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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


The Gonads Website
Aug 30. Back quickly for some drama. We received a legal letter yesterday threatening action from a certain Andrew Shady (formerly of Sue, Grabbit & Run) on behalf of Fat Col who is said to be “traumatised” by the idea, floated on the blog, that he is as much use in bed as a perforated condom. Mr Shady says “put up the evidence or pay up”. Mercifully our own legal eagle the Beast was on the case and immediately got these testimonies from some of Col’s former lovers. His ex-wife Jeanette compares the amorous Col to “an eager walrus... fat and damp, with fishy breath and no sense of timing”. The Yeti said “he’s like the SAS, in and out so fast you don’t even notice”; while Sally Baggins, who works in Plumstead Co-op, testifies that shagging Col on Woolwich Common was “the biggest mistake of my life” and only happened “cos he slipped me a mandy and bought me port and lemon all night after a bingo win”. She remembers he “slobbered a lot” and “wept with gratitude... then he bought me a bag of chips so I let him do it again an’ didn’t feel a thing”. Over to you, Shady...

Sources close to Wattsie say that she would REFUSE to wed Fat Col even if you voted for it. She was immediately condemned by Club 77 as “selfish”, “aloof”, “anti-social” and “an anti-democrat”, to which Wattsie replied “just like Lord Waistrel then”. Which, although accurate, might well be interpreted as sedition...

Stinky Turner calls to ask how we will cope with social distancing at our November gig at the New Cross Inn. Gal replied that our gigs have always had an element of social distancing, adding “we’re the pioneers of it”.

Record noos: the Outsiders ten-track album These Streets is out now on Hostage Records, described by an expert as “street-smart punk with a double shot of dirty rock ’n’ roll”... we’ve heard the 40th anniversary Oi album and it’s ****in’ BLINDING!... Trash Knife have released new song, Ovary Concern... the Orgasm Guerrillas have asked Franky “Flame” Marshall (ex Woody Woodmansey & The U-Boats) to play additional synth on their debut album...and the biggest news of the week, Star Trek star William “Captain Kirk” Shatner has teamed up with guitar ledge Ritchie Blackmore to cover the blues classic The Thrill Is Gone. The song, popularised by BB King, will appear on Shatner’s forthcoming cover album, The Blues. Our insider says “Bill has worked with so many weird alien life-forms over the years that working with Ritchie was no big deal”.

Happy bOifday Lars Frederiksen, a pukka geezer.

Aug 29. A quick poll update. Voting results so far: You’re 100per cent in favour of us releasing a brand new studio album next year. Most of you want the new live album out too, but Clyde Ward argues that we should record and release a completely fresh gig and offer the mixed and mastered 2016 Islington show as a bonus disc.

Votes on a possible new Oi album series are around 80per cent in favour with just one in five of voters saying “only if the bands and tracks are good enough”.

A majority of you back a Nads Fest next summer, but some voters have said it “could only be a true Nads fest with the American Gonads on the bill” (these voters are all members of an obscure grouping known as the American Gonads).

You are 100 per cent behind Gal standing for Mayor of London one year, even if your responses are evenly split between reason a) and reason b).

And in a real shock result, 95per cent of voters want Wattsie and Fat Col to tie the knot! Senior data analyst Effete El comments: “From Wattsie’s point of view this is very bad polling (apt as with Colin she would be very badly poled). But there is still time to vote against this insane proposal. As a fellow prankster, I would say ‘Vote no – to save Col from himself’ Is a brief moment of bliss worth a life-time of grief and ear ache? He’d be kipping on the settee before the honeymoon is even over.” Keep voting, and watch the blog for the final verdict when we return next month. And then wait for Waistrel to ignore it. P.S. Effete El has now returned to the 1970s sitcom from whence he came.

Aug 23. This blog is off for a week or two. See you next month. But before we go, we would like to invite all of our faithful fans and loyal blog readers to answer this simple survey. This is a serious request and your votes will COUNT!

1) Should we release our new studio album next year? Answer: a) Yes please b) Sod off, you’ve amused us enough c) Yes, and release the new live album at the same time.

