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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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The Gonads WebsiteDec 11. This is the latest shock picture to surface from our historic return to the USA last month. It purports to show Gal with a week’s supply of the “magical powder” which sustained the American Gonads through eight solid (and largely sleepless) days of gigging and Sandie West inflicted torture. When we asked Fit-Bird what exactly the giant beaker contained, she told us straight-faced that it was “the same powdered monkey glands that Charlie Harper uses” with just “a sprinkling of vitamin A and alpha lipoic acid”. It would be ungallant to disbelieve her.

Bruce Dickinson called Nads HQ moments ago to tell us how sales of his autobiography, What’s This Button Do?, are going. The swash-buckling Iron Maiden singer reveals that he’d written a whole chapter on his disastrous early driving experiences and included the times he nearly killed Gal twice – once in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and then again in Dortmund, Germany. Sadly the driving chapter was cut from the finished manuscript. “I’d written 20,000 words too many,” he says. “And the publishers Harper Collins said it was just too long.” Philistines!

Fat Col tells us that we have taken delivery of a new batch of Glorious Bastards album. And here is our Christmas pledge to you: buy this CD from the shop-page now and we’ll guarantee a month-long migraine free of charge.

RECORD noos: coming soon from Evil Records – ABH’s ‘Don’t Mess With The SAS’ re-issued as a 7-inch vinyl single... old Scottish Oi band Straw Dogs’ ‘Dog’s Life’ (also a 7inch)... and Serbian Oi band Ritam Nereda’s 1991 debut album, Nikog Nema (LP).

The Gonads WebsiteDec 10. Here is the first shot of the Great Profundo in action, moments before he correctly “air-read” which coin had been touched by a stunned Harriet Gonad. Notice how he appears to be in communication with ethereal spirits far off in the distant ecto-mist. We understand the mighty psychic might be lured back into action at next week’s Punk Rock Curry Club “if the vibe is right” and, more crucially, if there’s a few bob in it...

Record Noos: Texas Ska-punks the Holophonics have recorded Ska versions of ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ and ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch’ which you can download – if you like... The Swingin' Utters’ comp Drowning In The Sea, Rising With The Sun has been re-issued as a two LP vinyl set by Fat Wreck Chords, featuring 33 of their best ditties. Vinyl version includes digital download... Pirates Press have released The Old Firm Casuals’ blinding 2011 album For The Love Of It All as a two LP set. Vinyl comes with digital download... and in tour noos, the Dropkicks and Agnostic Front are on the road together in the US in February and March.

ARISTO Noos: a furious Lord Waistrel has banned this blog from writing “another bally word” about the GBX project until he gives us the go-ahead. Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, tells us: ’Is Lordship his very angry. ’E wants no more puerile conjecture, rumour spreading and excitable gossip about it. Hit’s unnecessary, ’e says and hit might even prove counter-productive.” Last night an angry Fat Col slammed the “draconian” ban, saying “Puerile conjecture, rumour spreading and excitable gossip is the life-blood of this blog. If you ban them you might as well ban fictional characters from here and then where would we be?” Here, here.

Dec 9. Exciting times at Nads HQ, where Gal and Clyde’s latest song ‘Federales’ was yesterday rated “the greatest thing they’ve written since ‘Oi Mate’ in 2006” by a passing music critic. But controversially the full-on punk number is being held back for the GBX album along with ‘Neville Staple’ and several other freakishly strong songs. In an extraordinary and completely unforeseen development, the pair were approached last week by agents of Simon Cowell after an MP3 of the insanely catchy Ska-pop anthem ‘Shona & The Alien’ was leaked to record companies by persons unknown (Martin Sporrell, aggressive gooner). Gal’s PA Fit Bird last night dismissed Syco’s interest as “insulting an’ fackin’ ludicrous”, adding “Who the fuck do they think we are?” She went on: “Yeah Cowell is interested but we ain’t, we ain’t sell-outs. If we signed with a label it’d have to be Hellcat or Burning Heart, someone with street-cred, know what I mean?” (Someone who actually accounts for sales would be a bonus – Ed). Fit Bird also reproached this blog for likening the GBX project to a continuation of the Old Boots album. “It’s a lot richer than that,” she scolded. “Imagine a thoroughly modern stew of Jimmy Cliff, The Interrupters, Ian Dury and Rancid and you’d be closer to the feel. Forget all the also-rans, has-beens and sulky prima donnas living in the past, GBX are the only game in town.” Blimey.

