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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


Nov 11. Well this is a turn-up, we were going to tell you about the exciting new Last Resort album which is being recorded this month, and the shock tip from Slippery Ted that ‘something completely different’ is the best bet regarding Gal’s 2020 solo album. Instead we have received court papers informing us that Wattsie’s bid to impeach Lord Waistrel has been approved. Consequently we cannot report on the General Erection campaign (Thank fuck for that – Bored Ed) or the impeachment investigation which rather puts the kibosh on meaty blog content. We’ll be back if and when we have anything to tell you.



Here is where to order the forty anniversary editions of Gal’s books Dance Craze: Rude Boys On The Road and Time For Action (on 2-Tone and New Mod respectively).

Nov 10. On Remembrance Day, here is how to give to the Royal British Legion.

With Gal and Clyde in exile, we can’t get any reliable answers about what Gal’s 2020 solo album will actually be like, but our local bookie Honest John “Scrotum Nose” Bearcock is offering these tantalising odds: heavy Trojan Reggae influence 6/4, saucy sub-Max Romeo style lyrics 7/2, uplifting song about England 5/1, hard-as-nails street punk tracks 7/1, Millwall Roi guest vocals 14/1, Paloma Faith guest vocals 30/1, hardcore track 66/1 (same odds for grime, techno & trad jazz), vegan message 100/1, Frank Maloney style rebirth 500/1, something completely different 10/1, whole project cancelled by Christmas 7/4.



Sometimes we have to spell out when something is actually true and these next two stories really do take the biscuit. Firstly, so-called publisher Stalin is delaying the launch parties for Gal’s New Mod and Ska books until January! Shocked sales expert Emma McSweeney tells us: “As 80per cent of all book sales are in the six week run up to Christmas it takes a special kind of anti-capitalist to buck the market and launch a title in the deadest month of the year.” Well done comrade!



Secondly, Fat Col has genuinely offered to promote a 12date UK tour for the American Gonads next July promising them “high profile venues in fashionable locations”. The poor man’s Arthur Daley has also told them that “business overheads” mean he can’t actually pay them for this “once-in-a-lifetime experience” but instead has promised to reward them “in kind” with “a whole night with The Nosher”. Col is believed to have told Tippy: “You would shag her, but only if your vaccinations were up to date.” A furious Wattsie asks voters: “Do you really want the UK Gonads to be represented by this sexist dinosaur?” Probably not, but when the ballot papers are counted on 13th December, we shall find out...



STOP PRESS: confirmed stops on Fat Col’s American Gonads UK 2020 tour are: Hythe, Falmouth, Rhyl, Holyhead, Doncaster, John O’Groats, Grangetown, Great Yarmouth, Jaywick Sands, Rainham, Bexhill-on-Sea, Erith WMC. Exciting! Sneem in Ireland is also a possibility.



The Gonads WebsiteNov 9. Gal and Clyde are understandably traumatised by Judge Roughneck’s recent court ruling which censured them over the November 2017 US tour. Lord Waistrel, always keen to pass the buck, has banished the gutted pair from the country – here they are languishing in misery on Venice Beach, California, waiting for the bars to open, “gutted” to be banished to the hellish 82 degrees heat of LA...



Laura Kuntzbernt reports: “The 2017 West Coast tour and its repercussions has hung heavily over campaigning in the UK General Erection, but the American Gonads are turning things around. Lord Waistrel has now endorsed the band unconditionally after they demonstrated that they have cut all ties with She Who Must Not Be Named – with Trotsky angrily asking why “hypocritical” UK Gonads are still Facebook friends with her. Fat Col is not only championing their right to exist but says he will also put them on tour in the UK next July. Only Wattsie Watts wants the US Nads to be disbanded, but polls show this policy is unpopular with hardcore Club 77 members.” An irate Jay The Tripod tells us: “Wattsie is the one with the problem. You should kick her out the band... and send her over to my place.” (A man after Fat Col’s heart). No word as yet from Wheelgun Bob who is keeping his powder dry. Possibly up his nose.



