Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
April 24. Here are some semi-sober shots from yesterday’s St George’s Day celebrations. You will recognise the boats... make up yer own captions at will.
Shock news #1. Steve Kent has revealed that a second batch of songs were recorded during the 1985 Oral sessions. After the black leather clad trio split, the vocals on these left-over numbers were re-recorded by Micky Fitz and released under the band name of U.K. (A short-lived Business spin-off project, not to be confused with the prog rock outfit with the same moniker who split up five years earlier.) If anyone has any info on this second mini-LP please get in touch.
Shock news #2: Fat Col has gone rogue! Our most loyal fan last night denounced Lord Waistrel as “barking mad” over his plans to release the Dirty Metal Gonads comp. Instead Col has half-inched the masters of our un-released live album, Pure Punk For Row People, and has vowed to get it pressed up as an unofficial bootleg in what he calls “the spirit of true Gonadery”. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) has been dispatched to track Gannon down and terminate his nonsense with extreme prejudice. But that’s not all. In dramatic (some might say drunken) scenes in the Swan last night Col also denounced Wattsie Watts! With tears in his eyes Col told anyone who’d listen “Wattsie is officially off my wish list for good! She has broken my heart in 17 places, including Charlton Lido” (Eh? – Ed). He went on: “I wouldn’t sleep with that woman now if she turned up at my door in a hot, tight cat-suit or a jaunty black Brigitte Bardot ‘Elen’ retro miniskirt with white stockings, six inch heels and... oh hang on... maybe it’s best not to be too hasty...” Oaf! However as that scenario is extremely unlikely to happen please be aware that Colin Gannon is now officially at large. Or more accurately at XXXL. Women everywhere should be on the look-out for a very needy fat man.
April 22. Lord Waistrel, on a whistle stop tour of Europe, made an unexpected visit to Nads HQ earlier today and in his usual high-handed autocratic manner he told us (there was no debate) that our rock and metal comp DIRTY METAL GONADS would be released as a download album in July. We asked for details but he dismissed us with an imperious wave of his hand and set off with Si Spanner on a hunt for “dear Monica and those rough diamond Oral girls”. More news when we have it.
Please note: this blog will be closed tomorrow for the St George’s Day celebrations and will return as soon as we sober up. So see you in May, probably...
The Gonads – “A great lusty raspberry of creative excess!”
April 21. They thought it would never happen, but here finally just four months late was the old firm’s Christmas drink – Gal, Micky Geggus, Hoxton Tom and the PM, out on the lash near Tower Hill, East London last night. What stories were told! What memories were reignited! (These are questions by the way, we have no idea; not after 17 pints of Sessions...)
The great Oral story is fishier than Donald Trump’s fingers (allegedly) and yet it continues to run and run. Our own field researcher Fat Col (for it was he) contacted the Legal Affairs guy at Cherry Red Records who yesterday confirmed that they now own the masters for Oral’s mini-LP Sex as part of the purchase of Link Records & Music (after Link acquired the rights from Conquest Records). The producers of Sex are listed as Brian Bonklonk – the pseudonym of Dodgy Dave Long, clearing up the Laing/Ling/Long conundrum – and Ron Rouman, a close associate of Fatty Lol, who also produced records by The Business, us and SLF along with Motorhead’s album Live 1983. The biggest surprise is that Oral’s manager “Si Kelly” turns out to have been Si Spanner, aka Sex Shop Si, a long-time Gonads co-conspirator and former member. We have emailed PR succubus Jenny Torrid (now Mrs Pete Way) who we suspect handled the girls’ publicity at the time for more info, and we’re still trying to establish any venues where Oral played live and why they split. We are also appealing urgently for Monica to get in touch... just for old time’s sake. We shall continue to dig but one thing is sure, Oral Sex is one of the most significant cult metal albums of the whole NWoBHM era, with links to Motorhead and Tank (Mark Brabbs probably played most of the drum parts on the record). And of course to us. The whiff of errant Gonadery is all over this lethal LP like a rash. Yet Gal, who has been accused of masterminding the whole project, remembers none of it whatsoever. (There is a medical term for his condition. It is called PM-itis.) Anyhow, for the record, here are the full details for the 1985 release – Recording Engineer: Ralph Jezzard. Produced by: Ron Rouman and Brian Bonklonk. Recorded at Syndicate Mansions, London. Mixed at Wickham Studios, Croydon. Tracks - Head (Bushell/Kent). Love Pole (Bushell/Kent). Gas Masks, Vicars And Priests (Bushell/Kent). Black Leather (Cook/Jones). Pearl Necklace (Bushell/Kent). I Need Discipline (Bushell/Kent). Obviously, as Ms. Wattsie points out, the product of seriously sick minds. It’s all highly disturbing.
