Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
March 22. STOP PRESS! Important update re Gonads tour dates this year: Melkweg, Amsterdam, May 8; Poppodium Simplon, Groningen, May 9; Saitama Super Arena, Saitama, May 15; Nippon Budokan, Tokyo, May 16; Yokohama Arena, May 19; NSCI Dome, Mumbai, May 22; Indira Ghandi Arena, New Delhi, May 24; Aula Simfonia, Jakarta, May 29; Impact Arena, Bangkok, May 30; Zenith, Munich, June 5; Weiner Stadthaller, Vienna, June 6; Festhalle Bern, June 12; Swiss Life Hall, Hannover, June 13; Arkwright’s Bar, Rainham, June 19; Hopper’s Hut, Sidcup, June 20; The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel, June 25 (acoustic set); Olympic Stadium, Barcelona, June 27; O’Donnell’s Irish Pub, Calles de Mallorca, July 4; The Dome, Tufnell Park, December 12. All dates now POSTPONED until 2021 EXCEPT for The Dome, Tufnell Park. Tickets will be honoured.
Feb 19. STOP PRESS! Hold the front page and shut the front door! By order of Lord Waistrel this blog is now officially CLOSED and all Gonads’ activities have been SUSPENDED “for at least three months, probably longer”. His Lordship has instructed us to say that anyone wishing to book the Gonads between now and September should “contact the bally Yank shower instead”. We have no information about why this has happened and are under strict instruction not to speculate. Thanks to our webmistress Batttttty, cheers to all our grasses, snouts and informers, and to our lovers and groupies all we can say is... you could have put a bit more effort in. With heavy heart, goodbye for now chums.
Feb 18. This just in: yesterday brought grim news for Fat Col who was subjected to a “gruelling” kangaroo court – with an actual kangaroo! It was brought in from Lord Waistrel’s Hampshire estate and tasked with turning over the card that said “Guilty” (as both cards said “Guilty” there was little chance of the verdict going any other way). The case for the prosecution was put very eloquently by the Beast (et tu, Beastie?) who showed senior Pranksters a long list of Col’s texts and emails to Wattsie and a number of other “persecuted female victims”. Col’s quotes from this blog, and examples of his offensive graffiti and “up-skirt photographic studies”, were also distributed throughout the court. The Beast told them that Gannon had “the mind of a sewer”, and was “the kind of man who could not hear Gwyneth Paltrow talk about her vagina eggs without offering her penis sausage to go with it”. The defence counsel, a deaf and blind mute, was sadly unable to find the hearing. At one point Col shouted “I don’t recognise this court” only for usher Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) to snap “That’s cos it’s been redecorated” and knee him sharply in the nuts. At high noon precisely, Judge Shed sentenced the quivering wreck to the ultimate punishment – Gannon will be made to do a naked walk of shame in front of fifty Cockney barmaids, “preferably drunk and jeering,” – at the Pranksters’ grand Easter meet at That East Sussex Place. Col has also been banned from this blog, banned from communicating with Ms Wattsie Watts of Unobtainable Towers, Duck Pound Lane, Welling, and prohibited from having anything to do with the Gonads “in any capacity” for the foreseeable future. Asked if Colin could appeal, Judge Shed replied: “Only to a woman of poor eyesight, low IQ and lower self-esteem”. Although this harsh sentence is felt by many to be a good thing, some observers have doubts about how it might impact outside of the closed world of the secretive brethren. Whispers one mole: “With Wattsie gone, Col exiled and Terence Hayes recuperating from the debilitating effects of demonic possession, it looks as if this blog is under threat, not to mention the very existence of the Gonads themselves.” Blimey.
