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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


The Gonads Website

April 11. This blog is en route to Catalonia to celebrate the POUM, so we’re closed for at least a week. This is just as well as Paul SkaNad – furious at the odds on his marriage starting at 50/1 – has just sensationally pulled out of our Soho guerrilla show. “An’ this is why Gal is pulling the plugs on the band,” mutters a pissed-off Fit Bird. “Or at least this line-up...” Gertcha cow-son indeed. Someone please tell our all-female support act, Clitoris All-Sorts.

April 10. The news in headlines: Gonads set to play first ‘guerrilla gig’ in Soho this June; watch this space for details... fury mounts as Fat Col’s Rawhides UK get TV and radio play for their controversy-courting debut single, Khan’t Stand The Khan’t... and the new Members album to be released on 3rd May...

April 9. Cock Sparrer’s final album charted on its release last Friday following positive reviews in the Daily Mirror and Daily Express. Daryl Smith tells us that Hand On Heart entered the charts at number ten but dropped to 33 by midweek. Sparrer are now urging all fans to buy the record ASAP to give the band the Top 30 entry they so obviously deserve.

Newly elected Club 77 president Ed Butt is courting controversy by running a book on which two of the great Gonads family will be involved in a Vegas wedding ceremony next Easter. Band members were horrified to see that the early runners and riders include: Miss Management and Paul SkaNad 50/1, Fat Col & Wattsie 40/1, JC and Aitch 30/1, Fat Col & Fit Bird 20/1, Phil McDermott and “an airline hostess” 10/1, Wattsie and “some fallen rock star” 10/l, The PM & Wossname 8/1, Miss Management & Gal Gonad 5/1, Phil McDermott & the Yeti 5/1, Fat Col & Aileen Darling 3/1, Lord Waistrel & Sandie West 2/1, Fat Col & The Nosher 1/4. All other bets 100/1.

We hear disturbing reports that the Pranksters’ Eostre Festival included a tribute act to the ultra-violent Blackheath Foot & Death Morris Men. A shaken insider on a reverse-charges call told the blog: “A few axes were flying. Fat Col was involved. He and the dancers go back years. The lads were notorious at Summer Festivals in early 70s and were experts in civil insurrection. They were very much part of the ‘nasty band’ movement of the period and famously danced on stage with Skinner’s Rats at the Roundhouse.” We can also reveal that the aggro-loving hoofers narrowly escaped arrest after ejection from an Indian restaurant in Woolwich in 1971 “due to the role of a meat cleaver in the performance of their traditional English dance”, years before something similar happened to the Gonads in Lee High Road. The insider (Effete El) added, “A few of us feel that celebrating their thuggish heritage is a risky development for our fun-loving fraternal order.” Blimey.

This blog is shut temporarily. Back soon.

April 1st. Awesome exclusive news: There will be a wedding ceremony in Las Vegas next April (2025) involving two people strongly associated with the Gonads. And, even bigger and more exclusive news, Beyonce is seriously considering following her Cowboy Carter country-influenced album with a punk-powered one. A representative of Queen Bey’s management company phoned Gal’s PA Fit Bird directly about the project, due to be released in 2026. Off the record, and not to be leaked to the press, it seems Beyonce wants to record a Gonads cover but is torn between I Lost My Love To A UK Sub and South London Aggro Girl – “which she would relocate to South Central LA”. We are told she is also interested in adapting the Partisans’ I Never Needed You and The Specials’ Ghost Town. Miss Management told the blog: “She isn’t interested in the likes of the League or SLF but loves the down-to-earth warmth of the Gonads and Case. Remember today’s date because this band’s future has never looked brighter.” Blimey.

March 31. Yesterday’s Club 77 AGM turned emotional as members passed a motion calling on Gal to “quit his day job with immediate effect” and “concentrate on important things like the Big 69, the new Harry Tyler novel, the true story of Oi, and the long-promised Audience With live shows”. Multi-tasking club spokesman Effete El tells us: “These things need doing ASAP, the future never waits.” But Gal’s unusually stoney-faced PA Fit Bird explodes in anger when we call to tell her about it. “Are they having a bubble?” she yells. “All Gal gets from people is, ‘When are ya gonna write this?’ ‘When are ya gonna do that?’ ‘Can you write our 80,000-word book for tuppence ha’penny?’ It’s a fuckin’ joke. Someone just asked if he could write them a punk rock Xmas panto script by the middle of May. ’E wants to do most of them things, dun ’e, but ’e’s got bills to pay. So back off, shut the fuck up and be patient you tunnel-visioned twats.” Ouch.