Women! Do your bit! Enlist as a Gonads flag girl today and help keep traditional sexism alive! Lord Waistrel writes: Being a flag girl is one of the highest achievements any modern woman could aim for. Unfettered by excess clothing and holding aloft the cross of St Geo...(Stop this now – Wattsie Watts) (Sorry – The Gonads).
Advance notice 1: Pranksters! Your St George’s Day gathering is in that Mildmay place. See your Tyler for details.
Advance notice 2: the New Untouchables will stage their traditional BUCKINGHAM PALACE SCOOTER RUN over the May Bank Holiday. Scooterists meet at Carnaby Street where by early Sunday afternoon the whole street is full of Lambrettas and Vespas. The route to Buck House takes the head-turning scooter boys through many of London’s tourist hot spots and shopping street. After giving Her Maj their free salute, the lads drive on for theif alldayer at The Strongrooms in Shoreditch where there is FREE entertainment including THE PACERS & LITTLE TRIGGERS live + DJs Rob Bailey, Francois Nordman Martin Morgan, Vinny Baker & Jack Gasden. There’s also the expected scooter competition and sumptuous grub available all day from the BBQ. The all-dayer starts at 3pm and entry is free.
April 20. Oh for the love of Pete! The Oral affair has taken an even more bizarre twist. It appears that the band’s songs WERE written by Gal in collusion with Steve Kent – the evidence is on the MCPS database which lists the pair as the writers. Gal insists “hand on heart” that he has no memory of it whatsoever, but then he was drinking like a Pogue in the mid-80s. Effete El isn’t surprised. “With titles like Pearl Necklace, Love Pole and Head these songs were unlikely to have been written by Morrissey or the Gang Of Four,” he sniffs, adding: “They could only have been written by the Gonads or Judge Dread.” None of us are any the wiser as to how it all came together, but we have been contacted by a woman in Melbourne who claims that “Oral nights are all the rage” in her part of Australia. For all possible punch-lines see Fat Col...
April 19. Elizabeth Evans (intrepid investigator) tells us more about the Oral phenomenon. She writes: ‘I am a metal-head and that album is considered a classic within the community now. People post their songs all the time, girls dress like them, people post the album in their ‘what I’m listening to’ lists. It’s just odd to me that no one knows anything about them or who they are, or what happened to them. I have some small labels interested in re-issuing the vinyl but as we have learned no one knows a damn thing about them! There are few mysteries in the heavy metal community and no one wants to do the work to figure this out.’ No-one except Beth herself. We have asked around on her behalf and it hasn’t helped. Malcolm Dome tells us that Dave Laing wrote about Oral in Kerrang, someone else reckons rock writer Dave Ling might have covered them and yet another informant claims Dodgy Dave Long, the former manager of Splodgenessabounds, had something to do with it. More news if and when we have it.
April 18. The Oral story has taken an extraordinary twist – with Gal in the firing line! Intrepid researcher Elizabeth Evans tells us that someone connected to the near-legendary all-woman heavy metal trio has told her that Gal was “close” to Monica Ramone and that he “wrote songs with her”. She has also been told that 1) Monica played a stripper in ITV’s Minder and 2) Gal and Fatty Lol were with the threesome for the raunchy photo session on Brighton beach “when the cops were called”. Beth also says she has tracked down Oral’s producer Ralph Jezzard who has informed her that the women are singing on the recordings but the music had already been done when he was brought in to record the vocals. This gets more mysterious with each passing day. “Spill the beans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she demands. But Gal is issuing a full denial. He is adamant that he did not write with Monica, was not involved with the Oral project and was not on the beach for the steamy picture session. He tells us: “The only bands I was working with in 1985 were The Blood and Stiletto Sex. I have done many a wind-up in my time, the finest being Bert & Col, but I did not mastermind Oral. Someone is trying to frame me.” We ask how “close” he was to Monica and the line goes dead. A true gent, you see...
