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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


Jan 25. Is this the big Gonads news the world has been waiting for? Fit Bird, who has been dutifully observing Gal in his cocoon state all week, tells us that yesterday evening he seemed to briefly emerge from his deep trance and, between speaking in tongues, mumbled that he would REVIVE the Bushell’s Birthday Bash phenomenon for his 65th this summer. Fit Bird tells us: “’E was muttering away about getting a Central London venue for a special gig, weren’t ’e? There was other stuff an’ all – somethin’ about a video, somethin’ about a one man show – and then ’e conked out again. But the stuff about the birthday bash was very clear.”



This could be a very significant development for lovers of street punk, writes our drunk rock correspondent Lars Ordures. The Ruts headlined the first Bushell’s Birthday Bash in Plaistow in May,1979, and Cock Sparrer reformed for the second one at the Bridge House, Canning Town; Judge Dread headlined the third. (Gal’s other birthday events did not feature live bands although Beki Bondage, Buster Bloodvessel, Wurzel from Motorhead, Max Splodge and LBC’s Nick Ferrari {!} were among the revellers who flocked to his 30th at the Blackheath & Newbridge Working Men’s Club in 1985 and Mick Geggus, Skully, Garry Johnson, Cass Pennant, Steve Whale, John “Herbert” King, Carrie Griffiths and Vicki Michelle – aka Yvette Carte-Blanche from TV’s Allo Allo – were at his 60th which was DJ’ed by Paul “Stalin” Hallam, author of the soon to be published guide, Businesses & How to Wreck ’Em. Leah McCaffrey performed there backed by Phil Fury on guitar). Experts say that a new BBB with exciting bands and big name guest artists would be the must-see street culture event of the year. Blimey.



But what news, we ask, of the DM who is also lost in cocoon state? Sadly medical observers fear the worst. A sobbing Fit Bird reports: “Tel seems to be in dark and dangerous place; he is a-groanin’ an a-gripin’ an’ a-gurnin’ as ’is subconscious mind dredges the deepest layers of disappointment, desolation an’ despair. We’re all worried for him, ain’t we? He is being drawn to the darkest of dark sides. If ’e don’t snap out of it soon they say the Pranksters will strip him of ’is grand rank an’ privileges an’ cast ’im out.” Current WM, Effete El, is thought to be on stand-by to replace the DM as the brotherhood’s spiritual leader, or “living god”, if things go from bad to worse and his memory will be erased from all historical records “just like Stalin did to Trotsky”. Double blimey.



A deeply jealous Fat Col tells us that James “Ace of Bass” Cruttwell will be crashing at Jenny Woo’s pad in Paris next month and “sniffin’ his way through her knicker draw... I imagine”. We have no time to report this kind of superfluous filth though because this blog is still officially closed (we can’t even update you on Chelsea Dom’s personal hairdresser and what she can do with a well-aimed roman candle) but we can reveal that Gannon did not make last night’s Curry Club meet because, says a source: “Wattsie had her barnet up like Bridgitte Bardot and as soon as Col saw her his groin exploded.” How unnecessary. We abhor this sexist filth and sincerely hope that Fat Col doesn’t rub off on anyone else. (He got fined for that last month – Ed).



Jan 19. Apologies for the late posting of today’s blog. This is the result of our hardworking blog monkeys downing tools in a wildcat strike after Stiffy Bing tried to make them post a lengthy puff piece on An Evening with Duncan Norvelle (Feb 7th, at the Brookside Theatre, Romford). These are trying times for all of us, not helped by the fact that our gurus, Gal and the DM, have recently entered “cocoon state”. According to our sources in the Prankster brotherhood, this time-consuming process involves great changes to their life expectancies and career paths. Our insider, Slippery Ted explains: “Both men have entered cocoon state and are expected to be there for some time. We don’t know how different they will be when they emerge, but traditionally the changes are either good, bad or downright diabolical”. Gulp. As a consequence, this blog will now close until the morphing is complete.



