Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
BLOG CLOSED INDEFINITELY – and this time we mean it.
Sept 6. Lord Waistrel last night dramatically SUSPENDED this blog. His statement, written as ever by quill in freshly-slaughtered goose blood on antique parchment, reads: ‘His most Honourable Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Earl of Charlton, Baron of Bristols, first Lord of The Admiralty (the Leicester Square pub – Ed), Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, Lord Loverman (Shabba) on Tinder, and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Belly, hereby SUSPENDS the workings of the Gonads blog indefinitely in order to keep it free of puerile, pathetique and/or subversive rule-breaking posts. That is all.’ Scrotum, his Lordship’s gentleman’s gentleman, tells us “It was that quantum of bollocks stuff yesterday what dunnit.”
STOP PRESS: BME/PPGB leader John King has just arrived back in London after his victorious appearance at the Rebellion Festival. It seems that he left the event five weeks ago, but while changing trains at Preston was tempted into a nearby pub by some of the local Kingy Youth, and from there set off on a marathon session that involved pubs in Manchester, Liverpool, Stockport, Whitchurch, Stoke, Wolverhampton, Sheffield, Rotherham, Nottingham, Derby, Newcastle, Sunderland, Whitby, Hull, Lincoln, Northampton and finally Luton. Dedicated drinkers and the politically sussed hosted this spontaneous tour and many fine, grassroots curries were consumed in the name of the PRCC.
King/JK Herbert's report for the Gonads blog confirm that his personal Rebellion highlight was the two-song appearance by Lurkers' drummer and BME stalwart Manic Esso at the end of a set by folk singer Rory McLeod. Wearing a sea captain's hat pulled down at a jaunty angle, and flashing his trademark cheeky, boyish smile, Esso played drums and sang to the gathered hordes, while Rory accompanied on harmonica. Other highlights were the start and end sessions in the nearby Mitre public house, the now traditional Chelsea-Hibs meet-up, and music-wise the fine performances by Human Punk favourites Knock Off, Crown Court and Tear Up.
At first glance we thought this was a hall of mirrors in a very dodgy fairground
Sept 5. Newly tasked by Waistrel with “straight reporting only, on an occasional basis” and “no weird shit”, we can reveal that the eagerly-awaited live debut appearance of the French Gonads (Les Gonades Françaises) in Paris has been postponed from November to January. In other news, Phil Mogg’s new album Moggs Motel by Moggs Motel is out tomorrow… Punk Rock Bowling 2025 will run from 23rd to 26th May in Las Vegas. Mark Stern is returning as festival booker. It’ll be the festival’s 25th anniversary… and Chubby & The Gang (now a solo project from Charlie Manning) release new 16-song album, And Then There Was… on 4th October.
Entirely serious, scientific update: We have finally heard from quantum physicists Anita Ghutu, Susanna Koch and Janet Zuch about their failed attempt to reset our timeline and reverse the Gonads’ decades of misfortune. They state that the reset happened on August Bank Holiday Monday but did not sustain. In this new reality Gal became hip hop star Sir Galahad (aka LL Cool Gal) when a rap version of Dying For A Pint became a global smash in the 1990s, his career was later revived when 1982’s Annie Auld-Iron morphed into a TikTok sensation; Phil McDermott became the leader of an outlaw biker gang called the Family Guys, and finally released his Ska song played entirely on ukuleles and tin whistles; Wattsie Watts became Liam Gallagher’s second wife before finding kazoo-based pop success as Shona & The Aliens in Nepal and South Korea; after recording a critically acclaimed punkabilly album, Paul SkaNad renounced lager and became an archbishop in the Church Of Oi; Clyde Ward wed Sandie West, but only on film for the Oscar-winning Curry On Up The Gonads movie; JC abandoned Gillingham FC for Cowdenbeath, his new scarf was ceremoniously burnt by Wattie Buchan; and most remarkably of all, associate band member John King delivered his Rebellion Festival overview in good time. Ghutu-Zuch-Koch tell us that the reset lasted less than a minute before reverting to our current realty. “If we tried to reproduce the results, the entire universe would be blown to smithereens,” says Anita. A bad thing? Win some, lose some.
Finally, the Jolly Pranksters have toughened up their membership process to prevent further infiltrations. All prospective members must now serve a year as servile Candidates or Prospects before graduating to the fraternal order’s first degree. “It’s the only way we can keep out MI5, the gutter press, and rampant Gonads women,” said an insider known only as “EE” or Effete El. So mote it be. That’s all the seriousness we have time for. Cheerio.