The Gonads sincerely apologise to our loyal Club 77 supporters for Fit Bird’s unwarranted and unnecessary rudeness. Her words do not reflect the opinions of Gal or the band.

Other decisions expose the logic behind their unreasonable demand, however, as Club members also voted to condemn Gal’s decision to pull the plugs on the Gonads after the 229 Club show. An insider (you know who) whispers “They want to force Gal back in line. The mood is turning nasty and there is even wild talk of replacing him with James ‘JC’ Cruttwell, although nobody has thought that one through. Within six weeks we’d become a Gills band and be singing songs about peculiarly-named cats.”

Stop Press. Club 77 have voted to formally back the possible ‘Gonads 77’ AI-enhanced album project.

March 30. Khan’t Stand The Khan’t by The Rawhides UK premiered on TikTok last night and views are shooting through the roof, producer Clyde Ward tells us. It was 23,000 and rising at tea time with getting on for 600 shares – amazing figures for an unknown band fronted by Fat Col. Naturally it is has gone straight to his fat head. Gannon is already planning his next release “maybe a farmers protest anthem or a song condemning the Whitehall tossers who think all of us should lose an hour of sleep tonight for no apparent reason”. After his first Number One, Col says, he “will consider buying Charlton Athletic, standing for the PPGB (ML) and taking legal action against a certain bitter and twisted lemon-sucking woman who had slandered me for years.” (Olive from On The Buses? – Ed)

March 29. Happy Harold Shand Day (may he rise again). Today’s news: confounding his detractors, Fat Col last night unleashed the video for Khan’t Stand The Khan’t by his band, the Rawhides UK... Woolwich-based rapper Seb FC will guest on new Gonads song Summertime (although it’s not expected to be released this year)... and the revelation that Deep Purple composed their 1970 hit Black Night in “two drunken hours” prompts Gonads reply: What took you so long?...

March 28. Just a reminder that Cock Sparrer release their “final studio album”, Hand On Heart, on Friday 5th April. This will be followed by celebratory gigs at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire on Saturday the 6th, Glasgow’s O2 Academy on the 13th and the Southend Derby & Joan Club on the 20th. In other news, mid-priced tickets for Rebellion end on Sunday (31st March) at midnight. Tickets go to full price on Monday, 1st April. Perhaps as an April Fools’ joke, Rebellion have also announced that their literary stage will feature one Lee Wilson. Eh? What’s he written? Three 5am love letters to Beki Bondage and a bunch of IOUs? Unless... could Lee’s complete guide to round-dodging be about to be published after decades of intense research? Or maybe he is finally prepared to reveal the secrets of “Maggie’s little book” as referred to in Infa Riot’s Each Dawn I Die... Only time will tell.

A resurgent Fat Col confirms that the Rawhides UK’s debut single Khan’t Stand The Khan’t will be released on Friday 26th April. In a press release issued by Aileen Darling, the beer-gutted urban guerrilla is quoted saying that his band will never play Rebellion because “it’s just a mob of clapped-out hippies and group-think-addicted rent-a-mob tossers dodging work, soap and hygiene to live out some wanky weekend fantasy of OAP insurrection while agreeing with pretty much everything the establishment endorses.” Blimey.

The Pranksters’ Eostre festival will take place at That West Sussex Place over the weekend – delayed from the spring equinox. An internal bulletin urges brethren not to leak details to “hostile hacks or trouble-making blogs”. Quite so.