The Damned have just released a promo vid for ‘Look Left’, a track from their new Tony Visconti produced album Evil Spirits which came out last Friday ... in other news, country sensation Leah McCaffrey is set to finally release her debut single in June... Wonk Unit’s new album Terror comes out this Friday via Plasterer Records... Billie Joe Armstrong’s new band The Longshot have brought out an ep called, surprisingly enough, The Longshot ep... US ska punks the Hub City Stompers release their sixth full length album, Haters Dozen this week... and far Left late 70s band Crisis will release a new limited edition live album called Paris '18. Bassist Tony Wakeford on bass is the only original member. (Don’t mention Death In June, that went a bit wobbly).
April 17. Great news! The next issue of Street Sounds is due out next month. US stand-up comic Shayna Ross – rightly dubbed “The Punk Rock Joan Rivers” – is the cover star. SS#18 also features Christine Sugary Staple, Rancid, Paul Weller, Louise Distras, Bad Religion, Territories, Grade 2, Roy Ellis, Monkish and the East End Badoes along with articles on working class poets, Paul Hallam’s Mod photos, the politics of Sci-Fi and the extraordinary King Gizzard & The Wizard Lizard. The third Street Sounds annual is scheduled for publication soon come, too.
April 16. An intrepid investigator called Elizabeth Evans is hard on the trail of all-female heavy metal band Oral for the Cvlt Nation website. Much mystery surrounds the hard-rockin’ trio who released the six-track 12inch e.p. Sex (Oral Sex, geddit? We wish we did...) in 1985 and were hailed as “the next Girlschool” by Kerrang.
According to Beth, the legend of Oral is gaining ground in underground metal circles and a bootleg CD of the record is circulating. She has been on to us, naturally, as the world’s finest purveyors of rock ’n’ roll vérité, and also Fatty Lol and Ron Rouman who may have had something to do with them.
This is all we know about the so-called Totty Rockers: there were originally four of them, ex-Penthouse model Monica on guitar, Bev who was 15 on vocals, bassist Candy who quit before the 12” came out, and drummer Dee who wasn’t ever pictured, creating rumours that Dee was a he. Possibly Ralph Jezzard, their producer, who also played bass for Blood & Roses (and later produced EMF’s ‘Unbelievable’). Some speculate that Lemmy taught Monica how to play guitar (among other things). The women were based in Brighton, although Bev hailed from Bermondsey. They came along at the tail end of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal and were heavily into black leather, bullet belts, whips and peroxide. Their best song was ‘Love Pole’ and they were Fat Col’s all-time favourite band (after us). Maybe it’s time for a revival...
Will Gal ever recover from the US tour? The poor old sod has been referred to a Harley Street back specialist to treat the constant pain he has been in ever since last November. The trip, which is looking increasingly like our swansong, left him with a nerve injury to his finger and he has also been diagnosed with Achilles tendonitis for his swollen heel. An angry Fit Bird tells us: “99% of Gal’s ’ealth problems were caused by Sandie West’s dodgy accommodation. She promised him and Clyde a ‘luxury air b’n’b apartment’ - we’ve got that in writing - not a flamin’ blow-up bed of agony in the lobby of her spa with strangers traipsing in and out at will and ’er going through ’is luggage. It’s shocking, it is. The Beast reckons we’ve got grounds to sue. Gal’s too easy-going but the band may seek legal advice from some ambulance-chasing LA loon-bucket on ’is be’alf. After all we suffer too, from ’is constant bleedin’ moaning. Also the fans suffer coz Gal won’t ever be able to tear around a stage jumping from the PA stack like Bruce Dickinson on speed again.” (You’ve not seen us live have you? - Ed).
