Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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May 13. We have been allowed back for one day only to toast the 70th birthday of Gal Gonad, the beautiful dreamer who founded this ship of fools 48 years ago and who has held its course as steady as a pissed-up Yeti on a trampoline ever since. Here’s to his health and long may the Gonads continue to fail gloriously!
In other news: Gal has written what Fit Bird calls “the definitive anthem for our scene”. The thunderous song, Oi For Life, celebrates the spirit and camaraderie of last 40-plus years of street-punk built around the guiding principle: never surrender. No word on when it will be recorded or released, but we’re surprised to hear he’s written it in E.
The blog monkeys write: Thanks to Lord Waistrel giving us temporary access to the blog today, we are able to sneak in some unsubstantiated rumours and gossip, courtesy of our new ace reporter Onion-head O’Reilly who writes: As membership of the secretive Jolly Pranksters brotherhood is said to have excelled that of the English freemasons, we understand the masons are frantically attempting to dent their appeal by allowing the consecration of two new lodges – ‘Oi The Lodge’ and ‘Le Lodge Pathetique’. Fake news, you think? Not at all. A previous attempt to pull off the unlikely sounding merger between masonry and street-punk happened following the consecration of the Jolly Boys lodge (lodge 6900) in Plumstead twenty years ago. Sadly it was closed down by United Grand Lodge after founder members Colin Gannon (now expelled) and the late David Courtney introduced “southeast London workings” to the temple which, among other things, involved cocaine-assisted rituals, Stanley knives replacing the inner guard’s poniard (a dagger – Ed), and the involvement in an installation ceremony of a female stripper. A News Of The World mole wrote at the time: “The stripper, a fiery Scottish woman, performed with dedication, her hips moving and a-thrusting like Shakira at a Hot Gossip audition, until at the very climax of her display she unfastened the strap of her tight white bra, exposed her generous, oiled-up 38-inch breasts and rubbed them all over the bald head of the worshipful master, Bert Sprag, 93, who never fully recovered…” Blimey. Onion-head further reports: “I can’t find out any details about the stripper other than that her supple body was adorned with tattoos of the titles of Bowie songs. The brethren were said to have been enchanted by her Scary Monsters and torn between her Quicksand and the promise of her Fantastic Voyage.” Blimey.
PS. Insiders claim all ritual at Le Lodge Pathetique will be conducted in “Goonish cod-French” and will involve flan-flinging and “tai chi pathetique”. Mon dieu! So mote it be.
Talking of Fat Col, the beefy buffoon has denied claims that he is behind the release of the satirical song ‘Let’s Kneecap Kneecap’ that has appeared on TikTok. He tells us “It was my idea but the bastards ripped me off”. Col – who is not and never will be a spokesman for the Gonads – caused further hostility by writing an article stating “Rebellion needs Reform” on his private blog, Gannon for Gammon. In a rant, aimed we suspect at Millie Manders, he wrote, ‘I saw some middle-class boiler on Facebook attacking John Lydon and claiming she was more punk than he is. Twats like that should be laughed out of our scene.’
May 7. This morning, his most noble, the Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Earl of Charlton, Baron of Bristols, first Lord of The Admiralty (a Leicester Square pub – Ed), Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, Lord Loverman (Shabba) on Tinder, and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Belly, announced the immediate “indefinite” closing of this blog, condemning it for “ignoring my clear instructions and surrendering to tedious repetition and childish silliness”. He added, “The current blog supplies neither news, nor fresh satirical humour. There are no risqué sexual misadventures and updates on the thoughts of Chelsea Dom (the grand inquisitor) are few and far between. Even its ‘fake news’ items have lost their inventive, surreal edge. The whole bally issue feels tired.” Waistrel watchers told us, “His Lordship has suspended the blog before, but there is a real sense of finality about this. The Gonads’ grand history of failure appears to petering out. The sense of fun and community has gone, replaced by the rising stench of futility. The black dog is back.” A passing spokes-squire added, “His Lordship has had enough of the blog and the band. He is walking away from negotiations to allow Miss Management and Wattsie to fight it out amongst themselves. Hopefully at midnight in a girls’ school dorm, with pillows and tasteful soft lighting.” Blimey. In the meantime, the blog will remain closed indefinitely. Any genuine Gonadian developments will be found on the news page. So mote it be.
May 6. Acting Jolly Pranksters WM, Effete El, reacted furiously when he awoke to find the Pranksters top secret HQ (in Green Lane, Chislehurst, just up from the Gordon Arms) surrounded by a rowdy mob of hacks and TV news crews this morning. Refusing to answer direct questions, a grim-faced El read a prepared statement saying “The Jolly Pranksters reject and refute any suggestion that our fun-loving fraternity is a hot-bed of cannibalism. The claim is outrageous, contagious, delirious and downright devious.” Pausing for emphasis, he then added: “Besides, everyone knows we have the issue relatively under control and that the real problem with cannibalism festers within the Masonic lodge at Surbiton.” Cheered by the watching brethren, the Acting WM then concluded: “Finally, if we find that the perverted sex-pest layabout, brother Colin Gannon was responsible for starting this vile rumour, then the blaggard will tried, tied, deep-fried, spliced and served with an extra-large portion of ketchup and chips.” Puzzled GB News reporter, Eileen Trudi Wright, told the blog, “We were amazed when the AWM read out his earth-shattering statement about cannibalism. We were there to ask him about the Pranksters’ alleged links with Reform UK.”
