Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Oct 19. Stand firm, people: our New Cross Inn gig next month is still ON! The management tell us: “Rather than throwing the towel in, we've re-evaluated, spent a bunch of money on more seating and smaller tables, and have ensured all gigs are Tier 2 Covid compliant. All ticket holders will receive an email asking for breakdowns of their household/support bubbles, so everything is as safe and compliant as possible. Once we have the delivery, more tickets will be released as singles, rather than tables, with a disclaimer saying you can sit with people in your household only.”
Oct 18. Sad news. Our spiritual leader Terence Hayes, DM, is beset with crippling knee pain and urgently needs an operation that the NHS is unlikely to provide for at least a year. Fat Col plans to organise a benefit gig to fund an emergency private op but blames “our government of clowns, Sadiq Khunt and the effin’ BBC” for making that unlikely in the near future. He tells us, “The agony is so great that Tel can no longer tuck his knees into his chest and lean forward, and that’s just how he rolls.” Ouch. Send us your fund-raising ideas and he’ll get to work.
Speaking of the fat fool, Col has co-written two more subtle new numbers for his 18 Stones Of Dynamite project with Clyde Ward (who should know better). They are Wanking On Sunshine and The Schlong Goodbye. “We’re gonna do a video for Wanking,” Col chortles. “We just need to find the right bird to play Sunshine.” Oaf.
In left of centre noos… Swedish Marxists Randy have re-leased their 1996 album, said to be “the fastest punk record ever made”. It’s now available again on vinyl, from Spain’s La Agonia De Vivir label… closer to home, there are still copies available of the Newtown Neurotics comp Kick Out! It comprises their first six singles including Hypocrite, When The Oil Runs Out and Kick Out The Tories (how’s that working for you, guys?) plus their Andy Is A Corporatist/Mindless Violence mix from 1983’s Son Of Oi! comp. The limited-edition album comes with a 32page booklet of photos, reviews, interviews and more…
In a less politically correct development, we hear of plans to release a Thug Rock compilation next year called No One Likes Us, “for bands who could never play Rebellion”. It describes itself as “music for convicts, headcases, rule-breakers and thieves… definitely not for cry-babies”.
Record Noos: The Bouncing Souls have just released Bouncing Souls Volume 2 on colour vinyl, a second collection of their best ditties – including Gone, Hopeless Romantic, and Argyle – “re-imagined in new forms”; it’s available now from Pure Noise Entertainment… Cock Sparrer’s Running Riot In '84 has just been re-issued by Pirates Press on 180g Vinyl LP. The band’s follow-up to Shock Troops was released by Syndicate in 1984 and then re-released by Link, Step-1, Captain Oi, Taang and Pirates Press (in 2010). Tracks include Price Too High To Pay, The Sun Says and Run With The Blind.
Oct 17. Some good news: the case for Gal Gonad’s expulsion from this great band was thrown out yesterday following the intervention of Terence Hayes, DM, who, like Tyrion in Game Of Thrones, acts as advisor to the mighty – in this instance Lord Waistrel. Dutifully briefed over a bucket of Chateauneuf du Pape, his Lordship ruled that “regretfully” a gentleman is no longer responsible for his wife’s activities (in this case, playing walking football for Crystal Fucking Palace) as it is no longer the 1950s (up to that point, Waistrel hadn’t noticed). It helped that defence barrister Amal Inn was able to prove that a “traumatised” Gonad and Leah McCaffrey had met officials at The Valley, Floyd Road, around this time in 2019 to try and convince them to set up their own over-40s women’s walking football team. Come on you slow coach Reds!
Here is Miss Management’s winning performance as STAN LAUREL in last weekend’s Curry Night Impressions Contest. Miss M triumphed over Paul SkaNad’s tight-fisted Lee Wilson, Phil Fury’s debonaire Dean Martin and Wattsie’s demented David Icke. Is New Cross another fine mess she’s gotten us into?
Gig update: we’re sorry chaps but we don’t know yet how our November 13th gig will play out. We are still intent on playing and are proceeding on the basis that the illogical London-wide tier two status will have been downgraded by then. Here’s hoping. In the meantime, seriously, Sadiq Khan stop wrecking our great city and sod off.
Prankster Alert: there will be special Smash The Lockdown event next Saturday (Oct 24) at That Other Essex Place. See your Tyler for details.
Oct 16. It's coming... like Christmas... the incredible new festive mini-album, Give Her A Dog For Christmas by The Gonads Vs GBX... Santa comes to south London and gets sozzled... out two weeks from now. You lucky people! Cop an earful here:
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Oct 15. A “hurt” Paul SkaNad today dismissed accusations of suspected round-dodging as “alleged” and “spurious”. Fair enough, but we note M’lud that he still hasn’t shelled out for the three pints of Paulaner he was rightly fined by Lord Waistrel. No doubt Boris’s “tier two” bollocks will stop him from coming good for another month. Meanwhile the case for Gal’s expulsion from the band will be heard tomorrow…
Oct 13. Well here it is, Merry Oi-Mas (or something). We are hugely chuffed to unveil the cover of the brand new 40th anniversary Oi! album, designed by Chris Wright of Crashed Out fame, in all its pugnacious glory. The cracking compilation will be available direct from the Pirates Press store on November 27th. More details to follow at the weekend.
Oct 12. Odd. We get a tip that Lee Wilson was seen getting on a train to Liverpool just forty minutes after Boris announced he was closing all the pubs up there. Rumours that he plans to stand outside The Albert saying “Tsk, what a shame, it was my round as well” cannot be discounted…
Odder still, Fit Bird tells us that since we mentioned Gal’s health issues, he has had messages of care and concern from “two members of the Gonads an’ all the members of GBX”. Wait we say, aren’t they the same band? “They woz,” she snorts, and the dog ’n’ bone goes dead.