April 15. Last night’s 100 Club gig was an absolute triumph for headliners The East End Badoes, writes our girl in the crowd Sandra Lane. More than 200 Oi fans attended the night with the Badoes supported by the Violators, Knock Off and Geoffrey Oi!Cott. The Badoes played their entire new album A Punk Rock Sound With An East End Beat and were on stage for about 75 minutes to the delight of most people but NOT the Bitch who seethed: “The set was half an hour too long, full of songs the crowd did not know - whose stupid decision was that? They should have mixed the best of the new stuff with more old favourites. Numbers like ‘Billy Bullshit’ are piss-poor padding and should never be played again - live or at all.’ The bad-tempered Bitch went on: “Bands need to learn that less is often more. The Ramones only played half an hour sets at the start and that was perfect.” He/she added: “Five minutes of David Byrne or U-fuckin-2 is 4 minutes 55 seconds too much.”
Record Noos: Just out, the Adolescents’ The Complete Demos 1980-1986 on coloured vinyl from Frontier Records, which was also home of the band’s legendary debut The Blue Album. 14 of these tracks have never been released before, including the studio recording ‘Richard Hung Himself’ which was originally recorded for the Welcome To Reality EP. The LP includes digital download... also just reissued is the Sloppy Seconds’ debut ep, The First Seven Inches... And Then Some! It was released in 1987 as ‘The First Seven Inches’ on the band's own Alternative Testicles label and then re-released by Taang! Records five years later with the title ‘The First Seven Inches... And Then Some!’ and 10 bonus tracks of various B-sides and outtakes from the band's first two albums and prior. Taang have brought it out again on coloured vinyl.
April 13. Linda Isaacs, the widow of genuine reggae legend Gregory Isaacs, has rush-released the great man’s song Stop! as a protest against the growing problem of drugs, crime and killings among inner city youth. The Cool Ruler originally recorded the song as Smokey Head for his 1990 album Call Me Collect. He later re-titled it Stop What You Doing, but now the Gregory Isaacs Foundation have put it out as the less grammatically confusing Stop. More details to come in a bit.
Here is the new Louise Distras song Land Of Dope & Glory. It’s the first taste of her much anticipated second album.
April 11. Liverpool calling. Richie Rocker contacts us in a fury about the vain antics and elitist posing of Jess Conrad on ITV’s Last Laugh In Vegas. “Conrad going on about lack of class?” fumes Richie. “The last time I saw him was in The Great Rock n Roll Swindle sitting in a cinema while Steve Jones gave Mary Millington a portion behind him! Very classy!” Indeed. Conrad, whose single This Pullover is rightly regarded as the world’s worst ever 45 release, also played Prince Charming (Surely Charmless? - Ed) in Jim Davidson’s 1995 adult panto Sinderella and its successor Sinderella Comes Again. These cinematic classics featured the much missed Kent comedian and Gonads fan Dave Lee as an ugly sister and the late, great Charlie Drake as Baron Hardon (R.I.P. both.)
April 10. FFS! Rock god Tony Iommi rings the Nads HQ bat-phone just as we’re trying to watch The Chase. Normally we’d ignore it, but as it’s Tone we take the call. Turns out Sabbath are releasing a new vinyl box set showcasing all of their 1970s singles and they need to get the word out on Britain’s most cutting edge blog. Called Supersonic Years - The Seventies Singles Box Set, the 10-disc collection will be released on 8th June via BMG, two days before Oz headlines Download. The ten 7-inchers are - Disc 1: Evil Woman/Wicked World. Disc 2: Paranoid/The Wizard. Disc 3: Iron Man (Single Edit)/Electric Funeral. Disc 4: Tomorrow’s Dream/Laguna Sunrise. Disc 5: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (Edited Version)/Changes. Disc 6: Am I Going Insane (Radio) (Single Edit) /Hole In The Sky. Disc 7: Gypsy/She’s Gone. Disc 8: It’s Alright/Rock ’n’ Roll Doctor. Never Say Die/She’s Gone. Disc 10: Hard Rock (Single Edit)/Symptom Of The Universe (German Single Edit... Each single includes rare or exclusive colour sleeves. There are also five rare edits of Iron Man, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Am I Going Insane (Radio), Hard Road and Symptom Of The Universe, alongside new liner notes detailing all the rarities inside.
