Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Jan 23. A hugely productive morning today as the band, plus Mark McMighty, worked through the entire new Gonads studio album over a three-hour session at Lord Waistrel's private rehearsal rooms in south east London. Some songs were judged not right for the feel of the record and were duly chucked out. The album, called Revolution Now, will be recorded over Easter and is almost certain to have this track listing: 1) Ragman's Trumpet 2) Revolution Now 3) Scream My Name 4) 18 Stone Of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse) 5) The Ville 6) Teeth Aht 7) Federales 8) Promised Land 9) Three Chords & The Truth 10) Angels Of Avalon 11) Joe Hill 12) Can You Take All This?
Our studio insider, Sleepy Malc, whispers: "Gal was in a ruthless mood, and threw out Shona & The Alien (Parts 1, 2,3) early on in the session, along with Chatham Docks. But it's not the end for them - they will be 'held back' Dave Long stylee for a 2023 release, along with other songs that weren't quite right for this record." Eight of the new songs are by Gal and McMighty, the remaining three are by Gal and Clyde Ward. Numbers stored away for the follow-up include Richie Is A Rocker, TDA, Whelks, and Go On, Go On, Go On. In other news, we are in talks about a Vegas show next year to tie in with a certain double wedding, Gal and Phil will start work shortly on the second acoustic album, the follow-up to London's Bawling, and Ms Wattsie agreed to speak to the "new improved, serious blog as long as you don't misquote me". She went on: "Revolution Now is the hardest hitting and most meaningful album the Gonads have ever written." (In the bad days of this blog, we would have now used her genuine quotes to lurch off in a low-brow Mrs Slocombe direction, but times have changed. We are a serious blog for a serious band. You'll find no filth here.)
Jan 22. Weekly update. We now have three dates confirmed for this year: Glasgow, Ivory Blacks on 30th April, London 100 Club on 21st May, and Blackpool, Rebellion Festival in August (date to be confirmed). We are currently considering staging An Evening with Garry Bushell and his Gonads later this year. If it happens, the two-hour show is likely to be at a seated venue in south east London. Watch this now entirely serious space. We will also headline a fund-raising gig for Refuge, the charity for victims of domestic violence, in Brixton, in May 2023.
Gal is back for a third time on the Behind The Scenes podcast, this time talking about the Angelic Upstarts, Ritchie Blackmore, Judge Dread, Lenny McLean and more - here. (This was recorded before Mensi died last month).
Jan 15. This blog is still closed but we would like to apologise sincerely to all those brutally libelled by The Bitch yesterday when the savage bastard staged a pirate blog take-over almost certainly on behalf of the banished Fat Col. We’d particularly like to say sorry – a word Boris has yet to use – to the band who The Bitch identified as “Hop-a-Long & The Has-Beens” in the now deleted post. They are dear friends of the Gonads and this blog, and we were incensed on their behalf. As you know, we are banned from covering Fat Col’s activities until he shows some remorse for stalking Wattsie for years, but The Bitch’s revelations – that the Rawhides’ new songs include ‘I Should’ve Fucked Old What’s-Her-Name’ and ‘Quit Whining (I’m Enjoying It, Even If You Ain’t)’ – just go to show that the man is out of control and totally beyond the pale.
While we’re here, we can report that we start rehearsals for our new studio album next weekend. Gal is ruthlessly whittling down the tracks in order to make Revolution Now the hardest and most relevant album of the Gonads’ decades-long career. Yesterday he axed the “too frivolous” Chatham Docks from the album and replaced it with awesome new anthem, Pentonville.
Jan 9. Coming up on the blog today: Waistrel decides – his Lordship’s shock verdict on the big Fat Col versus Wattsie controversy…this blog is suspended…and Gal comes under fire for losing the back catalogue dosh.