The Gonads WebsiteHere is another memento of last month’s West Coast jaunt, the brilliant poster for Gonzo’s birthday bash in Pomona.

Dec 8. Our plans to bring you detailed plans for our activities next year have been completely nobbled after Miss Management lost her many pages of notes somewhere between Bexley Village and Croydon on Tuesday night (Fat Col reckons she should be “disciplined” for this carelessness, to which we say: “You can try it if you like, mate, we’re too scared.”) Consequently we can’t bring you a comprehensive breakdown of our strategy, you’ll have to make do with the headlines: 1) The Gonads will be concentrating on European gigs at the start of 2018 with co-headlining dates with Infa Riot in Germany pencilled in for April. There are no current plans to play in England next year. 2) There are no new releases in the pipeline either. We have enough songs to record Greater Hits Volume 4, but no immediate plans to do so. 3) Instead Gal and Clyde are concentrating their writing and recording efforts around the debut GBX album which is described as “close in spirit to the Old Boots album”; at least six new songs have already been written and/or demoed for this including ‘Full English’ and ‘Shona & The Alien’. 4) Plans for a second book of Gonads lyrics have been put back until next Christmas due to “pressure of opening hours”. 5) The DMG side-project is currently on hold pending a record label deal. More news when we have it. Cheers.

A message arrives from Terence Hayes, PM, who rings from a wind-swept, rain-splattered beach in Southend-on-Sea to deny “absolutely” the accusation that the Pranksters and their affiliates are “Trump-loving”. With seagulls squawking around his ears, the great man notes: “We are an apolitical brotherhood, we do not have a political message or engage in political campaigning. And that is the end of the matter.” Quite so. Instead of troubling themselves with such trivial matters, Pranksters are advised to be on stand-by for the annual Festivus, the highly classified details of which will be issued by your Tylers once senior brethren have decided on a time and place. Code name Operation Goose. Status: imminent.

Record noos: The Last Gang release their new 7-incher ‘Sing For Your Supper’ via Fat Wreck Chords today...Donkey Dom and the East End Badoes are both in the studio next month recording albums...and the Dolly Rots have recorded a cover of Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ which is now available for download.

The Gonads WebsiteDec 7. Huge thanks to our US buddy Mikie from California’s own Bad Ass (pictured with Gal, Clyde and his wife Yelen Helen) who has put together this comprehensive but occasionally surprising compilation of his favourite Nads tracks – and the albums they are from – in what he calls “the ultimate Gonads comp”:

1) Pogo Till I Die (Schiz-Oi!-Phrenia). 2) Noise Bastards (Glorious Bastards). 3) Lotto (Greater Hits Volume 2: The Mutt’s Nuts). 4) Oi! Mate (Old Boots No Panties). 5) Oblivion (Built For Destruction). 6) These Ore Our Streets (Greater Hits Vol 2: The Mutt’s Nuts). 7) Skinhead Girl (Greater Hits Volume 2: The Mutt’s Nuts, Bonus 7”). 8) She Can’t Whip Me (The Revenge Of The Gonads). 9) Fucked If I Do (Schiz-Oi!-Phrenia). 10) S.E.7 Dole Day (The Oi! of Sex). 11 Oi! Nutter (7” single). 12) Valhallaballoo (American Gonads). 13) Back And Barking (Oi! Back And Barking). 14) South London Aggro Girl (Live Free Die Free). 15) Hey You (Greater Hits Volume 1: Plums). 16) British Steel (Greater Hits Vol 1: Plums, bonus 7”ep). 17) I Lost My Love To A UK Sub (The Greatest Punk Album Of All Time). 18) The Greatest Cockney Christmas (Cashing In On Christmas Vol.4). 19) Go Motherfucker (Oi! This Is Streetpunk: Vol 3). 20 Getting Pissed (Oi! Oi! That's Yer Lot). 21) Jobs Not Jails (South London 5 Hull 4 (Full Time Result)). 22) Hitler Was An Omo (Schiz-Oi-Phrenia). 23) Punk Rock Will Never Die (The Punk Generation [Disc 1]). 24. Punk Rock Till I Die (30 Years of Oi!: Never Surrender). 25) Lotto again (“to double your chance of winning”). Mikie also suggests two Bad Ass songs would fit in this illustrious company: Crooked (from Raise Your Hoof) and Tuna Taco (from Assault & Battery). Tell us what you think chaps!

