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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


July 15. Rejoice! The greatest Cockney bust-up is over! The Rejects have patched things up and all is good in Oi the world! A sage Effete El tells us: "I blame Facebook for all this hoo-ha. Once upon a time the Rejects could have enjoyed a hearty fraternal slanging match with optional fisticuffs and no one would have been any the wiser. Now the temptation to go online and rant magnifies every argument." Slippery Maccy Manders is claiming to be the peacemaker but nobody believes him. More interestingly, if the Cockney Rejects can kiss and make up, is there hope for the USA and Red China, or even, god help us, Wattsie and Fat Col?

Sources close to Frankie Flame tell us his mission, to extend the empire of Oi into the afterlife may be close to success. Astonishingly Frank is said to have made psychic contact with former skins, punks and herberts in "the spirit world" via a Oi-ouija board which he has relocated to Mudchute on the Isle of Dogs (said by the great man to be the "omphallus of the British empire"). Nothing more can be said at this juncture, by order of the Ministry of Delusion. But if Chinese Tim comes through mate tell him we're missing the TK chicken.

July 14. Fears grow for the sanity of Sandie West (Hollywood pest) after she sent us a version of her Get Your Gonads USA film which consisted of ten minutes of jumbled nonsense, an hour of empty screen and then more footage without sound. Furious Wattsie is demanding that we take legal action to make sure this so-called movie never sees the light of day. The dream is over.



July 13. There’s some book news over on Gal’s site garry-bushell.co.uk but if you can’t be arsed to look it basically says you can order signed copies of his new novel All Or Nothing from his shop page, and there may be limited seats available for his August book launch and reading. Mod legend Paul Hallam (“the Stalin of Style”) will be presiding. There may even be free plonk (if Lee Wilson is paying).



One of our legion of low-down grasses and treacherous sneaks calls to ask if we knew that a certain overweight VLR writer “likes to type up his piss-poor articles in the nude wearing only a pair of pink nipple tassels”? We certainly did not! We press the mole for the writer’s name but the dirty rat will only say that the toad in question “can be found backstage ligging with any punk band that’ll tolerate him”. How odd.



REJECTS UPDATE: Jeff has announced on FB that he is putting a new Rejects line-up together to play Rebellion. Good luck finding anyone who can play like Micky!



PROLE UPDATE: Band? Ready! Songs? Ready! Album? Ready! Record company? Vermisst! (Missing In Action). Zieh deinen Finger raus, Diana!



GONADS UPDATE: All band members MIB (Missing In Bars).



July 12. Tragic news. It looks like the Cockney Rejects are breaking up. Vinnie is leaving the band, according to his Facebook page, and insiders say Mick looks set to follow. We don’t what’s behind this gutting development – although the smart money is on an explosive internal row. But let’s hope the boys can sort out their differences because they were on top form when we saw them earlier this year.



In case they don’t, however, we understand that the Oi Organising Committee has called an urgent meeting this weekend to decide who should inherit the Rejects’ Oi Oi Top Boys mantle. “If the Gonads nobble the Last Resort it could be you,” whispers scheming power-broker Maccy Manders, adding “You were always the greatest street-punk band ever to come out of Indus Road in Charlton, London SE7. Brackets, Fuck Deptford, close brackets.” But sadly none of us are available to meet the illustrious committee. Gal is in Russia, Clyde’s in LA, Phil is head-banging with those Blackmayne blighters, Miss Management has left Paul SkaNad firmly locked in the downstairs bondage box, JC is searching for answers in Gillingham and Wattsie is off looking for Yanks to get annoyed about. “A missed opportunity,” shrugs Maccy who moves on swiftly to whisper in the PM’s ear instead. We hear the words “You were always the greatest street-punk band ever to come out of Poplar, London E14. Brackets, Fuck Canning Town, close brackets...” in the distance and our hearts sink..



July 11. Huge congratulations to our mate Neville Staple on the honorary doctorate he received yesterday from Arden University in Coventry...in other news, Harley Flanagan is back with a new Cro-Mags vinyl single Don't Give In (Victory Records). He’s backed by Rocky George (Suicidal Tendencies) fame, Gabby Abularach and Garry ‘G-Man Sullivan’ on drums...and there’s good news for fans of hardcore pathetique bands Donkey Laugh and Dom’s IBS. We hear that both, ahem, explosive combos are about to reform following the tragic break-up of their barking mad Donkey Dom collaboration.



July 8. Senior politicians have weighed in with their thoughts on the great Blogxit fiasco. Here, (no, not here - CENSORED), is the PM with a man who’ll never be PM over the weekend – it is believed that Comrade Corbyn called for the “overthrow of the reactionary ruling class relic Waistrel” and “the nationalisation of the Gonads as a matter of urgency”. Blimey, no wonder Tel looks out of focus.

