Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
Jan 10. We’re closed but this is important: Gal Gonad will be doing a pre-launch run-through of his long-awaited one-man ‘Bushell: Out Of His Box’ extravaganza sometime in April. It will be a small word-of-mouth event in southeast London and will not be advertised. Insiders say the show, will be “a hullaballoo of rants, revelations, gags, ill-advised confessions and very true stories”. If you would like to be in on it, email management@bushell.biz and we’ll be in touch once the details have been thrashed out. Tickets will be limited, and available on a first-come, first-served basis. Cheers.
Dec 31. We’re closing down the blog for a week or three. Any major developments will be flagged up on the News page. Happy New Year! Let’s hope it’s a good one, with plenty of beer. Before we go though, here are the secret New Year’s resolutions from the band and our pals. Lee Wilson: to buy fewer drinks for people. James Cruttwell: not to be so shy about sharing his lifelong love of Gillingham FC with the world. Wattsie Watts: to be more open-minded about the possibilities that alien life exists and that society is secretly run by a nefarious network of sinister conspiratorial groups. Paul SkaNad: to break the habit of a lifetime and try drinking a pint of beer every now and then. Phil McDermott: to step up his decades-long battle against sexist jokes, advocate feminism and be true to his non-binary self. The Nosher: to throw away her inhibitions and suck some cock. Effete El: to stop keeping so many secrets. Gal Gonad: to allow himself to be more impatient and irritable, and maybe even try a few bad-tempered rants. And finally Fat Col – enough with the empathy, try saying what he really thinks instead of hiding it under layers of politeness and diplomacy.
Dec 30. In an unexpected twist, Gal has pulled the plug on our two new album releases that were due for 2025. A confused Fit Bird tells us: “’E’s written a new Gonads album and the Garry Bushell Experience debut, ain’t ’e, but they ain’t coming out for yonks. ’E says ’e’s takin’ a Dave Long approach and ‘’Olding back until the time is right’.” Confirming the news, Miss Management suggests that both bands might release the odd track at some point next year, but adds, “Gal wants to concentrate on developing what will become An Evening with Gal and his Gonads, which means he will be doing more solo outings in preparation and working on the show format. He’s wanted to do it since before lockdown and if it doesn’t happen in 2025, it probably never will.”
Dec 29. Good news at last for Fat Col. We’re reliably informed that his vengeful stalker the Frog Killer has left England and relocated to Holland after falling in love with an undisclosed member of Evil Conduct. Our insider says, “Whoever it is, they had better treat her well. At one point she moved in with two of The Komintern Sect, there was a misunderstanding and, yada-yada-yada, one of them had a nervous breakdown.” Our source goes to reveal that the Frog Killer loves to do oil paintings of her conquests’ private parts. “In Col’s case it would have been a miniature,” sniffs a passing Wattsie. Although how she’d know opens another can of worms.
Dec 27. Poor Fat Col has been in hiding ever since his sighting in Deptford Market. Wattsie tells us: “He has been confined to a top-secret secure location – the beer cellar of the Lord Herbert in Herbert Road, adjacent to the Barnfield Gardens estate. Woops! Let’s hope nobody tells the Frog Killer…”
Dec 25. Merry Christmas to all our readers around the world, and in particular hard-pressed webmistress Batttttty and all our anonymous sources and insiders (Effete El). It’s been a great year for the Gonads and we still have so much we want to do. An injection of money from a Nigerian prince would help. In the meantime, have a good one, and as the great Dave Allen used to say, may your god go with you.
Dec 22. Happy 60th birthday Wattsie!