Record Noos: Lion’s Law’s new Cut The Rope 7-inch will come out on Friday 15th November via Pirates Press... and the Broken Heroes/The Detained Split 7inch ep is winging is way over from Contra Records as we speak, limited to 200 black cover/splatter vinyl.



The Gonads WebsiteNov 8. Today’s shock news in pictures! Shock News #1: Carrie Griffiths, formerly of Buster Shuffle, will guest on Gal’s hitherto unmentioned solo album. He’s currently writing new songs with Clyde Ward for the “game-changing” LP which will be recorded at the Golden Goblets studio in Cyprus next year. We ask Fit Bird if she knows about it and she sniffs: “Oh yeah, ’e’s been banging on about it, ain’t ’e? Pasquale’s on it and that Lars geezer.” Which Lars, we ask, Frederiksen? Ulrich? Sullivan? And which Pasquale, Don or Joe? But she just shakes her head and in the voice of an angel replies: “Fucked if I know.” There is no further information available on this exciting project as we go to press.



The Gonads Website Shock News #2. President Trump has doubled down on his support for the American Gonads, who – in a state of not inconsiderable shock – have delayed their official statement that was due to be released today.



Nov 7. The recent controversial court hearing produced a number of hitherto secret documents for judicial scrutiny which have now been leaked to the gutter press by Slippery Ted. These include Lord Waistrel’s eye-opening list of genuine reasons he fired people from the Gonads, to wit: 1) Round dodging 2) Fiddling band expenses 3) Disloyalty (incorporating blatant lying) 4) Cock-blocking 5) Back-stabbing 6) Dying. The documents revealed that the good Lord considered “refusing the offer of a pint after band rehearsal to go to the gym” to be a “yellow card offence” upgraded to a red card one if repeated; he also took a dim view of “musicians who move to another continent and expect to remain in the band”. However there is no truth in the rumour that veganism will get you sacked because “no vegan would ever be employed”. Wattsie Watts immediately denounced this list and moved for Waistrel to be impeached as an unfit manager; Fat Col has endorsed it saying “if anything he errs on the side of leniency”.

Meanwhile the American Gonads have reacted with furious contempt to Donald Trump’s intervention (as reported on yesterday’s blog) and to erection pledge threats to their continued existence. We expect their PR guru, Wheelgun Bob, to issue a rebuttal at some point today.



The Gonads WebsiteThe US Gonads: furious contempt


For those seeking Erection Relief, we can recommend The Polecats, the Zipheads and the PRCC’s Barnet Mark fronting The Viva Las Vegas Trio at the Underworld tomorrow. Tickets from here, with Johnny Herbert at the controls...
The Gonads Website
Nov 6. Dramatic news! Donald Trump, the President of the United States, has made a surprise intervention in the UK General Erection. The Donald called Gal’s Rancid Sounds radio show live on air last night to state that in his view Lord Waistrel should form an electoral alliance with his dear friend Fat Col in order to “see off the subversive Communist threat” posed by Shona Wattsie Watts and “get Blogxit done”. The POTUS said America could do business with the Gonads “under sensible leadership” but demanded that in return the successful candidates should back the continued existence of the American Gonads. Asked who he preferred between Waistrel and Col, the President replied “I like them both. I think his Lordship can get the job done but they’re both friends of mine. What I’d like to see is for Waistrel and Fat Col to come together. I think that’s a possibility.” He went on: “The USA is far and away the No1 economy in the world, and there’s no reason the Gonads cannot trade with us, as long as the American Gonads are granted equal access to the UK market. That band are so great! We have the best bands in the world here and the hottest singers.” Wattsie Watts immediately condemned Trump’s “unwanted” intervention, dubbing his relationship with Waistrel and Col “a reactionary axis of evil”. Watts claimed the President had made the call “from a branch of Hooters or a Russian tearoom”, she also condemned the “very existence” of the Gonads USA, calling them “as welcome as a McDonalds in Hampstead... there is only one band called the Gonads and that band are English.” But Fat Col welcomed Trump’s “sage advice” and said that he had reached out to Waistrel privately offering a “positive alliance” several times but had been repeatedly blanked.

