April 30. News from Chelsea Dom, he’s busy finishing off six new Badoes songs which insiders say “piss all over” the Diehards’ set and are therefore certain to add to the WM’s state of perpetual befuddled confusion.

*Single of the week: ‘Sick’ by Ceremony, a 7" colour vinyl from Bridge Nine Records.

April 26. The global Gonads debuted by headlining the Frag Fest in Milton Keynes last night – just hours after their first full rehearsal session. And the results were spectacular. The line-up of RD, Nacho Jase and Mick Maverick hit like David Haye and were tighter than Scoops at a pay bar. Technical wizard Jase has already added Churchill quotes and Filthy John snippets to his foot peddle (gawd knows how) and there is wild talk of investing in a Gonads back drop. Our thanks to Alison for being flag girl, to Joan for the use of her recreational “petting zoo”, and to the legendary rock goddess Janice Gussett for turning up and raving about the gig. The set-list was: ‘Alconaut’, ‘Punk Rock Till I Die’, ‘Oi Mate’, ‘Grant Mitchell’, ‘British Steel’, ‘Yeti’, ‘Rob A Bank’, ‘England’s Glory’, ‘Hey You’, and ‘Gob’ – by which time we hit curfew. The Beast was deeply impressed. He said: “The new Gonads have already hit a new peak of power, professionalism and ability. Today the Crauford Arms, tomorrow the world.” Oi! Oi!

April 25. BH2 was packed to capacity with punks and skins for the St George’s festival last night. The Anti-Nowhere League headlined with the London Diehards, Franky Flame and a host of others. Spotted in the crowd was a very well-spoken beauty who went to school with the Countess of Wessex – not an advance guard for the Royal Family but the wife of Mr. Nicholas ‘Animal’ Culmer. (Rumours that Prince Philip is coming along with Waistrel for our gig tomorrow night have been hushed up by the security forces.) The League are already in talks for a return gig at the venue.

*No details of this year’s St George’s Day prankster festival will be made public, by order of the WM. “Some things are best kept under wraps,” said Tel, as he downed red wine to try to blot out the hideous, haunting visions - visions that would have driven a lesser man to the very edge of sanity, visions guaranteeing months of emptiness and endless nights of restless misery (We get it – Ed). So mote it be.

*Fans of Boston mavericks the Conversions will be interested to learn that their never-released album ‘Spineless Wonders’ has just come out on Ride The Snake records. Also just out Sick Of It All’s latest hardcore treat (CD+DVD) ‘Based On A True Story’.

April 23. Happy St George's Day!!! The morning started with Stinky Turner on Sky Sports, continued riotously at London boozers decked out in the flag of St Geo, there was a high-level Pranksters meeting at Rules in Maiden Lane and the festivities continue apace tonight. Keep St George in your hearts, keep us English! PS Don't forget, the new global Gonads headline the Frag Fest on Sunday. Bring a flag!

April 22. Right Said Fred were on Newsnight last night singing a version of the Gonads' song 'Infected.' That’s bad enough, but to rub salt in the wounds they’d adapted it as a Lib Dem anthem... the cheeky bastards! This is an outrage for a number of reasons, primarily a) We’re voting UKIP/English Democrats b) Where’s our bleedin’ royalty cheque? That said, other Gonads songs available for political parties include ‘Mistress Material’ for top Green Sian Berry, ‘Alconaut’ for pub-loving Nigel Farage and ‘Badly Done’ for John Prescott’s unfortunate former mistress.

*Tottenham Sean: a correction. Contrary to earlier reports Sean was not sacked as band manager of the London Diehards. He has in fact resigned due to work pressures. More fool us for believing the WM.

*Gentleman John’s written a great track called ‘Temazepam’ for the new Long Tall Shorty album. The only problem being none of LTS can spell it...listen out for the song on Gal’s next pod-cast, which will almost certainly be in May – he’s been busy!

April 21. East London legends the Cockney Rejects are adding a new member to their band – temporarily at least. Boxer Kevin Mitchell is in training for his Interim WBO World Lightweight Champion title fight against Michael Katsidis on May 15th at West Ham United's Boleyn Ground, but the Dagenham hot-shot will join the Rejects for a special one-off performance at BH2 this Thursday afternoon. Unbeaten Mitchell will play drums on a live version of the West Ham anthem ‘I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.’ Kevin tells us: "I'm used to hammering opponents with my hands, and I've got good coordination and rhythm, so bashing the drums should be pretty easy - I hope!" He went on: "The Cockney Rejects are legendary in the East End, my dad was well into their music so he's well happy that I'm in the band!" Stinky adds: "I'm delighted that Kevin is joining us for a session. Being a former boxer and West Ham fan, I've followed Kevin's career and he's the best British boxer out there by far and it's fantastic that he's fighting for the world title at West Ham's ground. But I'll hold out on my judgement of his musical talent until after he's played the session with us on Thursday." Watch out for it on Sky TV! (Tickets for Kevin’s 'Hammer Time' bout, priced between £30 and £250, are available from: West Ham Ticket Hotline: 0871 222 2700. Website: www.whufc.com)

