Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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March 31. Lord Waistrel and Miss Management today agreed to close this blog ahead of their peace negotiations “to stem the tidal wave of false information”. We will re-open after 25th April.
March 30. Gonads Verify have concluded that the ‘Waistrel set-list’ revealed on a Facebook reel is “almost certainly fake”. They break down the “rather strange set” into the knowns, the unknowns and the unlikely. They say, “The knowns include tracks from 1999’s Back & Barking and from the 1984 Official Bootleg, various new songs from the last 15 years, plus more obscure tracks such as Manifest-Oi (credited to ‘Oi The Robot’ on 1983’s Son Of Oi) and Reg & Ron (from 1990’s The Joys Of Oi, credited to Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys). The unknowns include Pegging Sue and C-W-S, which we have ascertained have both been written but never played, and there are two numbers that are unknown and also unlikely. Torture Me (With Your Finger) is completely unheard of, even by band members; Waistrel is known to enjoy ‘light bondage’ but we don’t believe this song exists. Ditto Hurrah for Nigel, which we believe is mendacious misdirection. Other notes: The best obscure song listed is probably Lord My Harry, a punk rock’n’roll number that was only ever recorded live. Charlton Belongs To Me was recorded during the Old Boots sessions in Fulham with Mickey Beaufoy on guitar but has never been released. But the inclusion of obviously fictious and malicious songs make us question the legitimacy of the whole so-called set. Our educated guess is that this list was compiled and published mischievously by someone with insider knowledge who is seeking to widen the rift between the Gonads and their esteemed proprietor. Possibly Waistrel’s ‘Moriarty’, the devious round-dodger Paul Devine.” Blimey. The cad!
March 29. The Gonads have angrily denounced Waistrel’s “ridiculous and unhelpful” reconciliation demands. A stoney-faced Wattsie told the blog “The Gonads have been a punk rock’n’roll band since 1977. Granted we have dabbled in ska, metal and even pop, but at heart we are punk and that will never change.” In a private briefing, the furious singer stated that she would never call off her legal case against her stalker Colin ‘Fat Col’ Gannon, and would certainly not be taking part in any unity marriage and/or honeymoon. “Even to be asked to consider such a thing is insulting and demeaning,” she said. Quite right. Maybe give the person responsible a firm thrashing (Stop! – Ed).
Elsewhere a reel posted on Facebook claimed to show a list of songs that Lord Waistrel allegedly wants us to play at Rebellion as part of any reconciliation deal and which we reproduce here in full. Warm-up music: Fly Me To The Moon (Sinatra), Little Ole Wine Drinker, Me (Dean Martin), Red Is A Mean Mean Colour (Cockney Rebel). The Ride Of The Valkyries (Wagner). Set: Back And Barking. The Lord My Harry. British Steel. Nemesis. Beki Bondage Please. Reg & Ron. Oi Nutter. Karl Marx Supported Millwall. Dogging In Dartford. Pegging Sue. Badly Done. Torture Me (With Your Finger). Hurrah For Nigel. C-W-S (Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda). Skinhead Girl. Beer Drinkers’ Medley. ManifestOi. Gob. Tucker’s Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers (Canadian mix). Valley Floyd Road. Patriotic medley: England In Our Blood/Line In The Sand/England’s Glory. Encore: Rise Up London Boys. Charlton Belongs To Me. Lights Out In Charlton. Play-off Music: The National Anthem. (All stand). We have referred this to Gonads Verify for their urgent attention.