Col praised the American Gonads as “very strong, very hot” adding “I would happily record 18 Stone Of Dynamite with them if Waistrel reneges on his promise to authorise the recording in the UK.” The response from Waistrel himself was more muted. He expressed admiration for Trump’s “dynamic achievements, vision and splendid marital choices” but he would not agree on an electoral pact with Col. He gave the American Gonads qualified support however saying that they are “a good bunch but they must cut all ties with She Who Can’t Be Named if they want my endorsement going forwards.” Laura Kuntzbernt comments: “Trump’s unexpected intervention has put the cat amongst the pigeons but it may backfire as it is likely to horrify the middle ground and stiffen the swelling support for Wattsie Watts. Many of Waistrel’s advisors are known to secretly favour a tactical alliance with Colin Gannon. One high-placed source told me: ‘Waistrel has the top nobs and the Eton boys but Col speaks for the piss-stained streets of Plumstead’. How Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa and the American Gonads will respond to Trump’s words is anybody’s guess...”



Belated happy 60th to Bev Elliott, razor-tongued punk scribe and former Casualties manager, who celebrated in The Ship in Wardour Street on Monday night, with the likes of Barnet Mark and her arch enemy Chelsea Dom. Said a source: “If Bev and Dom can share a pint, there is still hope for peace in the Middle East.”



Nov 5. Hello and welcome to our new occasional street author feature – Five Beeries, Five Queries, a convivial pub-based quickie which kicks off with Garry Bushell (how on earth did we get him!?!).

1) Gal, your new novel Hell Bent has been described as part horror story, part comic fantasy. What’s it about? GB: “It’s the story of four London teenagers, an ordinary gang facing extraordinary challenges. It’s very different from The Face, it’s not pulp fiction, it’s an adventure saga about normal kids who are forced to become heroic. I’ve been writing this book off and on since my teens, since the Pink Tent days in fact, and It has lots of laughs, a fickle finger of Faust and plenty of pace. I’m really proud of it.”



2) What is going on with The Face series? GB: “There is still plenty of life in it. I’m working on the fourth Harry Tyler book now and hopefully it’ll be published around this time next year. That’s the plan. It’s about 60per cent written. I’m doing two jobs at the moment so I haven’t got as much spare time as I’d like to have.”



3) Are you writing anything else? GB: “See the answer above. Time is tight but I am developing other ideas. I have worked out the outline for part two of All Or Nothing though and a possible follow-up to Hell Bent. I’ve also been thinking about publishing a short story collection – Harry Tyler will be in that as well.”



4) We see that you have new books on Mod and 2-Tone out. “These aren’t new books, they’re new editions of my old books. Time For Action and Dance Craze have been updated for the fortieth anniversaries of the 1979 Mod Revival and 2-Tone respectively. There’s a New Wave of BHM collection coming too but I’m not sure when that’s due to be published.”



5) So will there be a 40th anniversary of Oi book next year? GB: “I would dearly love there to be, and I have started writing it, but I can’t promise that it will be finished in time because of the pressure of paid employment. It needs to be done. So many lies have been told about street-punk that we need a thorough, well-researched and totally honest book about it that tells the absolute truth, warts and all. I’m getting other people involved so it isn’t just my view.” Hell Bent by Garry Bushell is published by Caffeine Nights.


The Gonads Website

Gal takes the Five Beer challenge seriously...