Sadly the premature closure means we are unable to bring you the full details of Chelsea Dom’s private hairdresser who makes house visits to his love nest in beautiful downtown Bromley to cut the great man’s hair ahead of his exciting adventures in the outside world. We’re told that the stylist, known as Recycle Renee, did Dom’s last haircut with a firework. Last week she won the prestigious GQ non-hairdresser of the year award. When passing oiks ask Dom, “Who cut your hair, the council?” he is able to reply “technically yes” because Renee works for the recycling plant at the bottom of his road (where many of his Cock Sparrer live reviews for Street Sounds were reprocessed – same words, different order.)



Stalin update: the December launch party for Gal’s 2-Tone and Mod anniversary books will take place in late February. The December publication of the third book in the series, concerning the New Wave of British Heavy Metal/early 80s rock, will happen at the end of March.



Jan 18. Our mates Klasse Kriminale and the Lower Class Brats will be playing at this year’s Randale Meeting (2nd and 3rd of May) with Evil Conduct and Jenny Woo. The Brats also appear at the big Punk & Disorderly bash in Berlin on May the 9th, as well as dates in Essen and Dusseldorf via M.A.D. Marc. Other bands at P&D include The Take from New York City, Canada’s Bishops Green and the Angelic Upstarts from Arsehole Street in Ugly Town, Hideoushire (Are you sure? – Ed). But will the Grand Inquisitor Chelsea Dom return to grill Mensi on stage? And is Oi ambassador Jenny really working on an acoustic version of Agadoo? (To the left to the right, jump up and down and to the knees/Come and dance every night sing with an Oi Oi melody...) These are the questions, the universe has the answers.



Still no official word on the Cockney Rejects’ big news, but we can reveal that Lord Waistrel has decided on ours. Naturally he hasn’t told the band and won’t yet be telling you (or us). As ever the great sage, with his assistants Stiffy Bing and Fat Col, is “holding back until the time is right”.



Fat Col has launched an unprovoked and frankly offensive social media attack on the Gonads USA accusing them, among other things, of being “lazy bastards who couldn’t organise a bang in a brothel”. When questioned, Col claimed to be “frustrated by their failure to line up a single gig in six mates”. His mate Effete El backs him saying: “That’s true. Dori Cameron turning down Col’s proposal had absolutely nothing to do with it.”



Jan 17. Another day, another crisis. Our “blog monkeys” are threatening another wildcat strike because of the latest edict from Stephanie “Stiffy” Bing. Our so-called manager has complained that there is “too much deadend punk” on this blog and instead she wants to see more coverage of entertainers such as little Billy Pearce and “whoever is left from the Grumbleweeds”. She is also keen on pursuing Waistrel’s idea of a Gonads/Joe Pasquale split single. A spokesman for the blog writers mutters “she is off her effing nut” before settling down in Wetherspoons for his customary breakfast livener.



Jan 16. NOOS: Haymaker, currently in Chile, are releasing a brand new 12inch, the name of which will come to us once the hangover clears... Arch Rivals play the weekender in Barcelona this August, top of the bill are Forced Reality; Stomper and the mighty Hammer & The Nails are also in the mix... Green Day have released a video for their new single Oh Yeah, they play the UK in June.



Jan 15. Good luck to the Business who jet off to Tel Aviv today for their show tomorrow night – despite official advice to avoid the turbulent Middle East. It’d take more than a few missiles to scupper South London’s finest.



Jan 14. Many are asking if we will be playing Rebellion this year, sadly Stephanie “Stiffy” Bing and Fat Col have vetoed that – and also the Bedfordshire punk all-dayer this summer. “You will stick to my programme or face the sack,” thunders Stiffy as she rubs cream into the jackboot rash on her shapely calves. But is there some light in the far distance? Word is Steph has applied to Dominic Cummings appeal for “weirdos and misfits” to shake up Whitehall. Says a source: “She’s weird all right but I’m not sure she fits the requirement for brains as well...”



Jan 13. Lars Frederiksen has announced that his first solo show will be supporting the Dropkick Murphys at their big Boston Blowout gig on 13th March. Despite Fat Col’s cynicism, booking offers are flooding in for the great man’s one man venture, which he will fit in around Old Firm Casuals shows and Rancid commitments. One performance will be at Punk Rock Curry Club in London later this year where the Q&A session is expected to be particularly lively. No word yet on the Hopper’s Hut.



