Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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Aug 31. The news in headlines: Gal delivered a triple-whammy of rabbit-punches to the band this week. In one day, he VETOED our 2025 Hamburg gig stoking fears the Days In Europa agreement was some kind of ruse. He also BLOCKED a second attempt to organize a Christmas acoustic gig, and TOLD Mad Wasp radio that the Gonads will not release anything next year. The news was said to have blindsided the band who are trying to settle their grievances with the singer out of court in advance of the London farewell mini-tour. An ashen-faced James ‘JC’ Cruttwell reveals that Gal axed the Hamburg show, planned for March, after learning it was scheduled for a Monday night which he said was “insulting and unrealistic”. JC then revealed that Gal had turned down a second proposed Christmas acoustic knees-up in Deptford too, again without consulting the band. But the biggest blow was his radio interview when he told Mad Wasp radio that there was “very little chance of the Gonads recording anything at all next year, no albums, no singles, no EPs, no books, no sitcom, nothing”. He added, in the wise words of Dave Long, that he was “holding back until the time is right”. Club 77 spokesman, Effete El tells us, “This latest let-down sucks like the Nosher on dogging-in-Dartford night.”
Meanwhile reliable sources reveal that Gal has become obsessed with completing the long talked about concept album, Parousia (AKA The Quest for the Golden Goblets.). Dubbed “the first Oi! opera” by Vive Le Rock’s Chelsea Dom (The Grand Inquisitor), the story centres on the slain Franken-Skin’s heroic heir and his epic, continent-spanning search for the seven mystic golden goblets. It comes complete with Gregorian chants and “guitar solos that would make Dave Gilmour weep with joy”. The songs, partly composed by Gal and Clyde Ward on the 2017 US tour include: ‘Son Of Franken-Skin’ (co-written with Mark McMighty), ‘The Gentlemen’s Pissoir’, ‘Helga (Auf Wiedersehen Meine Schatz)’, ‘The Golden Shot’, ‘Tranquillity Spa (Let Him Pee)’, ‘Stand Up For The Champions’, ‘Rain On Me’ and the album-closing ‘The Curse of The Golden Goblets’. Anonymous insiders close to Gal (Fit Bird) tell us he’s working on it night and day and reaching out to a whole string of potential guest artists “from Micky Geggus and Steve Whale to Bryan Ferry, Adrian Smith, Snoop Dog and Youth”. Rick Wakeman, Brian Eno and “some geezer from Herman’s Hermits” are also believed to have been sounded out. Gal still refuses to talk to the blog however. Off-stage he is said to be “consumed with the black dog as he stares into the endless, gaping void of mortality”. Fit Bird says, “’E wants to leave ’is mark, dun’e?” Blimey.
While we’re temporarily here, there’s just time for one more problem to be solved by cuddly agony aunt, Madame Kelly. MB writes: Dear Madame, I’ve been sleeping with an older woman from a pub rock band who has made it clear she won’t leave her husband and only wants me for wild, bed-breaking, headboard-smashing, no-strings sex. Foolishly I have obliged her, often after gigs, going at it until she falls asleep from exhaustion. I am smitten, but once she’s had what she wants from me she returns to her rich old man with his big bank account and low libido. What should I do? Madame Kelly replies: Stop wasting your time with this cheating degenerate. Send her back to her ancient hubby, but not before tattooing ‘MB was here’ on her inner thigh while she’s crashed out. Bitch.’ More wise and compassionate advice from Madame K when Waistrel lets the blog return properly.
Aug 28. We’re supposed to be shut but we feel Lord Waistrel would very much want us to report this stunning revelation – new research shows that partaking of spermidine (which is found in human semen) slows down the ageing process, makes skin more supple and boosts energy levels. So the next time the Gonads play Getting Pissed and Gal tells Wattsie “It’s good for you” he can do so knowing that the statement is scientifically accurate and she’d be a self-harming fool to refuse his generous gift (writes our medical correspondent, Professor Colin Gannon, BSc, of the Spermidine Donation Clinic, Plumstead). That’s all folks.