April 19. Eastern European interest in Gonadery continues to grow apace. Bulgaria is the latest proud nation to approach us about a show – something the Beast will attend to when he sobers up. His 50th birthday bash in Brentwood, Essex, yesterday was a proper gathering of the clans. Several Oi faces turned up, including the legendary Vince Riordan, Gal, Jeniera Blade and Leah McCaffrey. Birthday greetings were read out from Steve Whale, Maninblack, Dave Courtney and DMG. Vince was in fine form helping to run up a huge bar bill, and many tales of better times were retold. Incredibly, Fat Col snubbed the event to go to the Dropkick Murphys’ show in Brixton. The lardy oaf then had the cheek to ring up complaining because the Murphys’ sound was “shit” and the songs were “too watered down and mainstream.” They “used to be a good punk band,” he moaned. “What happened?”

*Shock news from the London Diehards front: Tottenham Sean has been sacked as manager for “failure to attend gigs”. The leading contender to replace him is Charlton Lisa. Although her megalomaniacal demand to be called “the London director of Oi” rather than manager has raised more eyebrows than the WM’s spelling.

APRIL 18. If you’re coming to the Beast’s 50th today, it’s kicking off at about 2pm. A report may follow.

* Here’s a ten minute taster from Punk & Disorderly featuring among others: COCKNEY REJECTS, ANGELIC UPSTARTS, CRUSHING CASPARS, OHL, THE ZERO POINT etc: www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxyYqW-5dMs.

* Legendary Danish all-girl punk band Gylle are getting back together for a one-off show in June…

APRIL 17. Londoners looking for a great Ska night out on St George’s Day are advised that Buster Shuffle, the Scaredy Cats and the Sterilisers play the Target Club at the 12Bar next Friday. And if you’re around during the day we’ll see ya at the Gunmakers.

*Yo! New Yorkers should know that our pals Maninblack play the Double Down Saloon (14 Avenue A at Houston Street 10009 in Manhattan) on Friday 30th April. They’re on stage at 9pm and admission is free. Maninblack will be the first live band to perform at the Double Down, NYC, although its Las Vegas sister bar has hosted live music for years. CrakShot will be sponsoring this event so there will be plenty of freebie white vials around. Drinks are cheap too.

*IN record news the Slackers album, ‘The Great Rock-Steady Swindle’ has just come out on HellCat, stuffed full of “Jamaican rock n roll.” Meanwhile The Last Gang, who supported the Business years ago, have released a 7” single, ‘Continuity Breakout’. The band mixes punk and rocksteady, and Beki likes em.

April 16. The Gonads will support the Cockney Rejects at a major London show this Autumn. Watch this space. But we will NOT now be supporting the Angelic Upstarts when they finally play the Garage late this summer. Crashed Out will open for them instead on the entirely reasonable grounds that the Upstarts are sharing their back line and van.

* More than 200 bands will play Rebellion between 5th and 8th August, including Bad Religion (Sunday headliners), the New York Dolls (Saturday headliners), Stiff Little Fingers (Friday headliners), the King Blues, Streetlight Manifesto and the Aggrolites (Thurs). Other confirmed bands for the long weekender at the Winter Gardens, Blackpool, include the Cockney Rejects, Gallows, Agnostic Front, GBH, Discharge, King Kurt, The Oppressed, the Glitter Band and the Cro-Mags. The weekend ticket price is £90 (£100 after May 1st). Or it’s £35 a day (£25 on Thursday). Email: rebelliontickets@btinternet.com. Call 02476 601678 (+44 2476 601678 from outside the UK)

*Steve Whale tells us the Blades’ excellent ‘Spirit of England’ ep will be released by Plastic Head. More details when the great man is back from Lanzarote. He just made it out before the volcanic ash – the most white powder Iceland has seen since Kerry Katona filmed her last ad.

*Two senior Oi figures reckon the reason Oi never went Top Ten in the 1980s was the bands lacked sex appeal. “Think about it,” said one. “Mensi, Stinky, Roi, Mickey Fitz, Wattie... girls weren’t exactly going to work themselves into a sexual frenzy over that little firm the way they did over pretty boys like Adam Ant or Elvis. That’s why Oi was such a lads’ thing.” “The only good-looking Oi singer was Terry Hayes,” agreed the other, whose identity has now become apparent. “If only Skully hadn’t been arrested the Badoes could have bossed the charts like rock ‘n’ roll lurv gods.” Indeed. Even now the WM is “the Paul Newman of Oi,” agreed the WM.