The Gonads WebsiteJan 12. Ace publisher Paul “Stalin” Hallam just about got Gal’s 40th anniversary books on 2-Tone and New Mod on sale before Christmas but there’s still no word on the launch party for them, or on the third book in the series (on the New Wave of British Heavy Metal) which has not yet been published. A source close to the project tells us “Everything was written months ago, bands wanted copies for Xmas, there are plans for a rock party launch – we just can’t get a release date from Stalin.” Is it any wonder that even Mackenzie Crook has taken to cursing the wretched Millwall-supporting blighter on the television?



Still no word yet on the “big news” promised by the Cockney Rejects...or by us. Fat Col tells us: “It’s like when Coca Cola had a big face-off with Pepsi. We’re confident the other guys will blink first. Besides, we’re waiting for them to announce their news so we can trump it.”



Jan 11. Noos: the Dropkick Murphys’ new single Smash Shit Up is released later this month on 12inch vinyl (and all digital platforms) – the house they smash up in the video came courtesy of the US TV property renovation show Hearts Of Oak... Beach Slang have released a new album called The Deadbeat Bang Of Heartbreak City on colour vinyl; guest artists include bassist Tommy Stinson from The Replacements and little-known combo Guns N' Roses... The Partisans’ classic self-titled album from 1983 has been re-released on vinyl by the delightfully named Punk N Vomit Records, who have also put out Potere Nelle Strade by our Italian mates Nabat – the comp includes some of the Bologna Oi band’s rarest and most sought after releases plus all their recorded tracks from ’82-’84... new from Contra: NAGÖN’s ep Repulsive & Deadly (Serbian band operating in the melting pot of Oi, metal and street rock’n’roll), and the six-track split 12inch from South German bands The Lads and Brutal Bravo.



Fat Col takes issue with Brutal Bravo however over their song No Ballads In Oi however. “Oi bands have produced some blinding ballads,” he says in a rare moment of clarity. “Think of the Gonads’ own (Rise Up) London Boys and Drink Till I’m Skint for starters, not to mention England by the Upstarts and England I Miss You So by the Cockney Rejects with Paul Weller. Cock Sparrer did Out On An Island, there’s Tim Steinfort’s brilliant cover of Pennywise’s Bro Hymn and who could forget Poor Cow by Sham 69?” (We wish we could – Ed)



JAN 10. It’s good news and bad news for Stiffy Bing’s Gonads church tour. Mostly bad. Rev Everard, the local Charlton vicar, is happy for our acoustic gig to happen at St Luke’s under certain preconditions, these being: 1) we change our name to “something less tasteless” 2) we remove all songs “of sexual or violent connotations” from the set, “including but not confined to Infected, Tucker’s Ruckers, Beano and C’mon Motherfucker” 3) there is a strict guarantee of no swearing. (Jesus wept! – Ed). A grim-faced Colin Gannon asks desperately “can GBX do it instead and do you have any instrumental numbers?” but we’re too busy slamming the door on his fuckwitted face to answer.



Noos: The Professionals recorded six new songs last year and they’ll all be released as EPs – one in January, one in February and one in March. Each EP will feature 2 new tracks plus two live recordings of older material. They’ll be available individually through Transistor Music on CD, limited edition vinyl and super limited edition colour vinyl, or as various bundles with exclusive T- shirts and signed posters. All three are available to pre-order now. The new tracks are contenders for their new album scheduled for October.



Jan 9. Morrissey is releasing a new album, I Am Not A Dog On A Chain on his own Etienne label on March 20th. The full track list is: Jim Jim Falls, Love Is On Its Way Out, Bobby Don’t You Think They Know?, I Am Not A Dog On A Chain, What Kind Of People Live In These Houses?, Knockabout World, Darling I Hug A Pillow, Once I Saw The River Clean, The Truth About Ruth, The Secret Of Music, My Hurling Days Are Done.



In other news, the Prole album is still coming but far more slowly than previously expected...and The Orgasm Guerrillas have rebranded themselves as an “avant garde art and multimedia collective”...



