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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


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Jun 10. The news in headlines: Gal insists our big London 3-date mini-tour will be “pure punk for row people”… Lord Waistrel found shock… and this blog to officially close for “at least a week” from today in order to investigate “fake news” accusations… Those stories in full:

Gal Gonad, the sole surviving founder member of the southeast London punk combo (currently enjoying its 47th year of failure) last night announced that the band’s final shows will be “pure punk for row people, full-on street-rock’n’roll”. He went on to say that it would have “minimal cross-over with the acoustic set”, and that he has added angry bangers like Gob and Eat The Rich while dropping softer numbers. Gal, who was said to be in a mood described as “worryingly psychotic”, added that the Gonads’ future direction would be “harder, faster, louder, heavier and ballsier” as they built up for their tough and tasty penultimate album, Anarchy Now (planned for 2025).

In other news, Lord Waistrel has been found “alive, well and beetroot red” in St Lucia with Terence Hayes (PM). Local blog investigator Tyla Thompson reports that his Lordship had never been in Clacton and has not donated a penny piece to Reform UK who he dismissed as “free market radicals – the polar opposite of feudal reactionaries”. Ms Thompson adds that Waistrel and the PM have been “working on a powerful app called Wossname” and “studying the benefits of manifestation over red wine on Reduit Beach”. Bliss.

The revelation that the ‘Waistrel in Clacton’ scare was fake news has sparked a blog crisis. Grim-faced security officer Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) stated: “Management have ordered a thorough inquiry. The blog seems rather too keen to report rumours and smears as facts, allowing unscrupulous agents of chaos (Fat Col, John King etc) to generate fiction. We cannot allow the verity of blog posts to be questioned. As a respected source of information, we have long been up there with Reuters and The Times, not to mention Viz and the Sunday Sport. Therefore, the publication process will be reviewed and the blog will be closed until further notice while the investigation plays out.”

Jun 8. A source within the Kingy Youth – the youth arm of the PPGB – tells the blog that far from being kidnapped, Lord Waistrel is in fact “being treated to a five-day session in Clacton for his kind offer to donate to Sir Nigel’s fighting fund”. The anonymous, tag-wearing insider added, “No expense is being spared in the local Wetherspoons as operatives attempt to persuade our pal Waister to donate three times as much to the PPGB.” Denying blog “rumours”, he went on to claim that the PPGB have candidates standing in every constituency, adding “While they may not be represented on the physical ballot papers, they are there in spirit – which is far better.” Pausing to down a vintage room temperature Party 7, the secretive source (new recruit Effete El) went on: “As the leader has outlined, true democracy means adding the PPGB name to the ballot paper and ticking the box. As a non-party party that only exists while drinking, the PPGB reflects the dreams of the masses in a very direct and honest way.” But, he added, “However, it is also accepted that results matter, and given the fact that the PPGB vote dwarfed that achieved by Labour in the race to become London mayor – which means John King is now the real mayor of the capital – the electorate can feel confident that a tick for the PPGB is far from wasted, and that King could soon become prime minster.” Blimey.

Noos: Agnostic Front will headline of the InterTony Festival organised in support of the Music Against Racism campaign run by the NEVER AGAIN Association. The legendary NYHC band play InterTony – Festival of Twin Towns in Chojnice, Poland – next Saturday.

Jun 7. Here is Gal talking about his pulp fiction crime novels. The next Harry Tyler case is on the way… slowly. (Aren’t we supposed to be on a break? – blog monkeys’ union convenor).

Jun 6. As we remember D-Day today, let’s not forget our other heroes, the men who fought in Italy and Monte Casino, the 14th army – the forgotten army – in Burma and the far east, the veterans of the desert battles, the Atlantic, the Battle of Britain and more. For our tomorrow, many of them gave their today.

STOP PRESS. John King has denied allegations that the PPGB have kidnapped Lord Waistrel and has launched a formal inquiry. Could a PPGB splinter group be responsible?

STOP PRESS #2. The Pistols/Carter Bush Hall gigs have sold out. A third date will be announced tomorrow – “probably for the Thursday”.

Jun 5. The PPGB last night laughed off rumours that they have kidnapped Lord Waistrel. A stern-faced man, claiming to be a “John King associate”, tells us that the good Lord has merely been “taken into protective care for his own good”. He adds: “We wouldn’t want anyone throwing milkshakes, or worse, into his saggy old boatrace, now would we?” Miss Management condemned the PPGB for “blatant political interference” and called the kidnapping “a Stalinist affront to free speech”. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) has been alerted.