April 15. A scurrilous but well-researched list has been compiled of Oi band members, hangers-on and fans who are suspected of being “in the closet”. It will be read out in full at the Jolly Pranksters’ St George’s Day festival.

* Long Tall Shorty have finished their latest album, ‘Kick Out The Shams’ which is described as being “very sixties”. Meanwhile Backhand Fee Tone is telling people that he has left the Gonads. He might have told us first!

* Phil from the ever so busy East End Badoes (that’s ever so busy used in the same sense that Gordon Brown is ever so popular) tells us that he bought a cracking Epiphone 335 off the WM for a sensible price last month. He sent him a text at 9am on April 1st saying he’d just sold the same guitar to a guitar tech for more than double what he’d paid Tel. Phil goes on “The silence lasted only about 35seconds before my Nokia rang into life, flashing ‘El Tel’ on the screen.” It was the WM moaning like a Cockney Victor Meldrew. “I do NOT fookin’ belieeeeeve it!” he fumed. “You should feel guilty my son. Proper ripped off I’ve been!” Phil replied: “Sorry you feel like that mate, I’ll buy you a drink. By the way, have you got today’s date?” “What?” “Today’s date. Have you got it? Only I’ve forgotten what it is…” (long pause). “You f*****’ ****!” Click. Brrrr.

April 14. Congrats to Gonadettes beauties Zoe Anderson and Vikki Thomas who both get married this September, and not to each other either. Although given her, ahem, size we reckon Vik could swing both ways, or indeed any way she wanted them to swing.

April 11. Not much to report. Long Tall Shorty are in finishing their new album with Pat Collier today with Wattsie on backing vocals (first they steal our gigs, now our singer – this will end in tears). Gentleman John has started a window cleaning business; if his round includes Kiria’s house we’ll know what his game is. And Gal has turned down a last minute offer to stand for the English Democrats in Greenwich & Woolwich at the General Election because he says there is no point contesting a seat unless you do it properly. Other than that, Street Dog fans will be interested to hear that Taang! have re-released ‘Savin Hill’ as a colour vinyl album with a gatefold cover and an extra track. And if you’re reading this Johnny Rioux how about replying to the email, mate? It weren’t that long ago that you were supporting us at the Elvis Room in NH... how soon they forget.

*It’s being suggested in certain quarters that Oi - The Party should be formed to contest seats across the EU, offering a radical street-level alternative to the establishment parties; non-racist of course. Good idea? Bad idea? Pipe dream? We can’t tell you. We just report the facts, ma’am, just the facts.

*Our pal David ‘Dizzy’ Holmes runs the only Bulldog Rescue centre in the UK. On St. Georges Day, the charity-backed concern is holding about 20 events all over the country. Details here.

April 7. Gal’s on his way back from Vegas, minus his shirt. Only a fateful encounter with a Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame lookalike saved his bacon. He tells us: “There was a croupier in TI who looked the dead spit of Frank. I tried his table and won $300 in half an hour – cheers Frank!” Vegas prices have gone through the roof, though. One beer, a plate of chips and three draft beers in the BB King Bar set our leader back 52 bucks. Says Gal: “No wonder he had the ’kin blues...” Clearly what Nevada is missing is a London hotel with an Oi and Ska bar, Cockney comics on every night, and such authentic folk delicacies as stewed eels, pie, mash and porky scratching... we are ready for a six month residency just as soon as Charlton get promoted.

*’Charlton Boys’ and ‘That’s Oi’ are now up and playing on our myspace page. Have it!

*Hoolies, Gal’s book on British cults, is available to pre-order now on Amazon. It includes lengthy chapters on Oi, 2-Tone, Punk, Skinheads, Mod, New Mod and the Glory Boys, anarcho-punk, street politics and much more. The up-dated paperback version of Cockney Reject is in stock at Gonads HQ now.

*While we were away, GBH’s new CD came out on Hellcat. Called ‘Perfume & Piss’ it’s packed with angry anthems like ‘Kids Get Down’, ‘Cadillac One’ and ‘This Is Not The Real World’. A brutish beaut, according to Fat Col.

*Sparrer’s London shows were a smash hit. Steve Bruce tells us “We had about 4,000 in over the two nights. Good support bands and a great atmosphere.” The lads are off to Sweden on Friday. Meanwhile Garrie Lammin pops up in EastEnders on May 7th – seriously - which reminds us of the time Garry Johnson convinced Annette Witheridge, then of the News Of The World, that Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame was joining the soap cast as the Vic’s resident Cockney pianist. She interviewed him at great length about his views on the East End and his time in Woody Woodmansey’s U Boat, took pictures, wined and dined him and was set to run the story. The wind-up only fell apart at the final hurdle when Annette rang back to ask when exactly the great man would appear on screen...

PREVIOUSLY