Aug 27. Hallelujah, we’ve survived! If you’re reading this, it means that either the great timeline re-set succeeded, or that it somehow misfired without demolishing this reality. No doubt our crack team of quantum physicists will let us know. Either way, we can reveal that Gal has put Deptford Kev in charge of his 70th birthday celebrations for next May. Kev tells us that this will be a three-pronged event majoring on a Bushell’s Birthday Bash in southeast London, which will be the fifth in a series that began with the Ruts headlining Gal’s 24th birthday knees-up in East London in 1979, followed by Cock Sparrer reuniting for his 25th and Judge Dread supplying large portions of judicial rudeness the following year (both at the Bridgehouse). The final Bash in 1985 included Beki Bondage (plus whip), Buster Bloodvessel, the Orgasm Guerrillas, Nick Ferrari (!) and Wurzel from Motorhead at the Blackheath & Newbridge Working Men’s Club (the details are hazy). Other elements for 2025 are being kept under wraps but are believed to include a jaunt to Bavaria…
News shocker: A rare copy of our 7-inch debut single, Stroke My Beachcomber Baby, was up for auction last Friday with a reserve price of £500. We sent Fat Col to the southeast London auction house with instructions not to return without it. The result, in short, is he hasn’t returned. Our anonymous eye-witness (Effete El) reports “The fat fool blew so much dough on 60s Commando comics and antique issues of Forum and Penthouse that he didn’t have enough left to bid for the record.” We understand that the reserve price was not hit and the single was withdrawn.
Aug 20. Waistrel last night dramatically shut down this blog “for one hundred days” – to see out “the band’s unfortunate obsession with internecine warfare”. (So expect us back after the Bank Holiday – Cynical Ed). (Not a chance – Waistrel). His Lordship will be spending a month or two in a mountain retreat with “Sappho’s priestesses” in order to relieve the mounting stress of tax evasion, sorry, timeline resetting (scheduled for Bank Holiday Monday). In the event that this miserable reality survives, remember our shop page will close permanently on Tuesday (27th August). Use us before you lose us. Cheerio.
Aug 19. Actual straight-up news: here’s the brand new vid from The Hives – Rigor Mortis Radio.
Actual red-hot gossip: The Gonads have been secretly rehearsing without Gal in a provocation likened to “Ukraine invading Russia”… meanwhile Rebellion Festival are believed to have privately offered prestige stage time next year to a Gonads line-up fronted by John King… gulp! The world as we know it is teetering on the edge of madness and melt-down.
Your problems addressed by Madame Kelly. ‘Sue’ writes: ‘Dear Madame, I am dating the singer in a semi-famous punk band. He is much older than me and a bit of a tightwad but he takes me to gigs and occasionally out for curries and beer with all the other decrepit punks. The problem is he never seems to have the energy for sex, or the inclination. I’m chewing my carpet with frustration. What should I do?’ Madame Kelly replies: ‘Stop wasting your time you soppy cow, the bloke is clearly as gay as a French horn. Give him the old Spanish archer and find yourself someone more suitable. Hands off Chelsea Dom though. He’s a fine figure of a man and is destined for someone more womanly – little old me! PS If I could chew my own carpet I’d never leave home.’ Madame K adds: ‘To be honest, I’d avoid geezers over 60 entirely. They can only function when they’re pumped up on fistfuls of Viagra. Mucky pigs. The exception to the rule is if your codger puts you in his will, in which case let him bang away until his heart explodes.’ More from kind compassionate and caring Kelly soonest.