Jun 4. We’re hearing rumours that Lord Waistrel has been kidnapped by the PPGB to prevent the eccentric feudal reactionary from donating £1million to his friend Nigel Farage’s election fund. More news when we have it.

Jun 3. Frank Carter & the Sex Pistols are uniting to help save historic music venue Bush Hall in West London, with two shows on 13th & 14th August. Frank, Steve Jones, Paul Cook & Glen Matlock will perform Never Mind The Bollocks in full both nights. Tickets go on sale Wednesday 5 June.

Breaking news: Lord Waistrel has vanished. Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, tells us that the crusty curmudgeon has not been seen since Nigel Farage announced his decision to return to frontline politics earlier today. He adds “A thorough check of ’is Lordship’s husual ’angouts (the Carlton Club, the House of Lords bar, Grosvenor casino, Chastity’s Chest “for gentlemen’s relief”, Peckham etc) have drawn ha complete blank.” Blimey.

Jun 2. We’re shutting down for a bit, but before we go, here, as promised, is the final instalment of Gal’s Bells Of Hell Q&A session, topped up with your emailed questions. Question: What are the craziest things that have happened to the Gonads? Gal: The Unidentified Cockney Gonads weekend in Leeds via Sunderland with Pete Way and Mickey Geggus springs to mind. But the Gonads’ first US tour was off the scale. The second was beyond crazy. Every time me and Clyde go on the road it’s like a Brian Rix farce. We should write a book about it.

What’s the maddest thing you’ve ever done after getting really hammered? Gal: Pissing on the Berlin Wall with the Exploited in 1981 was probably the riskiest thing, although passing out with Ozzy was more life-threatening. I was lucky he only shaved off one eyebrow. There are a lot of answers to this question, one involving Mensi and a paternity accusation.

Q. If you had to go on holiday with a cartoon character, who would you choose? A. Betty Rubble. Jessica Rabbit would wear me out.

Q. Who is your all-time celebrity crush? A. Wattsie aside, Debbie Harry or Pauline Black, probably. A toss-up. Make up your own joke there.

Q. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? A. One I didn’t go on in LA with a friend of the rock writer Sylvie Simmons more than forty years ago. The friend was drop-dead gorgeous but I got hammered in Barney’s Beanery with one of the Bay City Rollers all afternoon and by the time she turned up at my hotel room at the Sunset Marquee, I was comatose.

Q. Tell us about the show you’ve been doing on Ustreme? Gal: It’s finished now. I did 48 eight-minute shows, telly-based with a D-I-Y feel, a lot of punk energy and a fair amount of rage.

Q. Why are the PPGB not contesting the general election? Gal: Obviously six weeks’ notice wasn’t enough time for John King, the leader, to marshal his sheriffs, raise funds and get organised.

Q. Do you think that Sunak panicked and calling an early election simply to head off the threat from the PPGB? Gal: Not really. More likely he did it to try and nobble Reform.

Q: Did punk influence your politics? Gal: I was a revolutionary back in the 70s, so bands like the Clash reinforced with my worldview. These days I’m far more cynical about politicians of all sorts. Most punk was anti-politics, and that’s closer to how I think now. Practical patriotic anarchism is the answer. Less state and bureaucracy, more freedom and D-I-Y.

Q. Which comedians do you relate to who aren’t old school, blue-collar ones you always back? Gal: Harry Hill. Jerry Sadowitz. Craig Ferguson. Tommy Tiernan. Shayna Ross. Bill Burr. Micky Flanagan. Loads. I want to see my friend Christine Peake’s act. I tried to persuade Manic Esso to do stand-up, he makes Frankie Boyle seem like a Chuckle Brother. I like angry comedy too. Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza was just brilliant.

Q. Do you have an imaginary friend? Gal: Let’s leave Fat Col out of this.

Q. What type of secret society would you start and what would be the initiation ritual? Gal: The Jolly Pranksters sound fun. If I told you the ritual, I’d have to kill you.

Q. How long can the Pranksters remain a man-only organisation? Surely like the Garrick it’ll have to admit women soon. Gal: Obviously I’m not a member so it’s none of my business. You need to ask the PM if you can find him. He’s like the Scarlet Pimpernel of Oi these days.

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