April 9. Si Spanner (West Ham & Bar) has just sent us this picture of an extremely rare Gonads t-shirt. Produced in 1982, at the height of the Falklands Conflict, the simple black & white dicky bears the legend: ‘The Gonads - Oi! The Falklands’ with a smaller speech bubble warning: ‘Watch out Argies, here come the Gonads’. This was not an official shirt and, so many years later, none of us have a Scooby who actually made it. Theories include Nads fans in the armed forces, either from 2nd Battalion Parachute Regiment (2 Para) or 3 Commando Brigade Royal Marines, who were actually engaged in clearing Galtieri’s fascist junta off the islands. Others claim it was produced by the ICF, or Nutty Butty, or Charlton’s B Mob. We simply don’t know. We present it to you as a matter of historical record and national interest.
We are proud to have many fans who are either in the services or are ex-military. We attempted to set up gigs for British forces overseas through the official channels about six years ago but the word came back that the Combined Services Entertainment felt we weren’t PC enough. Odd that songs like England’s Glory and Infected and the presence of Gonads flag girls were considered more politically incorrect than actually shooting people but there you go. Chaps if you ever want a band who hit a bit harder than James Blunt get in touch. We’re always up for it.
April 8. As foolishly promised, this blog can now finally reveal the awful truth about last weekend’s Jolly Pranksters’ grand Eostre (Easter) rally. Our sources report that the three day event was “the most bizarre ever seen” in the Pranksters’ long and illustrious history and “a diplomatic disaster”. It took place in a country house near Lenham in Kent, five miles to the east of Maidstone. Our insider, Effete El, who has asked to remain anonymous, tells us: “The first two days were blinding. The festive boards were splendid, the bands were great - especially Pink Fluid, the world’s first underwater Pink Floyd tribute act. We had good DJs, a top-notch comedian in Dirty Rob, a fantastic scooter rally and the tug-of-war grudge match was intense.” He goes on: “All the entertainment went well, apart from Fat Col’s spot on the stable stage. Col was scheduled to end Saturday night with his Olde Tyme Music Hall Hour. He came on looking very cocky because the sex tape scandal had not yet broken, but the show was appalling. It just him with a ukulele singing karaoke versions of old Cockney favourites like ‘The Rat-catcher’s Daughter’ and ‘Knocked ’Em Down The Old Kent Road’. Col was bottled off before he’d even reached the second chorus of the third song, ‘All Me Life I Wanted To Be a Barrer Boy’, which left a distinctly unpleasant atmosphere hanging over Saturday night. As did Gannon’s remarkable flatulence.”
Still anonymous, Effete El continues: “But the real shock came on Sunday. Even seasoned brethren were horrified by the closing address which was delivered by the OB (Old Bastard) himself. It started well enough. The OB called for the brotherhood to commit fully to the battle for English liberation, saying ‘The true heart of England still beats strongly’. But then his remarks became increasingly bizarre. Wobbling and slurring slightly, as if he had partaken rather too fully of the PM’s vat of fine red wine, the OB demanded that the brethren campaign to RESTORE the six unused letters of the English alphabet, RESURRECT the Hillman Hunter and RECLAIM northern France, southern Ireland and the Americas for ‘the empire’.” Mistaking the audience’s uneasy silence for agreement, he then called on all Pranksters to be forced to travel to and from lodge meetings on penny-farthing bicycles!” (Finally some sense - Ed). “It was really quite bizarre. He also urged the brotherhood to take on billionaire pioneer Elon Musk in a new space race and ‘claim Mars for old Albion’. Some minutes later, after a nasty coughing fit, the OB started to ramble on about Lord Wastrel keeping his fortune ‘in gold bars on the bed of San Pedro river in Chile’. That indiscretion proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Wastrel’s chums, Lord Rockingham, Lord Woodbine and Sir Pomeroy Burton intervened forcefully to great cheers from the brethren and the OB was carted off stage in disgrace. Our goatee-bearded guest of honour, Mr Wu Wen Ming of the Chinese ‘Fellows of the Laughing Mouth’, found the whole spectacle dishonourable and as a terrible consequence our Beijing weekender is now officially cancelled. So I suppose it’ll be Clacton again this July and I fucking hate that dump.” Finally El tells us, completely off the record, that “There will be an official inquiry and the OB is expected to be suspended by the wrists in Madame Fifi’s Perfumed Parlour of Pleasure & Pain for some weeks. It was a perturbing and disturbing end to what had been an otherwise splendid weekend.” Quite.
