Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 15. The following advertisements have been paid for by individuals to help keep this blog alive. We cannot vouch for their authenticity or reliability:
Nads Ad: Oi! Do you love the taste of veggie burgers but feel sorry for the poor vegetables that have to die, often screaming in pain, to feed your disgusting appetite? All that can change with Martin Sporrell’s pukka Alternative Veggie Burgers, made entirely from prime steak, lard and offal, seasoned with hand-squashed anchovies. Hey kids, leave those carrots alone! Stop picking on the little guy and start noshing Aggressive Gooner Burgers as recommended by Big Dan the Butcher.
Nads Ad: Flag Girls Wanted! Gonads flag girls are an elite troop of refined womenfolk who accompany the band on stage on moving numbers such as England’s Glory, British Steel and Line In The Sand. Previous flag girls have included Wattsie Watts, boxer Jane Couch MBE, model and actress Zoe Anderson, model and actress Vicky Thomas, and force of nature Ally Maverick. Some of these gutsy babes went on to become full band members or recording artists. So girls, if you think you have got what it takes to join this list of legends, apply directly to Colin Thackeray Gannon, Esq, c/o The Lord Herbert, Plumstead for auditions and coaching services.
Nads Ad: Cash for Cash! Send us your notes in a plain brown envelope and we’ll send them right back to you, minus commission, no questions asked – Slippery Ted, Nads HQ. To book your Nads Ad, email Ted via waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 14. With Brit-pop also-rans Gene due to announce a string of reunion shows next week, pressure is mounting on another obscure Brit-pop band, southeast London’s Miller, to get back together too. “Gene may have had a couple of hits but Miller were three streetpunk-loving casuals, loved by Morrissey,” reports our resident Brit-pop expert, Olly Morris, who adds, “They were a tight little herbert band out of the Cherry Orchard estate. At one stage Creation were keen on signing them until a short, sharp jail sentence for alleged hooliganism stopped their momentum.” Blimey.
Reader CS asks: Why was Fat Col seen walking on Plumstead Common yesterday “with a bloke who was wearing a cape and carrying a poncy water bottle”? We don’t know, CS, but we’re investigating…
March 14. News! There will be a follow-up to the Dirty Metal Gonads ep. Writing has begun on three “deadly serious” new tracks said to “occupy the space between TNT and Rose Tattoo”. Unconfirmed early whispers suggest the new songs could be Together, Teaser and McMighty.
Less seriously perhaps, known liar Fat Col has claimed to have “found Bert & Col’s demo tape” in an old shoe box in his Plumstead lock-up. Our new news service Gonads Verify reports: Bert & Col were an early 80s duo who were often likened to “a pathetique Chas & Dave” – just two chaps on piano and drums singing numbers like Contender, It’s Your Round and The Tunnel Song (aka Why Should I Pay To Drive Through The Dartford When I Can Get Through The Blackwall for Free). They wore swimming trunks and snorkels on stage, were reviewed favorably in Sounds by Garry Johnson, and turned down management offers from Dodgy Dave Long. Secret Records’ Martin Hooker was keen on signing them, but the Cockney pair allegedly called it a day when ITN wanted to film them because they reportedly felt such publicity would affect their benefits. Colin Gannon, a notorious convicted con artist, claims the cassette tape he has found contains demos of all three of the above songs, plus The Shoelace Shuffle, said to be “a celebration of round-dodging that would warm Lee Wilson’s heart”. If true, it would be a significant find for lovers of pathetique punk, The Beerdrop Explodes ‘herbert’ compilation and The Drunk Side of Oi Oi That’s Yer Lot. However, although Gannon was close to the act and is known to possess other historic items such as the acetate for the Gonads’ first single Stroke My Beachcomber, Baby, until our experts can examine the tape we cannot discount the possibility that this claim is fraudulent.” Over to you, fat boy.