March 27. Furious Fat Col has doubled down on his support for an AI Gonads album, saying “The band are lazy bastards anyway and nothing ever gets organised. Where’s the Big 69 bash? Where is the farewell show in Charlton? It’s all promises and pie in the sky, and it’s time for change. At least machines get things done.” Col claims to have established two residences for his own band, the Rawhides. One in a Charlton working men’s club and the other in a Plumstead pub but he refuses to say where “in case undesirables like Wattsie turn up”. When we contacted Col for more details, his phone was answered by his curious-sounding ‘PR’, Aileen Darling, who claimed “Mr Gannon is reshaping popular music in his own bawdy image. It’s the sound of tomorrow.” Pressed for more info, she went on: “He is playing raw and vigorous kickass country rock versions of Gonads classics and thereby improving them, along with selected autobiographical songs such as Trappy Bird and Hard-Hearted Harlot.”

March 26. Fat Col’s Rawhides are racing around the clock to finish their Sadiq-Khan-bashing anthem Khan’t Stand The Khan’t. An insider whispers: “If they can get it finished tomorrow, there’s a strong chance it could be rush-released before the London Mayor election.”

March 25. Sources inside the Ministry Of Delusion report that their team of AI software technicians are “close” to finishing work on the so-called “lost” Gonads album from late 1977 – in other words the studio album that the original line-up would have released if they hadn’t split. A passing boffin explains “We have trained an algorithm using hours and hours of Gal Gonad’s a capella vocals, so we can now recreate Gal singing as he did when he was 21 or 22. We have modelled the songs on the raw punk music the Gonads were making at the very start with the help of restored cassette tapes of rehearsals and the band playing live in Charlton.” It is believed that the album, should Waistrel agree to it, would feature original Gonads songs that were only ever played live probably including, Lido Lady, Indus Road, Whelks, Antigallican Last Bell, Red Army, Becky’s Funky Monkey, Darling Harold, The Legend Of Sam Bartram, YCL Belle, Filthy Rich (Small Faces cover) and Clouds (a Pink Tent song dating from 1970). Other songs in the original set would have included our first single, Stroke My Beachcomber Baby and its B-side, Big Balls (an AC/DC cover), Rob A Bank (which was re-recorded in the noughties) and Run Run Run (which featured on the Syndicate live album). Speaking on behalf of the band, Miss Management called on Lord Waistrel to veto the project, saying, “AI is the opposite of punk rock. It is a licence to steal from artists and plagiarise. If Waistrel gets a taste for this, he could commission a whole new album without involving the band. We would have no option but to strike.” But Effete El (Club 77) tells us, “A lot of younger herberts would love to hear ‘Gonads: 1977’, even if it is a computerised approximation. And there are other later songs all of us would like to see recreated like Ripper’s Delight from the early 80s, Fire Down Under – which was stolen from Gal by the Business – and his and Clyde’s so-called banned track, Say What You Like” (a song so controversial many fear that to release it would see Gonads’ gigs banned all over Western Europe). Fat Col agrees, asking “Could AI be used to fake a John King book in favour of carnivores called Slaughterhouse Fayre? That would be a jolly jape.” Oaf.

March 23. The news in headlines: Dirty Metal Gonads confirm that Dirty Metal II will be recorded in June for an August release... Rated Philadelphia Ska band Catbite play the New Cross Inn on Monday... Cream Of The Crop “likely” to be the Gonads’ last London show... but Miss Management green-lights Summer guerilla gigs... Gal “to do one-man show” in Las Vegas next year... Carrie & The Coaxers to release new single Dirty Little Secret this summer... Lord Waistrel to launch film and TV production wing with Cockney comedian Micky Pugh...

Whispers and rumours: News that Gal and Clyde have agreed to meet Sandie West next weekend “if she comes to Sidcup” has infuriated Wattsie... West to turn the Cobber Joe scandal into a blockbuster movie called Pranked!... Gal secretly planning to relocate to California... Fat Col’s Rawhides racing to release Sadiq Khan bashing anthem Khan’t Stand The Khan’t before Mayoral election... ELF officially sever links with “Stalinist” PPGB...