For his part, Gonads archivist Fat Col has compiled his own Top Ten of “under-rated Gonads songs & numbers not currently in the set”. It consists of: 1) Valhallaballoo. 2) Reinfected. 3) Beer Can 4) Fat Cat Splat. 5) England’s Glory. 6) Sandra Bigg (Really Big). 7) Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads. 8) Hey You. 9) Line In The Sand. 10). Rob A Bank. (Wot? No Infected? – Ed). Col also requests that we record 1970s original numbers ‘Whelks’ and ‘Antigalligan Last Bell’ “should you lazy bastards ever get round to putting Greater Hits Volume 4 together”, along with ‘Fire Down Under’ (which was written by Gal, arranged by Steve Kent and stolen by The Business), ‘Willing To Kill’ (by Gal & JJ Bedsore, R.I.P.) and ‘Eat The Rich’. Tune back tomorrow for next year’s big Nads plans.

Dec 6. A small party of Gonads, friends and scholars threw a Christmas party in Bexley Village last night, culminating in the Maharajah curry-house. Our pictures show Gal Gonad with H, Wattsie and Miss Management, and Paul Skanad & Phil McDonut sandwiching Nads loyalist Jo.
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The Gonads WebsiteSome band business was discussed – we’re expecting detailed minutes from Miss Management in triplicate later today – and incredibly Wattsie DIDN’T kick off about the US dates or Sandie West. How so, you ask? Well it appears she was distracted when Gal revealed his alter ego as “psychic magician” The Great Profundo and baffled her with amazing mental feats involving coins, telepathy and “air-reading”. Shocked eye-witness Fat Col reveals: “Wattsie blindfolded him, yet he could still perform” (Insert your own jokes here – Ed). “It was the most creative coin trick I have seen since Lee Wilson made £10 disappear from his hand back into his pocket at the bar of the 100 Club. Wattsie was so impressed she barely mentioned America at all.” Mercifully the psychic sideshow stopped before the Great Profundo got around to showing any of them the Trick of the Disappearing Knockwurst.

The Gonads WebsiteDec 5. Spot the murderer! Here are pictures of London gangster Freddie ‘Brown Bread Fred’ Foreman, far right in the first shot, and our former drummer Jim “The Piddler” Piddington... separated at birth or what? One a notorious underworld hit-man, the other a fat bloke with a dubious approach to merchandise accounting... only one of them played a part in the brutal gangland execution of Wattsie’s former father-in-law Tommy “Ginger” Marks.

OUT NOW: Italian Oi band Clear Cut’s exciting new 7-inch single ‘Kids Are Innocent’ – a song that shows them to be (and we quote the press release) “one of the most exciting new bands in the current global resurgence of Oi! music.”... also just out on vinyl, Knock Off’s third album Like A Kick In The Head... and ALL three albums from Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards, courtesy of Pirates Press...

Dec 4. Here is the latest evidence offered by Wattsie Watts and her team – two pictures that allegedly prove the great Gonads California trek was “rife with unacceptable shenanigans”. But the photos were laughed off by a smirking Fat Col who said “These soppy snaps prove nothing. One simply shows the delightful Astrid Von Hinten demonstrating her skiing skills, the other shows Sandie West (tyrannical film director and sadist) brandishing the substitute stage cock which was rejected after just one stage performance.” He went on: “Quite what she has in her other hand remains a mystery but judging by the look on Jay The Tripod’s face it must be painful.”
The Gonads Website The amazing Astrid in après-ski mode

The Gonads Website The Gonads USA + Leanne and Dylan from Shiragirl & dictatorial director Sandie West

Things aren’t going all Wattsie’s way however, as she has been denounced by two of her most radical supporters – Sid & Doris Spart – for “watering down” her calls for a public inquiry into the US tour. The ageing juveniles, both fervent Momentum members, ask: “Why did Comrade Wattsie not also call for an investigation into the sinister activities of the Trump-loving Jolly Pranksters? We have seen the evidence of satanic practices – this must be fully exposed and stamped out.” According to Brother Sid, Wattsie has been “got at” by Terence Hayes, PM, and pressured into going easy on the mysterious brotherhood. No Prankster, senior or junior, was prepared to comment on this matter.

