Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
SEP 18. There were extraordinary scenes in the high court today as Lord Waistrel himself made a personal appearance handing out brown envelopes “full of evidence” to England’s most senior judges. After counting, sorry, examining the evidence in their private chambers the judges agreed unanimously that the case against Waistrel and Gal Gonad “must be heard at Woolwich Crown Court under the watchful eye of Judge Roughneck” (Prankster Initiate No 69). So mote it be.
Gal in his court suit: would you buy a used blog from this man?
SEP 17. The most illustrious Lord Waistrel (OBE, KGB, ONO, Earl Of Plumstead, First Flasher of Upper Dicker, Life Chairman Over 80s Nude Hang-gliding Club {Knightsbridge branch}, Acting Chairman of the League of Herbert Gentlefolk, last known survivor of the siege of Mafeking etc etc) today warned the country’s most senior judges by letter that the courts have “no jurisdiction” over his decision to suspend this blog adding that they risk “entering the punk rock arena” at their peril. The warning came as the Supreme Court began to hear two appeals relating to the five-week blog prorogation which has been ruled “unlawful” by Scotland’s highest civil court. Accusing the Scottish judges of having a “fundamental misconception of how the Gonads operate”, his Lordship's submission (handwritten in the blood of a freshly slaughtered mock turtle) argued that it would be “constitutionally inappropriate” for the judiciary to intervene. But Lord Luvaduc QC, representing Wattsie Watts, Club 77 and “three other treacherous reprobates” said Waistrel was trying to “silence debate about the band’s future” and that his decision to prorogue the blog was “improper”. He was seconded by Lord Elpus, QC, who brandished a photograph of Gal asking "Would you buy a used blog from this man?" (If so, we'll gladly take payment in cash right now in the top bar of the Tipperary). Waistrel's QC, Geno Blue, pointed to “similar and frequent” blog prorogations in the past and argued that “the courts have no jurisdiction to enforce punk and Oi conventions” and had “no knowledge of Oi-Tone”. He was aided by The Beast and backed up by Fat Col, QP (quite peculiar) in a horsehair wig who argued that “the Gonads were not now and never have been in any sense a democracy, and anyone who don’t like it should do one before Martin Sporrell turns nasty”. Asked if he had taken silk, Col replied “frequently”. It is feared that Terence Hayes, PM, may take the stand tomorrow. (No idea where to...)
SEP 11. Scottish appeal court judges today declared that the decision to suspend this blog until October is unlawful. The three judges, chaired by Lord Caelan-Urquart Jimmee, Scotland’s most senior judge, overturned an earlier ruling that the courts did not have the power to interfere in Lord Waistrel’s decision to “prorogue Gonadery”. Lawyers acting for “four members of the disreputable Gonads band” and 35 leading members of the elite Club 77 fan group argued that the decision to suspend the blog for five weeks was illegal and in breach of their human rights, as it was designed to “stifle debate on the future of this great band”. Justices Jimmee, Hamish Sporran and Jock Aye-LeNoo agreed with the plaintiffs’ argument that major matters needed to be submitted to a public vote (“as long as voters agree with us”). They approved a demand for a referendum on the vital quandary of which album should be recorded next. Voters should be given a choice between three options, said Lord Jimmie; these being: a) Greater Hits Volume 4 b) Fat Col’s 18 Stone Of Dynamite and c) Lord Waistrel’s choice, a brand new studio album. C.U. Jimmee also agreed that there was “an urgent need” to decide on whether or not to release the Drinking Song (Xmas Mix) as a single in November and he recommended that the decision should be taken by the four rebel band members and the fans “not Lord Waistrel or Gal”. At the band’s behest, he also over-ruled Waistrel’s contention that the Gonads should pull out of all punk and Oi gigs after the 100 Club show next month to concentrate on “catching the train to stardom”. (It was revealed for the first time in court that Waistrel had ordered rebel band members to change their names to Phil Fury, Paul Power, and Jimmy Jazz – he appeared happy with Wattsie Watts). Although Lord Jimmee condemned the “clandestine” nature of the blog closure, the judges did not issue an interdict, or injunction, ordering Waistrel to restart the blog or follow their instructions, which means the final decision will be taken in the Supreme Court next week in London. Reports that the Scottish ruling would cause “deep divisions” within the Gonads, who started rehearsing again last night, cannot currently be commentated on.
