Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

 

April 19. There have disturbing developments while we’ve been away. Sandie West (Hollywood pest) is today hosting “the LA punk film festival” at her mansion of evil, and has provocatively included Get Your Gonads USA for a screening. Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) fumes: “How the Donald Duck can this mad bint be showing a film that a) ain’t even half-way finished and that b) the band ain’t even seen, let alone approved?” Luckily we managed to stop Mart from jetting off to Venice Beach to “sort the West problem permanently”. But this outrageous development has hardened Lord Waistrel’s resolve – among other things – to ahem “firm up” our punk rock sex-comedy Bed, Board & Boned In Berlin.

Once again Fat Col enters the story, claiming that he is working with Sex Shop Si Spanner to “story-board” the movie. Their early draft reads: ‘The Gonads are booked to perform at an “alternative orgy” in Kruezberg in support of an anarcho-syndicalist protest movement but tension rises when the dodgy promoters swerve paying the band. It’s all a cover to frame the Nads for a big fuck-off jewel robbery. To Wattsie’s disgust, the male members are cornered in their dressing room after the show by a squadron of punked-up German groupies “all tackled up and hungry for love” who steal their DNA “in an unconvential manner”. Unable to cope with the women’s demands the lads draft in their roadies – Col and Spanner – to finish the job, Robin Askwith style... meanwhile Wattsie puts zwei und zwei together and makes vier. She calls in Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) who robs the robbers and we all head for the airport pursued by cops, thugs and broken-hearted boilers...’. Yeah. Very subtle. Col adds “It’s sorta Monty Python meets 70s soft-core porn. All it needs now is for Gal and Micky Pugh to write a few gags and we’ll be sucking on diesel”. Oaf. PS Waistrel has banned Gal from making ANY Gonads related decisions as he is “too trusting”. He adds: “If this West pest had come to me, I would have shown her the business end of my musket. Or at least have ordered Scrotum to do so.” Quite right.

April 18. Here are some more pictures from our blinding Berlin trip, although sadly no shots were taken of the epic table football clash between Gal and John King backstage at Punk & Disorderly last Friday. Result: Charlton 10, Chelsea 1! (And Gal was kicking himself for letting JK score the one...) The other great joy was finding the entire area plastered with gig posters with Gal’s boat-race jumping out at all-comers (see the pics). Talk about don’t scare the Pferde.

After the great hotel debacle (as detailed previously on this blog), the impish Chelsea Dom (Grand Inquisitor) spread the rumour that our hotel was actually a hostel. Not so! True, Wattsie’s heart sank when she clocked the exterior but inside it was pretty cool... except for two things – no bloody bar and no bleedin’ breakfast! “It’s the promoter’s revenge because you kicked up such a stink about having single rooms,” explains our mate bi-lingual Hans Upp. No matter, buzzing from the vibe of the city, we lived on kebabs and lager for two days running. The gig was terrific, with red-hot sets from the Vageenas, Berlin Blackout and Toxoplasma, and a dazzling performance as the FrankenSkin by Chelsea Dom (GI). There were only a few small downers: 1) Wattsie getting her revenge on Gal for blog-related ‘crimes’ by cruelly and deliberately saddling him with a fridge freezer who spoke no English for two ruddy hours! 2) Our sight-seeing trip around Checkpoint Charlie and the Brandenberg Gate being hi-jacked by Phil McDermott who turned Friday afternoon into the guitar equivalent of a wild goose chase. 3) We ain’t been paid yet!

Backstage with our old mucker Marco from Klasse Kriminale
Wattsie and JC enjoying the trip
The outside of our hotel
Inside the hotel... what a difference a door makes
John King furious after losing the great table football challenge 10-1.
Col and Bunty’s caravan of lust