March 22. We’re hearing rumours of a scandal within the Jolly Pranksters so shocking that it could tear the secretive brotherhood to shreds. According to our mole, who cannot be named, the scandal stems from Cobber Joe, a high-ranking Australian-born official of provisional grand rank, who, without consulting the PM, took the fabled Magna Iocularis (MI) from a sealed cabinet in Prankster HQ and displayed it in a six-month exhibition in Melbourne open only to members of the aligned Aussie organisation, the Wobbly Wallabies. The MI is said to date from the time of King Cnut, a founding member of the first ancient lodge, in the eleventh century – so long ago it is technically “pre-CH” (Charlie Harper). The hand-written volume, heavily illustrated with quilled cartoons, is highly revered by brethren worldwide for its comprehensive collection of jester zingers, peasant put-downs and detailed Anglo-Saxon pranks largely involving buckets of water and strategically placed cows. But it cannot be read without an advanced knowledge of Old English, a subject rarely taught in schools down under. Our confidential source (Effete El) whispers, “He charged the cost of the jaunt, £22,037, to the brethren. The money raised from visitor donations was 19 Australian Dollars. A net loss of more than £22,000... ” Shaking with fury, El then thundered, “Cobber Joe has conned the brethren, endangered the holy book and used the MI to justify a piss-taking six-month piss-up down under.” If the charges are proven, the accused faces the most severe penalty available to the PM under modern Prankster lore – a three-hour interview conducted by the Grand Inquisitor (Chelsea Dom) on the stage of the Bob Hope Theatre (Eltham) followed by being made to sit through every night of a two-month Rosie Jones stand-up tour, in the front row, without spittle-resistant protective clothing. An ashen-faced El whispers, “Many a guilty man would rather have their tongue torn out by the root and their body buried in the sand of the Thames at the low water mark than face such an inglorious indignity.” So mote it be.

March 15. Wattsie’s crack West-Watch team, working closely with the WRM (West Resistance Movement), report that hot-shot Hollywood producer Sandie West will touch down at Heathrow on or around the 27th March. For their own safety, band members and blog readers are advised to leave the capital for the duration of her trip, which hackers reveal will be around six days. The Gonads are heading “north, to the Shields”, Lord Waistrel will be staying in a fortified bunker on the estate of his pal, the Marquis of Chormondeley, and Tucker and his Ruckers will be “training” in the Brecon Beacons. Even Fat Col is fleeing Plumstead for the chillier pubs of Prague (where his dreams of hooking up with sophisticated singing barmaid Sona ‘Werkie’ Werks will of course be cruelly dashed). A grim-faced, unnamed WRM spokesman (Effete El) said, “This is deadly serious! West’s wild talk of arty film-making and Academy acclaim can turn the head of the naïve punk rocker. The only answer is to leg it now and keep legging it until the danger has passed. You have been warned!”

The Gonads WebsiteMarch 14. PPGB leader John King treats the threat of Fat Col’s break-away PPGB (ML) with the seriousness it deserves...

March 13. Here is a mishmash of questions and answers from various recent interviews Gal has given to fanzines, radio shows etc.

What has happened to the Curry On Up The Gonads film?

It’s gone. Kaput. It died on Venice Beach. It’s joined a long list of abandoned films, like Charlie Chaplin’s The Freak and Justice League: Mortal. Rumours that the whole operation was a tax dodge have yet to be investigated. Let’s just say the film was swallowed up by a chasm of creative differences. A shame. I’d still like to do it as it was originally conceived, as punk rock black comedy, and not the unclassifiable mess it was becoming. I’d also like to get the Harry Tyler film made. Amazon Prime, where are you?

Are you serious about the Gonads stopping touring at Christmas this year, and will there be any more Gonads albums after that?

Deadly serious. No more tours. We’ve practically stopped now. At the moment it looks like our last show will be at the 229 in October. There are times I think we should do a few guerrilla gigs this summer just for the hell of it but I have very little free time these days. If anyone does want us to play, get in touch quickly. We’ve been trying to get north east shows together for donkey’s years and god knows what happened with Bexhill.

There will be one last ‘pure punk’ album which will build on the legacy of Revolution Now; it’ll probably be release next year although there’s no rush. There is also a new DMG EP coming. And after that, I’m going to get cracking with the GB Experience album.

Will there be any more US shows?