Breaking news: the People’s Party of Great Britain have issued a strong denial about the suggestion – made yesterday by political reporter Laura Kuntzbernt – that they might back Wattsie Watts as a candidate in next month’s General Erection. Their statement reads: ‘The PPGB does not back individuals. We have our Leader, Ministers, Sheriffs and many loyal members. Plus Paul Herne The Hunter (Protector Of Olde England). We are a nationwide organisation. Well, more than nationwide, as we have Ministers and Sheriffs overseas. The PPGB is a state of mind.’ Laura tells us “The statement has been seen as a refusal to support Wattsie, and so it’s a major boost for Waistrel’s campaign, for although they are a far smaller organisation than the Jolly Pranksters the PPGB and its maverick leader John King are quite influential. Wattsie’s campaign is stalling. Her latest stated policy, that the blog should be reduced to a 3-day-a-week operation as ‘seven times a week is too much’, has been widely condemned by everyone... except long-suffering webmistress Batttttty.” Fat Col tells us: “If Wattsie formed an alliance with me to overthrow Waistrel then I would expect her to agree to seven times a week as the bare minimum, especially at the start when it’s all new and exciting.” Oaf.



Random Noos: available again on vinyl: Stiff Little Fingers’ debut album Inflammable Material (Parlophone) and the Oppressed LP Fight For Life: The Best of The Oppressed (limited edition 150 copies from LSM Vinyl of Canada)... and just out from Pirates’ Press, the new Territories seven-inch Quit This City b/w Defender on colour vinyl.



Tickets are still available for the next big London Oi gig. Gimp Fist, the Badoes, D!ssent, The Angry Agenda, the Warriors, Arch Rivals, Kill The Colossi and Intensive Care play the Boston Arms on November 30th. Kick-off: 3pm. Tickets from seetickets.com. And don’t forget in December, the Rejects play the O2 Academy, Islington on the 14th and the Business play the 100 Club on the 21st.



Nov 4. Lord Waistrel has kicked off his General Erection campaign with a tantalising pledge – vote for him and he promises that a limited edition book based on this very blog will be published in 2020 “to immortalise the adventures of Terence Hayes, PM, Effete El, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner), The Beast and of course the Gonads themselves in actual literature!” His Lordship also guarantees that a second volume of Gonads lyrics will “definitely” be published next year. Our political correspondent Laura Kuntsbernt comments: “This is going to be a big erection for Waistrel and he knows he has to build momentum to reach a satisfactory climax. He will be expected to deliver great spurts of policy, and this pledge is a promising start. It’s hard to imagine Wattsie Watts or Fat Col topping it. So far Col has promised only to recruit new flag girls and introduce pole-dancers to the band’s live set making it, in his words ‘a Shangri-La of crumpet’,” (Oaf! – Woke Ed), “while Watts would commit the band to playing more benefit gigs and wearing black nail varnish – an unpopular policy with the male members.” Laura went on: “Waistrel already has the backing of the PM and other senior Prankster figures, while Wattsie can only count on the support of what’s left of the 1980s League of Labour Skins. I don’t expect John King’s fledgling People’s Party of Great Britain to back her unless she commits to a good hard Blogxit, which she seems reluctant to do. No one else has announced their intention to run so far, although the Yeti has taken an unexpected shine to Black Rod.” Tomorrow: where the candidates stand on the big issues of the day.



The Gonads WebsiteGal’s cracking new book Hell Bent is out now! Like All Or Nothing it’s available from Amazon, but if you want a signed copy you can buy it direct from his own website shop. We hope to reproduce an interview with him here on the blog this week in our brand new Five Questions with Street Authors section.



Phil Fury (formerly Badoe) asks us to remind you that the new Gonads t-shirts he ordered are in stock. He is advertising them only on Facebook at a time when he has come off Facebook, so delivery might take some time. It’s an unusual marketing strategy designed, we think, to win him a place on next year’s series of TV’s The Apprentice. PS. According to Fit Bird just five copies of the original lyric book, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub & Other Punk Rock Sob Stories are left in stock at Nads HQ, Seasalter.



Noos: The Damned have released a 39 track anthology called Black Is The Night, including their favourite songs from 1976's New Rose on. It's available as a quadruple vinyl album, a double CD and a digital download.



