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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


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The Gonads WebsiteAug 9. As our picture shows, in the days before facemasks, Gal had to improvise to protect fans from his many viruses and infections...

NADS ads: For sale! Fat Col’s all-purpose turd polisher. Brighten up any old shit with this miracle aerosol spray. Particularly effective on Infa-Riot albums. Yours for just £30 a can. Order direct from Turd World Enterprises, Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead.

Urgent Prankster Alert: Brethren are instructed not to cooperate with investigative newshound Russell Spam who is believed to be writing an explosive exposé about the secretive brotherhood and its proud history. According to Old Eric, a high-ranking East Sussex WM, Spam is “a fanatic and a fantasist” who believes “that the Jolly Pranksters were responsible for the Brexit vote, Boris Johnson’s election, Trump, 5G, Goth and – most damning of all – the career of Keith Lemon”. He is also thought to believe that senior pranksters such as Terence Hayes (DM), and Effete El (IPM), are “leprechauns in human form, sprites and pixies, not of woman born”. Brethren are warned that anyone who cooperates with “this pernicious project” risks “immediate expulsion”. So mote it be.

The Pranksters face a threat from a different source however. A hardcore purist grouping known as “i giullari ridenti” (the laughing jesters) based in an Italian brasserie in Penketh have condemned Grand Lodge for become “risk adverse and staid”. They are planning their own weekender which they promise will be “a riot of comic surrealism, anarchy, proper pathetique punk and angry satire”. Tickets are said to be “as rare as a Randale Records royalty statement”.

NOOS FLASH: Neville Staple’s From The Specials play the New Cross Inn on Saturday, 17th October.

Aug 8. The mild accusation of round-dodging, floated half in jest last weekend, has escalated into a major scandal after an eye-witness contacted Lord Waistrel directly. The witness (believed to have been Derby Ken) wrote to his Lordship claiming: “I was in the Hoppers Hut on Friday when a loud group of rowdies claiming to be the Gonads colonised an entire corner of the establishment. One member, who shall remain anonymous, swept into the pub with drumsticks in his pocket and generously bought drinks for the everyone in there. However when the bill came to be settled he craftily told the barman to ‘just split it’ with another tab – one belonging to another band member who I won’t name but who had a bushy beard and whose own tab had been for just three drinks. Imagine the shock to his or her system when this innocent bearded band member was presented with a £50 bill, while the mystery man with the drumsticks having paid ‘his half’ was conveniently in the khazi giggling...” Indeed. An ashen-faced Waistrel has quite rightly ordered a full enquiry but is the black cap of expulsion really on stand-by?

In other NOOS: fuck all is happening, and fuck all will continue to happen for some fucking time.

NADS ad: are you gullible? Our scientifically proven test kit can help you find out for sure. Just send £55.99 to Honest Colin Gannon, Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead. Cash preferred.

Aug 7. Happy birthday Pete Way. Most of Pete turned 69 today. His liver is 156.

Rumours and whispers: Gal and Clyde are up to something and it involves Gal learning Portuguese... Terence Hayes, PM, is up to something and it involves a three track solo EP “half-written, boldly forward-looking and unflinchingly politically incorrect”... Toots Hibbert is up to something and it involves Ziggy Marley and Ringo Starr! Their new version of Three Little Birds is out now, and Toots & The Maytals’ first new studio album for yonky-donks follows on 28th August.

NADS ad: having trouble sleeping? Try our new wonder drug, the MogaDom, an incredible talking tranquilizer which comes with a variety of Ted-style lectures (mostly involving Cock Sparrer or Chelsea FC) which are guaranteed to knock you out cold in three minutes flat. Available for just £20 a tab, from Shit-Drugs-R-Us, The Bush at the back of the Library, Bromley. (Govt warning: chronic use can lead to dependency... and transvestism).

Aug 3. Here is an unusual picture of Gal Gonad composing a new song, on a 12-string acoustic guitar(!), on Saturday. Observers say that such a number could not possibly be a Gonads ditty and suggest that Gal is probably perfecting the new Orgasm Guerrillas track Tear Down The Mirage. However insiders claim that he was actually working on Just Split The Bill (Round-dodger #2), “a tragic lament inspired by an unfortunate incident on Friday night”...

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Aug 1. Here are a couple more shots from last night, when we selflessly tried to kick-start the lockdown economy with beer, cider and curry purchases... as you can see we were at one point haunted by the tiny, shrinking spirit of Wattsie Watts...

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Fat Col says he intends to run for political office on a Male Rights ticket using the slogan “Make masculinity sexy again”. He has issued an apology “to all the women I have offended or upset”. Peeling an onion and choking back a tear, he added: “I have learned from my mistakes and I am pretty sure that I can repeat them.”

Random noos: the Stooges release a historic live recording Live At Goose Lake: August 8, 1970 next week via Third Man Records... Sick Of It All fans with cash to spare can once again snap up the special edition of When The Smoke Clears in a package that includes a 10inch with five new tracks, and a luxurious 60page art book full of rare pictures, iconic shots and liner notes from the likes of Matt Kelly (Dropkick Murphys), Davey Havok (AFI), Dennis Lyxzen (Refused), Chuck Ragan (Hot Water Music) and Arthur Smilios (Gorilla Biscuits). First released in 2016, it comes with a CD version from Germany’s Century Media Records.

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