It doesn’t look likely. Much as I’d love us to bow out in Vegas, we need a Nevada based promoter involved to make it happen.

What are your favourite Gonads songs of the Noughties?

Oi Mate, Gob and Hey You.

Not Oi Nutter?

That was late Nineties.

Okay, your ten favourite Gonads songs in the last ten years?

Federales. Ragman’s Trumpet. Indestructible Wolves. Fat Cat Splat. What’s Happening Now? Re-Infected. Rude Boy’s On The Rise. Promised Land. Glad To Be Alive. Barnet Betrayed. With Backstreet Army bubbling under.

Will there be a Prole album?

Yeah. As soon as Steve Kent can fit it in. The Orgasm Guerrillas album will be more of a challenge.

What is the truth about a Gonads TV show?

It’s very likely to happen this year. And I bet The Monkeys steal that from us too. Curse them and their blasted time machine.

When will we see your ventriloquism act with Wattsie Watts?

These things take a lot of intense rehearsal. We might do it on a variety bill later this year. I was talking to John King only last week about reviving the spirit of music hall, what the Yanks call vaudeville. It’s something we both want to do. Give us a shout if you know a young Tommy Trinder.

You promised us Sounds Of Glory volume three and four, where are they?

They’re coming. I’m putting them together carefully. No need to rush.

You’ve published 1979 Mod and 1979 Ska, when will we get 1980 Oi?

I’m taking special care with that one. We might film some of the interviews for posterity.

What of your novels are you most fond of?

Probably Hell Bent, which was a dark comic fantasy, strangely marketed as pulp fiction. All Or Nothing about the Knight brothers has legs. I’ve got the plot for the second book in my head.

What was the biggest influence on the early Gonads?

The Goons. The Faces. Slade. Max Romeo. The Yardbirds. Mott. Cream. The Covered End choir. The MC5. Little Richard. Marcia Griffiths. Charlie Drake. The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Angela Davis. Barbara Windsor and of course glam rock, pub rock, hard rock, the Clash and Ian Dury.

You seem to have upset a lot of people over the years, is that deliberate?

Have I? Oh well, bless ’em. Is it deliberate that I speak my mind? Is it deliberate that I think differently from the herd? I don’t think these are negative traits. Don’t be a sheep. People may like sheep, but sheep get eaten.

March 12. Defying our ban on politics, Fat Col rings to inform us that he is launching an exciting new political entity, the PPGB (ML) as a rival to the PPGB. What’s the ML stand for, we ask is it Marxist-Leninist? “Meat-lovers,” he responds. The phone goes dead.

March 10. Issues 4 to 9 of John King’s Verbal, the zine devoted to new fiction from beyond the mainstream, are now on sale from our shop page. It’s £5.50 for one (including p&p) or a generous “any three for £12” (UK prices).

Noos: Kim Gordon has released a video for Psychedelic Orgasm. “Sounds more like a psychedelic cement mixer,” snorts a passing Fat Col... Catbite are releasing “a deluxe re-issue” of their 2021 second album, Nice One; the re-issue features three songs from Catfite (the band’s HC alter-ego) and one from Catlite, their country spin-off... Starving Wolves release their new album, The Fire, The Wolf, The Fang on 3rd May... some people are asking why we haven’t mentioned that the Drowns brought out their debut album last month. The answer is one of these: the alarm clock didn’t go off... the dog ate our notebook... we had a raging hangover and completely forgot – we’re not fucking Reuters, all right?

Our Belgian gig has fallen through, with organisers promising we’ll be on next year’s bill, just as Rebellion Festival did. An emotional Effete El says “It’s almost like these people don’t believe that 2024 is the Gonads’ final year of playing live, but it very definitely is. It’s their loss, fuck ’em.”