Feb 17. Random news, hot gossip and rumours: Lord Waistrel and Wattsie seen out on the town in Mayfair last night. Our spy in Fino’s Wine Bar tells us: “I couldn’t hear much but I did hear them agreeing that if the band ‘ever played again’ – Waistrel’s words – classics like Skinhead Girl, England’s Glory and Re-Infected must be included in the live set, and he was nodding when Wattsie demanded that your famous stage cock must be ‘fumigated and destroyed’,”... in other news, Gal is said to be “beyond furious” that he’s had to postpone, or possibly cancel his big Bushell’s Birthday Bash event this summer... the Street Dogs are reported to have broken up... Terence Hayes’s lengthy and painful exorcism at the hands of the Church Of Oi’s “fighting friar”, Freddy “The Ferret” Maloney, is rumoured to have been a complete success, although it has left him dazed and confused (condition normal – Ed); check back next week for the full report... Jim Iron & John Steel are writing a follow-up to Glory Boys, their popular 2016 Mod pulp fiction novel... our pals Doug & The Slugz, California’s first Oi band, are planning a London gig in August... Vixen77 have conjured up a new digital single called ‘Little Witch’... Waistrel wants DMG to play live and record a single... Scotland’s Paper Tigers will release their second album Traitors’ Hill later this year, a taster single ‘It Started As A Joke’ is out now, lambasting Trump, Boris and Katie Hopkins. Our first thought was to ring Fat Col for his reaction, but then we remembered he’s being held in a cramped Woolwich bondage dungeon ahead of his trial today. Effete El says wistfully: “Col started as a joke too but look at him now – public enemy number fucking one... it’s beyond sad.”
Glen Matlock calls with the revelation that Blank Generation by Richard Hell & The Voidoids was nicked wholesale from a much earlier Bob McFadden & Dor song satirising beatniks called Beat Generation. Check it out – total rip-off! We start telling him about how the Monkees stole SE7 Dole Day from us by using a time machine and the line goes dead. Curse you, Storm Dennis. No matter. The next bod on the line was George Benson, and we’re not even kidding.
Feb 15. Justice at last! Fat Col may have evaded the Old Bill yesterday but he was nabbed by someone a damn sight scarier. Yes, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) seized the lard-bellied loon when he stopped for 16 pints and a treble chicken and “brassica medley” curry with rice, chips and poppadoms in the Roca Mangal up the top of Shooter’s Hill. Eyewitnesses described what happened next as the “St Valentine’s Day brassica”. Long story short, a severely battered Gannon never made it the half mile down the wrong side of the hill to Wattsie’s bijou drum. Instead he was taken into custody by the so-called Elite Brethren (the military wing of the Church of Oi) and delivered, quaking, into the keep of the Woolwich Pranksters. Colin is expected to be tried, found guilty and sentenced on Monday morning. His case will be heard ahead of the trial of the satanically possessed Terence Hayes (XM) who faces possible expulsion from the Brotherhood.
PS. Col was found to be in possession of a notebook which contained a list of Wattsie’s “possible replacements” (two of whom appeared to have no musical background but were simply models from the Sunday Sport). The list also included phone numbers for former Gonads, including Mark McMighty, an emergency number for the Gonads’ much-missed tour manager FB and several rather poor tips for the 3.50 at Haydock.
Feb 14. A tale of two Gonads: the American band start regular gigging next month, the English line-up couldn’t even agree a single date in the next six weeks to REHEARSE! Laughing former Gonad, Wattsie Watts tells us: “Yet another fiasco! But why are they trying to rehearse when you haven’t even got a gig? If I were still in the band I’d refuse to go.” Will she be quite so cheerful though later today when Fat Col knocks at her door with her Valentine’s Day “gift”? The flabby fool has been boasting to anyone who’d listen that he was going to turn up in a flasher’s mac with nothing underneath except “the last turkey in the shop”. (Turkey? Slug, surely? – Ed). He never learns. Col’s traditional Tesco Value card is in the post but will the message inside top his all-time best – ‘Our love is like something out of a Western, I suppose a blow-job is out of the question?’