2) Should the Oi Organising Committee back Gal’s plan for a new series of Oi compilations starting in 2021? Answer: a) Yes, of course b) Only if the bands and tracks are good enough c) No, enough is enough; why mess with perfection?

3) If we put a Nads Fest together in South London next May, would you support it? a) Yes! b) Depends who is on the bill c) Nah, I’ll be washing my hair that night.

4) Should Gal stand for Mayor of London? Answer a) Yes. Power to the people! b) No. Don’t be daft c) Yes, we need more clowns in politics.

5) Should Fat Col and Wattsie get married? Answer: a) yes, if only to shut them up b) It’s entirely up to them c) yes, but only for the blog stories and priceless gossip such a doomed union would generate...

Send your answers to

STOP PRESS: here is a shocking close-up of Gal’s injury. Is it an insect bite... or is it Putin’s devious revenge for our public support for the Belarus rebels? Only an HBO documentary could decide...

The Gonads Website

The Gonads WebsiteAug 22. Random headlines: Gal hospitalised after unexpected swelling (True! – Ed)... Ken Casey has had to close McGreevy’s, the Irish pub and sports bar he owned in Boston, after Covid-19 kicked the bejesus out of the takings… the next issue of Vive Le Rock relives the heady days of 1979 and 80 when New Mod and 2-Tone were racing for glory... and The Aquabats!’s LP Kooky Spooky In Stereo is out now on vinyl from Gloopy Records. P.S. Fit Bird describes Gal’s swelling as “large, fierce, red and throbbing”. Halle Berry is not believed to have been the cause. More on this shocker when we have it.

Aug 21. This just in: there was jubilation in south London tonight as Lord Waistrel ruled that the Hoppers Hut incident was “an unfortunate misunderstanding” and completely cleared Paul SkaNad of the career-ending shame of a round-dodging conviction.

Waistrel was advised throughout the hearing by three sages (pictured) unfairly nicknamed ‘the three wise monkeys’ by the gutter press.
The Gonads Website Our court reporter, Misty Trial writes: ‘There was a hush as Mr SkaNad took the stand and was approached by prosecutor George Jeffries who flashed a vulpine smile. Jeffries began by saying, “Now Mr Mummery, I am sure you are an intelligent and honest man...” to which Paul instantly replied, “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath I’d say the same about you!” From that moment, he had the hearing eating out of his hand. A typical exchange went, Jeffries: “Was the round you put on the tab £35 or £70?” SkaNad: “35, like your IQ.” Then Judge Shed stood up and read out testimonies to Mr SkaNad’s “honourable and proven” round-buying record from everyone from Gal Gonad to the Meteors and Tiger Army via the Punk Rock Curry Club and Terence Hayes, DM, himself – and you don’t get higher endorsement than that. Delivering his verdict, His Lordship agreed that the incident was “almost certainly” a simple error rather than “a low, cunning Spizz-like swerve”. Waistrel issued Mr SkaNad with a verbal warning insisting that for his punishment he should buy “three pints of Paulaner” for the injured but anonymous bearded party to make amends for “his small misjudgement”. He then dismissed the round-dodging accusation as “a false charge fuelled by fake news”. Outside Mr SkaNad was met by a band of cheering brethen from the Jolly Pranksters (Plumstead Lodge) who carried him aloft on their shoulders to the nearest Prankster speakeasy hidden in the midst of Oxleas Wood where the so-called whyte wytches of Welling sacrificed a small goat in his honour.’ So mote it be.

PS. After the hearing, George Jefferies was seen hitting on one of the three wise monkeys. “Are you sexually active?” he asked. “No,” she replied. “I just sort of lie there.”

STOP PRESS: R.I.P. Frankie Banali of Quiet Riot who has lost his 16-month battle against pancreatic cancer.

*The Gonads have issued this official statement in response to recent claims: although we thank Chris Ruxley for his fine words, we do not consider ourselves in the vanguard of Oi. In our view, the Cockney Rejects were the true kings of streetpunk with bands like the Business, Blitz and the Resort as their princely disciples. We were proud to contribute to the compilation albums that helped keep the movement alive in Oi’s darkest days. We love England and the English people. We love our class. And we have a deep love for London-born youth cults, including Mod, punk, skinhead and suedehead that have flourished around the globe. But we are lovers not fighters, and we have no delusions of grandeur. As always, we do our thing and plough our own musical fallow. One class, one love, one vision. Cheers!