Could the PPGB project be sunk before the ship has even left harbour? Stern-faced leader John King is building the party around his ten laws, saying that candidates will only have to agree with six of them. But steak-loving contrarian Fat Col (Reform UK reject) says “This system is unworkable. Six ticks are all very well, but when one of the laws commits the party to veganism it’s a catastrophic vote loser. Scientists have shown vegans consume insufficient calcium and vitamin D, leading to hair loss, weal bones, muscle wasting, skin rashes, supporting Chelsea, hypothyroidism, erectile dysfunction and anemia. Veganism as a personal choice is fine, albeit deranged. But try and impose it on the meat-loving masses like some deranged Maoist and you’ll be seen off at the business end of an Englishman’s sausage.” Col called on Gal to join Lord Waistrel in denouncing the “crypto-Stalinist” PPGB and “serial carrot killer King” and run for the Social Democratic Party or the freedom-loving English Liberation Front instead. The only other alternative, he said, was “to stand idly by and let the country go to rack and ruin like every other fucker.” (That’s enough politics – Ed).

March 9. Surprisingly, the great PPGB/ELF conference was serious and successful, writes our political correspondent Hugh Leque who adds ‘despite being covered only in a rather infantile blog, the event had depth and gravitas and may have significant real-world repercussions’. We cannot report the names of the pace-setting men and women present, but we can reveal that the PPGB plan to stand a minimum of ten candidates at the general election on a “patriotic working-class agenda”. A large contingent from the anarcho-syndicalist art guerrillas Alternative For Dreamland, disguised as boozing City businessmen, acted as a human shield for the discussions under the stern gaze of Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner), keeping snoops, spies, snappers and security service spooks away from the conference table at the bijou venue close to Charing Cross. More news when we have it.

March 8. Security is on high alert for today’s big PPGB/ELF post-budget and pre-election conference. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) says sternly, “This meeting is not public, and uninvited gatecrashers will be repelled with extreme but artistic prejudice.” Blimey.

March 7. Band Management have vetoed an article commissioned by Fat Col for this blog that defines the Gonads in terms of popular comedy characters. According to this offensive drivel, Gal started out as Wolfie Smith and has ended up as Jim Royle. Phil has gone from being Jack from On The Buses to Richard DeVere in To The Manor Born. Paul has morphed from a young Harold Steptoe to Grandad Trotter. JC has degenerated from Private Pike to Jack Douglas’s Alf Ippititimus, while Wattsie has gone from Daphne Honeybutt to Hyacinth Bucket. These insults are compounded by the Nosher having started as Vera Spigot (Up The Elephant & Round The Castle) and ending up like Lily Briggs in Yus My Dear. Ashen-faced blog spokesman Effete El (Walter from Nearest & Dearest) tells us, “There is no way that kind of insulting filth will appear on this blog.” Quite right too! Oh, hang on...

March 6. Well we’ve been sitting on this news for some time and now Jeff Turner has gone public we can confirm that the Cockney Rejects have broken up. But Jeff will carry the band on with Olga (Toydolls), JJ (The Last Resort) and Ray (Argy Bargy). Watch their social media for more news. There is no truth in the rumour that the Dirty Metal Gonads will now consist of Gal, Mick, Vince and Joe. Or is there?

More from Waistrel’s rambling 3,000word Telegraph interview. At one stage, his Lordship laid out his grand political vision with these key points: 1) Scrap the Commonwealth, re-build the Empire. 2) Restore the monarchy to the Tudor line (kick out the German pretenders, what?). 3) Restore Monmouthshire to England. 4) Restore feudalism. 5) Prosecute the Conservative party under the Trades Description Act (also prosecute the Labour Party and the Liberal Democrats, who, like the Socialist Workers Party, are neither).

March 5. Lord Waistrel speaks! Crusty reactionary Lord Waistrel has given an interview to His Majesty’s Daily Telegraph. Amid a long and rambling lament concerning the decline of Merrie England, His Lordship let slip that there will be no more Gonads acoustic gigs, that he has severed all links with Randale Records of southern Germany (and has not ruled out military reprisals) and that he will personally fund Gal’s Big 69 celebrations – the details of which remain a mystery, even to Gal. Waistrel wrote off Friday’s coming PPGB/ELF conference as “a waste of time, what, like trying to stop the tide with sand castles” and announced his decision to commission a collaboration with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra which would see his favourite tracks (Oi Nutter, Gob, South London Aggro Girl, Anal Intruder etc) re-interpreted by the full ensemble plus choir. “The combination of Gal’s tuneless warbling with the grandeur of the RPO and a conductor of the status of Pinchas Zukerman will deliver an unforgettable listening experience,” he threatened. Sorry, promised. His Lordship also dismissed Fat Col’s attempts to get Wattsie sacked, saying, “Ms Wattsie has done excellent work this year, not least in the ventriloquist sketch, her future in this great band is as secure as my fortune.” Waistrel then closed with an unexpected burst of song – a slightly amended Newton Neurotics cover: ‘Let’s kick out the Tories, the rulers of this land, for they are the enemy of the feudal Englishman!”