Feb 13. Wattsie Watts last night pledged to take legal action against Fat Col for the "shocking and unnecessary" pictures posted here yesterday. "Up-skirting is a crime," she fumed, adding: "I shall speak to the Beast if Col is lucky and the Old Bill if he isn't." She went on: "Richie Rocker is right. Colin's persistent and unacceptable sexual harassment is another reason I've had enough of the band and its hangers-on. It's not right for a grown man to behave like Sid The Sexist. I'm sick of returning his unsavoury Valentine's Day gifts. God only knows why that sock was so stiff." Elsewhere the crisis grows with the satanically possessed Terence Hayes claiming (falsely) that Waistrel wants to axe Phil McBadoe too. Things are getting out of hand, says a Nads HQ insider, "but with Wattsie gone, Clyde abroad and Gal recuperating what can be done? We tried contacting Lord Waistrel but he is off with his pal Boris Johnson trying to persuade him to build a £500billion undersea motorway that would connect Liverpool to Greenland and then Greenland to NewFoundland." Fascinating.
Feb 12. Vultures are circling the remains of the Gonads following la belle Wattsie’s brusque but demure departure – and the fattest of them all is Colin Gannon. Col re-emerged yesterday in the Bugle in Charlton Village telling everyone he met that he has begged Lord Waistrel to SACK the existing line-up and replace them with Nacho Jase and Mick Maverick – “proper rock ’n’ rollers who would no more turn down a gig than they would sell their first born into slavery,” he chortled. The oaf did qualify this by saying “Obviously this solution does not include South Coast Steve (aka The Midnight Mumbler – Ed) who is generally as welcome in London town as Storm Ciara”. Others aren’t as pleased with Col as he is with himself, however. Liverpool’s leading Gonads loyalist Richie Rocker asks: “Has anyone questioned Gannon’s involvement with Wattsie’s decision to quit? His constant chasing of her was taking on Play Misty For Me proportions. And surely offering to “Tikka from behind” at the last curry night was the final straw?
The best pair of legs in Oi cannot be allowed to just fade away. We demand that Wattsie Watts returns, and that Gannon should be locked away for six months with only the second Infa Riot album and the speeches of Jeremy Corbyn for company”. Harsh we feel, but fair.
The best pair of legs in Oi, though. Can this be true? We'll let *you* decide, from these snatched pictures by Fat Col. The Yeti turned a few heads when she turned up at rehearsals in Daisy Duke style hot-pants that time. And quite a few stomachs too. The debate about Wattsie’s big walk-out rages on in the comments on our Facebook page. Nick Parker says “it’s like a plot from EastEnders”, while Judge Shed himself opines: “The Gonads without Wattsie is like Terry without June – she’s irreplaceable.”
Feb 11. Wattsie Watts is standing by her shock decision to quit the Gonads, and has upped the ante by revealing that even the band’s famous Curry Nights piss her off. She told a close friend: “They’d much rather scoff a ruby than play a gig. I don’t even like curry! I just go to keep the peace. Then they’ll sit around drinking beer and making great plans that come to nothing. Not one of them gets off their arse and does anything, except buy more beer.” Fair point. Gonads fans around the world have reacted with sadness, except for the satanically possessed Terence Hayes who claimed it was always Gal’s plan to drive her out and replace her with Carrie Griffiths and the American Gonads who immediately asked her to join them. The US line-up have two gigs in the next month. Meanwhile back home, as if to prove Wattsie’s point, the real Gonads have had to decline a big Welling gig in July due to “availability clashes”.
Feb 10. STOP PRESS. Wattsie Watts has quit the Gonads. The furious Cockney song-bird handed in her notice at Nads HQ earlier today after condemning the band’s “pathetic inability to organise gigs”. Her shock decision came after learning that other band members were unavailable for ANY Saturday night show in May or June. Wattsie told this blog: “Honestly, it’s a farce – the American Gonads get more gigs than we do! Everyone moans because we’re not doing as much as we should be, but as soon as dates are offered at least one of these clowns can’t make it.” Wattsie laid the blame on “members who have second or in some cases third bands and seem to put them before the Gonads when they should thank their lucky stars to be associated with us”. She also hit out at “unresponsive, ineffective band management.” Several gigs have fallen through in recent months either through band unavailability (London in May, Bedford in June), ill-health (Brighton last year) or cancellations (France in November). A whole US tour was abandoned because of “intolerable squabbling”. An ashen-faced Miss Management is attempting to talk Wattsie round, but a source close to the singer told us “She is unlikely to change her mind, unless Miss M can come up with some actual dates pretty damn quickly”. Wattsie is believed to be in talks with former members of Chislehurst-based Gonads tribute band the Go-Mads about reforming as Wattsie Watts & The Go-Mads. We called Fat Col for comment but he appeared to be sobbing into his pillow. More news when we have it.