*Talking of love, a distraught Fat Col tells us he’s been “dropping hints like crazy” about his feelings “to the woman I love” and she hasn’t responded. He asks: “Should I do something more dramatic to get her attention?” Agony aunt Wattsie Watts replies: “If I’m any judge the poor woman understood exactly what you were trying to tell her so read her silence as a complete, on-going lack of interest and move on, no matter how painful it might be. In fact, the more painful the better.”

Here is Pete Way’s widow Jenny talking movingly about the lost rock legend.

Aug 20. A sensational day in court today as Judge Shed ripped Derby Ken apart in the witness box. Under his ferocious cross examination, Ken admitted that he had exaggerated the Hopper’s Hut incident “for comic effect”. Although Paul SkaNad had indeed off-loaded half the cost of his round on an anonymous unsuspecting bearded band member, Ken admitted the total cost was just £50 and not as he had previously claimed £100. Pushed to admit that he wasn’t even from Derby, a tearful Ken told an ashen-faced Lord Waistrel that “the bones of the case were still true” and that “a form of round-dodging had definitely occurred”. Tomorrow Paul SkaNad takes the stand. Gulp.

Aug 19. News from the great round-dodging inquiry which began in Plumstead today: as regular readers will know, our drummer Paul SkaNad was grassed up as a dodger by a man known as Derby Ken who detailed his lurid claims in a hand-written letter to Lord Waistrel. After some preliminary court room discussion, the prosecution case was put by George Jeffries, and was then briefly rebutted by the Beast who announced that he was bringing in top barrister (and Ska DJ) Judge Shed tomorrow to cross examine Derby Ken in the witness box. Our court reporter Misty Trial tells us “Things are not looking great for Paul. Waistrel detests round-dodgers. He has already sacked several musicians who tried it on, including the notorious Scoops – a Lee Wilson level dodger. We expect zero tolerance if SkaNad is found guilty.” Gulp.

The Gonads have officially contributed more tracks to Oi compilations than any other band, according to Captain Oi. We had a total of eight songs attributed to either the Gonads or Gary & The Gonads on the seven official Oi comps, plus one track as Sober Cyril & The Oi Oi All-Stars and one track as Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys – so ten all together. And that’s not including songs by our spin-off bands Prole (5) and the Orgasm Guerrillas (3). In comparison, The Business had four tracks on the comps and the Last Resort and Infa-Riot just three. Club 77 stalwart and punk archivist Chris Ruxley tells us: “More than any other band The Gonads embody the true spirit of Oi. You have a laugh and you have a say. You play brickwall punk, Ska and Cockney songs. You hate racism and injustice, you stand for working class values and working class unity. And while other bands disowned Oi, turning to synthesisers, hard rock or electro-pop, you never once turned your back on streetpunk.” Cheers Chris.

The Gonads WebsiteAug 18. The six CD Oi! – The Albums box set from Captain Oi will be released one month from today on September 18th, with the brand new 40th anniversary Oi compilation expected in October. This latter platter is a brick-wall beauty featuring terrific new songs from the biggest bands in Oi, including Sparrer, the Resort and Stomper... but not the Orgasm Guerrillas who have angrily denounced the comp for “blanking us completely”. Singer Emerson Anderson rants: “We were not even asked to record a track which is outrageous when you consider our contributions to the later Oi albums – classic numbers like Sing Something Swindle, Aloha and Frankie’s Gone To Pot spring to mind.” But the OG keyboardist Atticus ‘Tic’ Wokeman disagrees. “The Orgasm Guerrillas are not Oi in any sense anymore,” he tells us. “We started out as experimental pathetique punk, but we’re now fully PPR” (that’s progressive punk rock – Ed). Tic goes on: “Oi to my mind is fast, catchy working class punk, ideally served in two or three minute slices. Our songs are much longer, multi-tempo and feature a variety of synthesizers.” Gal, who compiled the new comp, was unavailable for comment on the raging controversy as, according to Fit Bird, he is “up to ’is arse in the new ’Arry Tyler book, inn’e?” Lord Waistrel was on hand however to denounce the Guerrillas’ omission as “regrettable”. His Lordship also branded Captain Oi’s decision to snub the seventh Oi comp, The Joys Of Oi! “a grievous affront”, “a foul perturbation” and “a cock-up worthy of Gavin Williamson”.