Our insider infiltrating the Festivus celebrations in Belfast reports that the Orgasm Guerrillas’ “brilliant” set last night “more than justified their ‘Punk Floyd’ nickname”. The band mixed old classics, like Sing Something Swindle and Frankie Goes To Pot, with “awesome” new ‘power-prog’ songs like Awaken, Beltane, Bad Pharma and Forward To Yesterday; they encored with Aloha and Pottersville. The unnamed insider added “Donkey Laugh were something else entirely – part Idles, part Rejects and part a pissed but paranoid paroxysm of pathetique pique”. Their highlights were Leeds Service Crew and Never Trust A Badoe, but they complained “the low point came with a really shite cover of the Goons song I’m Walking Backwards For Christmas with wah-wah pipe and a Japanese otamatone.” New band The Deplorables, who opened the show, were “more straightforward streetpunk with scathing libertarian lyrics”, said El, anonymously adding that their best songs were Fuck Your Rebellion, savaging the student left, and Uni-cunts, which branded Starmer’s Labour Party and the Tories as ‘two cheeks of the same hideous arse’.” The Deplorables replaced Fat Col’s Rawhides band who pulled out “because nobody could find Col”. Every cloud…
But where is he? After being outed in Woolwich Market, Col is believed to have resurfaced in Deptford Market yesterday when a “Santa-suited mystery man with a pop-up stall” was seen flogging an amateurishly designed boardgame called Down The Rabbit Hole – ‘the Wattsie Watts conspiracy game for all the family… includes the moon landing, Covid, Big Foot, Roswell, Diana, freemasons, the Illuminati, JFK, 5G, the Babylonian brotherhood, John King’s PPGB and many more all-time classics’. (Wot? No Pranksters? – Ed).
Dec 21. We promised you big news and here it is… we’re pleased to announce that we are joining the Punk & Disorderly bill next September with our blinding mates the Buzzcocks, Cock Sparrer, the Cockney Rejects, Stomper 98 and more. Location: Astra Kulturhaus, Berlin. Date: 19th & 20th of September, 2025. Ticket link.
Dec 20. Big news coming tomorrow… watch this blog!
Meanwhile rumours, which are spreading like the Growler’s legs, suggest that Fat Col is operating a pop-up Christmas stall in Woolwich market. Col, currently on the run from the fragrant Belgian assassin known only as The Frog-Killer, is said to have set up his stall yesterday, heavily disguised as Santa. Our anonymous source (Effete El) reports: “We knew it was Col because his new line of goods included a Wattsie Watts Dogging In Dartford kit (including stun-gun, stain removers, and anti-septic wipes), a Jello Biafra horror mask, a Janice Gusset ‘Through the ages’ photobook, packs of ‘Con-the-King’ fake-bacon (actually real bacon to “teach vegans a lesson”), a Rachel Reeves Pensioner Murder kit (‘if the cold don’t get you, the waiting lists will’), the Diana Schuler Guide To Accounting subtitled ‘a magical mystery tour into the unfathomable void’, the Beki Bondage Brace Yourself eight-inch ‘Peg o’ Fun’ and an under-the-counter line of XXL ‘Gregg Wallace is innocent’ t-shirts. No income tax, no VAT, no money off, no guarantees…
Dec 19. Prankster Alert. Tomorrow’s three-day Festivus celebrations will now take place in that Belfast place. Music will be provided by the Orgasm Guerrillas supported by Laurie Marr’s Donkey Laugh. Members only. To order, brethren.
Dec 13. Happy birthday Phil McDermott! We’re still waiting to hear the ska song your wrote in 2015… in the meantime, here are a couple more shots from Monday’s Punk Rock Curry Club do. Gal and Steve Kent with Big E and Judge Shed with a slimmed-down Cass Pennant…
Dec 12. Fat Col is on the run and in fear for his life after upsetting a woman known only as “the Frog-killer”. The young Belgian, a Gonads fan since her mid-teens, contacted the blog a while ago asking if she could become a regular character on these pages and saying, quite rudely we felt, that old favourites like the PM and Chelsea Dom had “had their day”. She added that the blog, “punk rock’s finest well of disinformation”, needed “fresh blood to invigorate it”. When we shunned her, the stunning brunette punkette contacted Colin directly and, even though he has absolutely no say in these matters, he promised to get her a starring role on here in return for certain “favours”. Well, you can guess the rest. The favours were duly delivered (in the ladies’ toilet of a Plumstead social club) but to her abiding fury no blog appearances followed. The woman is now out for revenge. And worryingly, it turns out her nickname is not related to an incident involving an unlucky amphibian, but rather a French boyfriend who broke her heart and paid the ultimate price. Rattled, Col has bolted. A shocked Wattsie Watts intervened immediately – to give the vengeful Belgian a whole list of places his fat arse might be found… Gulp. Can Col to saved? We genuinely hope not…
Dec 11. Some scenes from Monday’s Punk Rock Curry Club Xmas do. Supply your own captions. We’re still legless.