March 28. Our Gonads Verify reporters have confirmed that his Lordship’s reconciliation demands, ahead of his meeting with Miss Management, will call for The Gonads to “move on from punk”, bring back flag girls and play a fundraising gig for “Canadian resistance” – believed to mean his WCR guerrillas. He also wants Wattsie to abandon her historic up-skirting complaint against Fat Col and for Miss M to agree to prioritise the Orgasm Guerrillas album and Gal’s Oi-Tone project. Further unconfirmed demands include a gig in Tel Aviv, a bonding “unity” marriage and/or honeymoon with ******* ***** (name redacted), a Punks For Dumping Trump festival in Washington DC and the reinstatement of TH as PM (described as “show-boating” by Gonads Verify who point out that would be a matter for the Pranksters, not the Gonads. In the real world, hopes of reinstatement for “TH” were firmly set back when still furious OOC members postponed a hearing that was due to take place on Sunday 30th).
March 27. Lord Waistrel today dismissed the “so-called leak scandal” as a glitch and then as “fake news” – despite Fat Col confirming that it was all true on Snapchat. However, Waistrel also said that his advisors would no longer use encrypted app Signal, saying that MySpace was safer as nobody was on it. In other news, a list of Waistrel’s demands for “a lasting settlement” with the Gonads were apparently leaked on TikTok. Our Gonads Verify team are investigating.
At an emergency meeting of Club 77 last night, members passed a motion condemning the leakers as “incompetent clowns”, calling for an investigation into this “unprecedented failure of band security protocols” and adding “Who would have thought the time that the Beast was managing the Gonads would ever be looked on as the good old days?” A motion to bring back the Beast was narrowly defeated but may be raised again at the AGM.
March 26. Lord Waistrel yesterday played down the growing leak scandal after Miss Management denounced his alternative management team for “sloppy, careless, incompetent behaviour”. Waistrel’s advisers are accused of discussing secret plans in a group chat that accidentally included top Vive Le Rock sleuth Chelsea Dom who subsequently published them. Speaking from an undisclosed location, Waistrel said his team “had not shared classified information with Mr Warwick” Dom and stood by his security adviser, and gentleman’s gentleman, Scrotum. Defence spokesman Martin Sporrell denounced Dom late on Monday, saying he had been “peddling hoaxes time and time again.” But yesterday morning Waistrel’s top intelligence official, Fat Col, conceded that the exchanges released by Dom were accurate. Miss Management told the blog, “The Gonads are opposed to any military action against the US government and equally opposed to enforced undemocratic changes to the band.” Gonads Verify experts were sceptical of Waistrel’s claim that the information shared by Sporrell ahead of the planned invasion was not classified given the life-or-death nature of the operation and the delicate state of his Lordship’s fractured relationship with the band. Said a spokeswoman, “This shocking development will add more tension to the forthcoming peace talks.”
March 25. Stop press. We can reveal that Lord Waistrel’s team have been exposed discussing classified information in a group chat after his Lordship’s security adviser and butler, Scrotum accidently included Chelsea Dom (aka The Grand Inquisitor) in the chat on Signal, an encrypted commercial app. The chat is also known to have included Effete El and Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) who is said to have shared information on timing and weaponry to be used in stealth attacks on targets in the USA after Waistrel’s Canuck Ruckers (WCR) guerrillas penetrate Trump’s northern border. The conversation, published online immediately by Dom, also included top secret plans to “change The Gonads beyond all recognition” and Waistrel’s own highly sensitive coulda-woulda-shoulda “to-do” list. The plans for the band are said to include line-up changes, a new musical direction, the return of flag girls and the recording of a provocative album called We Are The Business by The Gonads. Blimey.
March 23. Claims that Lord Waistrel has forged new alliances in Los Angeles to work on the abandoned Gonads film project are being investigated by our Gonads Verify service. So far, says a source, the investigators have been unable to stand up details of his Hollywood dealings, but they have discovered his Lordship has a significant stake in three inter-connected companies – Dering Films, Gonville Bromhead Publishing and Hitch Digital involved variously in film production, book publishing and games. The source adds, “Nothing is clear but it appears that Dering is positioning itself to get behind several movies, including Curry On Up The Gonads aka the punk rock ‘spinal crap’, and Harry May, the gritty true story of The Business and south London villainy.” Blimey.