STOP PRESS. R.I.P. Neil Peart, the drummer and lyricist for Rush. Neil died on Tuesday in Santa Monica, California aged 67. The cause of death was brain cancer.



Jan 8. Bruce Dickinson was enrolled in the RAFs 601 Squadron on Monday – which also means he can now represent the air force fencing team... all three surviving members of Nirvana played a five song set at the weekend as part of the Heaven Is Rock And Roll benefit show at the Hollywood Palladium... Fat Col tells us that if the St Luke’s Gonads gig goes ahead, All Saints in Blackheath will “definitely” follow...



Jan 7. Noos: Argy Bargy headline the Hairy Dog, Derby next month, with Gimp Fist, Rude Pride, Aggressive, One Voice, Knock Off, Wolf Bites Boy and Scandal (15th Feb)... Knock Off, The East End Badoes, The Warriors and L.O.A.D. play the 100 Club on 6th March... Stiff Little Fingers play the Roundhouse London with Neville Staple, The Professionals and TV Smith on 28th March... The Toydolls & The Angelic Upstarts play O2 Forum, Kentish Town on 18th April... The Undertones are at the Electric Ballroom on 17th May... first Gonads acoustic gig pencilled in for St Luke’s Church, Charlton Village, 4th December.



Jan 6. Noos: The Macc Lads, Lion’s Law, Anti Pasti and Resistance 77 are all confirmed for this year’s Crash Festival in Oakland, California in October... German herberts Aggressive and One Voice play the Fighting Cocks in Kingston on 13th Feb... Seattle’s The Drowns release a new full-length album Under Tension via Pirates Press on 17th Jan... Fat Mike is starting a sexuality advice podcast, not to be confused with Fat Col’s sex advice hot-line... Ozzy Osbourne has posted a YouTube vid for his new track Straight To Hell, a taster for his new album Ordinary Man.



In the year when we celebrate the fortieth anniversary of Oi, we’d like to welcome new Argentinean band, our friends Espartacos to our worldwide movement. Watch out for their soon-come debut single Oi! Una Liga Mundial (Oi! A World League) with its irrepressible and indisputable message that Oi is strictly global. It’s music for the working class the whole world over. Cheers and salud!



Colin Gannon has come up with a unique funding plan for his new record label – he’s promising to send “a sexy full-frontal nude picture” to anyone who donates £10 towards the cost of setting up the brick-wall punk indie. This set alarm bells ringing. Had Col been hanging about outside Wattsie’s pad with his extension pole out again? But no, it seems the pictures are all self portraits. Excuse us while we hunt for the sick bucket... in other startling news, Stiffy Bing is trying to set up an acoustic Gonads tour of churches and cathedrals in December...



There was big trouble in little Sidcup yesterday when a brief but vicious street fight erupted outside of the Hopper’s Hut. It seems a small MPL crew had turned up with the intention of storming the 1805 committee unaware that their first January meeting had been postponed. According to Effete El the “feeble mob” was seen off by a brace of two-fisted volunteers (Sid and Ethel McWhirter) and a bad-tempered Shih-poo. “Sidcup is a no-go area for the MPL,” Sid, 74, told us. “We would no more tolerate these shitty-arse fools here than we would a Palace fan or a round-dodger.” Quite.



Jan 5. Noos: Haymaker will headline the Staffs Oi Fest at the Lymedale Bar in Newcastle, Staffordshire on September 19th with seven other bands including Brassknuckle, tickets £15... Vice Squad are on the bill for the Rivendell Lakes Punk Fest. The two-dayer (10th and 11th July) will take place at a picturesque purpose-built festival site near Workington, Cumbria, in the western Lake District; tickets are on sale now... the Angelic Upstarts, Discharge, The Last Resort & more play the Leeds leg of Punk For Beano at the Wardrobe on March 14th.



Jan 4. We have been hit by an angry backlash from Lars Frederiksen fans accusing this blog accurately of being written by “bitter jealous old men with bladder problems” (although that obviously doesn’t include The Bitch). Aggressive American Hank The Yank, who claims to have tracked us down with armed drones, adds that “Lars’s solo shows are already attracting huge interest globally and will be the Oi event of 2020”. Hmm. But will he play This Pullover for us at the Hoppers’ Hut, Sidcup? The world waits with baited (curry) breath. Meanwhile, we’re staying indoors until the drones stop flying.