R.I.P. Colin McQuillan of Runnin’ Riot. Lost six years ago today but never forgotten.

Aug 17. Good news! Paul “Stalin” Hallam expects Gal’s book about the 1979 rock and metal revival to be published “by October or thereabouts” making it a whole year late! The odds of a 40th anniversary Oi book coming out this Christmas are thought to be roughly the same as alien first contact, any government Coronavirus policy making sense or bungling publisher Stalin answering the phone. “Christmas 2025 seems more likely,” says a cynical source. A second booklet of Gonads lyrics could theoretically be published in December but no decision has yet been made.

An important week for cheeky chap Paul SkaNad who faces an official investigation into the round-dodging allegations made by Derby Ken. His brief, The Beast, says the accusations are “ludicrous and laughable” adding that he is “confident” of acquittal. But Lord Waistrel has flown in to personally preside over the inquiry. The verdict is expected on Friday. Gulp.

While we’re here, some album noos: Anti-Nowhere League’s We Are...The League and The Business’s Welcome To The Real World are both available again on vinyl from Spain’s Daily Records...the Orgasm Guerrillas tell us their debut platter is “ready to record” but they are “holding back until the time is right” before signing to a label...we understand that the track listing for the 40th anniversary Oi compilation is now finalised; this morning any band who has not sent their song over has been dramatically axed from the comp.

Aug 16. In honour of the late Pete Way we reproduce a piece from Gal’s Sounds Of Glory Volume One about the time he, Pete and Micky Geggus performed as The Unidentified Cockney Gonads...

Here’s a slice of rock ’n’ roll history that few people know about. In 2005 Rebecca Pollard, who ran the UK punk and oi website was getting married in Leeds and, like any beautiful and discerning young woman would, she wanted my Gonads to play a huge part in her honeymoon night happiness. Unfortunately she just meant my band playing at the wedding reception. I guess we were the something old, borrowed and blue part of the deal. The problem was we were scattered all over the globe at the time. I didn’t want to let her down, but what could be done? I was telling Cockney Rejects guitarist Mick Geggus my dilemma over a few pints, when he had a flash of inspiration: why didn’t we ask UFO’s Pete Way if he fancied joining us as “The Unidentified Cockney Gonads!” It was a genius idea, a mini Gonads set with Mick, the greatest guitarist to come out of streetpunk, playing lead and living rock legend Pete on bass. I rang Pete and he was up for it. Well, it was gone breakfast time, and he’d had a few... And so it began. Mick and I engineered a ‘supergroup’ with Tony Van Frater from the Rejects on rhythm guitar and Scottish maniac Paul ‘RD’ Haslin (later MacGonad) from Waysted on drums. The whole weekend was the stuff of legend, not least because of the constant bombardment of classic Pete Way quotes. “Was Steve Marriott still alive when he played with you, Mick?” he asked, entirely seriously. “Can we get a few drinks on the Corporation, Gal?” was frequently heard too, Pete being a) obsessed with the Long Good Friday and b) convinced beyond all reason that the Gonads actually were kept afloat by the generous largesse of our manager, Lord Waistrel, who is a) renowned for his tightness and b) entirely fictional. Our Magical Mystery Tour began on 25th March, 2005. Although we were playing in Leeds, we’d decided to rehearse in Newcastle, 98 miles further North... Here is how my tour report read on the Gonads website:

10am. I pick up Mick in Canning Town, East London, and RD in Milton Keynes, and then drive across country to Birmingham to collect Pete Way who informs us that a friend had given him three grams of cocaine for the journey but sadly it had ‘evaporated’ in the 45 minutes he’d been waiting. “The wrapper kept talking to me,” he says. “It was calling out 'Pete, Pete snort me.’” Once in the hire van, Pete treats us to his thoughts on TV including the ugliness of Chris Evans, and the predominance of gay men on the small screen. “I’ve got nothing against homosexuals but what we need is a poof-free TV channel,” he says sagely. He then wonders how soon we can stop for some vagrant strength lager. “I have a newsagent’s where you can stand and have a drink in the morning,” he says. How early, I ask? “Oh I generally get in there for a couple at 8am,” Pete replies, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