March 22. The “witan” – the Church of Oi’s council of wisemen – are scheduled to meet tomorrow where they are expected to decide plans for St George’s Day in association with the Pranksters and their deputising WM, Effete El.
In other news: Lord Waistrel agrees to peace talks with Miss Management…and immigration officials bust Alvin Gibbs’s conspiracy theory about Subs’ US ban. The details. Waistrel has agreed to meet Miss Management either when he returns to the UK or in Saudi Arabia. The Gonads Verify services confirms that his Lordship is currently in Greenland for unknown reasons and reveal that, despite his tech stock losses, he is “flush with money”. Meanwhile, a well-placed US visa specialist has laughed off Alvin Gibbs’s suggestion that he and other Subs (guitarist Marc Carrey and drummer Stefan Haublein) were denied entry to the US because of his Facebook posts about Trump saying “the guy is deluded, does he think the administration have teams going through the posts of geriatric punks looking for slurs? Take a reality check, pal. If the Subs were a problem, Charlie would never have got in. My bet is they didn’t have the right visas.”
March 21. Shock news. A week of Nads ads brought in a pitiful profit of just a bullseye (£50 – Ed) which Slippery Ted ‘invested’ to win on Not Now Nathaniel in the 2.45 at Ludlow. Sadly, the undernourished nag was soundly thrashed by Ascending Lark. “The great Nads ad experiment has failed,” a stoney-faced Miss Management tells us. “Ted has had the Spanish Archer and I shall be asking Lord Waistrel to meet us for talks to try and find a path to reconciliation.” More news when we have it.
Members of the UK Subs were turned away from the United States after spending almost a day in the cells this week – despite having correct visas. Lord Waistrel’s lawyers have subsequently warned him that he too would be treated as an “undesirable” if he attempts to get past US border control under the current administration. Unimpressed, Waistrel replied, “I shan’t need a visa when I return to the Colonies because I shall be crossing the St. Clair River stealthily by night, accompanied by my fearsome Canuck Ruckers with their muskets, pipes and drums! For Canada and Empire! Beef and Liberty! Down with the Trump! Up with the cock! God save the King!”
Stop Press: We’re saddened to report that the PM’s old affliction has returned. The great man is once again in the grip of a corrosive, but hopefully temporary, mental relapse that has affected his judgement and clouded his memory. Convening last night, an emergency meeting of the Jolly Pranksters wished him well but voted unanimously to strip him of his grand rank until sanity returns – his robes, regalia and chain of office were of course confiscated. The OOC, the PPGB and the BME followed suit minutes later. He is henceforth to be known only as the DOB (daft old bugger) until he recovers. So mote it be.
March 20. Worried that the Gonads might collapse without Waistrel’s financial safety net (much like NATO without the Septics), the blog commissioned a financial efficiency review of the band, including performance management and a time and motion study. The results are not good. Investigators discovered more than 30 examples of how the Gonads are “foolishly and neglectfully” failing to generate enough income to break even. These include: 1) Travelling separately to gigs, especially foreign gigs, which means travel costs are disproportionately high and inefficient. 2) The band has had no tour vehicle since the Beast-mobile (which had an engine with a level of horsepower previously only associated with hair-dryers and lawnmowers). 3) Gigs being agreed for too low a fee. 4) Gigs going ahead with no merchandise on sale. 5) Merchandise brought to gigs being left behind due to excessive boozing. 6) A dearth of fresh merch and general reluctance to ‘man the stall’. 7) Time squandered in the recording studio, when the clock is running, by band members lingering in pubs and cafés eating fry-ups or adding absurd time-wasting instrumentals including basic banjo, one-finger piano, sitar, mandolins and a kazoo, most of which never made the cut… The rest of the report’s shock findings are mercifully redacted and not available to the public.