In other news: all “nuisances” have been banned from Gal’s top-secret 70th birthday party this weekend – including the blog! Security will be enforced by Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) and Gal’s personal protection officer Mick ‘Mad Dog’ McBride.
May 5. Oh no! The band’s phoney war has diverted attention long enough for yet another fake ‘Real Gonads’ news site to pop up in Tipperary, Ireland over the weekend. The Beast had it shut down this morning, but not before it has posted scurrilous stories such as:
*Shock as ‘Living corpses’ found in London’s 100 Club!
*Update: ‘Living corpses found in London’s 100 Club’ are just the UK Subs, says medical examiner.
*Jolly Pranksters ‘a haven for CANNIBALISM’ claims ex-member, adding ‘avoid the finger buffet’.
*Moderate Essex Man heard performing extracts from Mein Kampf over unpleasant music says he ‘remembers nothing’ after falling in large vat of red wine near Southend.
*Wattsie Watts ABDUCTS alien – will hold it hostage until it shares conspiracy secrets about Big Pharma, hearing aid proposals and the moon landing!
*Shock as Fat Col “DICK PIX” sold in pubs – life-size pictures ‘come with powerful magnifying glass’, says ashen-faced Plumstead barmaid.
*What a Wattsie rip-off! Furious customers who paid £50 for a Wattsie Watts Walking Tour of Welling conspiracy sites claim her ‘rabbit holes’ were just ‘pot-holes, pub delivery hatches, public urinals and sewer man-holes’.
*Shock as Gonads Blog wins prize for ‘Best Gonads Blog’ awarded by the Gonads.
May 4. Were the Jolly Pranksters behind Reform UK’s striking gains last week? The secretive brotherhood insist they are “entirely apolitical” but unconfirmed reports suggest that they celebrated Reform’s upsurge with a special beer-fuelled all-day gathering on an East Sussex farm yesterday where a Keir Starmer straw-man with two faces was pulled apart by tractors and a full-sized Ed Miliband dummy was soaked in petrol and burnt on a large, handmade wood-burning stove, both to huge cheers. The blog’s requests for a response from the fraternity were ignored, so we are asking for any readers who were present to spill the beans. Anonymously of course, Eric.
May 3. In a soon-to-be published interview with a major German rock magazine, Gal has confirmed that the 40-song, 21st Century Gonads compilation is our next official project. He also revealed that he is rewriting British Steel to include a line about politicians betraying our veterans.
Fat Col has reportedly gone into hiding after facing a double backlash. It seems that Col broke his restraining order by inviting la belle Wattsie to his intimate writing room, Fatboy D’amour in Plumstead, to “collaborate on something hot, fast, thrusting and sweaty in true Gonads style-ee”. She immediately declined (making her the 97th woman this year to have turned down the chance to make Col’s mattress springs sing) and reported him to the police. Gannon has also received death threats from Kneecap fans about his proposed “satirical art song”, ‘Kneecap Kneecap’. An anonymous friend tells us, “He’s more worried about Wattsie than a bunch of hypocritical millionaire socialists like Weller.” The friend (Effete El) adds, “He’s keeping off the radar until the fuss dies down. He’s at Hotel Perla, Benidorm, but keep that to yourselves.”
May 2. After last week’s explosive twist, a phoney war has developed between Waistrel loyalists, led by Wattsie, and Miss M’s miserable curry-dodging rabble. In the midst of this eerie peace, we have heard news that Wattsie and Gal are writing their first song together – a moving lament called The Ballad Of Inniskilling. Despite not having heard a note of their bagpipe-enhanced demo, Fat Col has furiously condemned the number, dubbing it “a deviation from the pure noise path that I and Miss Management are demanding”. Gonads Verify confirm that ‘Mr Gannon has no official connection to Gonads management’.
Elsewhere Col claims to be rush-releasing new Rawhides song, ‘Kneecap Kneecap’, which asks members of the public to hunt down and punish the Irish hip hop trio who hit the news this week for calling on their fans to “Kill your local MP!” and for shouting “Up Hamas, up Hezbollah!” Questioned about the song, Col channels Kneecap by saying that he “rejects any suggestion that the Rawhides would seek to incite violence against any member of Kneecap”. He also claimed that the song was “art” and must not be “taken out of all context”, and urged Paul Weller, Brian Eno, and Primal Scream to “stoutly defend” his “artistic freedom of expression, if you’ve got the guts”.
In other news, an unexpected truce has ended the tension between Waistrel and Donald Trump. The pair met at the Pope’s funeral on Saturday where Trump persuaded his Lordship to stand down his ferocious fighting men (the Canuck Ruckers) in return for a sizeable chunk of the President’s new enterprise, Donald Trump’s Golden Maga Moose-wear. The company is expected to corner the international market in moose-related products, including moose-hide clothing and condoms, moose spittle lube, moose liver and kidney pie, and a Bull Moose aphrodisiac made from blended moose testicles and urine. “It’s the greatest turn-on in the world, moose pheromones would even part The Yeti’s thighs,” enthused a source close to the negotiations (Effete El). A spokes-squire for Lord Waistrel denied charges that he was “selling out”, stating simply “His Lordship is always loyal to the thing he loves most in the world. In this case, it’s his bank account.”
