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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


June 17. Exciting news: Gal will be doing a select number of Q&As and readings starting in August to promote his new crime novel All Or Nothing. The first will be over-seen by the PM himself as Master of Ceremonies... tickets will be strictly limited... watch this space for details.



In a similar vein, it’s likely that we will play one special low-key London gig this Autumn. If you wish to come along email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk



Big cheese rock manager Gooner Pete is back in the picture. He calls to tell Fat Col that he has been thinking long and hard about the Gonads and that this great band’s golden future lays “not in the stinking death throes of old school punk” but in the “glorious new vistas of go-ahead modern musical comedy”. Pete went on to say that he is on very good terms with a friend of a friend of Victoria Wood and plans to get us a paid support slot on the piano-playing comedian’s next full UK tour. When Col politely pointed out that Wood died some 17 years ago, Pete furiously told him to “fuggin’ grow up, stop living in the fuggin’ past and grow a fuggin’ pair”. Harsh, yes, but Gooner Pete’s style of no-nonsense management takes no fuggin’ prisoners.



The Gonads WebsiteOkay culture lovers. Here’s a picture of the Firm in early 1981 with Gal and the fragrant Janice Gusset in prime position, and Si Spanner goal-hanging for glory. The first blog scholar to name every herbert in sight wins a Large Melton Mowbray pork pie with a dollop of pickle and a guaranteed absolutely worthless Gonads no-prize certificate. Second prize: two Large Melton Mowbray pork pies.



Oh dear. Here is more unauthorised US footage. This impromptu, unrehearsed acoustic version of Alconaut was performed at the inaugural meeting of the Punk Rock Curry Club in LA, in November 2017:



Lord Waistrel has ordered Martin Sporrell to “call off the attack dogs” and cease his merciless hunt for Chelsea Dom (formerly Grand Inquisitor, now the Lonelier Man of Spandau) with immediate effect. His Lordship’s decision has been praised by blog-watchers as “a victory for common sense and freedom of speech”, with Effete El saying that Dominic must be fully acquitted and welcomed back into civilised society. Hurrah!



PS. However you should know that since the Domgate controversy broke we have been contacted by a number of interested parties with lurid reports about Dom’s hitherto unexposed secrets and stories concerning his allegedly sordid past proclivities. Be assured that we will not be publishing this appalling and potentially libellous tittle-tattle. Instead it has been compiled into one handy file and locked in a high security bank vault near Leather Lane where it will be kept for the next 99years – “merely as a deterrent, nothing more, nothing less”...



A spokesman for the shadowy ELF (English Liberation Front) asks us to point out that it is “unlikely” that any lasting bonds will be formed between John King’s PPGB and themselves. “They are old-fashioned statists,” he or she sniffs. “We are committed to driving the state out of our lives.”



The Gonads WebsiteJune 16. The Chelsea Dom situation, henceforth known as Domgate, has escalated after an anonymous source (Effete El) reported that Dom had also posted that the Gonads should have played Brighton without Gal stating his vocals “wouldn’t be missed”. The comment has been deleted but we hear that the petrified scoundrel is now “in hiding in Berlin” and “has a false beard” (we don’t know her name). Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) was last seen boarding a Lufthansa flight to Schoenefeld with a “fully weaponised Bev Elliott”. We pray to Gott that no one tells the deadly duo that Dom is likely to be holed up in a hotel just off Warschauer Str.



Here is another short trailer for Get Your Gonads USA. The unauthorised film is scheduled to be finished three years after Brexit happens and shortly before the 12th of Never. Worryingly, the footage includes disturbing scenes of a top secret American Prankster ceremony reproduced without permission.



In serious matters, we hear that John King’s fledgling People’s Party of Great Britain may be holding talks soon with the revolutionary ELF (English Liberation Front) to discuss launching a great public alliance led by JK’s “thirty men in combat jackets”. There are differences between the two groups. One is old-school working class socialist, the other is essentially libertarian, but says one insider “There may be enough common ground to forge a radical pro-democracy force.” They add: “But to get ELF approval, John might have to settle for thirty people in combat jackets. It’s the 21st Century after all.”