Elsewhere Boris Johnson was holding forth at the Carlton Club where a member of staff tells us he proclaimed “Cripes! What-o! Waistrel? Good egg! Gonads? Crumbs! Terrible racket but Live Free, Die Fee? Yes! Huzzah!” Uncover reporter Fleet Scribbler, our man with the brandy top and decaying liver, tells us: “This won’t be over quickly. Nothing has been settled. Anyone bored with Blogxit should probably avoid this website until the middle of August... including me.” Strewth.



In unrelated news, the Punk Rock Curry Club executive has ruled that any member guilty of “snidey behaviour, gutlessness, leaking, idleness and double dealing or double crossing” shall be immediately suspended with no right of appeal. What can it mean?



July 7. Will Blogxit drag on as long as Brexit? Our mole at the negotiating table tells us fresh issues arise daily. First thing Friday, Waistrel AXED the band’s plans for a Christmas EP and a secret London gig. Other sticking points include his Lordship’s commitment to Punks For Trump, and his “insane” intention of having the Gonads support Cockney comedian Jimmy Jones on a UK tour.



July 4. STOP PRESS. Get well soon American Gonad Jay The Tripod who was rushed into hospital today after experiencing massive chest pains. We’re glad to see that his mates were so sympathetic. Gal for example commented: “Let us know how you get on Jay. Those wallet removal ops can be bloody painful.” While Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa asked “How far apart are the contractions?”



In a semi related story Trotsky asks why Clyde looks so miserable in a recent Instagram shot from our Hastings gig? Our source tells us he always glum when he’s thousands of miles from Sandie West. Understandable. There aren’t many women like her around. Lucrezia Borgia and Eva Braun are brown bread and Rose West is banged up.



The Gonads WebsiteJuly 3. Although this blog is still very much closed with backstage negotiations reaching a feverish pitch, all sides agree that we should remind you that Waistrel’s pal Roy Ellis and his magnificent Moonstompers play the 100 Club THIS SATURDAY supported by the ruler of rude-boy reggae himself, King Hammond... plus the world famous Club Ska Sound System! Keep on celebrating fifty years of skinhead, folks (and try to forget that it actually started in 1967). Get yer tickets from here, droogs.

July 2. Quick update: frantic behind the scenes talks are going on in an attempt to get this blog back online (reports our man in the Dog & Duck with the pint of Stella and double brandy chaser, Fleet Scribbler). The heated negotiations have been likened to the UK’s diplomatic battle with the EU “only far more intense”. The main sticking points according to insiders are threefold:



1) The Jolly Pranksters – said to be the “Northern Irish backstop” of the talks; Lord Waistrel wants the brotherhood’s grand events to be “fully reported” whereas leading elements of the Pranksters want to “preserve our arcane mysteries” from the public gaze. As ever, Terence Hayes (PM) holds the key to a peaceful solution... if only he could remember it.



2) Politics – Waistrel wants us to openly endorse his great chum Boris Johnson, but the trained baboons who write this blog threaten to down tools indefinitely if BoJo ever becomes a regular feature. Effete El whispers that there may be some negotiable settlement which pledges to report on John King’s pro-Brexit People’s Party of Great Britain (should they ever do anything) instead. 3. Dom-Gate. The blog baboons are demanding that Chelsea Dom be given a full and free pardon in recognition of his senior rank in the Punk Rock Curry Club. Their legal representative the Beast tells us that he “believes” Lord Waistrel could be won over to an amnesty agreement by rational argument...and a personal plea from Astrid Von Hinten, the great unrequited love of his life. So mote it be. More news when we have it.



STOP PRESS! LORD Waistrel last night dramatically shut down this blog (again) claiming to be “bally bored sick of it”. In a statement, written by quill in dried bull sperm, the aging reprobate decreed: ‘His most Honourable Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Grand Knight of the Prior of St Laurie, Earl of Charlton, Protector of Barmaids, Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, Grand Chopper of Feltham-on-the-Hill, first Lord of The Admiralty (pub) and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Scratching, hereby indefinitely SUSPENDS the workings of the Gonads and their so-called blog’. Waistrel gave no written reasons for this draconic action, but sources close to the feudalist reactionary tell us his Lordship has been “spitting feathers” over what he sees as the modern blog’s “sad decline into snowflake codswallop”. Apparently we have FAILED in our duty to update the world on the mysteries and privileges of Pranksterism, FAILED to fully endorse his friends Boris and Nige and “pathetically” let Chelsea Dom off the hook for his “gross crimes against humanity”. Waistrel is also believed to have said that the blog is “more interested in publishing tedious self-serving lists and lesser band’s record news than in taking us inside the fascinating mind of Terence Hayes, PM, and deep into the Yeti’s flannelette nightie”. According to Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkly retainer, the boss has told blog staff to “come up with something juicy” if we want to get back online before August. Scrotum tells us: “His Lordship would be ’appy hif you reported on extraordinary events such as Frank Flame’s bid to shatter the world record for underwater piano playing or published pictures of ravishing skin-bird Miss Rockelli jumping naked from a Hercules troop character. ’E’s so bally bored ’e’d hactually look forward to a story about that round-dodging swine Lee Wilson. Sort yerselves hout.” So mote it be.




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