Gal’s PR, Fit Bird, has been moved to deny internet rumours of a relationship between Gal Gonad and Gwyneth Paltrow. “It was all one-sided, weren’t it?” she sniffs. “But Gal weren’t interested, was ’e? He still ain’t got over Gal Gadot, has he? Once Wonder Woman got that lasso of truth around him, he was toast.”
Correction. Chelsea Dom asks us to point out that he has never (and would never) write anything for VLR in exchange for a backstage pass. Just cash. We’re joking! Cash and cocaine. Sorry. Not true. The Grand Inquisitor is beyond corruption. He certainly wouldn’t have used his status to say, get a better pass and a better seat at Ally Pally recently, despite what our source in the DKM’s Midget Protection League tells us.
March 19. Feudal reactionary Lord Waistrel has been seen in the Yukon territory training his small but deadly Canadian guerrilla force (Waistrel’s Canuck Ruckers) for the inevitable war with Trump’s USA. At one point the great man was heard to cry “Die hard, the 57th, die hard!” an obscure reference to the 18th century 57th (West Middlesex) Regiment of Foot who fought against the Yanks in their war of independence before serving with extreme courage in the Peninsular War against the French. What’s going on? Opinions range from historians applauding his Lordship’s encyclopaedic military knowledge to claims that it’s a cryptic code. But passing ‘psychic’ Septic Peg warns “dark clouds are gathering, dark spirits arise, keep yer ’and on yer ’a’penny and unzip ’is flies”. We suspect we’re well out of it.
Nads ad: Exclusive! For full details of the wossname come to the, um, thingamajig tonight and, er, ask for, you know, the whatsit. She’ll be behind the thingummy, sitting on the doobry, and very open to whatchamacallit. Keep it schtum. Remember: loose lips sink thingamabobs. £30 ONO – Terence Hayes, PM.
March 18. Nads ad: Out now! Cock Sparrer: Shock Troops on vinyl with a gatefold sleeve in its originally proposed camouflage design, with lyric insert. The new release includes new liner notes by each member of the band. Two bonus cuts have been added in the form of the previously non-LP 45, England Belongs To Me/Argy Bargy – Captain Oi.
Nads ad: Available now: Sounds Of Glory volumes one and two, written by Garry ‘Gal Gonad’ Bushell, and published by New Haven in paperback and kindle formats. Hurry! Very few left! Volumes 3 and 4 coming at Christmas – New Haven Publishing.
Nads ad: Hey bands! Do you want publicity in Vive Le Rock, Britain’s last remaining hip punk rock’n’roll magazine? Well guarantee your street cred by contacting Chelsea Dom for a hard-hitting interview! No fee, just make sure that backstage pass is AAA – access all areas. Cross the Dom at your peril!
Keep this blog alive, buy an ad!! I’m on commission here people! – Slippery Ted.
March 17. Nads ad: Got a secret that’s eating you up inside? Need a listening ear but have nobody to talk to, nobody to trust? Then contact me and for just a couple of pints, and a mere £50-an-hour, you can tell me everything in the certain knowledge that it will go no further. Effete El – I’m listening.
March 16. To celebrate St Patrick’s Day properly tomorrow, join my highly cultured St Patrick Was English society today! Yes, for a mere £99.99 (p.a.) you can take part in the real St Paddy’s knees-up. Out go foul Guinness and whiskey, in come honest stout and gin, served with pie, mash and liquor or a full roast beef dinner (£5 extra). Irish slavers stole young Patrick from Monmouthshire (which was once in England, and will be again) and the whole fake Yankie-led green-Paddy virus has distorted the story of this fine English saint. Fat Col – for England, St George, St Edmund and the SPWE Society of Friends.