*We have been called upon to apologise to Garry Johnson for our recent comments about his song ‘If Looks Could Kill’ by no less an authority than Professor Maurice Plum. The celebrated Marxist musical historian tells us that Gal J’s gruesome ditty is actually “the ultimate pathetique punk single, worse, I mean better even than your own version of ‘Delilah’.” He goes on: “In terms of pathetique perfection only ‘Duelling Badoes’ on Live Free Die Free comes close to it.” Well that's us told.
*Our errant road manager FB has turned to the Royal Shakespeare Company to give our resident monster The Franken-Skin the stage production he deserves. In turn the RSC have put him in touch with the playwright David Edgar, suggesting that he is the right man to stage a theatrical version of the Franken-Skin saga; one that is “all foggy streets, moist gussets and terrifying fiends.” Edgar apparently will “add a crucial element of moral debate” to what may otherwise seem to the uninitiated to be “a straight forward story of horror and uncontrollable desires.” Blimey.
April 7. Disturbing news on Gal Johnson’s Serial Killer movie. It appears that the persistent poet has persuaded ball-breaking old-school Hollywood big-shot Sandie West to include his version of ‘If Looks Could Kill’ on the sound track. He tells us: “The chorus refrain of ‘If Looks could kill, I’d be dead” is going to be repeated again & again...” Yikes! Gal goes on: “BRILLIANT ain’t it... me and Gal Gonad are VINDICATED. Until now we were the only two people in the world who loved that song. We were visionaries.” Hmm. Reality check: our Gal once dubbed the dreary ditty “The worst thing that ever featured on an Oi album, worse even than Dave the Boil’s poetry.” If Looks Could Kill appeared on The Oi Of Sex (compiled by Garry J) and may have contributed to the premature demise of the legendary series.
April 6. Terence Hayes, PM, is masterminding a new awards ceremony designed to celebrate Cockney culture. The do, already nicknamed the Badoes, will give gongs to working class Londoners who have excelled in their various fields, such as music, sport, literature, art, enterprise and knowing Tel organised crime. It’d make sense if the inaugural bash coincided with the East End Badoes album launch a week today. But is the PM organised enough to get it together in time?
April 5. Here is Clyde Ward in Los Angeles with Marques - the owner of the now legendary Venice Beach Mexican cafe which inspired our new song ‘Federales’ (see November’s blog entries for the full back story). Speaking through a mouthful of delicious breakfast fish tacos, Clyde tells us: “Marques sends his regards and is now fully satisfied that I am not a Fed. I don’t think he’s so sure about Gal though. He still suspects he is undercover Inglis Policia!” Mierda!
Canadian band Territories (ex-Knucklehead) have released new song ‘There & Gone’ from their forthcoming self-titled debut LP which is out this Summer via Pirates Press Records. The buccaneering West Coast label is producing a unique picture flexi-disc for each of the twelve tracks - the flexis for ‘There & Gone’ and ‘Hearts That Break’ are already available.
April 4. German Oi icon, pin-up and fish farmer Diana Schuler has leaked details of this year’s Randale Meeting. OUT OF ORDER, GEWOHNHEITSTRINKER, THE STRIKE, ARCH RIVALS, DONKEY DOM, THE GENERATORS, and KOMMINTERN SECT will play her new venue in Gasthaus Welschdorf over the weekend of the 11th to 13th May. (Wot? No Doug & The Slugz?) . We’d have gone ourselves but it clashes with Gal’s birthday bash and we ain’t missing a triple whammy of curry, quasar and comedy for nobody.
