” and then he got really angry and challenged him to a duel or a horse-whipping “whichever the wretch has the stomach for.” Aggressive Gooner Martin Sporall, although not technically associated with the Gonads, has also “copped the ache” on our behalf. “The fucking Infas would struggle to pull a mussel out of its shell,” he fumed. We have talked Mart out of “opening up Wilson like a can of dog meat”, but we cannot prevent him from urging discerning Arsenal fans to boycott the show until we receive a full apology from the slippery rascal. Could Mensi be right about the Infas, asks Effete El? It seems unlikely. Mensi hasn’t been right about anything since about 1980. But we will be watching their future activities with renewed interest.

Dec 9th: A trip back in time today, as the ghosts of Sounds stalked ye olde White Lion in Covent Garden. This glorious pub should feature in any 1970s punk rock retrospective. It was here that Mick and Jeff Geggus first met Gal in 1979, where Phil Lynott stood his round but Malcolm McLaren never did, and where Alan Moore sank pints with Hoxton Tom. Chrissie Hynde drank here as did U2 and Twisted Sister as well as such fabled regulars as John Peel, Pete Way and Gal Lammin. Today the turn-out was perhaps less stellar, but it was still fantastic to see former Sounds Editor Alan Lewis, still sexy snappers Virginia Turbett and Jill Furmanovsky, the world’s leading reggae authority Eric Fuller, punk’s first reviewer Jonh Ingham, brilliant cartoonist Edwin ‘Savage Pencil’ Pouncey, princess of pain Betty Page and such stalwart Sounds regulars as Pete Silverton, Hugh Fielder, Margaret from advertising and Phil Sutcliffe (there were others but sorry, we’re slightly pissed). Charlie Harper’s old mate Jon ‘Jazzwise’ Newey also put in an appearance. He tells us: “A bunch of boozers in the corner approached me and enquired if I was in the Rolling Stones and if Gal was Garry Bushell. I told them we were Steptoe and Son. They seemed satisfied.” It was an epic day. If only we could remember more about it...

SOUNDS Reunion
From L-R: Look at these old bastards! Left to right at the Sounds reunion: Betty Page, Jon Newey, Alan ‘Big Al’ Lewis,
Pete Silverton, Hugh Fielder, Gal, Margaret from advertising, Virginia Turbett, Edwin ‘Savage Pencil’ Pouncey, Eric Fuller,
Phil Sutcliffe, Jonh Ingham (Wot? No Geoff Barton? – Ed-Banger).
Picture: Jill Furmanovsky, Location: the fabled White Lion, Covent Garden.

Some news: The Charlton Boys ep is out now on every download platform... the ‘Ska For Heroes’ charity ep by Buster’s Ska Battalion will still have a physical release, but not until Easter, 2012... The Dropkicks are playing two special St Patrick’s gigs at Boston’s House of Blues on March 15th and 16th.

Small Fakers

A NUTTY NEW YEAR, LONDON 30/31 DEC: celebrate the New Year in style at the Nutty New Year Ball at the 229! Here’s what you get: a live performance at midnight in the beat basement from special guests THE SMALL FAKERS performing the Small Faces 1968 classic album OGDENS NUT GONE FLAKE with Stan Unwin’s son John narrating, complete with crown and fur coat finery just like the classic COLOUR ME POP video.

It will be the usual three-roomed affair, with northern soul classics in the main room, mod club classics and the beat basement from an international DJ line-up (wot? No Paul Hallam?) 9pm till 6am. Venue- 229 The Venue, 229 Great Portland Street, London W1W 5PN

Dec 7. RIP Hubert Sumlin, the legendary blues guitarist died on Sunday, aged 80. Mississippi-born Sumlin, whose work with Howlin’ Wolf made him an idol for rock guitarists from Clapton and Hendrix to Jimmy Page and Nacho Jase, played on blues classics including ‘Spoonful’ and ‘Smokestack Lightnin’’. His relationship with Wolf was stormy. He once said, “We had some tremendous fights. He knocked my teeth out and I knocked his out, but none of it mattered. We always got right back together.” (It was just the same with Brotherhood of Man - Ed). RIP also soul singer Dobie ‘Drift Away’ Gray who died yesterday aged 71.

Gal’s Dance Craze book on the 2-Tone explosion can be ordered now from here. And copies will be in HMV by Monday. For our money, it’s worth buying for the true story of Judge Dread and the German dwarf alone.