Sep 7. And lo, on the seventh day of September 2019 a great silence fell over the blog. Thousands of addicted readers worldwide were in mourning after hearing the shock news that there was nothing left to write about. A blog spokesman told himself: “With Fat Col in hiding, Gal off searching for his $94million, Wattsie hunting for aliens, Clyde on another continent, Paul secured in a torture dungeon, Phil on a drunken bender and JC in the Badoes there clearly isn’t anything to report. The Gonads have no shows until the end of October, they have no new merch or new music, the US line-up have played no gigs, Sandie West has made no progress with either the Gonads film or Gal’s late night show, the Pranksters have banned us, the PM is busy with “wos’name”... the well of gossip and scandal has run dry. Even the Nosher is keeping her drawers on. On top of that, Curry Club isn’t until the end of the month and the noos is coming in at a trickle.” With a tear in his third eye, the spokesman continued: “We do not know how long the Great Silence will last but until something major, sexy or at least interesting occurs us blog monkeys are downing tools quicker than a Big Mo strip show.” Blimey. Well that’s a bugger... Cheerio!
GAL Gonad in Monaco last night (above) furiously denying US reports that he is worth $94million from Gonads royalties, book advances, TV appearances and live shows...
Sep 6. High drama at Nads HQ as US website heightweighnetworth.com revealed Gal’s wealth as $94million – check it out, that’s what it says! Angry band members demanded to know why they are expected to chip in for rehearsal fees and kip in hedgerows and youth hostels, while intrepid investigator Manic Esso (who discovered the shock news) said simply “Lend us a tenner”. Gal’s PA Fit Bird refused to be drawn on the subject, saying only that “Oi Mate sold a lot on digital, di’n’ it?”. Others speculated that the site has confused Gal’s wealth with Waistrel’s (although £77million is just back pocket change for his Lordship). When we finally tracked down Gal he told us: “This is blinding news, I wonder where I put it.”
Sep 5. Fat Col was left with egg on his face last night after his plan to put the American Gonads on at Alienstock back-fired. The problem is the promoters want the band to perform Shona & The Alien: the US guys don’t know it and Col hasn’t even got a demo to send them. As a consequence they are off the bill and Col was engulfed by a backlash of abuse from our Septic pals who branded him “worse than Sandie West” and demanded to know who the fuck he was. There was wild talk of a vendetta. An ashen-faced Col tells us: “It’s bad enough the CSA looking for me, I can’t have the Mob on my back an’ all.”
Sep 4. Here as promised it the link to last night's titanic Highway To Hell
show.
Sep 3. Gal’s latest Highway To Hell will go out live tonight from 11pm on Second City Radio, and it’s heavier than Godzilla in lead-lined undercrackers. Expect Led Zeppelin, UFO, the Stones, the Cockney Rejects, Iron Maiden, Queen, AC/DC and many more... nip back tomorrow for the Spreaker link.
Sep 2. In a move certain to infuriate Wattsie, the US Gonads are now set to play at Alienstock in Nevada later this month after a mischievous Fat Col put the organisers in touch with the American line-up. The Yank promoters contacted Nads HQ here in beautiful downtown Seasalter earlier today. They said that their interest in the Gonads was piqued when they’d read about our catchy new ditty, Shona & The Alien on this blog. That’s by US! Not Tripod and Trotsky’s mob! When we asked Col why he did it, the great chubster replied: “Well, they’re nearer, ain’t they?”
SEP 1. In a move certain to infuriate Lord Waistrel, Wattsie Watts is backing leftwing democrat Bernie Sanders in the battle to beat Waistrel’s pal Trump and become the next US President in 2020. Why? Simple. Bernie has pledged that if elected he would come clean about the existence of extra-terrestrials... and Shona knows they’re real, don’t she? (Cue spooky X Files music, cue creepy X Factor music, cue flashing lights, cue Fat Col calling for “extra thrust”... )
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