March 15. The following advertisements have been paid for by individuals to help keep this blog alive. We cannot vouch for their authenticity or reliability:
Nads Ad: Oi! Do you love the taste of veggie burgers but feel sorry for the poor vegetables that have to die, often screaming in pain, to feed your disgusting appetite? All that can change with Martin Sporrell’s pukka Alternative Veggie Burgers, made entirely from prime steak, lard and offal, seasoned with hand-squashed anchovies. Hey kids, leave those carrots alone! Stop picking on the little guy and start noshing Aggressive Gooner Burgers as recommended by Big Dan the Butcher.
Nads Ad: Flag Girls Wanted! Gonads flag girls are an elite troop of refined womenfolk who accompany the band on stage on moving numbers such as England’s Glory, British Steel and Line In The Sand. Previous flag girls have included Wattsie Watts, boxer Jane Couch MBE, model and actress Zoe Anderson, model and actress Vicky Thomas, and force of nature Ally Maverick. Some of these gutsy babes went on to become full band members or recording artists. So girls, if you think you have got what it takes to join this list of legends, apply directly to Colin Thackeray Gannon, Esq, c/o The Lord Herbert, Plumstead for auditions and coaching services.
Nads Ad: Cash for Cash! Send us your notes in a plain brown envelope and we’ll send them right back to you, minus commission, no questions asked – Slippery Ted, Nads HQ. To book your Nads Ad, email Ted via waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 14. With Brit-pop also-rans Gene due to announce a string of reunion shows next week, pressure is mounting on another obscure Brit-pop band, southeast London’s Miller, to get back together too. “Gene may have had a couple of hits but Miller were three streetpunk-loving casuals, loved by Morrissey,” reports our resident Brit-pop expert, Olly Morris, who adds, “They were a tight little herbert band out of the Cherry Orchard estate. At one stage Creation were keen on signing them until a short, sharp jail sentence for alleged hooliganism stopped their momentum.” Blimey.
Reader CS asks: Why was Fat Col seen walking on Plumstead Common yesterday “with a bloke who was wearing a cape and carrying a poncy water bottle”? We don’t know, CS, but we’re investigating…
March 14. News! There will be a follow-up to the Dirty Metal Gonads ep. Writing has begun on three “deadly serious” new tracks said to “occupy the space between TNT and Rose Tattoo”. Unconfirmed early whispers suggest the new songs could be Together, Teaser and McMighty.
Less seriously perhaps, known liar Fat Col has claimed to have “found Bert & Col’s demo tape” in an old shoe box in his Plumstead lock-up. Our new news service Gonads Verify reports: Bert & Col were an early 80s duo who were often likened to “a pathetique Chas & Dave” – just two chaps on piano and drums singing numbers like Contender, It’s Your Round and The Tunnel Song (aka Why Should I Pay To Drive Through The Dartford When I Can Get Through The Blackwall for Free). They wore swimming trunks and snorkels on stage, were reviewed favorably in Sounds by Garry Johnson, and turned down management offers from Dodgy Dave Long. Secret Records’ Martin Hooker was keen on signing them, but the Cockney pair allegedly called it a day when ITN wanted to film them because they reportedly felt such publicity would affect their benefits. Colin Gannon, a notorious convicted con artist, claims the cassette tape he has found contains demos of all three of the above songs, plus The Shoelace Shuffle, said to be “a celebration of round-dodging that would warm Lee Wilson’s heart”. If true, it would be a significant find for lovers of pathetique punk, The Beerdrop Explodes ‘herbert’ compilation and The Drunk Side of Oi Oi That’s Yer Lot. However, although Gannon was close to the act and is known to possess other historic items such as the acetate for the Gonads’ first single Stroke My Beachcomber, Baby, until our experts can examine the tape we cannot discount the possibility that this claim is fraudulent.” Over to you, fat boy.