Feb 9. Something special, something moving, something close to a secular miracle happened overnight, pals. At 5.55am precisely, Gal opened his eyes and snapped into full consciousness. According to his nurse Tessa Tickle, RN, he stole a pen and started furiously scribbling down a list of authentic plans for this year. His bona fide “Big Seven” pledges are: *A 40th anniversary Oi album will be released in December, featuring the greatest streetpunk bands from all over the world (and us).
*The Gonads will headline a unique live “gathering” in London this Summer, with special guests.
*We will also record and release a 2020 Christmas single.
*GBX are coming back, and work has started on new recordings.
*GBX will be available for special “interactive” events, details to follow.
*The SkaNads will also return but as an entirely separate band in their own right.
*Work has also started on the definitive 40th anniversary Oi book which may coincide with the album but, he notes ‘getting it right is better than getting it quick’.
Immediate reactions to these plans have been largely positive and in some cases euphoric, writes our news correspondent Fleet Scribbler. “It’s what we’ve been waiting for, for months,” said Club 77’s Billy “Boy” McCauley. Only Colin “Fat Col” Gannon seemed disappointed. Col rang from his hiding place to complain that there was no mention of his 18 Stone Of Dynamite album or the long promised “book of the blog” but then you can’t have everything. After he finished speed writing, Gal slumped back into his pillow and “started snoring like an asthmatic walrus”. Nurse Tickle reports that he is out of his coma for good but will need a period of rest and recuperation. For that reason alone, this blog will return to a state of inactivity from today.
But while we’re here, take this news and run it up your flag-pole: Le Beat Bespoke moves into Hackney over Easter with a live show at Oslo in Kingsland starring KING KHAN AND THE SHRINES (Friday 10thApril ), THE KAISERS (Sat) and WOLF PEOPLE’s farewell show on Sunday 12th, supported by Oh! Gunquit, Craig Shaw & The Excellos, Donkey Laugh and The Hanging Stars. Their free all ages Saturday afternoon showcase features The Colour Collection (Holland) and GoGo Loco. The alldayer also includes a vintage market, DJs and grub. Then follow the psychedelic lollipop lady who will lead the conga over the road to Paper Dress Vintage for the late night after-show parties and guest club nights. Making their UK Debut there are Yank bands THE ELECTRIC LOOKING GLASS (from LA) & SHADOW SHOW (Detroit). Go-Go dancers and a dynamic DJ line-up will keep you grooving until 4am each night across 3 different party rooms. The programme is here
On sale now from Oi! The Boat Records: Concrete Elite’s Absolute Guard ep, Brassknuckle Boys’ Five On One 7inch, and The Torch ep from New York’s The Press – RIP Andre Schlesinger, the first American Gonad, who died four years ago on Tuesday.
STOP PRESS. Marketing genius Paul “Stalin” Hallam calls. The launch party for Gal’s 2-Tone and Mod books, which was put back from December to February and then March, has now been postponed until April. He does not say which year.
Feb 8. Doom hangs over us like the sword of Damocles. There’s just one more day to go before we learn our fate. In the meantime, here’s a poster for the big Bedford summer shindig, optimistically featuring the East End Badoes.
In other news: the Drowns album Under Tension from Pirates Press is out now and it’s a belter. Produced by Ted Hutt, this is proper street rock n roll from Seattle.