Gal’s latest Sounds of Glory show is now on Spreaker.
Here are hardcore US Gonads fans, Lenny and his mate, tooled up and waiting for our next California tour. Unlike many fashionable twonks, we don’t condemn gun ownership. With our racket we need all the back-up we can get...
April 3. Gal’s latest Sounds Of Glory show goes out tonight with epic tracks from the Ramones, the Ruts, the Clash, XTC, Creedence, Social Distortion, The Bleechers, Penetration, Perkele, Bad Manners and many more... including that ultimate working class hero, um, the Whistling Postman (!). Yeah, baby. Hear it live, warts and all, from 11pm on 2nd City Radio. (Just to clarify, Rancid Sounds is Gal’s show for new and or unsigned bands, Sounds Of Glory wallows in the classics. But to complicate matters his 70s rock special that went out a couple of months ago was such a hit with listeners there is now talk of him doing a third regular show that’s strictly rawk).
The Pranksters Easter weekender in Kent was a controversial affair, we hear. Our moles are working hard so we can bring you a fully verified account. Watch this space.
And while we’re here: Monkish release a brand new album soonish... Bad Religion bring out their latest effort this Summer... three songs recorded by the mysterious Blades UK will be released as a download e.p. at the end of May... and the Kut release their debut album Valley Of Thorns next month.
April 2. Can-do Hollywood contrarian Sandie West spent the Easter weekend filming the trailer for a big screen adaptation of Garry Johnson’s brutal novel Serial Killer. Sarah Lyn Dawson has been cast as evil murderess Taylor Shelley, and LA-based Londoner John Campbell-Mac will play the tough Jack Regan-style detective on her trail. Adrian Doughty plays a Tory MP who gets murdered. The trailer has been shot to raise funding for the feature-length flick. A source close to Sandie reveals that all the internal shoots will be filmed in California, with the exterior scenes to be shot in London. Garry Johnson tells us that he will have a cameo role as an NHS patient with Wattsie Watts playing his bed-pan changing nurse...
Mere mention of Wattsie in a nurse’s uniform would normally be enough to elicit a stream of sexist smut from Fat Col, so we should count our lucky stars that the blubbery bell-end went on the run last night. Col is in hiding because of the sex tape scandal we reported yesterday. He was immediately and rightly replaced as UK band manager by Miss Management who has finally returned from her month-long rockabilly-based birthday celebrations. Here is our exclusive picture of her and Wattsie viewing the offending filth. As you can see Miss M is in hysterics while Wattsie squints to try and spot Col’s record-breaking appendage (Look in the Guinness book under World’s Weeniest Weiner...)
Fun Fact: Canning Town born John Campbell-Mac, a former boxer, also plays our Gal’s secret love-child in Get Your Gonads USA. The project, dubbed “the greatest punk rock movie since Rock n Roll Swindle”, can’t be completed without raising funds for UK filming dates.
April 1st. A vile sex tape showing Fat Col naked has been posted online by persons unknown. This is not an April Fools’ Day wind-up. The footage, dating from the late 90s, contains eye-watering images of what appears to be the 19-stone Gannon stark bollock naked with his ex-wife Jeanette in their marital home on Thamesmead. It is said to contain “embarrassingly audible” sex talk - largely consisting of Colin begging for it until she relents. After money changes hands, the actual coupling takes about 15 seconds. Jeanette, the saucy minx, reads Women’s Weekly and smokes a roll-up through-out. Some claim that the film has been posted as an underhand tactic to undermine Col’s position as acting manager. A grim-faced Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) tells us: “If this tape is authenticated there is no way Gannon will be able to continue as acting manager, or frankly, even to be seen in public without flinching from howls of mocking laughter. The way will be clear for Miss Management to reclaim her role.” (Sporrell refused to comment on rumours that it was him who paid Jeanette a monkey for the film in the first place.)