First up, the big story: yesterday was VD Day for Wattsie Watts – Victory in Dagenham – as Lord Waistrel reached his decision on the endless battle for the Gonads’ heart and soul. The hearing was held on neutral ground in Dagenham Town Hall, where Lord Waistrel (OBE, KGB, the Most Exalted Earl Of Plumstead, First Lord of Avalon, Knight of the Garter, Baron of the Bustier, Life Chairman of the Over 80s Nude Hang-gliding Club {Knightsbridge branch}, Knight of the Most Noble Order of Viagra Plus, Emperor Of Prussia {In Exile}, First Flasher of Upper Dicker, Life Chairman of the League of Herbert Gentlefolk etc etc) delivered his verdict on the controversy that has blighted this blog for three long years – the war of words between Colin ‘Fat Col’ Gannon and Shona Wattsie Watts. Waistrel reached his conclusion after hearing testimonies from more than twenty witnesses, including Colin’s ex-wife Jeanette, the barmaids from his local (the Pig & Poke), Sandie West (via Zoom), Kim Jong-un (via Hopin), and several disgruntled ‘Psychic Rod’ clients, one of them his elderly neighbour Gladys Spriggs who complained that Col had frequently stolen the milk from her doorstop, piddled on her daffs and roughly prodded her clematis, when he eventually found it.
In his damning, two-hour judgement, Waistrel CONDEMNED Fat Col for a “distressing campaign of verbal abuse” aimed at the “blameless Ms. Wattsie” that had been allowed to “fester like a rancid sore for far too long”. So unsettled and paranoid had the singer become, he said, that she had started to imagine friends had concealed engagement rings in hearing aid boxes for the purpose of proposing to her in darkened corners of south London comedy clubs – and, as a consequence, she had avoided such clubs ever since for a series of increasingly unconvincing reasons.
There were cries of “Yes” from a large rude boy contingency in the crowded public gallery as His Lordship sided completely with Wattsie. The good Lord found Gannon guilty on a number of counts including “harassment, gamesmanship, public indecency and a total lack of chivalry and breeding”. Waistrel BANNED Col from this blog “until such time that he has shown genuine remorse” and then SUSPENDED it, “to prevent sedition”. As uproar erupted and rival spectators clashed, the DM hobbled forward on his cast iron crutches to restore good order by threatening to sing. But there were some flickers of hope for Col before he was led away protesting his innocence – he will still be allowed to work unpaid for the band on Facebook, his case will be “regularly reviewed”, and Waistrel agreed to fund his debut Rawhides ep featuring Leah McCaffrey. His Lordship levelled no criticisms at “the delightful” Wattsie but he did advise her to “stop bally banging on about Covid conspiracies before you drive us all barmy”. Waistrel also assured a group of Club 77 observers that the Gonads would not deviate from their preferred “pure punk path” on the new album, Revolution Now! Our roving reporter Roki Haque tells us, “This was a historic day that confined the vile and vulgar sexism of yesteryear to the dustbin of history. Colin Gannon has been reined in, he has lost his long war with Wattsie and there will be no coming back for him or his prehistoric attitudes.” He then muttered “So mote it be” (thus giving away his membership of a certain secretive brotherhood who had expertly manipulated the day’s proceedings, in between regular visits to Manze’s).
In other news Gal has finally been found in Vegas. Hurrah! He revealed that he wasn’t bothered about missing the big back catalogue deal, as he’d flogged his rights to Epitaph on Tuesday. Hurrah again! The US deal was relatively small, he said, a meagre $150,000 dollars so he had decided to build it up via a series of shrewd investments. When asked what that meant, he replied “I hit the Aladdin casino, and rode my luck until I had $1million in chips.” And then? “Then I stuck the whole lot on 13, so I could turn that meagre $1mill into a whopping $38million.” Wow. Asked how much he walked away with, Gal boldly brandished his winning coupon, a princely two dollars… With lynch mobs forming at all major UK airports, it’s just as well this blog is now closed.
Jan 8. Good news! We play Ivory Blacks in Glasgow on 30th April with cracking supports – see the News page for details. Big news! Lord Waistrel will deliver his verdict on the Fat Col/Wattsie rift tomorrow. Bad news! Despite our efforts, Gal was not found in time to sign the back catalogue deal. There have been sightings of him in Las Vegas however, apparently performing stand-up comedy. An ashen-faced Miss Management tells us, “Selling our back catalogue to despicable corporate money men wasn’t ideal, but we could have invested it back into the band. We’re talking a tour bus, regular flag girls, weekly curry nights and Paulaner permanently on tap at Nads HQ…” Ah, what might have been. The search for Gal continues, but with a lot less urgency. More news when we can be arsed.