Wattsie has banned us from writing about gigs that haven’t been fully confirmed, so we’ll just say “Gonads/Case... joint headliner in Hamburg... February... watch this space.”

Random clunge: The Old Firm Casuals’ new single ‘Army Of One’ is released on Oi The Boat records a week tomorrow... The four-track NOi!se/Gestalts split 7inch is out on 16th... Matt Freeman’s Devils Brigade are recording a new album... Jeff ‘Stinky’ Turner made his debut as a boxing pundit on Steve Bunce’s Bunce Nation show on Monday... Lee Wilson is trying to get the Orgasm Guerrillas to open for the Infas at their London show next March, but is having trouble negotiating with that hard-nosed bastard Martin Sporall... Metallica have brought forward their European dates to 2012 to cash in on the weakness of the Euro; in a strange chat with the Wall Street Journal, manager Cliff Burnstein likened the band to other US exports like Coke, although that Lou Reed album had less fizz than a month-old open bottle of Morrison’s cola...

Where are the now? Franken-Skin: missing in action, believed to have branched off on a solo career. The Beast: moving into TV production. Harvey Gardens: moving into a bijou cell in Belmarsh. The Nosher: moving out of Charlton and back to Southend. Sandra Bigg (really big): living in Cyprus. FB: on a secret squirrel mission with MI5, or the CIA, or Mossad, or possibly the Sea Scouts. We’re sure we’ll hear from him again in due course.

December Up-Date: We are in the studio this month recording Greater Hits Volume Two: The Mutt’s Nuts. The full track-listing cannot be confirmed as yet, but as many as twenty classic Nads songs will be recorded and then whittled down to sixteen. The album should be released at the beginning of March on Randale Records.

On the live front, these gigs are confirmed for the next two months. January 28th: Balls To The World at Ball’s Brothers, Lime Street, with Spizz and the Roystones. Feb 25: Eh Up, Let’s Sup! at the Pineapple Inn, Bolton, with Shakey’s Brother. Feb 26. The Gonads Come Again, with A Multitude Of Sins and special guests, Merrie England bar, Blackpool. For more confirmed 2012 shows and regular gig up-dates check the news page.

Random news: Rancid are back in the studio early 2012 to record their follow-up to Let The Dominos Fall, with Bad Religion’s Brett Gurewitz. The cracking new Jimmy Cliff ep produced by Tim Armstrong is out now. Green Day’s America Idiot stage-show will open in the UK and Ireland next Autumn. The East End Badoes’ ‘Poplar Boys’ ep has been put back until the end of January 2012. Motley Crue will unveil their first “inter-active” live show in Las Vegas in February. Says Tommy Lee: “I think more and more people are wanting an experience, and we're trying to bring that into this where people aren't necessarily at the show, they're in the show... We're putting together moments of this show where the actual audience participates. They're in it. They're around it. It's going to be really exciting." The twelve gig run of “over-the-top craziness” will be at The Joint in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino from February 3 – 19.

Dec 4. Big changes are coming here at Camp Gonad. Fat Col has been banned from writing further entries on this blog and many new priorities are being put into place. Therefore this blog is closing for the immediate future and, for a short time, only necessary updates will be posted. Says Gal: “All of the gigs set up by my big-hearted friend Colin Gannon will be honoured, but we will be doing a lot of different things next year which we are very excited about. You don’t need to be an Ancient Mayan to know that 2012 is going to get serious. We’ll let you know more when everything is confirmed.”

Message to the pushy promoter trying to get us to play a free gig in the West End for “publicity”: are you serious? If publicity were our aim we would probably try and associate ourselves with a well-known national newspaper columnist with a lot of high-flying journalist friends... no, we can’t think of one either. Fuckwit.

