Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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June 12. Breaking news 1: Fat Col fled to Cyprus to escape the wrath of the BME…unknowingly he checked into the same hotel as Wattsie… who immediately had him arrested for stalking…Happy hols, Col!
Breaking news 2: Gal has pulled out of his Rebellion Literary stage appearance after “vindictive” Chelsea Dom scheduled his appearance to finish “about ten minutes” before the Gonads set. A grim-faced Miss Management tells us: “Gal made it clear from the start that he was happy to appear after we played. Obviously he needs to preserve what’s left of his voice beforehand. We’re very disappointed with Mr Warwick for putting him in an impossible position.”
June 7. In an unexpected development, Fat Col has launched a brutally savage public attack on the PPGB, and by implication on Gal, Steve Whale and JK Herbert. Holding court in The Lord Herbert last night, Col laughed off plans to revive and reboot street-punk as “pie in the sky”. He went on: “When something is dead, it’s dead. Skiffle used to be everywhere, trad jazz boomed, glam rock ruled the charts, rock’n’rollin’ Teddy Boys were on the front pages of the gutter press – and where are they now? Barely remembered. Sad tossers can live in the past all they want, but it don’t butter no parsnips. Modern culture is all birds, Love Island and hurty-feelings. Who’d buy Sounds now? It’s all on-line. Circumstances have changed, tastes change, all things must pass. A revival of streetpunk, terrace punk, Oi, herbert rock, yob rock, brick wall hooligan punk or whatever the fuck you want to call it is as likely as Keir Starmer bringing back hanging or soppy Wattsie’s aliens actually materialising. Fuck nostalgia. It’s gone, it’s kaput. Get over it.” Observers claim Col’s public bar intervention (which went on much longer and was more offensive than this extract) was the UK equivalent of Musk versus Trump. But will the PPGB retaliate? A balaclava-wearing source close to Stamford Bridge tells us, “The BME are always game.” Gulp.
June 6. We’re back, probably on a weekly basis, until matters settle. And the good news is there are real developments to report. For starters, fresh demos from the Orgasm Guerrillas suggest that the psychedelic streetpunk band – who debuted with Sing Something Swindle on 1983’s Son Of Oi comp – will be taking fans on a rock’n’rollercoaster ride of “spiky sci-fi cartoon chaos” and “séance aesthetics” on their long-awaited 2026 debut album. The demos show them mixing their brickwall Oi roots with ferocious funk riffs, infectious choruses and the odd disjointed hip-hop beat… Passing music critic Eugenie Campbell tells us, “The Orgasm Guerrillas have come on a long way since Frankie Goes To Pot. The new recordings blend subversive songs of uncategorizable beauty with anarchy, vulnerability, mischief and power chords.” Blimey.
In other news, a resurgent Fat Col – sprung from Broadmoor and on the war path – tells us he is planning to stage “a wedding day intervention” to prevent affiliated Gonads’ singer Carrie Griffiths from marrying “the wrong man”. Asked about claims he intended to “sue the arse off Wattsie” for trying to have him sectioned, Col merely smirked and said, “I’ve been misquoted – the word wasn’t ‘sue’.” Urgh. Oaf.
June 5. Emergency statement from the PPGB: Brothers and sisters, UK streetpunk is in dire straits. Not only is there an “existential decline” in the emergence rate of new working-class punk bands, but everything related to the scene is also under threat. Promoters expect bands to play at a loss. The disease of nostalgia is rife. Terrible books about Oi abound, written by outsiders and riddled with laughable mistakes. The gap caused by the collapse of Street Sounds has not been filled. And even Dr Martens today reported in the year to 30 March pre-tax profits of £8.8 million, down from £93 million the year before as sales fell by 10%. Worse, we understand that the continued existence of the Gonads is at threat due to what Lord Waistrel describes as “macro-economic uncertainty”. ACTION THIS DAY is required. Therefore the PPGB demand 1) Gal Gonad must compile the 45th anniversary Oi album, loaded with young bands, as soon as possible, and 2) finish his definitive Oi book as an absolute priority. 3) Steve Whale must work around the clock to make the Harry May film happen 4) Human Punk must put on more small street-punk shows with an emphasis on youth 5) John King must up the production of Verbal 6) untrustworthy middle class elements must be banished from the PRCC immediately 7) We also call for the resurrection of Rancid Sounds radio as a showcase for new bands and poets, the revival of Street Sounds “in any form necessary” and an immediate suedehead resurgence. It is time to man the barricades and fight for tomorrow instead of wallowing in yesterday’s glories. – PPGB 5/6/25.
Last weekend witnessed the official reinstallation of Terence Hayes and his elevation to his “pre-destined” role of the Jolly Prankster’s Eternal Master (EM). Due to the magnitude of the event, the ceremony was conducted simultaneously in Usk, Cowdenbeath, Belfast, Cork and south London. In East Belfast, teary eye-witnesses report that a life-size model of El Tel was carried aloft by brethren from the QS lodge, one of them carrying a banner showing William of Orange on a white charger. They were accompanied by several flute bands with the sunlight – reflecting from the metal fittings of their marching drums – “shining like the blessings of the Great Architect himself (may his name, never be mentioned or forgotten)”. In Cork, in southern Ireland, brethren from the Sons Of Hamilton’s Foot (Granard lodge) worked happily with County Kerry’s O’Brien section, led by the ‘right dishonourable’ Count O’Blather. And in “that southeast London place”, the complex main ceremony saw two sturdy barmaids remove the EM’s robes for an all-over body waxing, light teasing, and “ritual tugging” performed by a Japanese geisha on loan from Tokyo’s affiliated brotherhood, Shiawasena Nakama-tachi (the Happy Fellows). A lone PPGB piper from the Royal Scots Borderers played Sousa’s The Liberty Bell as the newly raised EM was carried back into Grand Lodge (now a Wetherspoons) for the final part of the ancient ceremony, swept along by a sea of believers. Here, he received the EM regalia (unseen for generations) consisting of a pristine Ben Sherman, half-inch braces, a pearly waistcoat, leather breeches, a herringbone flat cap, a handmade bludgeon, a flintlock pistol, and a pair of highly polished cherry red DM boots before the anonymous MC (Effete El) handed him his official motto: Nemo me impune lacessit wossname (Nobody harms me with, you know, impunity). So mote it be. All five ceremonies will be edited together as a members-only keepsake DVD in due course. See your Tyler for details. To order brethren. Step off with the left foot.
June 1. Lord Waistrel has moved swiftly to close this blog in order to upgrade cyber-security and prevent future hacks. His Lordship has also agreed to drop our new controversial subscription service Go-NBE after a direct intervention by Gal. Sir Gonad argued that the pay-per-view approach to the blog was “elitist and against everything this band stands for – the Gonads are for the people, all of the people, the many, not the few.” Well said that man. Does this mean we will all get to read the report on Terence Hayes’s elevation to Eternal Master yesterday? Full coverage of the grand ceremony was scheduled for subscribers today before Gal’s dramatic intervention. An ashen-faced Effete El tells us: “This depends on two things – the speed that blog security can be improved, and the permission of the Jolly Pranksters who may not want their secret workings exposed to the blog’s vast readership.” El paused before adding “Strictly between us, there is also hot news breaking about Col’s release from Broadmoor and his decision to ‘sue the arse off Wattsie’, not to mention Gonads and GBX/SkaNads updates…” We can’t wait.
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