Record noos: Matt Freeman’s hard rocking East Bays herberts, Charger, have released a super-limited deluxe edition of their Warhorse LP, with a faux leather case-wrapped jacket and metallic foil stamping. Available from Pirates Press… Ska band Dave Hillyward & The Rocksteady 7 will release a new album, their first since 2018’s The Giver, later this year... Elvis Costello’s latest effort escapes on Friday.
Jan 7. Wattsie today hit back against Fat Col and his allies, branding them “dinosaurs, reactionary wreckers and yesterday’s plebs”. The fiery singer dismissed Col’s criticisms as “driveling dog dirt” and insisted that Col must be banned from the blog forever for the good of the band. She added that her vision of the Gonads’ future was “most in tune with Gal’s own plans”. In a major development, Terence Hayes DM has emerged as Wattsie’s financial backer and staunch champion. He too called for Col to be “horse-whipped and exiled” before pledging to mobilise Jolly Pranksters’ affiliates worldwide to locate our missing leader in order for him to sign BMG’s big-money back catalogue deal before tonight’s 6pm deadline. Here’s hoping.
Wattsie – fiery and on the offensive
El Tel, her staunch defender
Jan 6. The battlelines are being drawn up in the fight for the very soul of the Gonads. In the blue corner is Fat Col and in the red corner is Wattsie Watts. They’re like the punk rock equivalent of the Wanderers versus the Ducky Boys, Tyson vs Wilder or Red Wall voters vs queen of green Carrie Johnson. Col is counting on an array of popular blog characters, including Effete El, JK Herbert, and Two Ton Tony Madras, to back him and keep the band on the course of “pure proletarian punk”; Wattsie’s supporters have yet to announce. Said El, “The battle is over what this band should be. We want more punk, more curries and more Paulaner. Wattsie wants more Ska and Oi-Tone, more Labour Party and blokes in nail varnish eating tasteless gluten-free grub and drinking cocktails. If Gal were around, he would calm things down and work out a compromise, and it wouldn’t come to this. But he ain’t, and it’s proper kicking off. Only Waistrel can decide.” Blimey.
Where is Gal? You have sent us sightings everywhere from Victoria Station to Gatwick Airport, but we still don’t know where he is heading. Claims that he has taken a job as poetry editor on Motorcycle News or is off in Dublin compiling a three-hour Ted Talk series on the hidden depths of Mrs Brown’s Boys can probably be discounted.
The verdict in the Colston statue trial has stoked fears that Lord Waistrel’s handsome eight-foot marble statue in the Palace of Westminster (by the gents, near the main staircase leading to the committee floor) may be targeted next. An insider in the militant Workers Against National Kidology (WANK), 47-year-old mature student Tarquin Le Tosseur, tells us, “As a leading feudalist reactionary, Waistrel is very much in our sights for cancellation, but we’ve got to get Nelson, Churchill and Wellington first.” However, a spokes-pleb for the Kenophobia Opposition Committee (KOC), Doris Smalls, tells us “The records show that Lord Waistrel was not involved in the slave trade; he did not profit from it and his statue must stand.” Doris, 74, goes on, “He was far too busy exploiting British peasants, serfs and starvelings for any of that nonsense.” God bless him.
Jan 5. Good news! After Bruce Springsteen sold his song rights to Sony for £400million and Warner Music snapped up Bowie’s songbook for £185million, there has been “strong interest from a major player” in buying the Gonads’ entire songwriting back catalogue – including the rights to Oi Mate, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub and Federales. Songs by our spin-off groups Prole, the SkaNads, the Orgasm Guerrillas, DMG and the Garry Bushell Experience [formerly known as GBX] would also be included in the comprehensive offer. According to Variety, there is “strong interest in the Gonads catalogue because of the band’s consistent mix of power and humour and their genre-defying releases”. There’s just one snag – nobody can find Gal. “’E went missing sometime yesterday and ’e ain’t returned, ’as ’e?” says Fit Bird. “’E was in a foul mood, I mean proper dramas. ’E wants to pull the plugs and just walk away… again.” A concerned Miss Management has asked all blog readers to report sightings so she can track Gal down. She told the blog, “There are a few places he is most likely to be – he has close friends in Beaver City, Utah, Upper Dicker, East Sussex, and the Ring of Kerry – but wherever he is, we need to find him fast, because this deal needs his signature as well as Clyde’s and Steve Kent’s or the whole thing falls through!” Gulp.