March 13. Well we asked for your fund-raising ideas and they’re trickling in. The Pathetique wing of Club 77 suggest we should sell off Nads HQ and replace it with a circus tent, much like Man United are planning to do. Fat Col advocates the production of Gonads drinks – “Scrumpy-Pumpy strong dry cider and Fuckfast Tonic Wine” – and blow-up Yeti sex-dolls “for blokes who like bigger bouncier women”. And an anonymous contributor (Effete El) wants us to market Gonads prayer balls. Yes. Looks like we’ll be going back to taking ads then…
In Waistrel news, his Lordship, an Empire Loyalist, has renounced his old pal Donald Trump and is trying to inaugurate a troop of fighting Canadians in the spirit of Tucker’s Ruckers. Waistrel’s Canuck Ruckers would police future Gonads gigs in north America but their immediate purpose would be to cross into the USA and wreak “prankster havoc” on the economy. Waistrel fell out with Trump last weekend, labelling him an “economic incompetent” and “a threat to peace”. He claims he has been moved to take military action because of Trump’s tariff threats to Canada and certainly not because his tech shares have crashed like a North Sea cargo ship.
March 12. Hard times, folks. The great Gonads comeback could be derailed by a severe lack of band finances, writes our Scottish economic correspondent Doon Anoot. Her savage report finds that, with proprietor Waistrel diverting his funding into building up the new Tuckers’ Ruckers division to “secure defences”, neither the band nor the blog have the cash to cover basic necessities, such as curry, Paulaner, pork scratchings and less importantly rehearsals and recording sessions. An ashen-faced Slippery Ted (financial manager) tells the blog, “We have reached an existential crisis, we’re staring into a Rachel Reeves style black hole. So I am asking all band members, blog readers and Club 77 supporters to come up with ideas to raise the capital as a matter of urgency. There was only £100 in the kitty yesterday, now there’s nothing.” Sucking on a non-filter fag, Ted adds, “The blog may be forced to take adverts again.” Asked what happened to the £100, he replies sheepishly “I got a tip from Gal’s brother, Charlton Tel, and invested it all on Robbie’s Rock in the 16.40 at Cheltenham. The odds were good, 50/1, but the bastard nag came second…”
March 8. The blog’s triumphant return comes at a terrible price, for us at least, as we now have Fat Col on the dog every morning with fresh lies, dreams, hopes and schemes. His latest tasteless enterprise, inspired by the sad deaths of Rick Buckler and Brian James, is to open a book on ‘The Next Punk Icon To Peg Out’. Wattsie Watts has rightly condemned the betting stakes as “sick and twisted, like Col’s mind”, and we won’t be reproducing the runners and riders here as many of them are dear friends. Suffice to say you can get bloody good odds on BF.
News in brief: French Gonads debut gig off the cards for “at least six months”, delay blamed on promoter… John Lydon tells fans who want Never Mind The Bollocks 2, “Fuck off you idiots” … Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson “seriously considering” offer to produce Orgasm Guerrillas debut album… Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 game won’t include Bam Margera… Waistrel investing heavily in new Tucker’s Ruckers to ensure Gonads are “combat ready”… Fat Col slams Glastonbury 2025 line-up as “horrendous shite for middle class hippies ‘rebelling’ in their £10K luxury yurts”.
Theories about missing Jay Letendre, aka Tippy, aka Jay The Tripod, continue to spread like Gannon’s buttocks on an unstable barstool. American Gonads spokesman, Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa, tells is: “One of two things happened to Tripod. Either, having no documentation proving he’s a US citizen, ICE (US Immigration & Customs Enforcement) sent him to Gitmo. Or, Trump found out that he had successfully embezzled thousands of dollars from a small business and gave him a cabinet position.” Either, or… what a nightmare choice! Trapped in a confined space with deranged, homicidal maniacs… or held prisoner at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
Lady Gaga’s new album includes her single Abracadabra which samples Spellbound by Siouxsie & The Banshees. Steve Severin said last night, “It’s quite the eye-opener to be tangentially involved in a ‘modern’ hit single. Getting a songwriting credit on Gaga’s Abracadabra means we have to sign off on all “sync” requests. Grammys, Oscars, Super Bowl, NBA, MLB, Drag Race, Tik Tok & Spotify’s Little Monsters Day have all passed through Sev Towers in the past month! We know (and I’m sure they know), that it’s only a courtesy but at some point, I’m going to say NO – just for a lark. Just watch me.”