March 13. Well we asked for your fund-raising ideas and they’re trickling in. The Pathetique wing of Club 77 suggest we should sell off Nads HQ and replace it with a circus tent, much like Man United are planning to do. Fat Col advocates the production of Gonads drinks – “Scrumpy-Pumpy strong dry cider and Fuckfast Tonic Wine” – and blow-up Yeti sex-dolls “for blokes who like bigger bouncier women”. And an anonymous contributor (Effete El) wants us to market Gonads prayer balls. Yes. Looks like we’ll be going back to taking ads then…
In Waistrel news, his Lordship, an Empire Loyalist, has renounced his old pal Donald Trump and is trying to inaugurate a troop of fighting Canadians in the spirit of Tucker’s Ruckers. Waistrel’s Canuck Ruckers would police future Gonads gigs in north America but their immediate purpose would be to cross into the USA and wreak “prankster havoc” on the economy. Waistrel fell out with Trump last weekend, labelling him an “economic incompetent” and “a threat to peace”. He claims he has been moved to take military action because of Trump’s tariff threats to Canada and certainly not because his tech shares have crashed like a North Sea cargo ship.
March 12. Hard times, folks. The great Gonads comeback could be derailed by a severe lack of band finances, writes our Scottish economic correspondent Doon Anoot. Her savage report finds that, with proprietor Waistrel diverting his funding into building up the new Tuckers’ Ruckers division to “secure defences”, neither the band nor the blog have the cash to cover basic necessities, such as curry, Paulaner, pork scratchings and less importantly rehearsals and recording sessions. An ashen-faced Slippery Ted (financial manager) tells the blog, “We have reached an existential crisis, we’re staring into a Rachel Reeves style black hole. So I am asking all band members, blog readers and Club 77 supporters to come up with ideas to raise the capital as a matter of urgency. There was only £100 in the kitty yesterday, now there’s nothing.” Sucking on a non-filter fag, Ted adds, “The blog may be forced to take adverts again.” Asked what happened to the £100, he replies sheepishly “I got a tip from Gal’s brother, Charlton Tel, and invested it all on Robbie’s Rock in the 16.40 at Cheltenham. The odds were good, 50/1, but the bastard nag came second…”
March 8. The blog’s triumphant return comes at a terrible price, for us at least, as we now have Fat Col on the dog every morning with fresh lies, dreams, hopes and schemes. His latest tasteless enterprise, inspired by the sad deaths of Rick Buckler and Brian James, is to open a book on ‘The Next Punk Icon To Peg Out’. Wattsie Watts has rightly condemned the betting stakes as “sick and twisted, like Col’s mind”, and we won’t be reproducing the runners and riders here as many of them are dear friends. Suffice to say you can get bloody good odds on BF.
News in brief: French Gonads debut gig off the cards for “at least six months”, delay blamed on promoter… John Lydon tells fans who want Never Mind The Bollocks 2, “Fuck off you idiots” … Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson “seriously considering” offer to produce Orgasm Guerrillas debut album… Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 game won’t include Bam Margera… Waistrel investing heavily in new Tucker’s Ruckers to ensure Gonads are “combat ready”… Fat Col slams Glastonbury 2025 line-up as “horrendous shite for middle class hippies ‘rebelling’ in their £10K luxury yurts”.
Theories about missing Jay Letendre, aka Tippy, aka Jay The Tripod, continue to spread like Gannon’s buttocks on an unstable barstool. American Gonads spokesman, Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa, tells is: “One of two things happened to Tripod. Either, having no documentation proving he’s a US citizen, ICE (US Immigration & Customs Enforcement) sent him to Gitmo. Or, Trump found out that he had successfully embezzled thousands of dollars from a small business and gave him a cabinet position.” Either, or… what a nightmare choice! Trapped in a confined space with deranged, homicidal maniacs… or held prisoner at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
Lady Gaga’s new album includes her single Abracadabra which samples Spellbound by Siouxsie & The Banshees. Steve Severin said last night, “It’s quite the eye-opener to be tangentially involved in a ‘modern’ hit single. Getting a songwriting credit on Gaga’s Abracadabra means we have to sign off on all “sync” requests. Grammys, Oscars, Super Bowl, NBA, MLB, Drag Race, Tik Tok & Spotify’s Little Monsters Day have all passed through Sev Towers in the past month! We know (and I’m sure they know), that it’s only a courtesy but at some point, I’m going to say NO – just for a lark. Just watch me.”