PS. The Cockney Rejects were brilliant on Friday night and The Business were stunning on Saturday – well done to the two Steves (Whale and Kent) for ending the south London legends’ career on a high with the sterling support of Millwall Roi, Sebi from Stomper and Mike Brand from the Arch Rivals. We were rather hoping Chelsea Dom (GI) would send us a review of the weekend but the great man was too busy gossip-mongering to take notes. It was Dom who spread the rumour around P&D that we were staying in a “caravan of lust”. Not so. In fact the only occupants of said caravan (pictured) were Fat Col and his barely legal concubine Bunty Bigelow. So why weren’t they seen at the festival? Simple. Col wasn’t in Berlin for punk. He met up with the Berlin State Opera who had turned their Easter festival week into a special celebration to mark the 30th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. “We went to see Wagner’s comedy Die Meistersinger,” he tells us. (Wait. Wagner did comedy? – Ed) “After all, it’s all about the celebration of the human spirit over the forces of repression and that. Just like the Gonads.” Bunty confides that Col managed to blag his way backstage by pretending to be an English opera star known as The Plumstead Pavarotti and even had a half-hour sit-down chat with the boss, Daniel Barenboim, about staging our Quest For The Golden Goblets operetta there next year. “It was all going really well,” she tells us. “Until he asked Colin to sing...”

RECORD NOOS: Roy Ellis & the Transilvanians release new 12-track album Almight Ska on CD and vinyl via the Liquidator label... the Madrid based record company are also releasing King Hammond’s 21st Century Scorchers collection and the Mighty Megatons’ single Atomic Bomb/I Want To Know.

PRANKSTER NOOS: To order brethren! This year’s Ēostre weekender, starting tomorrow in That Essex Place, will now run for four days and not three, beginning with a Meet & Greet in Southend hosted by Terence Hayes, PM. Sunday night’s Ska & Soul DJ sessions will be followed by a Monday night of mirth compered by Dirty Rob himself. See your Tyler for details.

BREXIT NOOS: John King urges all punks who support democracy to fight the establishment campaign to nobble Brexit. He wants volunteer bands to take part in his grand Punks For Freedom rally. Get in touch if you want to know more. JK has also launched a kickstarter campaign to get Gerald Kersh’s Night & The City novel re-published as a quality paperback. You can pledge here.

April 15. Here are some pretty pictures from our brilliant few days in Berlin – live shots from the show at Bii Nu plus snaps of Gal being grilled by the Grand Inquisitor, Chelsea Dom, on the Punk & Disorderly stage. Words may follow at some point. Cheers!

April 14. We’re sad to hear of the shock death of UFO’s Paul Raymond yesterday. The guitarist and keyboardist with the legendary and much-loved rock band suffered a fatal heart attack. Another good man lost. He was 73.

April 1st. This blog is closed by order of Lord Waistrel in the hope that various complex problems surrounding the band can be resolved quickly away from the glare of publicity. It’s a confusing time at Nads HQ and we need space to try and get things sorted. Here is our handy guide to our many predicaments. New readers begin here:

The problems began when Waistrel decided to move the Gonads away from live performances and into other art forms, especially films. For a while it looked like Get Your Gonads USA would be step one in this bold progression but huge question marks now hang over the Sandie West production. The background: the initial filming began nearly 18months ago in California and Nevada, with additional scenes still set to be shot in the UK. What’s the problem? 1) A teaser or taster tape has yet to be produced. Deadlines for it have been given and broken many times. 2) The teaser tape is needed to raise the cash to for the London filming. 3) The movie is supposed to be based on the script for Curry On Up The Gonads but has gone severely off course. 4) Hardcore “Spartan” elements within the Gonads supporters group Club 77 are calling for the project to be scrapped or boycotted. 5) Likely completion date: at this rate 2035.

An alternative film, the “sex-comedy” Bed, Board & Boned In Berlin has been proposed more in keeping with the band’s sense of humour. What’s the problem? 1) The script is not yet complete. 2) Plans to produce a teaser tape in Berlin this month cannot proceed until the film has been cast. Probable outcome: the project will be put on hold until all the pieces are in place.

The film projects have diverted us from the recording studio. We have two albums worth of songs ready – a Gonads album and a GBX one – but no immediate plans to record either. What’s the problem? Clyde Ward is tied up in the USA all year working on his new label Gypsy’s Kiss. The Spartans are calling for the songs to be recorded without him. What’s the problem? Clyde can’t produce the songs at long distance. Probable outcome: 1) A single will be recorded without Clyde 5/1 2) The project is delayed until 2020 3/1.

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