Nov 3. Lord Waistrel today announced that he will have a General Erection next month “to put an end to the uncertainty surrounding the Gonads and this blessed blog”. Waistrel told a shocked press conference that although he didn’t want to put the nation through it, “the bally blog” was beset with problems (the American Gonads, JC’s stolen scarf, rampaging Boris Boys in lederhosen, the endangered Christmas knees-up etc) which “must to be settled once and for all”. Waistrel’s shock Erection will be held on December 12th, and he will be polling from 7am until 10pm. Political correspondent Laura Kuntzbernt tells us: “Lord Waistrel has a list of key targets which he thinks he can seize for a decisive victory. He believes that Miss Management’s seat is up for grabs. Insiders suspect that he plans to marry her next year which will be a blow for Paul Power (formerly Skanad). And although Wattsie Watts may be a goal too far, the Yeti has always been very much a swing seat. With the public on his side Waistrel says he can ignore all the moaning minnies and get things sorted.” Fat Col, who has a target list of his own, immediately called for his Lordship to form an erectile alliance with him but Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, rejected it saying “such han halliance his totally huneccessary.” Scrotum added that Col’s list was “totally hunrealistic”, and that he was an “hunfit person, hunworthy of high hoffice”.



The General Erection candidates already announced are: Lord Waistrel – campaigning for an orderly return to blog business as usual. Fat Col – your revolutionary conservative candidate, who wants more sexism, more Oi, more punk, curry and beer, big laughs, “generously busted” women and general filth. Wattsie Watts – for peace, socialism, progress, ancient superstitions and, um, aliens.



LATER TODAY! See our shop page for AMAZING BARGAINS! Hurry while stocks last!!



Record Noos: three of Social Distortion’s classic albums are available again on vinyl from Craft Recordings, to wit: their 1983 debut Mommy’s Little Monster, their sixth studio LO – Sex, Love & Rock’n’Roll and Mainliner (Wreckage From The Past) – their 1995 compilation of early singles and B-sides which were originally released in the early 80s including 1945, Moral Threat and their cover of the Stones’ un-PC Under My Thumb.



NOV 2. Here are two more great shots from the 100 Club gig. The first illustrates a bond that has endured for the best part of four decades. From left to right: Terence Hayes (PM), Lee Wilson, Steve Kent and Gal Gonad. Oi from the beginning! The second shows Gal with the excellent Lion’s Law – a generation (or two) apart but the same message of rock ’n’ roll power and working class unity...


The Gonads WebsiteThe Gonads Website

While this born-again blog is determined to accentuate the positive it seems that some elements of the hoi polloi are refusing to accept Lord Roughneck’s judicial verdict. For starters the American Gonads are adamant that they won’t be written out of history and are currently rehearsing hard. Sources close to Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa tell us that the US band intend to come to England next year and challenge “the so-called real Gonads” to a gig-off where “both bands would play on the same bill and we’d let the audience to decided who is the boss line-up”. Their set, allegedly masterminded by Fat Col, is believed to be made up of thirteen killer songs that the UK Gonads don’t play, to wit: Skinhead Girl, Gob, Valhallaballoo, Infected, Fat Cat Splat, Lager Louts, South London Aggro Girl, British Steel, Back & Barking, FrankenSkin, Lotto, Reinfected, England’s Glory (“A fuckin’ great set” – Club 77 president Maggie Wood). To make matters even more volatile they want Gal to join them on stage! Our political correspondent Laura Kuntzbernt tells us: “It’s a major headache for Lord Waistrel. He is committed to backing Roughneck’s verdict but he is also responsible for the existence of the US band. He will have a tricky job securing agreement in this hostile Parliament.” (Eh? – Ed). We cornered Fat Col with the accusation that he is the Machiavelli behind this latest outrageous disruption, but Col ducked the question and turned on Phil Fury instead – accusing him of: 1) sabotaging Gonads t-shirt sales by “only selling them on Facebook when he’s not on effing Facebook” and 2) sabotaging the Gonads Xmas jolly-up by turning down FIVE potential dates. “The Xmas do should go ahead on December 6th as planned and anyone who don’t show up should be expelled from the band,” he fumed, neatly diverting attention from his own nefarious activities. Col also condemned Paul (formerly Skanad) Power’s suggestion that the do should be held in January instead as “a ludicrous sell-out of Gonadian traditions”. Strewth.