Aug 18. Leading quantum physicists Anita Ghutu, Susanna Koch and Janet Zuch claim to have cracked the mystery of the Gonads’ 47 years of bad luck and dismal failure. “Put simply, you are in the wrong timeline,” the scientists explain. “Other timelines, observable to us through unique quantum wormholes, show very different careers for the band, including ones where I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub) and Oi Mate were significant hits, the Lotto song was not sabotaged by Clyde and/or The Beast, Federales was Grammy-nominated and Iron Maiden, UFO, Ozzy Osbourne and Def Leppard all went ahead with their drunken late-night pledges to ‘record a track as the Gonads’. In many realities, the Gonads film was a} professionally-made b} released and c} became an award-festooned cinematic classic, heralded as ‘the punk rock Spinal Tap’. In some timelines, Gal became a Labour MP in the 1980s.” (He was invited to stand by a northeast constituency party but declined in this world – Ed). They go on, “Our studies found one reality where John King eats mutton biryani for breakfast daily, another where webmistress Batttttty became a billionaire tech giant after launching her search engine Moog-Mogg Conundrum (known as MMC) years before Google. There’s one where the Franken-Skin is real, one where the Golden Shot has his own Channel 4 TV series, Wetter Dreams – Ride The Waves, and I am afraid to say that in one multiverse, that was particularly hard for us to view, Wattsie actually wed Fat Col but was tragically widowed on day three of their dream honeymoon at a Reculver caravan park when he was crushed by a run-away twin-axel Astral Cameo outside the King Ethelbert. She later gave birth to their 29lb baby and never walked again. So sad. At least Gal’s marriage to Jennie Bellestar, in Reality 2093X, was long-lasting and happy. There are hundreds of different timelines where the Gonads make smarter decisions, and in many, are considered a heritage band of global importance.” Here is the game-changer, though: the Ghutu-Zuch-Koch team believe they have made “a significant astro-physical breakthrough at a quantum level” that will eventually enable them to ‘re-set’ our current timeline and ‘correct’ our reality. What could possibly go wrong? Well, apparently there is a 64.8% chance that their microscopic probing could “split open and collapse” our entire universe. Gulp. Still, worth a shot. See you on the other side. We hope.
PS. We’re guessing John King’s Rebellion over-view has resurfaced in another dimension – Ed.
Aug 17. Gal’s fast-tracked medical diagnoses have “knocked him sideways”, reveals a shaking Fit Bird, who tells us our leader has tested positive for chilli intolerance, i.e. curries and chilli sauce, and gluten intolerance – bread and, gulp, beer. “He needs to keep this quiet,” she whispers, “cos if the news leaks out, he could be drummed out of the Punk Rock Curry Club, couldn’t ’e?.” Maybe so, but sharing this information is a clear breach of data protection, so why are you telling us?, we ask aghast. Fit Bird replies: “Cos if I don’t, that slippery fucker Effete El will an’ that’s a fact.” True enough. This is yet another troubling twist at a time when the Gonads are embattled enough, and the world is watching our every move breathlessly. Probably. Posh-boy news analyst Marcus Stone tells us, “No curries and no beer? This will sabotage the Gonads’ reputation more effectively than round-dodgers like Paul Devine, Spizz and Scoops ever did. Half the set will be wiped out at a stroke, Gal Gonad’s credibility will be weakened, possibly beyond repair, and the only one rejoicing and laughing, laughing and rejoicing, will be a triumphant John King whose alleged power-grab is looking stronger by the day.” An ever-loyal Fat Col dubs the story, “Fake news from a very disreputable and discreditable source”, but we understand he is launching a break-away Punk Rock Italian Club – The PRIC – devoted to the culinary delights of Emilia-Romagna and the finest Gavi Di Gavi, just in case. Gal remains uncontactable due to the ongoing legal gulf between him and the band.
Wattsie guested with Gravesend’s The Alert at the Pelton Arms last night, singing backing vocals on Heat Wave and I’m A Believer. “They’re a mod band who also do punk songs,” she tells us. “I couldn’t find anything Mod-related to wear except my Mary Jane shoes, so that was all I was wearing.” Must’ve turned a few heads on the bus…
The phone rings at Nads HQ and a deep gravelly voice warns us never to mention The Sentinel on the blog ever again. “Anybody who leaks information about The Sentinel or testifies against them will become a target,” they say ominously before snapping, “Got it?” Yeah, got it. We have no idea who the mystery voice belonged to or why they were ringing from the home phone of Terence Hayes, PM, but we do know that even hardened Pranksters are terrified of The Sentinel. “I’ve seen grown brethren rip off their own heads off rather than meet with The Sentinel,” says our embedded informer, who definitely isn’t Effete El, honest. “Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) is terrified of them, Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor) is terrified of them… some members of The Sentinel are even terrified of themselves. So you’d better put nothing about them in that little Gonads book you’re bringing out next year.” The very idea! (Note to selves: rewrite Chapter 13: Inside The Wossname, tomorrow).