IN a masterpiece of planning worthy of Mark Thatcher in the Sahara, we drive on to Sunderland via the Lake District! Doing 90 on the M6, surrounded by sheep and hills, Pete wonders if it would be possible to turn off and find an offie for some Special Brew, “Just to keep me topped up”. A firm “No” from all three of us silences the great man for at least a mile and a half, but we do make it up to him with a ten-pint night on the tiles in Sunderland where we’re joined by Sticks (ex-Upstarts and ex-Rejects drummer), Sticks’s dad, and Nobby (Rejects drummer). Over garlic pizza and bottles of spirits, the band’s alter-egos emerge with Mick as “Mong Senor”, Pete “the High Priest of Mong” and RD and Tony as “Cardinals of Mong”. Tone’s house is colonised. The High Priest sleeps on the settee to take early morning calls from his other half, the ravishing Rashida stranded in the USA. “She’s not black,” Pete tells us. “People think she’s black, but she’s actually from South America.” (Rashida is black, and beautiful, and actually from Columbus, Ohio; she’s also a little crazy, but in a different way from Pete. And unlike her husband, she can’t hold her drink which is perhaps why their marriage lasted only slightly longer than the Charlie did.)

THE next morning Tony’s mum Brenda knocks up a top quality full English fry-up that would do a transport caff proud and waves us off to Newcastle to rehearse. There are just a few problems. It’s well past eight, so Pete pops out twice for vast quantities of Tennent’s extra-strong lager (‘Scotland’s favourite pint!’) He consequently requires FOUR HOURS of rehearsals to learn the set. I lose my voice about 97 minutes in and end up hoarser than Ian Paisley after a ten hour rant. Mickey is well on top of the songs, though, and Tony and RD click immediately. Pete, being a bona-fide rock god, comes up with a blinding re-arrangement of England’s Glory. Everything is gelling brilliantly and it seems the world wants to know about it…

During rehearsals we take calls from retired gangster Dave Courtney in Miami who means to wish us well, but somehow “break a leg” doesn’t sound quite the same in a gruff Courtney growl. Phil Mogg from UFO phones too. “Don’t tell him I’ve had a beer,” Pete implores. “How pissed is he?” asks Phil. Then Joe Pasquale rings asking if we want to hear “a song that will get on yer nerves”. No thanks, I reply, we’ve got a set full of them. I get my column faxed through plus a spread I’ve written on Bobby Davro for the next day’s People newspaper. The headline ‘Bobby Davro’s Sheer Hell’ delights Pete, who reads out selected passages of Davro marital angst in unsympathetic hysterics. He then decides to rename the band Long Good Friday style. I become Harold Shand, Mick is Razors, Tony is Parky, RD is Charlie and Pete is Councillor Harris. Sadly there’s no Helen Mirren around to play Victoria – yet, but the day is young. Naturally all expenses are still “on the Corporation” – i.e. muggings.

We drive to Leeds and assemble pre-gig in the Ibis hotel, joined by a Gonads away ‘firm’ of Nobby, Stuart Black, Fat Col and “chief Renee”, Batttttty. Pete and Tony decide that my throat problems would be improved by brandies and blue Bols. Seven of them. Suitably medicated, I lead the band on stage at nine pm. Well I say “lead”, it’s more a disorientated stumble. Micky and Tony are on top form, RD is without doubt the finest inebriated drummer we’ve ever worked with, and my vocals are helped considerably by the Huddersfield Skins who, as is now traditional, knew the words better than I do. The half-hour set consisted of: Tucker’s Ruckers, Alconaut, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, Go Mad With The Gonads, a seven minute version of England’s Glory and UFO’s Doctor Doctor which we renamed Rebecca Pollard Please in honour of the stunning bride. Except by the end my voice is gruffer than a grizzly gargling gravel, so I dive into the crowd and stay there for the entire song in the crowd leaving vocal duties to RD. Naturally the bride ignores our pleas. As do the bridesmaids, the waitresses and the bar staff. We must have gone down well though because afterwards a peroxide blonde in a leopard skin top, a leather mini-skirt and torn black tights asks if I fancy doing a gram of Charlie with her as a thank you. Two skins behind shake their heads in warning so I make my excuses and go for a beer. One of the lads says, “You did the right thing, you don’t want to get webbed up with him.” Him? Fuck, how pissed am I?