Both the Cockney Rejects and The Gonads management have yet to reveal their promised “big news” for 2020, but in an effort to set the ball rolling streetpunk medium Septic Peg predicts that the Rejects will be announcing “a full-on rock show” and we will “do an English variety tour”. Blimey. If true that would mean victory for Stiffy Bing and Fat Col, but then as Joe Strummer said, the future is unwritten...



Jan 3. Lars “Five Bands” Frederiksen has announced he will be doing solo shows this year (please note, this refers to the number of people on stage, and not the number in the audience). The great man posts on FB: “I’m gonna do some shows this year with just me and my trusty guitar. It wouldn’t be acoustic it would be more of a Billy Bragg type of thing. So electric guitar thru amp but without a band. I might even bring a guest or two up... who knows! Gonna keep it open. I thought I could play some songs from over the course of my life and the records I’ve been a part of and maybe some songs that I just love from other bands. There’s an email for Stormy: stormy@leavehomebooking.com who will be booking this. Please let me know what songs you’d wanna hear me do in the comments and I can build a set around it. Look forward to hearing the ideas.” We mention this to Fat Col who simply mutters “Yeah, just what the world needs, another Billy fuckin’ Bragg” before returning to his pint. We are of course more supportive, so please do send us your song suggestions for Lars and we’ll pass them on directly. For starters we’d really like to hear his solo version of these gems: ‘Macarena’, ‘I’m Too Sexy’, ‘Crazy Frog’, Leo Sayer’s ‘One Man Band’ and Jess Conrad’s ‘This Pullover’. Oh and can you get Rancid to record a version of ‘Conquest’ please mate as we could really do with the royalties.



Stiffy Bing has moved quickly to slap down Phil Fury’s suggestion that the Gonads play the 2020 Big Skinhead Reunion in June and Rebellion festival in August. “Ridiculous wastes of time,” she sniffs. “Besides one clashes with summer season and the other with Pontin’s.”



Prankster notice: the security detail for the next 1805 committee meeting will be Pork Chop Peter and trainee torturer Tommy Boi. Stand down Ghurkha.



Jan 2. We start the year with a mystery. Why is Fat Col attacking “geriatric punk bands peddling nostalgia to old geezers with beer-guts” on Facebook when he himself is a nostalgic old git with a considerable beer-gut and a passion for geriatric punk bands? The answer is disturbing. It seems that over Christmas, Gannon hit it off with Stephanie “Stiffy” Bing, the new Gonads manager appointed/installed by Lord Waistrel, and is backing her deranged bid to turn us into the Cabaret-Gonads (he’s currently auditioning for an all-female backing vocalist trio in the working men’s clubs of Woolwich, Plumstead and the Kent borders on her behalf). But this isn’t just about getting his leg over – it’s step one of a new Fat Col master plan. We’re told that behind Stiffy’s back, Col is plotting to start his own punk label to “develop new talent” and “undermine the Oi elite”. His first signings are believed to be the Donkey Laugh debut single, The Cockles (a group of teenage hooligans with bad attitudes), and the long-awaited Terry Hayes (DM) solo e.p. Badoe To The Bone. “Col believe the DM will inspire a new and more relevant movement which will take the likes of Sparrer out of the frame,” whispers his drinking buddy Charlton Tel. When pushed for a response, Colin replied simply: “’Ere comes the new punk!” Blimey.



RANDOM noos: Dave Grohl calls Nads HQ to tell us that the new Foo Fighters album, out this year for their 25th anniversary, will be “fucking weird”, adding: “We’ve been recording vocals in the bath” (Who doesn’t? – The Orgasm Guerrillas)... the Wildhearts will tour the UK from late Jan with the Backyard Angels and the Bones to promote their latest album Renaissance Men... and Debbie Harry and Chris Stein have recorded a lengthy interview about Blondie for Rolling Stone’s Music Now podcast. You can hear it on iTunes or Spotify.



Jan 1 2020. Happy New Year! Happy New Oi!




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