Take a look over at our shop page TOMORROW for a very tasty pre-Christmas special offer... we would’ve done it today but the rugby world cup is on. Come on England!



NOV 1st. REJOICE! We’re back! Welcome to the brand new, super-positive, entirely reliable blog! And let’s start with the good news – last Saturday’s gig at the 100 Club was a CORKER. Lion’s Law headlined on blinding form and all of the bands delivered like Parcelforce. Highlights of our set included Steve Kent jumping up on stage to sing Punk Rock Will Never Die with us – a song that he and Gal co-wrote in Gal’s Ferrier Estate abode some 37 years ago – and the skanking stage invasion which briefly scuttled Paul’s drums. Lee Wilson kindly introduced us and was rewarded with a speech from Gal claiming that Lee was worth £1.5million (after the shock discovery of antique notes and coins in his cobwebbed purse) and would now happily buy drinks for one and all. A jolly sing-along of Buy Us A Drink Lee Wilson followed. Watford’s The Angry Agenda kicked off the night in suitably livid style-ee and the Badoes put in a sinewy performance, although Tel reminded the adoring crowd that he’d be back to work as a school janitor on Monday. James Cruttwell (aka JC Gillingham) was awarded a Hero of Oi gong for playing the Badoes’ set followed almost immediately by ours (only The Bitch moaned, saying “It weren’t exactly Bruce Springsteen on stage for three bleedin’ hours though was it?”). JK Herbert, promoter, summed it up as “A great night and all the bands were on fire. Plus – someone behind me took GB’s story about Lee having £1.5million seriously. Maybe a few others? That has to be one of the Human Punk classics now – half the crowd singing Buy We A Drink Lee Wilson – and Gal from the stage, Terry Hayes and Steve Kent right up close in his ear... Impressive how the young French contingent who were over knew every single word of your songs. Special.” Cheers John! And big thanks to Sarah and Jo for manning the merch stall (exciting shop news tomorrow). Here’s some pretty pictures...


The Gonads WebsiteThe Gonads Website

The Gonads Website

The Gonads Website

On a slightly less positive note, there seems to be some simmering post-Blogxit resentment in the air. For starters Gal was assaulted by three men – so-called Boris Boys, public school toughs wearing lederhosen – on the concourse of Charing Cross station en route to the 100 Club last Saturday. Eye witness Fit Bird tells us: “They ran straight at ’im and knocked ’im clean off his feet, di’n’t they? They di’n’t stop or nuffink. I’m pretty sure one of ’em had an alpine horn. Either that or ’e was smuggling a baby python in ’is pants.” Blimey. Later persons unknown seized JC’s Gills scarf from the 100 Club stage. Fat Col has appealed for it to be returned. He also appealed for Carrie Griffiths’s phone number and then made a general plea for calm, saying “The trial divided us but Judge Roughneck’s verdict has to be accepted. Now is the time for all good men, and birds, to come to the aid of Gonads unity, know what I mean?” Probably. But is it too little too late?

Good news: Gal’s latest Rancid Sounds podcast is up and running now, here.



Bad news: the big Brittany streetpunk fest has been cancelled amid rumours of grasping European agents pricing the much anticipated weekender out of existence. The Gonads condemn any band or agent who put personal greed above the survival of our scene, while a frustrated Fat Col estimates that we have had more gigs cancelled in 2019, for a variety of reasons, than we have actually played. “Hastings, Berlin and the 100 Club were blinding,” he said. “But we lost California, Vegas, Brighton and now Brittany. It’s a poor show.” No matter, here’s to next year!




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