Aug 16. Could John King or his allies be behind the toxic kebab attack that left Gal reeling at the weekend? The author is already an associate member of the Gonads and has long been viewed as having leadership potential should a vacancy arise at the top. Conspiracy theorists believe that King’s long-term plan is to weaken and subvert Gal’s leadership and then take over the band. One, calling herself Rabbi T. Hole, tells us “A poisonous kebab would appeal to John’s sense of humour as it also underlines his militant vegan prejudices against food that tastes good and doesn’t have to be eaten with buckets of supplements.” Mr King, who is already the leader of the so-called PPGB, is believed to have long considered branching out into punk rock with a band, although his threatened single, Bushell’s Bacon has never been officially released (Rumours of a bootleg 7inch in Belarus were once rife – Fact-checking Ed).
Aug 15. Shock updates: Gal stricken by food poisoning… Micky Geggus teases new rock project… the Pranksters release security breach suspect without charge… and leading quantum physicists have asked to meet with blog – more news on that soon… In the meantime, those other stories in full:
We can reveal that Gal Gonad was taken ill on Saturday morning with suspected food poisoning. Although initially blamed on an iffy kebab, hardcore loyalist Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) is now investigating claims that the poisoning was deliberate, and “an act of provocation” engineered by unknown band members… Micky Geggus has teased his exciting new rock project, the Punch-Drunk Saints – more news when we have it… and the Jolly Pranksters’ stony-faced Sentinel have released security breach suspect Roger Abbit of Abbey Wood, saying he is innocent of any involvement in the great Prankster infiltration, which begs the question: Who framed Roger Abbit? (Could be a film in that – Ed).
Feelings are running especially high within the secret brotherhood as they were nearly infiltrated two years ago by MI5, in a complex ‘zombie sting’ dubbed Operation Blunstone (reports espionage specialist Tony Blunt). Our sources suggest the spies would have got away with it if it wasn’t for the brethren’s pesky friends in high places.
In other news, The Killers kicked off their residency at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas last night, performing their album Hot Fuss in full. Gal has his sights on a return, organised and promoted by one of his oldest and dearest friends, comedian Christine Peake, but Vegas remains a very sore point for the Nads – the band nearly split after Gal and Clyde’s show with the American Gonads at the Dive Bar in S Maryland Parkway, Las Vegas, in 2017; and the planned return in 2019 fell apart at the last minute with Fat Col blaming “internal trouble-makers making it impossible to organise”. Gonads watchers are confident a split can be avoided. “It’s not 2011 all over again,” whispers our insider ‘Littlefinger’, “but the new internal struggle is bringing these small historical fall-outs, ill-feeling and irritations back to the forefront.” Blimey.
Aug 10. This blog closes from today while bitter legal battles and internal squabbles play out. Before we go, we can announce that Gal has agreed to forge ahead with a “unique” Gonads book for Christmas 2025 with contributions from Clyde Ward and a foreword by veteran rock writer Mick Wall…
In the murkier world of gossip and rumour, we understand that the Sentinel – the Pranksters’ equivalent of the Papal Swiss Guard – have apprehended a certain brother Roger Abbitt of Abbey Wood as chief suspect in the Wattsie-related security breach… FB, Assistant Comrade Manager (Rtd), is said to have assembled a “keen young jazz-punk ensemble” as Gal’s so-called ‘Gonads mark 2’, “just in case”… and Amyl & The Sniffers are promising that their third album will be released “soon”. Trebles all round! We’ll be back with John King’s Rebellion reflections, plus more news and gossip, more insights, and a lot more heartfelt acid-tongued “advice” from top agony aunt Madame Kelly, in due course.