Other memories of the gig are vague though it’s nice to meet Cucumber Girl (obviously a chef – your minds!). RD isn’t too impressed by the Clockwork Orange boys though. The cheery Scot, ahem, takes one look at a kid decked out in full droog regalia and snarls: “He should go straight out a tenth floor window, that cunt.” Back at the hotel, we team up with Menace’s Noel Martin and Steve Arrogant from Special Duties for the traditional all-night piss-up. Fat Col turns up late looking flustered. Where were you? we ask. “Having a blow-job and a toot with a bird at the wedding,” he beams proudly. Which bird? “Oh,” he says. “Peroxide blonde, leopard skin top, leather mini-skirts, torn black tights…” Col looks confused when we laugh but at that very moment, the shit-pot management start shutting the bar early (1.15am). Up jumps Pete Way who has a lifetime of experience with these kinds of problems and before we know it a fresh tray of lagers and generous shorts materialises. Everybody toasts his health. What a man, what a legend. We finally retire unhurt at 2am, our ears ringing with Way-lead quotes from The Long Good Friday: “The smells that have been coming up from the galley all morning have been driving me potty”…“I’m going into partnership with a German organisation, yeah, the Krauts... the hardest organisation since Hitler stuck a swastika on his jockstrap”…“The Mafia, I've shit ’em”, “Is there no decency in this wicked world?” and so on. Not exactly Led Zeppelin and the red snapper but it kept us smiling.

NOT so the bill the following morning, for I discover that Pete had put that entire last round “on the Corporation”. How nice of me. Things go further downhill when our hire van fails to start. When the AA man arrives he tells me he is surprised to see “a celebrity of your calibre stranded in a Leeds car park.” Indeed. Naturally this becomes Pete’s quote of the day. A further delay is caused by a ten minute detour to find a Spar for Pete’s breakfast beer. As we wait, the passing beauties of Leeds go down well with Haslin: “You’d lay on top of her until the council came about the smell,” he observes poetically. Mick wonders how the new Cockney Rejects book will go down with the Huddersfield contingent. Mick once battered a mouthy local, breaking his arm. Hours later he came back from Casualty and asked Mick to sign his plaster cast saying “I need a good leathering now and again.” Pete returns, with carrier bags jangling with cold cans, and declares the weekend “proper rock ’n’ roll.” And you can’t say fairer than that.

Pete left UFO in 2011 amid claims that his indulgences had got too much to bear. The Cockney Rejects rock on. Since Leeds, Mick has played guitar on a couple of our tracks, I co-wrote quite a lot of our Live Free, Die Free double album with Tony Van Frater, and former Gonad Clyde Ward ended up producing the Rejects Unforgiven album (and losing it). Oh and Paul Haslin joined the Gonads full-time but left under a cloud after decking some bloke in the audience in Germany for “looking at him in a funny way”. I don’t know what possessed him, probably a poltergeist, but long may the madness continue...

The Gonads WebsiteAug 15. Can anyone help us solve the mystery of Pittsburgh? Here is an advert for a gig we are supposed to have played at Gooski’s bar in the Pennsylvanian city way back in July 1997. As you can see we were supported by Oi band the Traditionals and a local hardcore band called Killer Of Sheep.

Here’s the problem: neither Gal nor Clyde can remember ever being asked to play here, let alone actually turning up and gigging. In fact Gal swears blind that he has never been to Pittsburgh in his life. In fact, as far as we can discover the Gonads have never played Pennsylvania at all; and our first ever US show was in Newark in January 1998, six whole months later. So here’s a question for the punk and Oi faithful of Steel City: were you at this gig, and if so did a band claiming to be the Gonads play? Or indeed was Gal actually there, and too off his face to remember? (Stranger things happen most Fridays). Let us know. We’d really like to clear up this puzzle.