March 3. In major changes, Gal has appointed Bev Elliott (punk queen of Soho) as his personal manager; Miss Management will over-see his long-promised solo comedy activities... Joe Ward, aka Kid Punk, guests on episode 23 of Bushell On The Box, which is expected to drop on Wednesday; Joe will be discussing the wrestling scene and the problems facing young bands today... Friday’s PPGB/ELF conflab will be policed by the Margate-based anarchist art collective Alternative For Dreamland, who are proudly affiliated to the Ministry Of Delusion; an MOD spokesman told the blog, “This meeting is too important to leave anything to chance”; round-dodgers have been excluded... look away now, the Yeti is on OnlyFans... and the latest issue of Vive Le Rock, out tomorrow, has Cock Sparrer on the cover – the new (old) faces of pensioner punk.

Here’s the new single from Girth Control.

In other record news, Oi The Album will be re-released imminently on coloured vinyl... Desperate Measures release their new album, Sublime Destruction, on 22nd March... Captain Oi are re-issuing the first UK Subs albums (1979 – 1982) as a 5xCD box-set... and the complete Peter & The Test Tube Babies singles collection box-set is just days away... no news yet on the debut PROLE album which “will be recorded whenever Steve Kent is available” (2034? – Ed).

Fat Col, our man at the BRITS last night, reports: “The place was crawling with absolute cun... ” (That’s enough Fat Col – Ed)

March 2. Good news! Lord Waistrel has changed his mind and agreed to keep this blog open for “one more year”. Huzzah! Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, informs us the crusty feudal reactionary is also negotiating about “ha major gig in Belgium” later this year and is very keen on making a Vegas show happen. However, Eva – Waistrel’s eavesdropping scullery maid – adds that “’Is Lordship don’t want the British Gonads playing out there cos ’e says they’re far too uncouth for the Wynn ’otel, and ’e don’t want the American Gonads neither cos Tippy Jay owes Gal money” ($20 dollars, now $66 due to accrued interest). So who will be in the band that plays Vegas? “Gal, Clyde, Shira and the LA Gonads,” she replies. Wait, we cry, who the flamin’ feck are the LA Gonads? The phone goes dead.

Nadvert: Wanted! Amazonian Las Vegas based flag girls for “extra special” Big 69 gig. It’s the opportunity of a life-time. Be part of Oi Oi history! Get in touch now!

STOP PRESS. Fat Col has launched a two-pronged attack on what he calls “the enemies within this great band”. First he demanded that Waistrel should “kick Wattsie out” for snubbing last night’s band curry. “This so-called woman thinks she can ride roughshod over great Gonads’ traditions and do what the hell she pleases,” he thunders. “It’s an affront to her bandmates, an affront to Club 77 and an affront to Lord Waistrel himself. Sho must go!” Col also demanded that Waistrel “must order JC to stop singing backing vocals until Carrie teaches him how to hold an effing note.” Blimey. Col-watchers believe he used sophisticated drone technology to record Wattsie’ provocative boycott, and his ears to reach his damning conclusion about JC’s tuneless backing warbling.

March 1. Fears grow that the great PPGB/ELF alliance may fall apart before it’s even begun. One unnamed source whispers that the organisation’s respective leaders “took half a day to even agree a venue for their conference, tempers were fraying, I can tell you”. The anonymous ‘deep throat’ insider (Effete El) tells us that the meeting – scheduled for Friday – will be supervised by a peace-keeping UN unit led by “The Prof” and his east London enforcer, anarcho-skin poet Tim Wells...

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