Feb 7. Worrying news, chums. Lord Waistrel, the feudal aristocrat who owns this band, this blog and our very souls, has decreed that he is “bored beyond senseless” by the ongoing coma crisis. He tells us that if Gal hasn’t “snapped out of it” by Sunday, he has instructed Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) to “pull the bally plugs” – which would mean the end of Gal, the end of the Gonads and the end of this blog. Everything we love and stand for now hangs perilously in the balance. However, Waistrel seems far less concerned about the fate of Terence Hayes (formerly DM, now demoted to ‘WM pending expulsion’). Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, tells us: “’Is Lordship don’t mind hif Mr ’Ayes has gorn over to the dark side, as ’e ’imself is that way hincluned... just has long as Mr Terry is worshipping a feudal Lucifer hand not a new-fangled free market or corporate one.” Till Sunday, pals. Retro ad victoriam! Stay strong!
Feb 6. Human Punk have asked us to plug this racket. The lads are desperately worried about the DM’s comatose state though. What if he doesn’t come round in time? Or, gulp, ever? Mercifully the Badoes have got a contingency plan. Guitarist JC Cruttwell tells us that if the worst comes to the worst they will replace El Tel with Colin ‘Fat Col’ Gannon. “Although Col is Charlton till he dies, his ‘no-one likes me, I don’t care’ attitude fits right in with us,” he says. Out of the frying pan into the fire, mate... P.S. Tickets from here.
Feb 5. We have studied Fat Col’s alleged Jolly Prankster exchanges at great length, and although we are restricted in what we can say about them, we find it extremely hard to believe that the brethren’s secret ceremonies would include questions such as “Are you tooled up?” (Response: “You fuckin’ wanna be!”). And the idea that grown men of advancing years in shadowy lodges would exchange lines like “What have we got?”, to the response “Fuck all!” seems frankly far-fetched. Also surely invented is Col’s claim that 1) Barney Rubble’s Beans is recited as part of the Prankster’s so-called “third degree”, 2) Their closing hymn is: “Saying goodbye to his horse” (“To his horse! To his horse!” and 3) Prankster “lodges of insurrection” resound to phrases such as “keep it on a chummy one”, “lip up fatty!”, “we’re firm-handed, pal”, and “holding back, holding back until the time is right”. (Although we are fully prepared to believe the “Herbert-handed” brotherhood would chant: “Have you seen the butterfly on the windowsill, John?”.)
Our experts have also diligently investigated Col’s so-called “authentic Gonads plans” for the year. They report that they are “largely nonsense... a mix of bland guesswork and absurdities... more like a wish-list than a strategy to move this great band up a division” (from National League South to National League? – Ed). One sheet claims that 1) Gannon will replace Gal as singer by Easter, 2) we’ll be playing a residency in his Plumstead local and 3) We will release a cover of Johnny Reggae by the Piglets. Another sheet maintains that Waistrel has assigned Gannon to “audition” women for the roles of ‘Sheena and Sharona’,” (allegedly the band’s new “topless backing singers) “to square the circle of Shona, Shira and Shayna”. A third contains details of Miss Management’s marriage to an unexpected husband, with spanking pad specifications. This, the Beast tells us, is all “absolute tripe” concocted for Col’s own seedy purposes. “A mighty retribution must be delivered,” adds Judge Shed. To this end the brotherhood have been alerted, Martin Sporrell is on the prowl and Col has “disappeared into fat air”. So mote it be.
Feb 4. Fat Col has pushed his luck too far this time. The chunky wide-boy has been caught out trying to sell two dubious exclusives to the gutter press. One is said to be the detailed list of Gonads plans for 2020 “lost by Miss Management”; the second and potentially a much riskier document is a pamphlet that Gannon claims contains “the secret codes and ceremonial phrases used by the Jolly Pranksters in their lodges, snugs, snooker halls, poker dens and temples”. Col came unstuck because the first newspaper news desk he approached just happened to be manned by staunch Gonads fans who immediately alerted our legal advisors Geno Blue and The Beast. More news when we have it.
Feb 3. Book launch update: this just in – the December 2019 launch party for Gal’s 40th anniversary books on New Mod and 2-Tone, which was postponed until February, will now happen in “late March” according to on the ball publisher Paul “Stalin” Hallam. (We wouldn’t bet on it – Cynical Ed). Says Fit Bird: “Frustratin’ yeah, but on the plus side by the time it blummin’ well ’appens Gal’s next book might be out. ’E might even be out of ’is coma.”