Dec 3. Diamond gig last night, with a great atmosphere. Thanks to Barnet Mark and Tottenham Sean for setting it up, to the Gonads Barmy Army – especially Shona, Allyson, Dom and Dave Maverick for turning up – and “Hallå” to our new pals from Sweden. No thanks at all to Fat Col who got rat-arsed in the Bugle Horn at dinner-time and failed to arrive with the merchandise or to our former road manager who went AWOL with a dubious excuse (yet again). The all-action, fast-forward set list was: Punk Rock Till I Die, Grant Mitchell, Alconaut, Oi Mate, The Growler, Gob, Jobs Not Jails, Oily Rag, Frankenskin, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, Tucker’s Ruckers and Hey You. Encore: That’s Oi. Quote of the night, from a blonde 22-year-old Swedish skin-bird: “That old man over there, he is about sixty, he has asked me to have sex with him, I think I will try it.” (Note to selves: book Swedish gigs in new year). The Swedish contingent complained that ‘Infected’ wasn’t in the set, so we’ll put it back in for the Balls Brothers ‘Balls to the World’ show next year – with la belle Wattsie Watts on vocals. Wattsie turned up like a vision of loveliness last night; she then sacked “sexist caveman” Fat Col by text and has taken over the management reins again. An insider tells us: “Fat Col’s management style was the punk equivalent of a geezer re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic. He made small changes here and there, but didn’t notice the fucking iceberg was coming.” On the plus side, Col has got himself some of these new bacon-flavoured condoms. Given the state of his love-life, we suspect he’s talking bacon jerky...

Frequently asked questions: 1) When will Gal’s solo project take off? April 2012. 2) Why don’t the Gonads play Rebellion? Simple, fat-gutted Guardian-reading tosspot promoter Darren Russell objects to our opinions – and we won’t water down what we are for him, or anyone else. 3) What do the Gonads stand for? Hard-hitting blue collar rock’n’roll; pissing off PC pricks and racist bigots, ENGLAND, and the people triumphant. As Gal said on stage: “YOU are the real power in this country – the people! Don’t let ’em tell you any different. The people are the power! If you want it, rise up and fucking take it!” Here, here! Hear hear!

Dec 2. Okay, peeps, if you’re coming to the 12 Bar tonight, doors open at 7pm. In the meantime I have confirmed two more great Gonads gigs for next year: Riga in Southend on March 23rd with P45 and Trojan reggae DJ Olas Boss, and the Garage with Infa-Riot on March 31st. This is Fat Col, the Man with the Plan! The Don of the Swan! (The Twat with the Fat – Ed)

Finally! The English version of German fanzine Der Randalierer is out now and the first 150 copies come with a special limited edition vinyl split single featuring us and Infa-Riot! Order it quick as it will sell out faster than an MP on the take; available from

Here’s a trailer for the Rejects documentary, East End Babylon. Coming next year: Cockney Reject the audio book, read by Jeff! You heard it here first! And there may well be a sequel to the first book about Jeff’s life in the 80s and 90s.

Gal’s 2-Tone book Dance Craze should be in HMV by next Friday December 9th.

Definitely due out next year: the definitive authorized history of Oi! And in the pipeline for 2013: the autobiography of Millwall Roi (although that’s not so much a book as a charge sheet...).

Gal don’t want you to know this but I’m running the show now so hard cheese, geez! Seems our leader managed to pile on a stone on board the good ship Black Pearl and has been secretly using the Fatty Lol slimming method (jogging in a black bin liner!) to try and shed it ever since. According to Fit Bird it ain’t worked! You fat bastard!

Public Image Limited are releasing their first album for more than twenty years. John Lydon says the record will probably be called ‘This is PiL’.

Finally if our Christmas party ain’t enough for you and you like you music heavy, then the legendary Earache Xmas party is taking place a week today (9th) at the Electrowerkz in Islington. Line up – Rival Sons, Evile & Savage Messiah plus DJs Lady Starlight and the lovely Rebel L (Terrorizer).

Earache Xmas Bash

Dec 1. This blog speaks and the whole world listens! Yesterday I moaned about the non-availability of Charlton Boys on download and immediately Randale got back to us to say that the ep will be available as a download one week tomorrow on December 9th! We’ve also had Contra on, assuring us that the 30th anniversary Oi comp is “definitely imminent” as “a triple album.” But so far, no word from Terence Hayes, PM, about the release date for the ‘Poplar Boys’ ep. And no word from Kiria about a confirmed release date for her tits (Oi! Enough of that – Sandra Lane)

Elsewhere The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are streaming their new ten-track album online. It’s out next Tuesday. And sticking in the States, the Ducky Boys have just released a new single: ‘I Guess I’m Broken’

Pauline Black on facebook yesterday said that anyone who didn’t support the public sector worker strike should un-friend her. Typical woman! Agree with me or fuck off! Whatever happened to rational and intelligent debate? This has been Fat Col, the Voice of Reason. See ya tomorrow!