Dec 10. A magnificent turn-out for the Punk Rock Curry Club Xmas shindig last night, which started and ended in the Hopper’s Hut where 97 pints of Paulaner were sunk (ten of them by Gal Gonad alone). More than twenty hardened clubbers turned up including, but not confined to, a full turn-out of the Gonads, the Anti-Nowhere League, half the Business, Chelsea’s Mat Sargent, Geno Blue (Moonstompers), Carrie Griffiths (GBX), Cass, Big E, Jim Jimmy James, Miss Management and Max Spartan. At one point, Laurie Marr from Donkey Laugh turned up outside the Hut but didn’t come in for fear of being “interrogated by Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor)” or “swept away” by Wattsie who he described as “my pin-up since 2010, when I first started reading the Gonads blog at 13”. Oddly Gal and Steve Kent took a separate table, away from the throng, and were deep in discussions with Oi – The Lawyers, aka Judge Shed and the Beast, stoking rumours that either the Prole album might finally be recorded next year or a legal battle to reclaim the band’s early recordings could be on the cards. Time was also devoted to an unsavory discussion of Wattsie’s “Xmas-penis hat”, which she modelled on stage at the Dublin Castle on Friday. A hung-over Effete El tells us “There were at least 22 attendees, and twelve apologies for absence, including Lee Wilson, Olga Toydoll, Jeniera Blade, Barnet Mark, Rudi and Roaul, and predictable ones from Terence Hayes (PM) and John King, whose so-called Beer Monster Elite were put to shame by these hardened drinkers. The Club is growing at such a rate we may have to reserve entire curry-houses in future.” But, he adds, “Unfortunately Gal reached a level of Zen beyond even the HAP (Hearing Aid Proposal) stage and took a midnight tumble down the stairs and so there is currently more urgency to his habitual calls for ‘nursing assistance’.” Absent friends, including Manic Esso, were toasted but not missed. Pictures may follow. To order brethren…
Dec 8. Here are more fine shots from Friday night, courtesy Nick Corcoran. The picture of Gal drinking beer while Shona and Carrie sing pretty much sums up the Gonads in one perfect image. Thanks to nick@sw4photography who cruelly snubbed the rhythm section, apparently in fear that JC might whip out a concealed Gillingham scarf at any moment. Once again thanks to everyone who came to the Dublin Castle. The feedback has been fantastic and we have already had to politely turn down a couple of pub gig offers for next year. It’s tough but we are sticking to our decision to only play festivals and special events from hereon in.
News! Gal last night confirmed that he is compiling an official 45th anniversary Oi compilation for release next year. It is likely to feature between ten and twelve bands from around the world, with two already confirmed. He also said he is working on a new SkaNads/GBX project and hopes to revive his Rancid Sounds radio show as early as next month. Questioned about the long-threatened Gonads Annual, he said only that he was “supervising the early stages of its development” and was unable to confirm a publication date.
In other news, Fat Col furiously condemned Wattsie Watts for refusing sing the female lyrics in Unky Bunk at Rebellion next year saying, “It’s only middle class women of a certain age who would turn down such a golden opportunity.” He went on to thunder, “What good is there in having a singer who won’t sing the lyrics? It’s as bad as having a guitarist who won’t play the songs.” The problem with this is Wattsie was never asked to co-perform the foul-mouthed number by anyone in the band. Her refusal followed a fake Rebellion 2025 set-list that was posted anonymously on our staff page. It featured 18 songs, none of which are in the current set, and stirred up a hornets’ nest of controversy. The mischief-making anonymous poster? You guessed it – Fat Col.
Dec 7. Thank you! Last night was one of the greatest Gonads gigs of all time. 23 songs in total, lots of friendly faces in the crowd, plus guest appearances from Carrie Griffiths and Si Spanner (as the fearsome FrankenSkin) on stage, and Lee Wilson and Steve Kent off-stage. Good to see old mates like Tottenham Sean, Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor) and G2. Huge thanks to everyone who came, some from as far away as Italy, France and Wales. Thanks also to Gunk and the support bands 16 Guns and Jack The Lad. You won’t see us again until Rebellion. The Gonads are now officially putting the semi in semi-retired. Oi, Oi! Here are some blurry action shots. Cheers and beers!