Aug 14. STOP PRESS. R.I.P. Pete Way of UFO and Waysted, our great pal and one of the authentic rock ’n’ roll giants. Full obituary to follow.

“Proud Gonads fan and blog addict” Paula Wright asks what art inspires us. Well we can reveal that Gonads HQ is lined with reproductions of works by Dali, Lichtenstein, Alteau Salvation and Curt Vile. Waistrel Towers is tastefully adorned with pictures by 19th Century battle artist Elizabeth Thompson, aka Lady Butler. And as for Wattsie, Fat Col is still eagerly waiting to see her Whistler.

NOOS: The Damned will release new EP The Rockfield Files on October 16 via Search And Destroy/Spinefarm... Elvis Costello has just brought out another new song, We Are All Cowards Now, ahead of his next album Hey Clockface which is scheduled for an October 30th release by Concord Records...

Aug 13. A new problem has arisen for the Jolly Pranksters – the apolitical brotherhood has been infiltrated by militants from the English Liberation Front (ELF), anarchist entryists who dub themselves “the Swingers”. One senior prankster who asked to remain anonymous (Effete El), tells us: “I went to one of the so-called Swingers secret meetings. There were no women present and there wasn’t even a fruit bowl for our keys. All we got was a fiery speech from a red-faced fellow who told us, and I quote: ‘The blood of the Angles and Saxons and Jutes and Celts run through our veins, the soldiers of the English Revolution walk beside us, the road to liberation rises up to meet us – we will never surrender!’.” We explain gently that these Swingers take their name from Captain Swing rather than suburban sex japes. Our anonymous source (still El) replied that he hadn’t been so disappointed “since I went on a ‘see-everything Dogger daytrip’ with Wattsie Watts and ended up in a fishing trawler off Dogger Bank.”

April 12. The sane and rational Sandie West (Hollywood pest) tells the world: ‘I have been the yoga instructor for astronauts training in the desert and teaching some chakra breathing exercises.’ Her insights and mantras will soon be available in a book which, she says, ‘will help everyone to hone in and be happy’. Yeah, yeah. It’d make us happy if she put a sock in it and handed over the live footage from our last US tour.

Aug 11. Nads ad: 101 year old man seeks rigid throbber. Can you help? Contact His Lordship, Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead.

Aug 10. Wattsie Watts calls to correct yesterday’s picture caption. Rather than covering his gob for health reasons, she claims Gal is actually reacting in shock to the sight of Lee Wilson almost buying a round...

STOP PRESS: R.I.P. Martin Birch who died yesterday aged 71. Martin produced albums for Iron Maiden, Deep Purple, Rainbow and many more. Steve Harris tells us: “Martin wasn’t just a producer, he was a hands-on engineer too, so he knew how to get a great sound. He was also fantastic at motivating people; he just had a knack of getting the best out of you. He was also a really nice man, great fun with a terrific sense of humour and that made him easy to work with. We all got along with him really well and the whole band is very saddened by today’s news.”

The Gonads WebsiteAug 9. As our picture shows, in the days before facemasks, Gal had to improvise to protect fans from his many viruses and infections...

NADS ads: For sale! Fat Col’s all-purpose turd polisher. Brighten up any old shit with this miracle aerosol spray. Particularly effective on Infa-Riot albums. Yours for just £30 a can. Order direct from Turd World Enterprises, Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead.

Urgent Prankster Alert: Brethren are instructed not to cooperate with investigative newshound Russell Spam who is believed to be writing an explosive exposé about the secretive brotherhood and its proud history. According to Old Eric, a high-ranking East Sussex WM, Spam is “a fanatic and a fantasist” who believes “that the Jolly Pranksters were responsible for the Brexit vote, Boris Johnson’s election, Trump, 5G, Goth and – most damning of all – the career of Keith Lemon”. He is also thought to believe that senior pranksters such as Terence Hayes (DM), and Effete El (IPM), are “leprechauns in human form, sprites and pixies, not of woman born”. Brethren are warned that anyone who cooperates with “this pernicious project” risks “immediate expulsion”. So mote it be.