Aug 9. Here is an update from the Jolly Pranksters, read solemnly to invited hacks and bloggers today at a location not far from the brethren’s ultra-secret, unlocatable headquarters (in Green Lane, Chislehurst) by the PM himself: “Yesterday senior brethren completed their investigation into allegations that our illustrious and mysterious fraternity has been compromised by a female infiltrator – allegedly Shona Wattsie Watts, who was said to have disguised herself with a prominent dildo strapped to her inner left thigh, and with her bosoms taped down, in order to pass as a man and penetrate our secretive 69th degree (aka the ‘club within a club’). After an exhaustive search of all living members of the 69th, past and present, we have found that not a single female was in their haloed ranks.” (Cue raucous cheers from assembled grand rank Pranksters and one muffled cry of ‘Shame!’). PM: “However we can reveal that two members of the so-called Gonads, a rather juvenile and noisy band of poor taste and low humour, had indeed infiltrated two of our lower degrees, these being Loki Lodge, the lodge of Mischief, and Kazoo Lodge, the lodge of Carnality. I can reveal that those fake-brethren have been expelled and can now be named as Shona Wattsie Watts and Miss Management.” (Cries of ‘Shame!’, ‘Hang them!’ and, we think, ‘Duck ’em!’). PM: “I can assure you that in the interests of fair play they were both searched thoroughly before being exposed, and if they wish to appeal, I am willing to repeat the process twice more, after dinner and a bottle of fine wine, in slow motion if necessary.” (Cries of ‘Hear, hear’, ‘My turn’ and ‘Me too!’.) Then the PM’s mood darkened as he aded: “However we know they could not have progressed to those coveted levels without inside assistance and a further investigation has now been launched to root out the traitor.” (Cries of ‘Kill him!’, ‘Fat Col!’ and ‘Kick him out!’). PM: “So mote it be. That concludes today’s business, so we will adjourn for the festival board in that Chislehurst place. To order, brethren. Step off with the left foot.” (Cries of ‘Sidney Arms!’, ‘Who’s buying?’, ‘It’s Wilson’s round!’ ‘Where’s Chelsea Dom?’ ‘Only one Grand Inquisitor! There’s only one Grand Inquisitor!’, ‘John King’s barmy army!’, ‘Two-tier Kier’, ‘Who’s the bastard in the black’, ‘E-L-F! E-L-F!’, ‘The Pranksters united will never be defeated’ continued ad nauseum).
Your Problems Solved by Madame Kelly: Dear Madame K, I am a senior gentleman who is in a bit of a pickle. I have been having trouble with my wossname for some time now, it just won’t do what it used to do, no matter how much my wife rubs it and the dog licks it. On top of that, my thingamajig aches like buggery and my whatchamacallits seem to have retracted. Please help. ‘HT’, Essex. MK replies: This is clearly a question for Gardener’s World so stop wasting my time and waste theirs instead. HT? GT more like, with a missing ‘I’. Gertcha.
Aug 8. The news in brief: Gal sparks fury by vetoing Christmas acoustic gig without even consulting band… Gonads boycott Hopper’s Hut as Paulaner crisis mounts… the new Dirty Metal Gonads release is “selling faster than any Gonads track since Federales”… Northeast fans vow “Gonads won’t retire without playing Jarrow”… and finally the Jolly Pranksters laugh off claims that they are the brains behind the riots in England.
Those stories in full: Gal reportedly turned down a Christmas acoustic show at the weekend. Organiser Millwall Nige told the blog, ‘These gigs have become something of a festive tradition for Gonads fans, and I was trying to organise one in southeast London for this year, but when I approached Gal Gonad about it on Sunday, he just said no. He didn’t even attempt to ask the band. I was shocked.” A grim-faced Miss Management said, “This is all part of the battle of wills between Gal and the rest of us. He needs to be reined in before the damage is permanent.”
The new Dirty Metal Gonads ep, Indus Road, is selling “like hotcakes after a fast”, according to Soitainly label mistress, Suzie McNeill who adds, “We haven’t seen sales like this since Federales in 2020. There is clearly a booming market out there for demented total noise.”
The Jolly Pranksters have denied ‘hysterical’ Daily Mail claims that they are masterminding England’s summer riot season. A spokesman for the secretive apolitical brotherhood (Effete El) tells us: “It’s total cobblers. If we were behind them, we would have hit Hampstead and Highgate. I’d look at the ELF if I were you.” The spokesman added that the Pranksters’ investigation into “the more serious business” of alleged infiltrations has concluded, adding “The results are expected to be announced tomorrow.”