The Punk Rock Curry Club Xmas bash is mere days away. We won’t reveal which high-flying member turned down their invitation on the grounds that the night “clashed with the Coutts bank Christmas party” if they transfer one ton immediately into our lowly Co-Op bank account. The clock is ticking, fella.

Dec 3. Yesterday’s results in full: Sham 69, Loaded 44. Blink 182, Stomper 98. Resistance 77, Haircut 100. Dave Clark 5, UB40. Sum 41, Section 5. Grade 2, Fun Boy 3. Cowdenbeath vs Stenhousemuir – postponed.

Dec 2. The fragrant Wattsie Watts is now calling for “a thorough and far-reaching public inquiry” into what she calls “the ramifications and unexplained mysteries of the US tour.” The aggrieved chanteuse claims that our recent West Coast dates – widely viewed as a mega-success – have “called the very existence of the Gonads into question”. She specifically demands that Lord Waistrel funds the “open and transparent” inquiry to establish 1) Why the tour dates went ahead without her 2) What was the real motivation of self-styled promoter Sandie West. 3) What exactly are West’s qualifications as an alleged film-maker 4) Where all the gig and merch money went 5) Who rifled Gal’s suitcase 6) Were the Federales involved at any stage and 7) Who is to blame for the sleeping arrangements that left Gal half-crippled? “This should be grounds for a law suit,” she fumes. Wattsie further calls for “clarification” as to why Jay The Tripod became known as the Cock-Blocker and why Clyde was renamed The Golden Shot. “Whose cock did Jay block and under what circumstances?” she fumes. “That's what I want to know. We need to see a plaster cast of it as evidence. And what is all this depraved goblet nonsense? The band’s good name could be at stake.” She insists that eye-witnesses such as Licky Lisa, Astrid Von Hinten, Mikie from Bad Ass, Gonzo and Diana Bird should be legally compelled to take the witness stand. Her final demand is for a cast-iron assurance that no more foreign trips take place without her. A spokesman for Lord Wastrel, Colin Gannon (for it is he) tells us: “His Lordship sympathises with Wattsie's concerns but feels unable to fund any grandiose inquiry. He feels hurt that our most successful foreign excursion since 1998 should be subject to this kind of malignant nit-picking. To be honest the whole thing is starting to get on his ancient, aristocratic tits.” Will Wastrel give Wattsie the assurance she wants, we ask? “He’d like to,” says Col. “But unfortunately that would bugger up Vegas in May, Mexico, Brazil and the East Coast mini-tour. Oh what a give-away...”

DEC 1. Noos: North West Calling is back in Manc on 30th June; confirmed bands for the all-dayer include Sham 69, The Adicts, the Angelic Upstarts, GBH, Ruts DC, Dirt Box Disco, Wonk Unit, Slaughter 2, Duncan Reid & The Big Heads, In Evil Hour & Heavy Drapes... Clyde Ward has demoed his and Gal’s brilliant brand spanking new Ska-Pop song ‘Shona & The Alien’, which is likely to be a track on the debut GBX album... And we are recording new Gonads track ‘Neville Staple’ for a compilation album released next year with the W/T Love Oi, Hate Racism. (Nev himself plays the Coventry Empire tonight for the Lord Mayor’s Charity Appeal; Jerry Dammers is DJing)...Tickets are now on sale for next year’s Madness House of Fun Butlin’s weekender at Minehead here.

Radical Noos: Boston punks Rebuilder have launched are raising cash for MALDEF, the Mexican-American Legal Defence & Education Fund, via a limited-run merch campaign. Last year, the band released a fundraising EP for the same cause, including a nifty cover of Elvis Costello’s ‘Radio, Radio’... Left-wing Texas punks MDC have released their first full-length album since 2004, it’s called Mein Trumpf... Louise Distras is back at work on her crowd-funded second album now that her smash hit tour with Itch from the King Blues has finished...

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