MOD news: Chris Pope has recorded a new version of the Chords’ classic ‘The British Way Of Life’​. It’s on an EP out digitally next month, with CD and vinyl versions to follow. Chris tells us: “It's MY TAKE with The Chords UK on a toon I wrote back in the day.” Play loudly.



June 15. Don’t take this blog’s silence as an indication that all is well. The opposite is true. Beneath our calm exterior we are dealing with a bubbling cauldron of shocking controversies. Astute readers will have noticed the worrying use of the plural... First off, in the wake of the Brighton gig cancellation we have been bombarded with complaints from an unexpected quarter – a platoon of Gonads groupies (led by the formidable Gunda “Glad-it’s-in” Gladding and known as “the South Coast Grumpies”) had travelled from Bournemouth and Upper Dicker for the big skinhead reunion and are now camped outside Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield demanding their “conjugal rights”. They are a fearsome sight, according to eye witnesses, but possibly not too bright as Nads HQ moved from Chelsfield to Seasalter some months ago. As long as they don’t read about it on this blog we’ll be safe. Oh shit...



Then there is a certain Vive Le Rock review of this band’s majestic performance in Berlin which has been penned by one Chelsea Dom Warwick (grand inquisitor), a supposed pal. We of course have broad enough shoulders to take the blow but we are not Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) who is beside himself with rage. Given that Martin’s normal state is barely controlled fury, you might ask why this is such a big deal. Yet the big man turns up red-faced and seething about what he sees as Dom’s “snide and ill-considered write-up”. He tells us “bad enough that Warwick mocks Gal’s graceful leap into the Berlin crowd when he himself is as athletic as an arthritic hippo, what really hurts is that you guys nurtured him on this blog, giving him the chance to have his reviews (inevitably of Cock Sparrer) published in a respected medium and now he does the dirty on us. What a cowson, what a fucking melt.” Indeed. We managed to dissuade Mart from his A-Plan (“going round there and doin’ ’im”) but we can’t stop him exercising Plans B and C; B – to deploy the nuclear missile that is Bev Elliott on Dom’s arse, and C – “to send the Bushwhacker round to woo la belle Mandy Crow away from him”. The Gonads do not and will not condone this sort of behaviour. We support free speech wholeheartedly and suffer the treachery of so-called friends with a heavy heart and a wan smile. So we quickly called Dom’s home to warn him of Martin’s dastardly revenge plot. The phone was answered by a man plainly disguising his voice who claimed to be “Dom’s spokesman”. When we put the charges to him, the spokesman said that despite the by-line the piece in VVR was written “not by Mr Warwick” but “was actually the work of Mark Wyeth... ” Hmm. That’s the Mark Wyeth who wasn’t even in Berlin, isn’t currently in England and is entirely blameless. Martin Sporrell remains unhappy.



Finally with the Brighton cancellation hanging heavily over us, there have been calls for a change in Gonads management. Fat Col has been tapped up by a character known as Gooner Pete who has convinced him that he, Pete, should take over from Miss Management in the control seat. “Sarah wants to get you on Rebellion in 2020,” whispered Pete. “Fuck that! I can get you a prime Saturday night slot on the Fuck Reading fest.” Impressive, yes? No! We point out that Fuck Reading hasn’t run since the 1990s, but Col has had his head turned and is “speaking to Waistrel”. Reverse charges of course. The band of course will stick with Miss M come what may as we’re way too scared of her to do anything else, but says a worried Effete El, “if Gooner Pete manages to persuade Fat Col, the Yeti, Terence Hayes (PM) and other established favourites over to the dark side this blog will be all the poorer for it”. Gulp.



Record Noos: two classic Buzzcocks albums have been re-released on vinyl by Domino. These are their third studio album, A Different Kind Of Tension, and 1979’s Singles Going Steady, a US-only release featuring the band’s eight UA U.K. single releases in chronological order on side one with the corresponding B-sides on side two.