The Pranksters face a threat from a different source however. A hardcore purist grouping known as “i giullari ridenti” (the laughing jesters) based in an Italian brasserie in Penketh have condemned Grand Lodge for become “risk adverse and staid”. They are planning their own weekender which they promise will be “a riot of comic surrealism, anarchy, proper pathetique punk and angry satire”. Tickets are said to be “as rare as a Randale Records royalty statement”.

NOOS FLASH: Neville Staple’s From The Specials play the New Cross Inn on Saturday, 17th October.

Aug 8. The mild accusation of round-dodging, floated half in jest last weekend, has escalated into a major scandal after an eye-witness contacted Lord Waistrel directly. The witness (believed to have been Derby Ken) wrote to his Lordship claiming: “I was in the Hoppers Hut on Friday when a loud group of rowdies claiming to be the Gonads colonised an entire corner of the establishment. One member, who shall remain anonymous, swept into the pub with drumsticks in his pocket and generously bought drinks for the everyone in there. However when the bill came to be settled he craftily told the barman to ‘just split it’ with another tab – one belonging to another band member who I won’t name but who had a bushy beard and whose own tab had been for just three drinks. Imagine the shock to his or her system when this innocent bearded band member was presented with a £50 bill, while the mystery man with the drumsticks having paid ‘his half’ was conveniently in the khazi giggling...” Indeed. An ashen-faced Waistrel has quite rightly ordered a full enquiry but is the black cap of expulsion really on stand-by?

In other NOOS: fuck all is happening, and fuck all will continue to happen for some fucking time.

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Aug 7. Happy birthday Pete Way. Most of Pete turned 69 today. His liver is 156.

Rumours and whispers: Gal and Clyde are up to something and it involves Gal learning Portuguese... Terence Hayes, PM, is up to something and it involves a three track solo EP “half-written, boldly forward-looking and unflinchingly politically incorrect”... Toots Hibbert is up to something and it involves Ziggy Marley and Ringo Starr! Their new version of Three Little Birds is out now, and Toots & The Maytals’ first new studio album for yonky-donks follows on 28th August.

NADS ad: having trouble sleeping? Try our new wonder drug, the MogaDom, an incredible talking tranquilizer which comes with a variety of Ted-style lectures (mostly involving Cock Sparrer or Chelsea FC) which are guaranteed to knock you out cold in three minutes flat. Available for just £20 a tab, from Shit-Drugs-R-Us, The Bush at the back of the Library, Bromley. (Govt warning: chronic use can lead to dependency... and transvestism).

Aug 3. Here is an unusual picture of Gal Gonad composing a new song, on a 12-string acoustic guitar(!), on Saturday. Observers say that such a number could not possibly be a Gonads ditty and suggest that Gal is probably perfecting the new Orgasm Guerrillas track Tear Down The Mirage. However insiders claim that he was actually working on Just Split The Bill (Round-dodger #2), “a tragic lament inspired by an unfortunate incident on Friday night”...

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Aug 1. Here are a couple more shots from last night, when we selflessly tried to kick-start the lockdown economy with beer, cider and curry purchases... as you can see we were at one point haunted by the tiny, shrinking spirit of Wattsie Watts...

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Fat Col says he intends to run for political office on a Male Rights ticket using the slogan “Make masculinity sexy again”. He has issued an apology “to all the women I have offended or upset”. Peeling an onion and choking back a tear, he added: “I have learned from my mistakes and I am pretty sure that I can repeat them.”

Random noos: the Stooges release a historic live recording Live At Goose Lake: August 8, 1970 next week via Third Man Records... Sick Of It All fans with cash to spare can once again snap up the special edition of When The Smoke Clears in a package that includes a 10inch with five new tracks, and a luxurious 60page art book full of rare pictures, iconic shots and liner notes from the likes of Matt Kelly (Dropkick Murphys), Davey Havok (AFI), Dennis Lyxzen (Refused), Chuck Ragan (Hot Water Music) and Arthur Smilios (Gorilla Biscuits). First released in 2016, it comes with a CD version from Germany’s Century Media Records.

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