What has pushed Gal over the edge? Close sources blame his absurd work-load, Fat Col blamed Wattsie and Wattsie blamed Fat Col. “He may feel caught in the crossfire of their endless feud,” close friend and confident the DM tells us, adding sagely, “Or he may just be wossname, frustrated, cos he can’t retire to the Algarve, open a bar with Ally Ross and write books, which is his dream.”
Jan 4. As you know, there will be TWO new Gonads albums out this year. First up, and probably the most exciting, is Revolution Now! It will be released by our pals at Randale, Germany, and will deliver eleven stonking “pure punk” belters, mostly written by Gal and Mark McMighty, along with one new track which is closer in feel to the Blockheads. Best of the brand-new ditties are 1) the awesome Scream My Name, 2) the tough and tasty title track, and 3) Ragman’s Trumpet which is the hardest-hitting and roughly as sane as Salvador Dali on an acid trip in Narnia. Gal is still whittling the songs down to twelve from the twenty that are either demoed or written, but it definitely won’t be a double album. The second album will be London Bawling #2, a new acoustic punk set that “unashamedly mines Cockney culture”.
At last the return of Ask Gal Anything! Regular reader Kev Knowles of New Cross asks, quite aggressively “Are you taking the piss? Over the years on the blog, I’ve seen mentioned things like a punk comedy night, a Gonads feature film, Greater Hits Vol 4, and An Evening With Gal Gonad but none of them ever seem to happen. Can we believe what we read?” Gal replies, “Yes you can Kev, because all of these things were genuine but got derailed by set-backs. I was planning to put together a punk comedy night supported by Human Punk and headlined by Manic Esso with slots for Shayna Ross, Max Splodge, Decca Wade and so on. But then Esso got cold feet. Now he’s moved oop North and Shayna is back in LA having babies (Congrats!) so it is unlikely to happen in the near future. The Curry On Up The Gonads film could still happen but not I’m afraid with Sandie West – the mental scars are too much to bear. Greater Hits Volume 4 will happen at some point, but the new studio album takes precedence. Finally, thanks to Covid, my Evening With shows were all postponed in 2019. I’d still like to do them, but it’s quite difficult for me to do anything extra at the moment as I’m still working very long hours. To sum up, when it comes to projects like this, you can believe the blog, but sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Of the three projects you mentioned, An Evening With Garry Bushell is most likely to happen in some form later this year, but right now I can’t guarantee it.”
Ted Nugent has slammed Rolling Stone mag for putting Joan Jett on their list of the 100 greatest guitarists. Nugent just delivered a YouTube rant about the eleven-year-old list, saying, “When you see the Rolling Stone magazine list of greatest guitar players, they list Joan Jett but not Tommy Shaw. How do you list the top 100 guitar players and not list Derek St. Holmes? How do you do that? You do that by lying. You have to be a liar. You have to have shit for brains, and you have to be a soulless, soulless prick to put Joan Jett…” Ted stressed his objections had nothing to do with Joan’s sexuality, adding ‘Love Joan Jett – ‘put another diamond in the jukebox, baby’; great rock and roller – but as a top 100 guitar player? You don’t list Rickey Medlocke or Dave Amato. Really? Or Dick Wagner? Dick Wagner and The Frost from Detroit. Or Mark Farner from Grand Funk Railroad. Joan Jett is on the list but not Mark Farner? If Grandmaster Flash is in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and Joan Jett is on the list of top 100 guitar players, then I’m Caitlyn Jenner’s boy toy.” We should point out that the list, topped by Hendrix, Clapton and Page, also blanks Mickey Geggus, Stuart Adamson, Big John Duncan, JJ Bedsore and so on. Peter Green and Ernie Isley don’t even make their Top 50.