Oct 11. Here is a picture of unrepentant round-dodger Paul SkaNad enjoying a refreshing glass of the old Forsyte Saga on Friday night. Despite being ordered by Lord Waistrel to buy “three pints of Paulaner” to make up for his last shameful escapade, Mr Mummery deliberately turned up too late to buy a round, employing the old “The table’s booked for five minutes’ time” manoeuvre. There have been shocked reactions to this appalling episode from concerned citizens around the globe. Even Carmela Soprano was moved to voice what many of us feel – “he had the nerve to come to the pub crawl?” God only knows what Paulie Walnuts has to say on the matter....
Oct 10. Shock news: major developments overshadowed last night’s Gonads Curry Night. Firstly, with cunning timing worthy of Lee Wilson, Paul SkaNad turned up so late he was “sadly unable” to buy any drinks. He is now up for expulsion. Then Gal’s wife, the English country singer Leah McCaffrey, was exposed for playing football for... and the words stick in our throats... Crystal Fucking Palace. So Gal is now up for expulsion too. Lord Waistrel will hold an emergency inquiry next weekend. The results could potentially be “explosive and game-changing”. Said an ashen-faced Effete El (Club 77) “That slippery git Mummery might be able to wriggle out of the round-dodging charge, but the Palace connection is devastating. If true, this could spell the end for the Gonads after 43 years of glorious failure. Our plans to play Mexico and Brazil next year would go right down the khazi.” Grim days, chums.
Some good news though. Things are shaping up nicely for a four-track vinyl release next year, which would include new songs Three Chords & The Truth and Better Land. “A decision has been made to showcase the Gonads serious side,” explained Waistrel’s new adviser Chelsea Dom. “This means frivolous and unworthy nonsense such as Can You Take All This? and Filled By Phil (believed to be a Wattsie Watts solo number – Ed) would have to wait until the next album.” The only fly in the ointment is Fat Col who is insisting that the anti round-dodging lament, Just Split The Bill, is included “come what may”. An anonymous source (Effete El) whispers “Col is believed to be mobilising Club 77 to campaign for the song to be on the EP. Last night’s new charge against Paul SkaNad strengthens his hand.” Blimey.
Oct 8. R.I.P. Bunny ‘Striker’ Lee, the reggae and dub pioneer who was one of Jamaica's most charismatic producers. Edward O’Sullivan Lee, who died this week aged 79, was born in Kingston and worked with everyone from King Tubby to Stranger Cole. He is best known for producing Eric Donaldson’s 1971 hit Cherry Oh Baby. He was a funny, talented man and will be sorely missed. In a rare moment of seriousness, Fat Col said “This sad week that also saw the deaths of Eddie Van Halen and Johnny Nash should encourage us to treasure the stars who shaped our culture. Now someone stick a fence round Charlie Harper.”
Here’s a link to Gal’s latest Highway To Hell for old school rock lovers.
Oct 4. Random guff: We’re looking at venues for a big event in south east London next May... we’re also waiting to confirm a new three-track vinyl EP release next year... and in Book Noos, the great John King has a 36,000 word novella coming out mid-November. Seal Club is a three-novella collection which also includes new works by Alan Warner and Irvine Welsh. JK’s story, The Beasts Of Brussels, is a Football Factory tale with a Tommy Johnson thread which is sure to piss off Remainiacs everywhere. Irvine’s story The Providers is Christmas with the Begbies, so that has a Trainspotting link. And in Alan Warner’s Those Darker Sayings, a gang of Glaswegian nerds ride the mainline trains of northern England on a mission to feed the habit of their leader Slorach. Frustrated, cynical and a big disappointment to his family, Slorach is also a man of great intelligence and deep knowledge, a British Rail timetables call-centre guru who just happens to be addicted to gambling machines. And pubs. Welcome to the world of the quiz-machine casual! It’s on pre-sale here.
Back next weekend. Cheers!
Oct 3. Here are the preview links for our new mini-album Give Her A Dog, which is released on Friday 30th October.
Apple Music : iTunes : Spotify : Amazon : Deezer : Google Play : 7digital
There is just one fly in the ointment. We have been contacted by the Anti-Sex League who complain that Give Her A Dog is “rife with blatant innuendo”. Stern-faced ASL spokeswoman Nora Balzoff said: “There is no place for double entendres in modern society. If you proceed with this filth we intend to picket your shows.” A bemused Clyde Ward comments: “I can’t believe we are being accused of double entendres. It’s wrong, misguided and completely unfair – most of Gal’s lyrics are single entendres.” He goes on: “Dog is a beautiful song about our four-legged friends. Nora must have a sick mind if she sees anything dirty in a cheerful cow-punk number about the joy of doggies that simply urges a gentleman to give his beloved one for Christmas.” Quite so. Let’s only hope the ASL never hear Gal’s latest ditty, Can You Take All This? This entirely innocent track is about a bloke asking a lady friend if she can assist him getting the shopping in from the car. They’re caught in a downpour and the poor woman complains about the delay because she is already soaking wet. Nothing filthy about that.
We asked ducker and diver Fat Col if he would pay for 12-inch physical copies of the mini-album, but he told us straight: “I’d like to but my money is all tied up in cash.”
Weekly round-up: Clyde Ward is working on a Ska Version of Pub Crawl... John Cooper Clarke’s autobiography I Wanna Be Yours is published on 15th October, it’s £20 in hardback... the Rejects live streaming gig scheduled for Monday has been postponed due to Covid... the Antagonizers ATL’s new single, Black Clouds (featuring Matt Henson of NOi!SE on guest vocals is out now, and is a taster for their forthcoming LP, Kings.