Gonads fans in the northeast have sent us a petition calling for a final show in Tyne & Wear – “preferably Jarrow so we can walk home afterwards, pet”. A weary Miss Management says, “The band would very much like to play the northeast again, it’s only Gal who needs convincing, there is nothing I can do.” Blimey.
Finally, the Gonads’ boycott of the Hopper’s Hut is now official. A band spokesman (Fat Col) said, “They have had a Paulaner crisis all year. First the barrels were off, and then they brought in bottles but they lack fridge room which means they were all kept at room temperature. Serving lukewarm lager is an insult to the drinking class. The band have been using other locals but now are urgently seeking a new official ‘office’, and might even relocate to Chislehurst for whatever time they have left.” Double blimey.
Aug 7. Madame Kelly is getting so many of your problems sent to her that she is taking on a personal assistant. She warns that job comes with risks of humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse. A passing Fat Col asks, “So what’s the catch?”
Col has good reason to stay passing. An investigation into his crowd-funding campaign for the so-called Daphne Guinness ‘tribute statue’ uncovered a revealing break-down of costs in the small print. The Beast’s junior partner, legal eagle Rachel ‘Real Deal’ McBeal reveals: “There was no planned expenditure on bronze, stone or marble, the usual statue material; instead, his major costs were largely plastic and nylon. In other words, the ‘statue’ he plans to construct is essentially a life-size blow-up doll.” Col admits it but shrugs, “a bronze statue? What’s the point? What’s in it for me?” Oaf. ‘Real Deal’ McBeal has had the crowd-funding page pulled, and if the divine Daphne ever stumbles across this story, we can only apologise for Mr Gannon and his devious and diabolical scheme. If you want his address to send heavies round, Wattsie will happily provide it.
PS An unrepentant Col has now put a bid in for the Sinead O’Connor waxwork recently pulled from Dublin wax museum. Joseph, Mary and the little donkey! Hanging’s too good for him.
PPS. Madame Kelly is refusing to reveal the identities of the sleazy skiffle band whose problems she addressed yesterday. She tells us, “My clients are guaranteed strict anonymity. Besides they know who the fuck they are.” Quite.
Breaking non-news: Pete Townshend rings us to say there “could” be one more final Who album. Possibly. He doesn’t know for sure because he and Roger Daltrey “don’t converse”. The album, if it happens, would involve them “putting a small band together”; the sound would be stripped back and they won’t be using an orchestra “cos we’ve done that”.
Aug 6. Your emails for Madame Kelly are flooding in. Here are two of the latest: ‘Dear Madame, I work as an anonymous insider for a number of organisations. Recently, however my friends have started to call me ‘Thames Water’ because I leak so much. I find this very hurtful and so I’d like to ask, is this fair and what should I do about it? Anonymously yours, EE, The Blog.’ Madame Kelly replies ‘Yes Eric, it’s entirely fair and the answer is obvious – you need to learn to keep your big trap shut before someone gives you a dry slap. Nobody likes a grass.’
‘Band leader of Neasden’ writes: ‘I am the leader of an elderly north London skiffle band of some renown. For many years I have felt emotionally drawn to our singer, who has indicated she feels the same way about me but could not take our relationship any further because I am married. Obviously I respected her decision, but now I find that she has been secretly hooking up with our banjo-player, who is also married. They are trying to keep it hidden but the tell-tale signs are obvious. I am heart-broken. What should I do?’ MK: ‘My first instinct is to say ‘He’s obviously got a bigger knob, get over it’ but on reflection, given your situation, I would say brutal revenge is called for, so replace her with a singer 20 years younger and put bromide in the fuck-buddy’s tea. Or arsenic. Depends how angry you feel about it at the time.’ Bravo! Tune back for more of Madame Kelly’s eminently sensible advice soon.
Aug 5. Yesterday’s shock news sparked upset and disorder in the Gonads camp. Miss Management is working against the clock to find common ground and see off the threats of legal action. A furious Wattsie demanded to know what Gal actually wants from the band. According to our insider (a beach towel away from Fit Bird) he has five basic demands – an agreement that the Gonads, in some form, will “experience” the comedy circuit, the resurrection of flag girls, full unqualified support for his Ska project, the Days In Europa project to be limited to three overseas gigs a year, and Melbourne, Geneva and Tel Aviv to be added to the long-term wish-list. Our secret source (Effete El) whispers: “Those demands must be met in full if the band are going to survive into 2025; if not plugs will be pulled.”