A furious Wattsie Watts demands to know “what exactly I have done to jeopardise an American tour”. We ask Fat Col who replies, “A-ha! I see that she doesn’t deny the other charges then!” He goes on. “Here’s how she mucked it up. When Gal and Clyde toured with the American Gonads we didn’t hear the end of it for about eighteen months. Another mini-tour could happen this May, but no one wants to suffer that again! Unfortunately, organising a UK Gonads mini-tour of the States would be a logistical nightmare.”
Jan 3. Gal has started work on volumes three and four of his Sounds Of Glory series. The two books are likely to be published by go-ahead Norwegian entrepreneur Teddie Dahlin in October. Gal’s PA, Fit Bird, tells us that the new volumes will be split as before between Punk & Ska (vol 3) and rock and metal (vol 4). In other book news, volume two of Glory Boys – the Mod pulp fiction saga by Jim Iron and John Steel – will be published by Caffeine Nights this Summer.
On a gloomier note, if the Gonads do come to an end in December 2022, this blog will also cease to exist. Sources close to Lord Waistrel tell us his Lordship is “hugely disappointed” that we no longer carry in-depth reports about the activities of the Jolly Pranksters (the merry band of brothers forbade full blog coverage in 2019 – Ed). He also feels that “the Gonads don’t do enough to justify the expense of the blog as it is, let alone if the band hang up their hats”. Waistrel also expressed his “continuing dismay” at Gal’s “failure to rein in Wattsie for her many acts of sabotage” (believed to include refusing to do the Oi Mate dance and the ventriloquism act on stage, as well as allegedly banning England’s Glory from our live set and making a new US tour “next to bally impossible”). How much of this comes from Lord Waistrel and how much of it is poison dripped into his ear by a malevolent Fat Col is another matter, however.
Check back tomorrow for more details about this year’s two new Gonads albums, and another edition of Your Questions Answered.
STOP PRESS: The Ilfracombe punk festival has been cancelled. Our sources say “without the Gonads headlining the whole fest was unsustainable”.
Jan 2, 2022. Country legend Leah McCaffrey has agreed to record with Fat Col’s “blue collar hoedown showdown combo” The Rawhides in a new project produced by living legend Clyde Ward! Col tells us their plan is “to comprehensively outsell the Gonads by Christmas, or sooner!” He goes on, “You’re washed up, son, we’re the future.”
Northern noos: we are still trying to firm up our “Grog on the Tyne” mini-tour in the North East of England, thanks for asking. But the job has been complicated by our local agent Shazza who stated publicly that she intends to nick Wattsie’s stage clothes while we’re up there… and possibly while we’re performing (leading Fat Col to demand that the gigs are filmed close-up in slo-mo “for security reasons”). However, Shazza and her sister Kerry will guest on Ragman’s Trumpet, the opening track on our new album, Revolution Now! An ashen-faced Effete El assures us that the women’s extraordinary vocals will be recorded remotely, “to keep Wattsie’s wardrobe safe”.
In other northern noos: the mighty Gimp Fist play the exotic sounding Boulevard in Wigan on Saturday…
Record noos: the new single from our pals The Drowns is out now on yellow vinyl. Know Who You Are (a Slade cover) b/w Guidelines Of Control is released by Pirates Press for $5.99 which is about thrupence in real money… Blitz’s first two albums have been re-released on vinyl by the pleasant sounding Puke N Vomit label… and the Mad Mulligans’ new EP Action Men came out yesterday on Rotten Bastards Records.
Jan 1, 2022. Happy New Year people! We’re back, we’re barking and we’re raring to go. Over the next three months we will start recording our TWO new albums, plus a special track for the Strength Thru Unity compilation, and announce our first gig in Scotland for ten years. The Gonads – we are the firm! (Soon to be the infirm…)
Here’s the trailer for the forthcoming Foo Fighters’ movie Studio 666. Dave Grohl won’t tell us the exact details but he does let slip that it involves a rock group who fall victim to “supernatural forces” – which sounds a hell of a lot like what happened to Gal and Clyde when they were lured to Hollywood by her satanic majesty, Sandie West…
In other news, the Kiss movie, Shout It Out Loud, is back in production and will air later this year on Netflix… Madness play six US dates next year, starting in Oakland, California on 26th May and including Punk Rock Bowling (which we can’t play because of “internal band complications”)… and Diamond Rocks, the new glam rock album by Edweena Banger – the artist formerly known as Ed – is out now…