March 7. As promised, here is the post-crisis session of Ask Gal Anything. Question. Are the Gonads properly back? Answer. Yes but not for long. Rebellion will be our last UK gig for some time. I’m going to press pause for a bit. There is nothing inherently wrong with just playing the old familiar songs, but artistically, it’s suffocating and frustrating. You end up becoming a tribute band to your own back catalogue. I’d rather take a few chances for a while, and record different stuff. But for the immediate future, our final show will be Punk & Disorderly in Berlin this September, a loss-making venture as Lord Waistrel rightly pointed out.
Q. What would you most like to record next? A. Loonstompers 2, I’d love to do that. The Orgasm Guerrillas debut album excites me too, it could be a gamechanger. So much to do, so many plans, so much unsaid… It haunts me like a wound to the soul.
Q. What is stopping you from recording new material? A. Money aside, the hardest thing is finding the right studio. We worked with Pat Collier for so many years, and he was so attuned to what we were doing, it’s going to be very hard to replace him, especially as Clyde no longer has his studio.
Q. Will you bring back your Rancid Sounds radio show any time soon? A. If I had more free time, I’d definitely revive Rancid Sounds to try and give new bands a leg up. It’s a tough time for them. It’s never been easier to get your music out there but in reality, it’s never been harder to get it heard. But at the moment I am concentrating on the one-man show next month. Once I’ve done it, I will make other decisions.
Q. Can I still get tickets for the April show? A. No, the tickets ran out faster than a greased pig.
Q. Will the next Harry Tyler: The Face novel be the last? A. I have ideas for three more Harry stories, two of them pretty fleshed-out.
Q. You’re a venerated elder statesman of street music, and during your early, insurrectionary years, you were an important figure in 2-Tone, Oi, New Mod, NWOBHM etc. Should you be knighted? A. Don’t talk bollocks.
Q. How would you define your politics? A. Cynical and pessimistic. I’m not interested in getting involved in party politics or listening to wild conspiracy theories. I don’t want to be judged by other people’s actions or by their opinions. I will be judged by my own actions and my own stated opinions. I don’t care about your ethnicity or your sexuality – whatever gets you through the night, all that – all I care about is how good, reliable, honest and loyal you are. Nothing else matters.
March 6. STOP PRESS: US Gonads guitarist Tippy Jay has vanished amid wild claims of criminal activity. Our well-placed but anonymous Connecticut source, ‘EE’ (Eastfield Eddie) says “All we know for sure is he has gone off Facebook and Instagram, maybe he’s dead?” The other alternative is that the notorious cock-blocker is on the run from the law…or from people he owes money to. A fugitive in Trump Land… which would be a bloody good title for the future American Gonads album...
March 4. Literally minutes before the blog was due to close permanently last night, Gal Gonad dramatically intervened to keep it alive for another year. We’re told he found the funding “Rachel Reeves style” from the hitherto-unmentioned top-secret Gonads Wealth Fund. Our accountant, Slippery Ted states, “The money was set aside for ‘demonstratively productive investment’ after a particularly good day at Aintree in 2015.” And what could be more productive than the Gonads blog? (Don’t write in – Ed). Ted adds that he and Gal will consequently consider investing in a new line of profitable products like, he suggests, the long-promised Gonads annual or even a book of the blog with a foreword by a leading historian, although he admits, “Time might be against us for a 2025 publication”. For his part, Gal accepts that many of Lord Waistrel’s criticisms are valid. As part of a negotiated truce, he has agreed to submit to another Ask Gal Anything session to clear up the mess from this very public fall-out. A thoroughly unpleasant business. We will be back with an altogether more serious and business-like attitude in due course.