March 7. As promised, here is the post-crisis session of Ask Gal Anything. Question. Are the Gonads properly back? Answer. Yes but not for long. Rebellion will be our last UK gig for some time. I’m going to press pause for a bit. There is nothing inherently wrong with just playing the old familiar songs, but artistically, it’s suffocating and frustrating. You end up becoming a tribute band to your own back catalogue. I’d rather take a few chances for a while, and record different stuff. But for the immediate future, our final show will be Punk & Disorderly in Berlin this September, a loss-making venture as Lord Waistrel rightly pointed out.
Q. What would you most like to record next? A. Loonstompers 2, I’d love to do that. The Orgasm Guerrillas debut album excites me too, it could be a gamechanger. So much to do, so many plans, so much unsaid… It haunts me like a wound to the soul.
Q. What is stopping you from recording new material? A. Money aside, the hardest thing is finding the right studio. We worked with Pat Collier for so many years, and he was so attuned to what we were doing, it’s going to be very hard to replace him, especially as Clyde no longer has his studio.
Q. Will you bring back your Rancid Sounds radio show any time soon? A. If I had more free time, I’d definitely revive Rancid Sounds to try and give new bands a leg up. It’s a tough time for them. It’s never been easier to get your music out there but in reality, it’s never been harder to get it heard. But at the moment I am concentrating on the one-man show next month. Once I’ve done it, I will make other decisions.
Q. Can I still get tickets for the April show? A. No, the tickets ran out faster than a greased pig.
Q. Will the next Harry Tyler: The Face novel be the last? A. I have ideas for three more Harry stories, two of them pretty fleshed-out.
Q. You’re a venerated elder statesman of street music, and during your early, insurrectionary years, you were an important figure in 2-Tone, Oi, New Mod, NWOBHM etc. Should you be knighted? A. Don’t talk bollocks.
Q. How would you define your politics? A. Cynical and pessimistic. I’m not interested in getting involved in party politics or listening to wild conspiracy theories. I don’t want to be judged by other people’s actions or by their opinions. I will be judged by my own actions and my own stated opinions. I don’t care about your ethnicity or your sexuality – whatever gets you through the night, all that – all I care about is how good, reliable, honest and loyal you are. Nothing else matters.
March 6. STOP PRESS: US Gonads guitarist Tippy Jay has vanished amid wild claims of criminal activity. Our well-placed but anonymous Connecticut source, ‘EE’ (Eastfield Eddie) says “All we know for sure is he has gone off Facebook and Instagram, maybe he’s dead?” The other alternative is that the notorious cock-blocker is on the run from the law…or from people he owes money to. A fugitive in Trump Land… which would be a bloody good title for the future American Gonads album...
March 4. Literally minutes before the blog was due to close permanently last night, Gal Gonad dramatically intervened to keep it alive for another year. We’re told he found the funding “Rachel Reeves style” from the hitherto-unmentioned top-secret Gonads Wealth Fund. Our accountant, Slippery Ted states, “The money was set aside for ‘demonstratively productive investment’ after a particularly good day at Aintree in 2015.” And what could be more productive than the Gonads blog? (Don’t write in – Ed). Ted adds that he and Gal will consequently consider investing in a new line of profitable products like, he suggests, the long-promised Gonads annual or even a book of the blog with a foreword by a leading historian, although he admits, “Time might be against us for a 2025 publication”. For his part, Gal accepts that many of Lord Waistrel’s criticisms are valid. As part of a negotiated truce, he has agreed to submit to another Ask Gal Anything session to clear up the mess from this very public fall-out. A thoroughly unpleasant business. We will be back with an altogether more serious and business-like attitude in due course.