June 10. The blinding new Gonads: Grabbing Life by the Balls merch is now in stock, available in S, M, L and XL. The prices are:


T-shirts are £10 plus p&p and

Hoodies are £20 plus p&p.
The Gonads Website

Size
T-Shirt £12.99 inc p&p in the UK
Size
T-shirt £14.49 inc p&p outside the UK

Size
Hoodie £23.99 inc p&p in the UK
Size
Hoodie £25.49 inc p&p outside the UK

June 7. We're really sorry folks, due to Gal’s unexpected illness we have had to pull out of tomorrow's big Brighton skinhead reunion gig. We are absolutely gutted because we've been planning and practising a special new set for months but unfortunately it can't be helped – even we can’t get by with a singer stricken with laryngitis. We hope to reschedule for another year. Cheers & beers! The Gonads. (Maybe lay off the fur-burgers next time – Fat Col).

June 5. Bad news: Gal has gone down with laryngitis. We hope it will clear up by Saturday but at the moment he can’t even speak.



Good news: the Cockney Rejects will play their first two albums live in London in December. That’s Greatest Hits Volume One & Two live at the O2 Academy on December 14th. Two classic albums. Two sets. No support.



June 4. Oh dear. Investigative reporters working for Panorama have established that the Gonads USA are NOT the only Gonads spin-off endorsed by our absentee manager Lord Waistrel. A BBC spokesman revealed that Waistrel has also commissioned an all-female Swedish version of the band called Gonader, a Russian version based in Belarus known as Yaytsa and, most surprising of all, an all-Indian Gonads line-up who are known as the Nadi-Nadis and who are based in Bombay (his Lordship refuses to use the name “Mumbai”, or kilometres, or centigrade). Although all three bands are all at the rehearsal stage, Gonads watchers see the move as “provocative” and “a major blow and a personal snub to Wattsie Watts”.



June 3. What a day of filth and fury! First Bev Elliott (Soho’s Queen of Punk) launched a foul tirade against visiting POTUS Donald Trump calling on punks to protest against his presence. And then, at a fraught rehearsal session earlier tonight, an irate Wattsie Watts made a blistering attack on the Gonads USA demanding to know WHY they exist and WHY they are playing our songs. But flying the flag for clear-headed sanity (Are you sure? – Ed) Fat Col hit back at both women. His back teeth floating from a day of strong ale, Gannon claimed that Trump was “the real punk” for upsetting “the global establishment” and demanded that we RENOUNCE Bev and BACK his Punks For Trump movement. Col then called Wattsie “a blimmin’ moaning Minnie”, adding “What difference does it make to her if our US pals play our songs with our blessings? Tippy and co are actually doing us a favour by spreading the word about the real Gonads and building our great legacy overseas. And let’s face it, it seems unlikely that Wattsie will be rocking up to play the Arse Club in Foxburg, PA any time soon.” Adopting a sage pose, the great man claimed he was “concerned” about Wattsie’s “mental state”. He said “She is becoming a negative force, forever trying to undermine Lord Waistrel’s decisions, whether it be the Gonads USA, Gonads film projects, what interviews we do or indeed my own long-awaited solo album, 18 Stone Of Dynamite. Is she in danger of over-playing her hand?” Col was then led off by two men in white coats while tunelessly whistling The Sheik Of Araby.



June 2. Gal’s new crime novel All Or Nothing has only been out six days but we can reveal that his first comic fantasy Hell Bent is due to be published in October. Fit Bird tells us “it ain’t like nothing he’s ever done before”, that the book has been “a lifetime in the making” and will be dedicated to Pink Tent, which was not just what this band were called before we became the Gonads but was also the name of the surreal comedy zine Gal and his pals wrote at school. Intriguing.



June 1. What’s the latest news from Sandie West, is the question on nobody’s lips, and yet she tells us anyway. According to Hollywood’s most misunderstood film-maker, the Get Your Gonads USA film should be “fully edited” by October 18th (surprising as she still has to shoot all of the UK footage – Cynical Ed). Sandie remains unable to send us the footage of Gal’s topical late night TV pilot, shot nine months ago and said to be “almost finished” on April 4th. A grim-faced Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) urges us to “draw a line under this whole cluster-fuck”, walk away and re-shoot both projects ourselves. “The integrity of the Curry On Up The Gonads movie must be upheld at all costs,” he says in a tone that leaves no room for debate, adding “Besides, Bed, Board & Boned In Berlin is the Nads movie we all wanna see.”





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