The Mousetrap club – one of London’s best-kept secrets, beloved by ace faces and hip pranksters – is celebrating its 29th year at the same venue this year by giving everyone who attends their March 7th party night a FREE VINYL 45 with two tracks from the club’s stellar playlist. The unique oasis, in a small corner of Finsbury Park, North London, plays original vinyl 45s in its atmospheric basement club. Be in with the in crowd at the Orleans on the Seven Sisters Road; tickets from here.
Feb 2. While the real Gonads are in disarray, the American Gonads – pictured here with their mystery backer Eileen O’Donnell – are gearing up for their first US shows. Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa told this blog: “We are sounding great and we’re not going away. UK dates are a possibility too. If the English band aren’t playing then WE are the Gonads!” Gulp.
Back in London, an emergency band meeting has been called to vote on whether or not to jolt Gal out of his coma by plunging a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline straight into his heart “like Vincent did to Mia in a drug dealer’s den on Pulp Fiction”. Our medical expert nurse Tessa Tickle, RN, tells us that doing so would “involve considerable risks”. She adds: “After all not long after Vincent saves Mia he is gunned down by Butch after taking a dump when two pieces of toast pop up violently.” Her advice? “If you proceed with this option make sure the needle is clean, the drug dealer can keep schtum and any toaster is switched off.” Very sage.
Coming soon from Pirates Press: The Old Firm Casuals’ This Means War on gold vinyl and silver vinyl.
Feb 1. We’re hearing reports of last night’s huge Jolly Pranksters’ gathering to celebrate “Liberation Day” – the stout-hearted English brethren may be apolitical but as regular readers well know they have campaigned for Brexit longer and harder than Fat Col has been campaigning for Wattsie’s heart, and with considerably more success. Prankster lodges came from all parts of the UK to a farm in North West Kent for the all-night knees-up – described by teary Effete El (acting PM) as “a wonderful, drunken phantasmagoria” (no idea – Ed). They were joined by affiliated pearly kings and queens, circus wrestlers, the Comedians Golfing Society, Booze-Hounds Against Round-Dodgers, rude boys, ruder girls, stable boys, unstable girls and many more as well as delegates from fraternal organisations all over Europe and even as far away as Australia (cheers to Big Walt and the Wagga Wagga Wafflers). Taking the stage, El told the cheering throng “it wasn’t the people or culture of Europe that we opposed but the small-minded, undemocratic domineering nature of the EU... but tonight, at last, we are free”. There were fireworks, a magnificent “ultra-carnivorous” festive board and a huge bonfire complete with burning dummies of John Bercow, Jean-Claude Juncker, “Terry F***ing Christian” and for some unexplained reason Sandie West, Hollywood Pest. DJs in separate barns played Ska, punk, Oi and Northern soul. El, so sloshed that he’d forgotten the Pranksters had banned this blog from covering their activities, told our anonymous source (Charlton Tel): “There would have been more of us, but we sent a crack platoon to Parliament Square to meet up with John King’s Beer Monster Elite and the PPGB”. The gathering went on until sunrise, fuelled largely by English cider, strong ales, scooterist-supplied amphetamines and the eye-wateringly beautiful and artistic choreography of the Lap-Dancers for Liberation (Lewisham branch). There were only two moments of controversy – first when shadowy folk from the ELF (Swanley branch) discharged their weapons into the air at 11pm, and then when a small weasel-eyed party of self-styled “Satan’s Slaves” rolled up from Southend wearing M35 steel helmets and claiming to represent the still comatose DM. They were escorted from the premises with excessive force by crag-jawed Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) “for their own safety”. Said El. “We don’t want their sort here.” Right and all.
Gal may be out for the count, but there may still be some pukka Gonads news coming because Miss Management took copious notes of all the decisions made by the band at Curry Night. Hurrah! There were footnotes, diagrams, detailed references and annotations. So all we need her to do is find those notes and tell us exactly what we said. Over to you Miss M... Miss M? Sarah? Lost? What do you mean they’re bleedin’ lost? Oh FFS...