Dec 6. It’s showtime! It’s the final night of our mini-tour tonight at the Dublin Castle, Camden. With deep regret, we confirm that it will be our last ever pub gig. We will play the occasional festival, including next year’s Rebellion, but this is your last chance to see us up-close and personal. We’ll be playing a one-hour set, starting at 10pm. If you missed the early bird tickets, it’s £15 on the door.
Dec 4. Celebrating Wattsie’s 60th in Bexley Village last night. It’s not her birthday until the 22nd but we’re suckers for a little premature e…lation, libation, celebration, and nothing else. Honest. (Fellation would be nice, but it’s not her bag, as far as we know). The event, in OId Bexley Greek Taverna, was marred only by a vulgar birthday card message claiming to be from Gregg Wallace. Fat Col is the chief suspect which means that once again Filthy Phil will get away with it.
Big breaths! “Yeth,” she said. “And I’m nearly thixty.”
Dec 3. An emergency AGM of Club 77 yesterday condemned the decision not to play Eat The Rich at our final London pub show on Friday. The club’s acting secretary, Red Ruth McBride, said it was “concerning” that the song had been blocked by Phil McDermott and called for him to be investigated, adding that she had heard rumours that he also refuses to play Fat Cat Splat, “another song critical of the banking industry and high finance, so I have to ask is Mr McDermott, aka McBadoe, aka McDonut, a supporter of the Trump-Thatcher-Farage-Waistrel neo-capitalist, neo-colonialist, trade-war-backing corporatist hegemony?” (Eh? – Ed). An ashen-faced club chairman, Effete El told the waiting press, “Like the Gonads, this club believes in freedom of speech, freedom of thought and freedom of expression; if, however, it turns out that one member is deliberately stopping the band from playing some of their most-loved songs on dubious political grounds, then we fans believe that will require swift and drastic action.” Club members carried a vote calling for McDermott to be “suspended pending a full investigation of these allegations”. Blimey.
Dec 2. Furious Fat Col last night hit back at Two-Ton Tony Madras (from West Drayton) challenging him to a face-to-face Man Vs Food contest involving 37 different courses including a 72oz steak, Malaysian buffalo curry, three lamb burger half-pounders, 13 varieties of pie, triple-fried chips, a Max Spartan tower of popadoms, buckets of lard, more chips and even more buckets of Paulaner. Said Col, “Then we’ll see who is the real fat bastard is.” The challenge would take place “in any Plumstead pub of his choosing”.
Dec 1. The Gonads spent three and a half hours today rehearsing the special ‘all-killer, no-filler’ 20-song set for Friday’s farewell show. A tight-lipped Wattsie Watts tells the blog, “It’s a set that covers the band’s entire history, from 1977 to the present day.” Gal’s unusually good mood was put down to his personal supply of Paulaner. “’E don’t never leave ’ome without it, do ’e,” sniffs Fit-Bird. “Or ’is bleedin’ pork scratchings.”
John King has responded in a restrained manner to Fat Col’s recent anti-Human Punk diatribe. While thanking Gal for his support, JK Gonad says: “It was thought the Gonads would sell out their farewell show inside the first week, but just in case Human Punk decided to move Sham from the Friday to the Saturday, thereby clearing the decks for what is after all a very sad day for the punk world. Putting Sham, The Outcasts and Tear Up on the Saturday means the hundreds of people flocking to London for the weekend will be looking for somewhere to go on the Friday night. Until now, we assumed that would be the Dublin Castle.” A fuming Two-Ton Tony Madras (from West Drayton) adds: “Fat Col? Fat!? The man is skin and bones. Skinny Col, more like. Colin the Weed! Little Weeeed… Squeezed between Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men. Swaying to jazz funk. Why does Gal put up with this? Sounds like Col is trying to sabotage Garry’s last performance, as people would have attended just to hear John King Is A Veggie performed live!” (A band insider reports: “Many people would have attended to hear Eat The Rich live too but oddly Phil McDermott keeps finding reasons to drop it.”)
Speak of the devil… no sooner do we mention Sandie West than it turns out she has just made this teaser for her film Insidious, based on the Garry Johnson’s novel.