Talk of pulling plugs, the Gonads online shop will close for good this month. So if you want to buy anything look lively.
Aug 4. Oh nay, nay and thrice nay! Two new threats have arisen that demand the world’s attention. Threat 1: Gal, unhappy with Friday night’s “stitch-up”, has recruited The Beast to challenge the vote in the high court. He has also instructed England’s sharpest solicitor-advocate to mount two major actions – one against Lord Waistrel over his claim to “own” the Gonads, and the other against Captain Oi over the label’s equally spurious claim to “own” the rights to the band’s early 80s catalogue. Rachel McBeal, the Beast’s high-powered deputy, tells us: “Gal is the only constant in the Gonads story, he formed and conceived the band, and therefore ownership and image rights reside with him. We shall argue that recording contracts – should they exist – which would have been signed more than four decades ago, are invalidated by the length of time that has passed, and by the complete absence of independent legal advice offered to the young and naïve band members. As to Friday’s vote, Rachel says “Major decisions over the band’s future cannot be decided by a quorum and must instead involve all key-players include Clyde Ward and Mark McMighty, and honorary Gonad John King, with full consultation with historic members, the Steves, Kent and Whale, and the leading personalities who inhabit the blog, including vital players such as The Nosher, the Yeti, Fat Col, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) etc”. Gal is also believed to have drafted in Assistant Comrade Manager (Retired) FB to put together a possible rival ‘Real Gonads’ line-up to “better represent the pure spirit of the band” should his legal actions fail. Blimey.
And while we were reeling from that bombshell, a second threat arises. Go-ahead film-maker, Mad Mickey Wharton tells us he is prepared to make a rival film to Curry On Up The Gonads if Waistrel doesn’t cut him in for a piece of the action. Wharton has been in talks with several of the band’s former stage operatives and says that he has enough scandalous filth to make Confessions Of A Gonads Flag Girl. The operatives include hot Scot Tracey van Doorn (aka Troosers Soon Doon) and early 80s Cockney skinbird Yvette aka Oi The Vet. It sounds like blackmail to us, but the mere mention of their names caused the colour to drain from Waistrel’s face... and that’s a lorra lorra red.
In other developments, early punks the Anabolic Steroids play the Iron Horse, Sidcup on Saturday week, and our Agony Aunt, Madame Kelly, has received a letter from a certain ‘C.G. of Plumstead’ asking: ‘Is it wrong to be significantly aroused by that picture of Wattsie running her fingers over the dildo that’s down her pants?’ She replies: ‘Yes, it’s extremely wrong you perverted piece of filth, it means you’ve got a screw loose and need ‘pegging’ with a breeze black; if you ever see me, fat boy, you’d better run cos I eat needle-dick vermin like you for breakfast’. (Harsh but fair. The mention of breakfast will probably stop Col running, so win-win – Ed).
In other news, Rebellion had to lock its doors yesterday. Was it really to keep rioters out of the Winter Gardens, or was it to keep punters in while round-dodger Spizz was on the literary stage?
Aug 3. So whither the Gonads? Last night’s booze-and-bhuna-fuelled planning meeting found the band facing a major fork in the road. Should they hang up their boots and retire as a live entity after the 6th December show, as Gal has been advocating, or should they boldly step off into the unknown? Alcoholic intake prevents us from saying, or indeed remembering, too much, but we can reveal that, by a split decision, the band decided: 1) To end touring altogether after this year, as previously announced. 2) And instead to launch a series of ‘guerrilla shows’ under the banner of ‘Days In Europa’, which will start in Hamburg next Spring, followed by Amsterdam, Dublin, Benidorm and Genoa. 3) To roll the format out beyond Europe in 2026, potentially to Saigon, Delhi, Tokyo, and Tijuana. 4) To immediately stop recording and releasing albums until we have secured a cast-iron deal with a trustworthy label. 5) To aim to publish the long-promised Gonads annual and/or photo-biography for Christmas 2025.
Our correspondent Fleet Scribbler writes: ‘Internet rumours that the debate became violent abounded – Phil McDonut was seen sporting a black eye, Paul SkaNad left the curryhouse on borrowed crutches, and a dazed JC was heard muttering “Gillingham” repeatedly – but Miss Management claimed these were pre-existing conditions. What she couldn’t deny is the fact that Gal Gonad plainly wanted to stop gigging altogether, but was out-maneuvered by the unlikely coupling of McDonut and a whisky-sippin’ Wattsie who forced through the Days In Europa curveball. The band were thrilled, but Gal looked beaten. betrayed and demoralised, which begs the question – will he actual turn up to the shows? At the moment there are no plans for the band to play the UK at all in 2025.’ He goes on, ‘It’s also interesting that the plans to develop an alternative act on the comedy circuit were not discussed. At one point Gal is thought to have tried to bring up the subject but was shouted down by JC and others. His biggest allies Clyde Ward and Mark McMighty couldn’t make the meet, so he was out-gunned and out-voted.’
In a further blow to Gal Gonad, Lord Waistrel has banned him from writing new songs after another cache of unheard anthems were discovered. Fit-Bird, Gal’s sunbathing PA, tells us that his Lordship hit the roof when he heard that six more compositions had been found at Nads HQ including a jaunty ditty about Charlton’s 1950s goalkeeping icon Sam Bartram and a punky celebration of Leeds United legend Peter Lorimer. “Waistrel dun his noble nut, dinne?” she tells us between sips of her Porn Star Martini. “He tore Gal off a strip and confiscated ’is acoustic guitar, so now ’e’s just writing short stories for that John King.” Shouldn’t he be writing the new Harry Tyler book, we ask? Yes, she replies. “But you try telling ’im that.”
We can report that despite Waistrel’s intervention, Gal is also secretly working on a follow-up to All The Loonstompers with certain “top Ska names”, which means he is writing or has written at least 80 new songs – enough for four, possibly five unreleased albums. But how can the recordings and releases be funded? Fit Bird tells us “Week after week ’e’s been praying for a big Lotto win to finance it all, and last night the Lord Almighty finally answered his prayers. Thunder roared, lightning flashed, the ’eavens opened and the all-seeing divinity told ’im, ‘Meet me ’alfway son, buy a fuckin’ ticket’.”
Here is a shot that suggests our roving field journalists – Carrie Griffiths, Millie Manders and Jenny Woo – stumbled across the ghost of the great Jim Bowen in Blackpool; either that or Steve Bruce is aging faster than we are… Expect a full Rebellion analysis from our Chief Investigative Reporter, John King (PPGB), in due course.
The Street Sounds review of our new DMG Indus Road EP calls it, ‘the rawest, nastiest racket since the Pink Fairies’, and likens it to ‘a yobbo MC5 with a bucket of Charger and a pinch of the Goons thrown in’. Nice.
As a service to our loyal readers, we have hired a new no-nonsense Agony Aunt called Madam Kelly. Send in your nagging personal problems and the whip-touting, mean-eyed Madam will deal with them directly in a manner she describes as “painfully honest”.
Aug 2. Out today! The brand-new, brain-bleedin’, shock-rockin’ three-track EP from our Dirty Metal Gonads spin-off: Dirty Metal Gonads 2. It’s the heaviest, punkiest, angriest shit you’ll hear all year and it’s streaming now on Apple Music: Spotify:
Deezer:
iTunes:
and Amazon.
Aug 1. News! Our pals the Lower Class Brats play the 100 Club on Monday, supported by Tear Up and Brigata Vendata…We’re lining up special guests for our final London show in December; the bill for the show, at the Dublin Castle on 6th December, features Jack The Lad and 16 Guns who come with the prestigious Chelsea Dom seal of approval. But who are the guests? Gal told the blog, “I’ve lost Mick Jagger’s number so it might have to be Adele…” What, again?
STOP PRESS. RIP jungle and drum & bass pioneer DJ Randall – “the godfather of breakbeat” – who has died at age 54. The DJ, real name Randall McNeil, started on the acid house scene of the 1980s.
